partner depressed

LegacyUser

So i've been with my bf for 3 years now and slowly over the last year he became depressed, its gotten worse and worse over time and he's been to his dr and tried a variety of anti-depresents.

In the last few weeks he's hit rock bottom, says he just can't even enjoy life anymore and agreed to go to his dr and arrange to speak to someone professional about his problems.

I thought this was great and have always tried to be supportive and helpful to him, even though admitedly I don't know what he's going through having never been through it myself.

My problem is that in preperation for this visit to a professional he has decided that he wants to focus on himself and what he was like before he was depressed, no problems there of course except that he has just pushed me away, doesn't want to see me, has thankfully started talking to me on the phone again, now he doesn't want to break up, says he loves me but I just dont understand why he wont see me at all, I only want to help him. I should say he will still see all his friends, none of whom know about the depression.

Sorry for the length of this, if anyone in my position has advice I would appreciate it or alternatively anyone in my bf position that might be able to explain more. I'm at my wits end here.

Flojo

I'm suprised he didn't arrange to speak to a professional sooner! I can't stress enough how important it is to get some of that crap out of your head, especially to a professional.

You will just have to respect his wishes.. right now wouldn't be the best time to start an argument, especially when he wouldn't be receiving help yet. Don't pressure him too much into keeping contact just give him the space he needs. I do think it is quite unfair on you for him to block you out completely like that but if it what he thinks he needs to do for now them you must respect that.

If you don't mind me asking.. could do with a little more of the background story. What is your relationship like in general, besides his depression? Do you guys fight much? It is strange that you mention him saying he wants to go back to how things were before he was depressed then blocks you out. I don't want to alarm you but do you think he could see something in your relationship as being a problem for him at the moment? Did something happen between you in the last year, that he needs to deal with inside his head?

I really hope whatever it is, you guys sort it out and he follows through with the help he needs. Talking to someone isn't a quick fix however so it might be possible he could need more time. But if you remain strong you'll come through it.

i-digress

Is there a chance he feels guilty? When I hit rock bottom, and when I was recovering, I felt so guilty for putting my husband through the whole thing. He never complained, he was really loving and supportive, but I just felt that someone aged 26 shouldn't have to shoulder so much of my burden. I felt I was making him unhappy as well as just me.

Is there a chance that he's the same, and doesn't want to see you until he's 'better'? He might feel you've been through enough so it's better to take things easy until he gets his depression under control.

LegacyUser

Thanks for your replies.

Flojo - He was more willing to try every anti-depressent under the sun rather than talk to someone, i'm just glad he's seen sense now. I am doing my best to respect his wishes, and give him whatever space he needs, as you say now is not the time for an argument.

We had a fantastic relationship, up until his depression started getting bad, then yes there were fights, and not to be giving too much info but also problems in our sex life. I have been alarmed by his response in pushing me like this, as you say being around me must cause him some sort of problem but again I'm getting mixed messages from him here as he say's no.

i-digress - Being honest he says he is no longer capable of feeling anything, so whether there is guilt in there I couldn't tell you. I hope that you're right and once he starts feeling better he will want to spend more time around me again.

LegacyUser

Hi OP

I've been in a similar situation, and my heart goes out to you. I agree with 'i-digress', he probably feels really guilty and just doesn't want to hurt you any more than he already has. The burden of knowing you're hurting is probably just too much for him right now on top of how he's feeling, and that's why he's pushing you away.

Give him space, but let him know you're here and that you love him. Reassure him, but don't smother him. I promise you it will work out, he'll realise that he's worth it to you, just give him time.

Flojo

Ah kk you see I didn't know enough background info. I didn't mean to make out that being around you is a problem I ment maybe it's from something that happened between you both. Just hang on in there hun and try be as supportive as you can while respecting his wishes. Fair play to you for sticking it out as long as you have, relationships that involve depression are very difficult.

As I-digress mentioned it could be guilt either. He's probably worried that he has put you through enough and doesn't want you to have to suffer aswell anymore. Try not to let it bother you as much. It seems he is doing this because he think it will help your relationship!

Best of luck hun!

LegacyUser

Thanks for your replies and your support.

Im going to try and be as optimistic about this as I can, and give him whatever support I can. Hopefully as he goes to counselling his views will change and become more positive but for now I'm just going to stick it out, show him my love and hope for the best. If he wants space I'll do my best to give it to him while still keeping a presence so he know's I'm there if he needs me.

I don't think there's anything else I can do, thanks again everyone, it's difficult but I have every hope we can get through it.

LegacyUser

Had to post again, finally got to see bf last night after just over a week. Called into his house, we had a cup of tea and chatted for a couple of hours, i was keeping the conversation going chatting like nothing was wrong or different but then we slipped into talking about the depression and next thing I knew he was trying to break up with me.

Telling me that it wasn't fair on me and he was better off alone, that he couldnt feel anything anymore and we'd be better off friends, he wouldn't cut me out of his life etc I was very upset but convinced him that that kind of decision was better left until he'd seen his Counsellor and was feeling an improvement. I still don't know if that was the right thing to do, like should I just have respected his wishes?

He agreed with me eventually to see how things go with the Counsellor and then to make that decision and to just leave things as they are for now. That means still giving him all the me time that he wants but being able to talk/txt. I know he cares for me but Im just so confused and upset now, I'm in bits myself.

Flojo

Ah god you poor thing! There's nothing really you can do except leave him to it for now, anything else would make things worse and they're already extremely unstable.

He won't be magically fixed after his first meeting with the counsellor, it could take a lot longer than that hun. Just give him the space he needs anyways and he might come around once he's had a chance to miss you and maybe realise that you both shouldn't break up.

I would suggest rallying around a few girlfriends and doing a few things with them to take your mind off things. Sitting around worrying will not be good for you. Maybe go visit some family or friends you haven't seen in a while and catch up! Either that or try find a new hobbie and get stuck in!
You may not think it but speaking from experiance they really help me get through things.

He seems extremely confused as it is and throwing a relationship into the mix aswell wouldn't be a great help to that. Maybe you could suggest you both went on a break? So in his mind he knows he won't have the stress of a relationship for a while but you both could still keep in contact the odd time. Give him time to miss you and see how that goes?

When is he due to have that counselling session?

LegacyUser

This will probably sound so selfish but I just dont think I could bear to not be his girlfriend, I'd hate for us to go on a break. The thought of it makes me feel sick, I just love him so much! He's the one, I know he is, being apart the way we are now is even a lot for me to handle, if I couldn't talk to him on the phone or text him, its just an awful prospect for me.

I am trying to fill my time with friends etc but the problem is in all honesty I only have a few friends and they all have boyfriends themselves, and spend a lot of time with them and I hate to be a hanger-on to a couple.

He's going to his first session on Monday, I know one session isn't going to fix everything and it will take time, honestly i'm not expecting miracles.

Flojo

canthelp wrote: »

This will probably sound so selfish but I just dont think I could bear to not be his girlfriend, I'd hate for us to go on a break. The thought of it makes me feel sick, I just love him so much! He's the one, I know he is, being apart the way we are now is even a lot for me to handle, if I couldn't talk to him on the phone or text him, its just an awful prospect for me.

I am trying to fill my time with friends etc but the problem is in all honesty I only have a few friends and they all have boyfriends themselves, and spend a lot of time with them and I hate to be a hanger-on to a couple.

He's going to his first session on Monday, I know one session isn't going to fix everything and it will take time, honestly i'm not expecting miracles.

I know, I felt exactly the same about my ex. We even spoke of marraige, we had to split because we're not good for each other at the moment. It is doable and it's not the end of the world.

At least give him a lot of space and stop with the couple stuff for a while. That's what he's asking for and if you don't comply you could lose him altogether! Don't be contacting him first, let him come to you. Just move on with your life and let him catch up when he's ready. You'll only push him away if you keep at him. I'm speaking from experiance in that sense aswell. I was the one in the relationship that suffered from it and theres nothing worse than having someone in your face when you need space. The littlest thing my ex did annoyed me for no reason. He's trying to save your relationship! So I would advise you to stop moping and get out there and enjoy your life. It might make him cop on a bit aswell when he sees you doing that!

I'm glad to hear his session is that soon. Will it be a weekly thing?

Memnoch

canthelp wrote: »

This will probably sound so selfish but I just dont think I could bear to not be his girlfriend, I'd hate for us to go on a break. The thought of it makes me feel sick, I just love him so much! He's the one, I know he is, being apart the way we are now is even a lot for me to handle, if I couldn't talk to him on the phone or text him, its just an awful prospect for me.

I am trying to fill my time with friends etc but the problem is in all honesty I only have a few friends and they all have boyfriends themselves, and spend a lot of time with them and I hate to be a hanger-on to a couple.

He's going to his first session on Monday, I know one session isn't going to fix everything and it will take time, honestly i'm not expecting miracles.

OP don't be disheartened. Someone with a first episode of depression should be able to gain full recovery and get back to themselves though it can be a tough process especially with the kinds of external stressors that are present in the current climate in Ireland.

With the right treatment your boyfriend should get better, though it can take a little bit of time. Firstly because it takes a few weeks for the levels of anti-depressant medication to build up in the blood stream and also to find the right medication and get it to a therapeutic dose that is effective for the person concerned. Unfortunately it can be a slow to treat illness.

Right now his head isn't in the right place and as hard as it is you just need to give him space. Offer support but don't force it too much or that might damage your relationship further. Try to be happy in yourself. See this as an opportunity to get to know yourself better and to find the sort of hobbies you enjoy.

I hope it works out okay for both of ye but the fact that he is seeking professional help is a very good sign.

LegacyUser

So this thread is a bit old now but I just wasnt able to reply for a while.

So didnt see the bf at all since last week when he tried to break it off, we texted during the week but only one phonecall.

So texting yesterday and I asked to visit and basicly I got back theres no point coz he still feels like he did before. So we broke up I guess finally by text, we did talk on the phone for a little while after that but it was difficult and I was so upset that I just made things worse for him and he cut me off and said bye because he couldnt talk to me as I was upsetting him too much.

I know I shouldnt have but I caved and called him last night, he answered but he was asleep and said we'd talk later or tomorrow (i.e. today) but so far I havent heard from him.

I don't know what to do, should I call? Would that just make things worse? I'm worried about him because of the depression and how upset he was yesterday but in all honesty im in bits myself and would just love to hear his voice.

Flojo

Hun I know you're in pain and really hurt right now but you're not going to make things any better. We're talking about two people here not just you, he has made his decision.
To be quite honest it sounds like he could be using his depression as an excuse to break up. Either that or he just really believes that you two are not good for each other at the moment. I had to break up with an ex this year because of similar reasons, he was killing me slowly.
Some things just aren't ment to be hun. He has been extremely cruel with his behaviour though. Just because he's depressed doesn't give him the right to act like a dick. If he was any man at all he would have broken up properly and not leave you like this.

I know you're in bits but you have to respect what he wants. You need to pull way back and move on. He might come round...he might not. But right now all you need to focus on is healing yourself. Moments of weakness will make things worse. He sounds like he has had enough at the moment.

Any you had any contact since?

LegacyUser

It does sound like if he is using the depression to have a reason to break up with you without telling the truth about his feelings. He seems to be very secretive, how well do you know him- maybe there is a lot in his background that you do not know about and that is extremely difficult for him to talk about. He might have been abused. You just don't know at the moment what is going on with him and why he is behaving this way- but you got to let him be for a while. Do not give up hope though, and ring him once in a while to see how he is getting on and show that you care. Maybe he is just not ready for commitment, but will be- maybe he wants to spend some time alone because he just like being alone.

LegacyUser

I hear what youre saying and I guess i'm really just trying to come to terms with being broken up. Im finding it so hard to let go coz this just feels so wrong. I do understand though that what with his depression and all he prob does just need to be on his own now, I have accepted that but it doesnt make it any easier, I mean I still love him with all my heart and am just lonely and miserable without him. (like you said though flojo theres two of us not just me and what I want)

Unfortunately I have had many moments of weakness and called him Saturday and Sunday night, and to be honest I'm not sorry, I really needed to talk. As I said i'm in bits, cant sleep, cant eat, cant work, am panicing at the thought of not being with him, can hardly get out of bed to be honest but i'm back from the dr and she's given me something that will hopefully help in the short-term, I know i'll have to deal with this all on my own eventually.

As for moving on, well I don't think I can, not yet anyway, i'm sorry to say that even after everything I still want him back and cant stop hoping that he'l change his mind, how sad is that but it's all I have thats keeping me going at the moment.

Flojo

I know how you feel. I found it extremely hard with coming to terms with breaking up with my ex. But I knew if I didn't we would have been in a lot more pain. Even now 5 months later things are still tough. The only thing that kept me going is my friends and family. It was so bad I even moved counties to get away from it all. But things have gotten better and they will for you too. Who knows he might come around, it's really hard to know what might be going on in his head at the moment! But you have to realise there is a chance he might not either so don't hold on to that hope too much. You'll only end up taking a lot longer to heal.

Everyone has moments of weakness hun, but you'll only end up hurting yourself more. I learned that the hard way. I'm really glad you went to the docter and got something to ease the pain. It won't fix you but it does help to take the edge off while you carry on with your day. This is where you need to try be strong, you had a life before him you CAN have a life without him. Of course it will take time, I'm still healing at the moment.
I like to believe that if two people are really ment to be together then they will be. Whether they meet again later in life or they work through their differences at the time once the dust settles.

I know it's horrible and bed seems like the safest place for you at the moment but that will make you feel worse. You'll only dwell on things more and that's no good for you right now. As difficult as it may sound try to get out of the house as much as you can. Even if it's just a walk to the shops or local park. Keep active and as busy as you can, I can't stress how important that is. You can do it, you have family and friends you're not alone. Utilise them!

CDfm

OP -have you spoken to anyone -its just that I am aware of someone who was in a similar situation to you who took on the symptoms of his partner.

LegacyUser

I have to hold onto that hope, whats the point otherwise, he was the love of my life, the person I thought i'd spend the rest of my life with, I just cant imagine yet a life without him.

I do have a problem in that I cant seem to stop contacting him, I'm fine during the day but then in the evenings its like I lose control and have to talk to him.

I just feel like I want to stay in bed for the rest of my life, I dont care about anything, it's like I just want to be stuck here with my memories, its all I have left. See thats the thing, i'm not close to my family, I cant talk about this with my mam or anything and I have only one close friend that I'd speak to about this, i've never been good at meeting people, I just feel so alone.

CDfm - No I havent spoken to anyone, I wouldnt have thought that was a possibility, but Im just not up to trying to find anyone to speak to right now.

CDfm

canthelp wrote: »

CDfm - No I havent spoken to anyone, I wouldnt have thought that was a possibility, but Im just not up to trying to find anyone to speak to right now.

OP - maybe you should talk to your GP.People who are very close to depressed people can be affected as their lifestyle is dictated by the OH's illness. Think about it. If it was me it is what I would do

Flojo

canthelp wrote: »

I have to hold onto that hope, whats the point otherwise, he was the love of my life, the person I thought i'd spend the rest of my life with, I just cant imagine yet a life without him.

I do have a problem in that I cant seem to stop contacting him, I'm fine during the day but then in the evenings its like I lose control and have to talk to him.

I just feel like I want to stay in bed for the rest of my life, I dont care about anything, it's like I just want to be stuck here with my memories, its all I have left. See thats the thing, i'm not close to my family, I cant talk about this with my mam or anything and I have only one close friend that I'd speak to about this, i've never been good at meeting people, I just feel so alone.

CDfm - No I havent spoken to anyone, I wouldnt have thought that was a possibility, but Im just not up to trying to find anyone to speak to right now.

I know your pain hun but there is hope after him. As I mentioned above you had a life before him you will have one after. It almost sounds like you were borderline obsessed with him. I was kinda like that too with my ex. He was my world, it was my own fault for putting him on that pedestal. So when I finally ended things I was crushed to pieces. But as the cliche goes.. time is a great healer. You feel like this now because everything is still so fresh and raw.

I know you can't bear not speaking to him but have you thought how difficult you are making things for for the both of you? Right now wouldn't be the best time for talking and it could ignite arguments which would only make you feel worse. What has he been saying to you when you do talk to him? Just try your best to give him at least a week. Let both of your emotions settle a bit before talking about what has happened.
If during the evening is when you miss him most then you need to focus on doing things to take you mind off it at that time. As I mentioned get yourself out of the house.. even if it is just a walk to the shops or to the park.

I know you haven't given up hope on getting through this and moving on.. you wouldn't be here otherwise if all you really wanted to do was stay in bed and give up. You're so much stronger than that.
Go speak to your close friend.. ask them if they could help introduce you to more people or accompany you to activities.. would you considering looking up things in your local area? For example..tag rugby. It's ment to be great craic, handy place to meet men and women and it keeps you fit! If not have a look and see if there are any art, dance or creative writing classes. Put those emotions to good use and express yourself! You'll feel so much better after, because you're taking your mind off things and doing something productive. Maybe even join your local gym with your friend?
Also Boards meet ups are a great way to meet new people.
If you don't feel like leaving the house there are courses you can apply and work through online. Maybe try learn a new language, and set a goal for yourself to go visit that country one day!

Also you've been to your docter.. did they offer any other kind of help apart from the tablets? They really should have in my opinion. It does sound like you could do with someone to talk to.

Where are you based?

LegacyUser

OP, if you read up on 'co-dependency', I think it might give you some answers.

Even if you sort things out with him, it's important that you know that you're ok on your own, and that you establish boundaries to protect yourself too - and I know you'll think that's selfish, but it's not. We all have our limits and you have to know yours.

The break up isn't your fault, he isn't capable of having a relationship right now, and that isn't his fault either. And I know it's hard, I know it's so hard knowing that you love each other but just can't be together. But don't give up on him, look after yourself first and be strong, so that you'll be there when he's ready to come back to you. I've been through it myself and I can honestly say that once you stop trying to control how he feels, and realise that you can't 'make him feel better', you'll start to feel alot better yourself. And it'll take alot of pressure off you.

I really think it will work out. I know the situation you're in now is hard, because you're still hanging on, and I know that other people might tell you to walk away and move on with your life. But if you love him, I think that it's the most important thing in the world, and nothing else matters as much as that one thing. He obviously loves you very much, and if you give him time I'm sure he'll find his way back to you.

Keep the chin up.x

LegacyUser

Ok so got outa bed last nite and brought the doggies for a walk and had a shower and while still heartbroken I did feel better to be up, even managed to make it to work today and I think it did me good to have something to focus on apart from the pain.

No I wasnt asked did I want to talk to anyone at the dr, to be honest I'm not sure it's necessary, I lost my boyfriend and my best friend in one, I think thats going to hit anyone hard. I've stoped contacting him but will be phoning him at the weekend (arguing isnt the problem, we havent been fighting about anything when talking but I do get upset and miss him which upsets him coz he hates to think of me so hurt) to check in on him and see how he's doing, honestly even after everything i'm worried about him and would like to check in and make sure everythings ok.

I know thats not exactly moving on but I have no intention of looking for romance while theres still a chance with him, and until he's healthy again and can then say we cant be together then i'll hold onto my hope and keep in contact, but back off as well to give him the space he obviously needs.

I am going to try and find something to fill all this extra free time I now have, and believe me theres a lot of it! or so it seems at the moment, maybe a class or something, I'm really not into sports.

I still wish this had never happened and that I could go back to being happy for now i'll just have to work on myself and being on my own again.

Thank you everyone for the advice, the last few weeks have been difficult and you've all been so much help.

LegacyUser

canthelp wrote: »

Ok so got outa bed last nite and brought the doggies for a walk and had a shower and while still heartbroken I did feel better to be up, even managed to make it to work today and I think it did me good to have something to focus on apart from the pain.

No I wasnt asked did I want to talk to anyone at the dr, to be honest I'm not sure it's necessary, I lost my boyfriend and my best friend in one, I think thats going to hit anyone hard. I've stoped contacting him but will be phoning him at the weekend (arguing isnt the problem, we havent been fighting about anything when talking but I do get upset and miss him which upsets him coz he hates to think of me so hurt) to check in on him and see how he's doing, honestly even after everything i'm worried about him and would like to check in and make sure everythings ok.

I know thats not exactly moving on but I have no intention of looking for romance while theres still a chance with him, and until he's healthy again and can then say we cant be together then i'll hold onto my hope and keep in contact, but back off as well to give him the space he obviously needs.

I am going to try and find something to fill all this extra free time I now have, and believe me theres a lot of it! or so it seems at the moment, maybe a class or something, I'm really not into sports.

I still wish this had never happened and that I could go back to being happy for now i'll just have to work on myself and being on my own again.

Thank you everyone for the advice, the last few weeks have been difficult and you've all been so much help.

You really do need to talk to someone, if you keep it all to yourself it's just all going to build up to the point where you can't handle it anymore. And that's not going to help him either. You have to help yourself in order to help him, and you have to realise that you're allowed to find it hard to deal with, you're not expected to understand - and it's ok to find it hard to cope with. Talking to someone isn't a sign of weakness, and it's not something to feel bad about either, you shouldn't have to deal with this on your own. I see so much of me in you, you're writing things here that I've said to myself a million times. But I'm in a better place now, so I'm hoping that you'll listen to me.

See, you're saying you want to phone him to make sure he's ok, and that's a nice thing to do - it's commendable. But you have to admit to yourself that you're also phoning him because you've made your life revolve around him, and losing him is so terrifying that you'll do anything to make sure that you don't. Even if that means feeling the way you do.

It's great that you're looking at your other interests and trying to keep yourself busy, keep doing that. Remember that you had a great life before you met him, and that you'll be ok without him - thinking that doesn't mean you love him any less, it's just having a more healthy view of things. Then, hopefully if things work out, you'll be able to deal with his situation alot better, and neither of you will feel under as much pressure. It's not your job to 'fix' him, it's simply your job to love him - and you're doing that the best you can; it's obvious that you love him with all your heart. There is no more you can do, and there is no more that he, nor anyone else, would expect you to do. Accepting that is the best thing you can do right now.

LegacyUser

This part really stood out to me in your post I'vebeenthere, you're right, I am terrified of losing him, every time I think about it my stomach jumps and I panic a little, so maybe you are right, I had thought that was normal but you seem to really understand what i'm going to through so I think I'll say it to the dr when i go back next week, or should I just find someone myself?

I do want to get to a better place, I think you're right and I need a more healthy view on things and in the long run if we do get back together then that's certainly what i'll need going in. I do love him but I guess I need to stop trying to control things and help him and just be there.

LegacyUser

canthelp wrote: »

This part really stood out to me in your post I'vebeenthere, you're right, I am terrified of losing him, every time I think about it my stomach jumps and I panic a little, so maybe you are right, I had thought that was normal but you seem to really understand what i'm going to through so I think I'll say it to the dr when i go back next week, or should I just find someone myself?

I do want to get to a better place, I think you're right and I need a more healthy view on things and in the long run if we do get back together then that's certainly what i'll need going in. I do love him but I guess I need to stop trying to control things and help him and just be there.

I'm really glad that you can relate a bit to what I've said. I did the same thing as you at first, I convinced myself that it was all about him, and that how I felt didn't matter. But it does matter. And once you realise that, and deal with it, I promise you that you'll start to feel better.

I understand the 'control' thing; you text him about anything, just for reassurance, and if he replies - even just with one word, it makes you feel better...because it means you haven't lost him yet. I know how hard it is, and I know that feeling you get when your phone beeps in case it's him. But you have to stop being reliant on him to make you feel better, and you have to do it for yourself.

See, you're telling yourself that you want to help him, and you do - I believe that. But, you want that reassurance back in return and when you don't get it, it hurts so damn much; because you feel like you're trying so hard, and giving so much - but not getting anything back. You just have to understand that he can't give it to you, he can't give you anything right now, so it's important that you look after yourself instead - that you take responsiblity for how you feel and you change it.

It would be better to speak to a therapist instead of the doctor, if you can afford it, they're trained to help people in these situations and they can help you understand how you're feeling. Just make sure you see a qualified therapist - because there are too many bogus counsellors out there with 6 month diplomas.

You'll be ok, I know you will. And even if you can't bring yourself to talk to anyone else yet, just please keep posting here if it helps.

LegacyUser

I'vebeenthere wrote: »

See, you're saying you want to phone him to make sure he's ok, and that's a nice thing to do - it's commendable. But you have to admit to yourself that you're also phoning him because you've made your life revolve around him, and losing him is so terrifying that you'll do anything to make sure that you don't. Even if that means feeling the way you do.

Sorry I meant to quote this part of I'vebeenthere's post.

LegacyUser

I can relate a lot to what you've said I'vebeenthere! The bit about the phone, you're right every time my phone beeps my heart jumps thinking its him! I do want the reassurance, I want to know he's thinking about me and i'm on his mind it makes me feel better.

Im going to do my best to follow you're advice and do what I can to make myself feel better and healthy while on my own.

I would be happy to go to a Therapist if it would help, but to be honest I'm not 100% about how I would find a relaible one.

LegacyUser

canthelp wrote: »

I can relate a lot to what you've said I'vebeenthere! The bit about the phone, you're right every time my phone beeps my heart jumps thinking its him! I do want the reassurance, I want to know he's thinking about me and i'm on his mind it makes me feel better.

Im going to do my best to follow you're advice and do what I can to make myself feel better and healthy while on my own.

I would be happy to go to a Therapist if it would help, but to be honest I'm not 100% about how I would find a relaible one.

I'm not sure if I'm allowed to write the name on here, but if you're in Dublin there's a great therapy centre in Malahide called the bwell clinic - I hope the mods let me put the name in here because I know it's hard to know where to go yourself. If you're not based in Dublin then maybe ask your doctor if they can recommend anyone, or look for psychotherapists in your area online. I really do think it would help you.

Try not to pressurise him for that reassurance, I know it's really hard, but you constantly asking him will just make him feel worse. Try to remember that he does love you, that hasn't changed, despite everything else that has. You haven't done anything wrong, there is nothing you could have done to stop him feeling like this and there is nothing you can do to magically make it better. I bet that just knowing you love him is helping him more than you know, he just can't express it right now.

You can't make him change his mind about the break up - in his mind it's the best thing to do, because he doesn't want to hurt you anymore. And that's just testament to how much he loves you. For now, just try to get on with things as best you can and keep yourself busy. I know that's easy to say, but I promise it really does help. Let him know you're here for him, and that you love him, but try to give him the space he needs - and work on yourself too.

little lady

Hi OP,

I’ve been following your thread for the past few days and I have to tell you that I know exactly how you feel, I’m going through the same thing at the moment although I am a few months ahead of you and my ex lives in the US.

For me it all started in April of this year. We had been dating for about 10 months and I had been for a visit in March, all was fantastic and then suddenly he became quite and withdrawn, texts became less frequent, he wouldn't skype and phone calls became painful as he didn’t want to or couldn’t talk.

We broke up for about three months which was horrible for me. Couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat and became depressed. I did go to my doctor and was given sleeping tablets, she wanted me to take anti-depressants but I didn’t want to. I did start to go to a few aware meetings which I found really helpful.

I offered my support to him which in my eyes he didn’t want. In August he contacted me and wanted to try again, told me he still loved me and would do anything to have me back in his life, this lasted for about four weeks and then the cycle started all over again.

At the moment we aren’t talking, he said that he can’t handle being in a relationship, he has too much to worry about himself without dealing with a relationship and I suppose a long distance relationship is hard at the best of times.

I do understand where he is coming from but that doesn’t make things any easier for me. I still feel the same about him and would do anything to help him. I know he still loves me, he told me a few weeks that he did and that he always would. Unfortunately there is nothing I can do but wait and see what happens. I believe in my heart that he will come back but I have learnt that I can’t put my life on hold for him, so I went back to college and I’m carrying on living.

I think about him all day and sometimes it drives me insane.

All we can do is wait and see what happens. You have to look after yourself, both for you and in case he does call on you. You don’t want to be in place that he will worry about you and cause himself more stress if he needs you. I know it is not the best way to look at things but it was that thought that made me sort myself out. I wanted to be strong for him and I couldn’t be strong for him if I wasn’t strong for me.

I know that it doesn’t seem like it now but once you start looking after yourself it becomes a little easier. I haven’t stopped thinking about my ex or hoping and praying that things change but I personally am in a better place and that is better for both of us.