Being used by him

LegacyUser

Basically I've been seeing this guy, we're not going out together, just casual meeting up and so on, so far. Kind of a "lets see where it goes," kind of thing.

Truthfullly I wasnt sure about him, as in he seems a nice guy but I'm not overly into him either, granted its only been a month and a bit since we met, so Im giving it time.

However, what bothers me is I dont think he likes me for who I am. As silly as this sounds and maybe unreasonable, he puts far more emphasis on sex and so on, than anything else.
We havent done it by the way and I dont intend to any time in future while its still casual. Ive always had a policy that it should be meaningful and the right time for me. However, while casually flirting between texts, he brought up that he wanted to, and I had said before, and said again that I didnt want it to be like that, thats it should be when we know each other properly and be going out for a while. Its just a standard I have set for myself and I intend to live by it. So his reaction anyway was to say Im heading to bed there...and so on...I'll talk to you tomorrow. Well of course today came and nothing.

Im not upset about that one bit, I was really disappointed really last night actually because its a similar pattern in my dating recently, you know them for a short time and they come out guns blazing for sex before you can even spell each others last name. Im tied between the fact that logically I should run away now. Its the third time Ive expressed distaste at him asking, and although he was drunk the first two times, he heard it from me when he was sober and obviously sober last night. Also he's pretty much a lads lad person, uncomfortable about holding hands in public with me, or showing me much attention, but behind closed doors, you'd swear we had been parted for ever....its very fustrating. I feel like Im dealing with an enexperienced boy here rather than a man who is also 3 years older than me.

Logically I think I should walk away from this. Ive been burnt in the last two relationships Ive had, and maybe Im just trying to have something and mould it to my taste. Im not being arrogant about it either, I know you cant change someone and I wouldnt. But truthfully I think my standards are above what he is prepared to accept. I think perhaps any decent guy wouldnt have attempted it a third time when I clearly said no, and truthfully when getting a moment alone in public arose, he was far too advanced for what I considered getting to know someone. Whether or not Im sounding old fashioned. It makes me feel terrible inside when I think that he cant even get to know me properly but instead makes these assumptions that I would willingly do something so intimate at such an early time.

LegacyUser

Op just an observation, and maybe i'm way off here, but it sounds like you're only with this guy for the sake of it? Do you actually like him? In all honesty surely after a month you must know if you're into him? Do you find him physicaly attractive, Does he turn you on? Do you want to have sex with him? Again maybe i'm way off the mark here but maybe its less about him wanting sex, and more about you not wanting to have sex 'with him'...You can wait forever to get to know each other before having sex, and theres nothing wrong with that, but there has to be at least some kind of sexual spark there or its pointless, and honestly it sounds like you're not sexually attracted to him and he knows that, hence him bringing up the sex topic is him trying to get you to assure him that you are attracted to him. Its fine to say you want to wait, but you also have to make sure he knows that you're not rejecting him because you don't fancy him.

Flojo

beingused wrote: »

But truthfully I think my standards are above what he is prepared to accept.

I think you have answered your own question here. At the end of the day if he can't respect your wishes then he isn't worth your time.
I would suggest giving this one a miss and waiting for someone you are really into and who will wait until you're completely ready.

Smallbit

OP it looks to me like you know the answer here. But I'm interested in the way you frame your account of the situation.

You're seeing a guy. He fancies you and wants to have sex with you. This is normal. He hasn't actually 'used' you yet and perhaps you need to look at how you phrase your question. Why does having sex equate to 'using' someone?

He could equally claim that you are 'using' him to attain intimacy. In a sense you are both trying to fulfill your needs but it appears they are different needs. He wants sex, you don't. You seem to be conducting a sort of slow interview to see how you feel about him while he attempts to take the relationship to a physical level.

There's nothing intrinsically wrong with what he wants, but perhaps you need to be more assertive in telling him that you don't want to have sex outside the context of a proper relationship. If he balks at a proper relationship then he's simply not the guy for you and you need to move on.

Miss Fluff

I don't think you can accuse him of using you when you haven't had actually had sex. Seems to me like you are not singing off the same hymn sheet anyway and you don't seem particularly keen on the guy so I'd be inclined to move on if I were you if you're already feeling so suspicious and dissatisfied.

LegacyUser

Smallbit wrote: »

OP it looks to me like you know the answer here. But I'm interested in the way you frame your account of the situation.

You're seeing a guy. He fancies you and wants to have sex with you. This is normal. He hasn't actually 'used' you yet and perhaps you need to look at how you phrase your question. Why does having sex equate to 'using' someone?

He could equally claim that you are 'using' him to attain intimacy. In a sense you are both trying to fulfill your needs but it appears they are different needs. He wants sex, you don't. You seem to be conducting a sort of slow interview to see how you feel about him while he attempts to take the relationship to a physical level.

There's nothing intrinsically wrong with what he wants, but perhaps you need to be more assertive in telling him that you don't want to have sex outside the context of a proper relationship. If he balks at a proper relationship then he's simply not the guy for you and you need to move on.

Hi, OP here, first thanks for your replies. But I have told him I want to be in a relationship before I go that far. Its hard to explain but this guy is less of a talker than trying on pure physical action. I probably didnt phrase my question correctly, but what I meant in terms of using someone, was that I feel he only wants someone for sex, he's being pushing since day one almost. Furthermore if we're out he'll find the darkest place on a street totally creepy to kiss, and to my horror once even asked for more which I wont go into detail about. But perhaps your right, maybe Im not into him as much. It is true Ive been through two last relationships, one which I thought was great but ended abruptly and the other which wasnt going anywhere, and these have left a scar on me, and I suppose I wanted someone nice for a change. Ive found it tough in the last while to find someone who doesnt try to get in there to be blunt before they even know your last name. And its fustrating I suppose.

Chicago Chick

I agree with Miss Fluff. If you are already feeling suspicious and dissatisfied with the way the whole relationship is going it may be time to just cut your losses. From what you have describe you are both just looking for different things.

LegacyUser

Sounds like you're "using him" for intimacy and he wants "to use you" for sex
You should probably do yourselves a favor and call it a day, so each of you can find someone who will meet your individual needs.

Furthermore if we're out he'll find the darkest place on a street totally creepy to kiss, and to my horror once even asked for more which I wont go into detail about.

If he repulses you so much why are you dating him?

Being single is not something to be feared

Zen65

beingused wrote: »

.......I know you cant change someone and I wouldnt. But truthfully I think my standards are above what he is prepared to accept.

I agree with you.

So if you accept what you say yourself then why are you still seeing him?

If you act in a way which is clearly in at variance with what you say to him, is it not reasonable for him to choose the meaning which suits him?

You are unlikely ever to feel 'that way' about him because his standards disappoint you, so go your separate ways now. To do otherwise is to use him for your own purposes.


Be at peace,

Z

LegacyUser

zxvcvcvxv wrote: »

Sounds like you're "using him" for intimacy and he wants "to use you" for sex
You should probably do yourselves a favor and call it a day, so each of you can find someone who will meet your individual needs.


If he repulses you so much why are you dating him?

Being single is not something to be feared

lol, sorry I had to laugh a little here. I'm not afraid of being single. Never have been. But wanting something proper too, doesnt mean you're afraid of being single.

Im not using this guy for intimacy. I don't use people ever. I dont date for the sake of it.I geniunely like to see where something will go. I just wanted to take things at ease, go out, chat, have a nice time and see where it goes. It frightened me how quick he wanted sex, thats where I had issues with him.

I never used the word repulse either, his actions shocked me. But I'll repeat Im not afraid of being single. Its amusing sometimes how if you ask a simple question about a dating or relationship issue, theres always someone who will throw "being single isnt bad" line at you. I never said being single is bad. In fact Ive been single for quite a bit now and I felt ready to try again.

Distorted

I think your gut instinct is telling you where to go with this one. You've given it a chance, you've got to know him, and you're not really comfortable with what you've found out about him as a person. Theres nothing wrong and everything right about wanting to find a decent guy that you can trust and who will treat you well and with respect. The only thing I would say is to turn down dates with these sort of guys in the first place and avoid being drawn into anything with them, as the experience is inevitably draining.

LegacyUser

You've already had to say no three times to him. He's no good. Surely he understands the implication of pushing a woman for sex? Surely he understands the double standard that exists when a woman has sex with a man she doesn't know all that well? Finally, surely he understands that you don't trust him because you don't know him, and having to tell him 'no' three times makes you trust him even less?

Don't undersell yourself. This guy is not worth your time.

LegacyUser

Distorted wrote: »

I think your gut instinct is telling you where to go with this one. You've given it a chance, you've got to know him, and you're not really comfortable with what you've found out about him as a person. Theres nothing wrong and everything right about wanting to find a decent guy that you can trust and who will treat you well and with respect. The only thing I would say is to turn down dates with these sort of guys in the first place and avoid being drawn into anything with them, as the experience is inevitably draining.

thank you, my point exactly and I do think I'm actually exhausted from from luckless love as you could say. I've had bad luck ever since I broke up with a certain ex whom I'm probably not over, even though its been quite a while and since then nothing has seemed to work for me. On the other side I've been single for a quite a bit now, and felt ready to get back in the game as one would say, but its very hard to meet someone. I don't care what people say about true love coming when you least expect it or when you're totally happy with yourself. I am happy with myself, lol, but that hasn't brought me any luck either. But sure what can you do. I think however, I need to walk away from this one certainly. I've had my doubts from the start, but I wanted to give it a shot.

Bottle_of_Smoke

beingused wrote: »

Also he's pretty much a lads lad person, uncomfortable about holding hands in public with me, or showing me much attention, but behind closed doors, you'd swear we had been parted for ever....its very fustrating. I feel like Im dealing with an enexperienced boy here rather than a man who is also 3 years older than me.

Sounds like doesn't like you at all and just wants sex to me. Guys are really good at faking interest.

LegacyUser

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

Sounds like doesn't like you at all and just wants sex to me. Guys are really good at faking interest.

Id go even further than that and say he doesnt know me at all and couldnt care less either. This guy isnt even good and faking interest as he's deplorable communication wise and I base a lot on communication.

Having said that, after I got upset about him wanting sex, he did contact me the next evening and we acted as if nothing happened and again today, texted to see how I was. I dont know what to think.

AvaKinder

I don't think there's anything wrong with waiting until you get to know someone better. I was with my last boyfriend for three months before we slept together and we'd been flirting for two months before we kissed so it was like 5 months getting to know each other first. I was 19 and he was 29.

LegacyUser

Id go even further than that and say he doesnt know me at all and couldnt care less either. This guy isnt even good and faking interest as he's deplorable communication wise and I base a lot on communication.

sorry seriously not being smart here but if you know all this then why are you still with him? I mean you have all the facts so whats the problem?, cut your loses and just dump him. it couldn't be simpler really.

seenitall

usingme wrote: »

Id go even further than that and say he doesnt know me at all and couldnt care less either. This guy isnt even good and faking interest as he's deplorable communication wise and I base a lot on communication.

Having said that, after I got upset about him wanting sex, he did contact me the next evening and we acted as if nothing happened and again today, texted to see how I was. I dont know what to think.

That last post of yours has two paragraphs. In the second one you say that you don't know what to think, while your first paragraph reads very much like you know exactly what to think.

I think that you like the attention you are getting from this guy, even if it is the wrong kind of attention in your eyes. That is the only reason why "you don't know what to think". Beware of this in life, OP, because as Distorted said earlier, this kind of extended wishy-washy communications with someone who you are at complete cross-purposes with, will always leave you drained and dissatisfied, not to mention it could lead to disillusionment with the opposite ex as whole.

I strongly advise shelving this guy and waiting for the next guy to come along, who will hopefully give you the right kind of attention. For your own good.

Or you can carry on with the dead-end half-relationship you are having. It's your call. At the end of the day, some of us do need to learn only on our own skins, and I get that.

Best wishes.

I am a friend

usingme wrote: »

Id go even further than that and say he doesnt know me at all and couldnt care less either. This guy isnt even good and faking interest as he's deplorable communication wise and I base a lot on communication.

Having said that, after I got upset about him wanting sex, he did contact me the next evening and we acted as if nothing happened and again today, texted to see how I was. I dont know what to think.

You are contradictiong yourself. You say you dont mind being single but then you continue to be in contact with someone who you believe has no interest in getting to know you, is shocking you with his pushiness and cant even bother to stay in regular contact with you....

Why are you entertaining this guy then?

LegacyUser

Is it possible that he just likes you and wants to have sex with you?

To be honest, it doesn't exactly sound like he's forcing himself on you.

I understand that it's a bit soon for you, but given that it's probably not too soon for him, he's unsure of where the cut off is? He sounds more hopeful than pushy.

Some people (myself included, and I'm a woman) are less affectionate in public. Some people find kissing in a dark alley to be quite romantic. I personally don't, but if my partner suggested it, I wouldn't think it creepy, surely?

I don't know this guy, and I don't know the OP. I'm not defending him, as such, but he's probably not the sex beast that he's being made out to be here.