The "chat"

smurfy8

Hi all, just a quick question,im just wondering at what stage of seeing someone does this famous chat happen?its been really easy going so far, but its over three months and I need to know where I stand, I would appreciate the advice, new to this lark, been out of dating a while:eek:

IrishEyes19

OP, do you mean chat where you become bf/gf.....or taking things further intimately chat?

smurfy8

Sorry I should have specified,the bf/gf chat..

IrishEyes19

ok, well this may sound very traditional but I've always let the guy take the lead first to ask to be gf and so on. 3 months should be nearly there though. I mean I would be talking between 2 and a half months to 3, however you cant put a rule of thumb on it and say any time because everything happens in its own good time.

It depends also on how you started dating and the grounds you set down. As is it casual, are you exclusive as in not seeing other people. Do you see each other regularly and text and call regularly. It could be the OH is thinking the same thing.

smurfy8

Thanks Irish Eyes 19, my problem is that it has been so easy going that there were no grounds set out. The calls and texts are regular enough but our jobs are interfering in this in that Im sometimes off midweek and work weekends, nights and he's on mon to fri, but we always meet up when I'm at home,midweek or weekend. Im travelling to work,he's not.I just dont know how to broach the subject but after three months I'd be devastated if I knew he had kissed someone else but I'd have no grounds to be.I havent been with anyone else in three months,and I dont think he has either.That was my own choice though..

IrishEyes19

I know exactly where you're coming from. You see the normal thing to say would be to ask him, but from past experiences in my own case, its caused awkwardness or led him to back away. I think often its the initial fear of settling down or being them thinking that they are being forced into it, that causes them to back away.

Well, you could also possibly hint at it. Have you attended events together as a "couple" for better words or weddings or met up with mutual friends, its often all about hinting that you're together that might give him the extra shove. How has his attitude been towards you of late, busy or interested or very laid back?

3 months months is pushing it in my opinion though. I mean its not massive, but if 4 months went by, Id be asking at that stage regardless of whether it would go ahead or not.

smurfy8

We have been out for dinner and drinks with his friends and he has attended one birthday party with me, but he had something else on and had to leave early.His attitude has been very laid back in the last week only but Im hoping this is due to his job as he's been up the walls due to laying off staff etc.Had plans made to meet up thurs nite, he cancelled due to work,he arranged to meet last night but again got caught at work.Both occasions he text, not called.He has apologised three or four times only via text and that has seriously annoyed me cos he said he would ring me and im still waiting for this call.Im getting fed up at this stage and I think I would feel more secure if this infamous chat was had

IrishEyes19

Ok, cancelling stuff not good. And I hate it when its by text especially when 3 months have gone by. However, it is probable that he really did have things on. I know now you probably feel annoyed and want to have that chat more than ever. But a good saying is, heightened emotions, are not true emotions," and if you go into having that chat with him out of pure fustration due to his laid back behaviour, he'll only link it with "oh she's over-reacting, clingy and is that what I'll have to deal with if I ask her to be gf,"

Best thing to do, is when you do have this chat, if you feel brave enough to start it, be calm, and very laid back yourself, ask casually and maybe throw in humour. No accusations or talking about very far off future plans, I always think, talk about now, not further on. That way they cant throw at you, that you were making plans and so on.

But whatever you do, if you get fustrated, dont immediately bring up where you stand as most women would naturaly feel like doing. It just makes the guy think first that you have a problem with the way he's been acting so far if you feel you have clamp down on your dating status and second that you're not happy with him and want to change it.

Whereas in reality, we just want answers and some clarification. But they dont think like that, OP, its just a different way of dealing with it. Im sure if he really likes you, he'll ask you in the next few weeks, however my advice do not let it sail by 4 months, because if it does, I dont wish to put a damper on it, but you might get the "well I was just thinking about us before I could decide and to be honest I dont like you as much as I did before," beat him to it, if it gets to 4 months and ask him directly then. Hope Ive helped somewhat

smurfy8

Thanks Irish Eyes 19, The advice is great,dont want to come across as a person who wants the future laid out, I just need the clarification. I mean whether to be exclusive etc. The cancelling stuff has really annoyed me, I know for a fact he is busy but it takes the same amount of time to pick up the phone and ring as it does to send a big long text explaining. It would sound more genuine.Im going to ask him straight out where we're at,lay it out on simple terms and try not to be overbearing!Thanks again!

IrishEyes19

I agree fully. Oh I never thought you were over bearing at all, not at all. But some not all, of course, but some guys will always use that excuse or assume thats what women are being if they ever mention the "where do we stand," speech. Three months is enough and you're right, calling is far more respectful in my eyes anyway. Yes, go for it sure. Just be cool and calculated I always say, and throw in some humour. If he wants it, he'll go for it. So nothing to lose there. Best of luck!

smurfy8

I meant thats what men think, the overbearing stuff. he may just decide to call it a day after this so I could have a lot to lose:(
On the other hand, I may not even get to have this chat this weekend and will spend another week wondering.He's busy and to be honest if theres not a decent text or call in the morning I'd seriously reconsider this all. there's no excuse for ignorance and its bordering on this. It wouldnt feel right to have this chat over the phone. There is a reason I've back away from relationships since a long term ex and I'm starting to wonder if they are all this hard, is it worth it!Bring back the simple days!Thanks again

IrishEyes19

True but if he ends it, Op, he's not worth it in the end, because you asking is clearly showing him you want it to go further and after three months you have the right to do so. Its no fun sitting on the sideline either waiting for him to make the move. I suggest you do what you feel is right. And I truly hope it works out for you.

I am a friend

Are you sleeping with him? If so you need to know if he is sleeping with others... Think I am just old fashioned but i would rather know that we are 'an item' before I start sleeping with someone regularily - for this exact reason. I know I would get attached and men seem to be able to compartmentalise it better. So you could see him as your BF and he see you as a girl he sleeps with...

He should have called to apologise and I would not have any chat with him until he starts to make more effort.. Why tie yourself down to someone who is not making enough effort and doesnt even have the manner to pick up the phone to cancel a date.

But there is no point taking a 'wait and see' attitude' if you are going to continue to have sex with him.

LegacyUser

Ask him. As in 'are we exclusive?', tell him someone asked for your number and you didn't know whether to tell the guy you had a boyfriend or not because you weren't sure yourself. Also if he's being laid back with you, this might wake him up a bit. Win-win.

TitoPuente

Everyone has a right to know where they stand in a relationship. If he refuses to tell you, dump him.

smurfy8

Right thats it I'm out,everything was grand over weekend so made arrangements to meet tonight. I had decided to call whatever it is a day and asked him to travel to me for a change to meet up and low and behold a text to say he was tired and didnt want to travel.Red rag to a bull.Had to send him a text instead of saying it to him face to face. No reply to text, surprise surprise. Theres no excuse for ignorance, I see it in my job everyday but I dont expect to be on the recieving end of it from someone I let in to my life.Are there any decent straight up men left out there??

TitoPuente

smurfy8 wrote: »

Right thats it I'm out

Dead right.

smurfy8 wrote: »

Are there any decent straight up men left out there??

Loads. Just set your boundaries from now on.

smurfy8

I should know that by now, foolish me....
As for the decent men,where are they! I seem to be meeting all the wrong ones.

Thanks for the advice

TitoPuente

smurfy8 wrote: »

As for the decent men

In many cases, involved with women who are similar in pathology to your ex. Or maybe I'm just bitter

smurfy8

Im getting to that bitter stage,can you imagine not even having the decency to ring or reply to that text?men!:mad:

TitoPuente

smurfy8 wrote: »

Im getting to that bitter stage,can you imagine not even having the decency to ring or reply to that text?men!:mad:

Some people are just dicks. Don't let it get you down.