not very romantic...

LegacyUser

I'll try to keep this short.
I've worked hard and have very good qualifications and prospects. Financially, I should be fine, and I hope one day to be able to contribute to my family at home, who have bad money worries.
My boyfriend has no job, no qualifications, no money, no training and little motivation. He doesn't see life and work the way I do.
We have an amazing time together, even though we can never afford to do anything unless I pay for it. His family are like my family, and he is very much part of mine (although my family worry about his lack of motivation).
I love him, but sometimes I wonder if my life would just be so much easier if I met somebody with money. I know that sounds shallow. We've been like best friends for 3 years, but also like big kids...is it time I got real? What kind of life can I expect like this? I just can't see a way that this can work. It's like heart versus head...

astra2000

Hi op just wondering what age you both are. If you have long term plans in mind does he share them? Tbh it does not sound good for the future if he has no inclination to work/study.

LegacyUser

If you're happy to be the breadwinner& he's happy to be a househusband, no problem. But what type of househusband do you think he'll make? Will he be one who cleans/washes- ie: work, OR will he lounge about leaving a big mess for you to tidy up on your return from your days' work? If you suspect the latter, leave!
It can't be easy funding everything& being the "responsible" one. YOU deserve to be treated too.

S23

Knowing what age you are would help. Maybe if you're both young enough theres time for him to grow up and realise he needs to have some kind of goal or motivation or plan.

If hes 18-19-20, then I can see why he might be under motivated. Prospects are bleak, there are no jobs, there are literally tens of thousands of people with qualifications coming out of their ears with no job. He may think whats the point in study sure no matter what I do for now there are others who outgun me in qualifications when it comes to job time. I don't know. I'm trying not to write him off yet on the basis of a brief post

A bit more info would be helpful OP

LegacyUser

I'm 30 and he's 27! That's why maybe this is an issue for me and not for him. But at 27 I would expect he would want to do something. He's worked odd jobs for years but nothing of substance, and he spends periods of 6months to a year on the dole quite happily. This is coming to a head because I think I will have to leave Ireland when my PHD is finished in order to get a better job. The thing is I'm meeting plenty of new people (and men) in my line of work, but I seem to only have eyes for my bf...which is, frankly, a bit annoying! Sometimes I think if I could just fall for someone else my problems would be over. I almost will it...awful as that sounds...but it never happens...his big smiley face just pops up in my head...he's just so carefree.
Does he talk about long term plans? Not really... I'm constantly harping on about what we'll do and where our relationship is going...he just seems content for us to stay as we are with nothing changing...but life does change. I'm just sick of being the practical one.
Househusband? hardly...he can barely make himself a sandwhich!

Ickle Magoo

I guess it comes down to what you want in life and what attributes you ultimately find attractive. His lack of motivation, drive and direction isn't an issue if that's the kind of man you want to settle with and if you find barely being able to make a sandwich and apathy regarding the future attractive qualities...

It could be you are coming to cross-roads in terms of being on such different mind-sets that it's impossible to maintain a relationship?

sbsquarepants

There are 2 basic types of people, (according to the sbsquarepants school of psychology!) Those who focus on the destination and those who are just happy with the journey, and basically who knows who's right and who's wrong.
But (there's always a but!) for all his wealth, power and success, Bill Gates, will eventually end up in a box pretty much the same as your boyfriends. So don't be overly concerned about what your family or anybody else thinks, when you're with this guy you are happy, surely that's what's important? Nobody lies on their death bed thinking "i really wish i'd worked longer hours" I personally think you should enjoy the journey, you might never make the destination.:D

LegacyUser

Take it from someone who's been there.

When I was 27 I was living with a girl, working a job I didn't feel confident in and just had no confidence.

Roll on 10 years. I'm only now wanting to settle down a bit. Have a job which I'm more comfortable in and enjoying life a lot more.

It may be down to a lack of confidence -

I am happy in most areas of my life but always had (until recently) a lack of confidence when it came to work - it's what I worried about most. Looking back, if I'd a job that I had been more confident doing (when in my 20s), I'd have been happier in other aspects of my life.

And, I took years off travelling, enjoying myself and hanging out to realise what I was good at and what I did want to do.

So maybe if he found something he was happy working at, he'd be more together.

Could it be that he sees that due to his lack of qualifications and experience, that he'd have little luck getting work - or is it that he's lazy.

Depends on what you mean by getting real - lots of people "got real" over the last 10 years and are mortgaged to the hilt, under severe pressure etc....

I can be extremely lazy - I could spend weeks on end hanging out, travelling and doing nothing... . but the realisation that I need cash to fund my lifestyle means I have to work.

Does he have any interests?

Moomoo1

I always value personal happiness over money myself. Hard as earning money is, it's MUCH easier than finding the right person that you click with and are happy with.

You say that you have a PhD and decent job prospects, so why not just do what you want to do, earn your money, and let him follow you around? In a way, it would have been worse if he were career orientated and decided he needed to go halfway round the world from where you are going to be for his next promotion!

Chicago Chick

Are you happy with your boyfriend overall? If you are happy with the way things are in your relationship then don't let anybody else tell you what your boyfriend should be doing or what ambitions he should or should not have as it has nothing to do with them. If on the other hand you are getting fustrated by your ambition and his seemingly lack of ambition you need to sit and talk about it as it is not fair on either of you.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies. It is like that, as in I do find it difficult not to be influenced by the idea of what things "should" be like. So many people I know, particularly now, if you say you have a boyfriend the first question is what does he do...then I see everyone else being able to go to fancy restaurants and holidays when I'm eating chips and watching DVDs every weekend. I feel not grown up or something, and sometimes inadequate especially considering my age. But for the time I do spend with him, I am happy, even if our personalities do clash there is a lot of love between us.
With him I know it is confidence. I'm not good at being supportive as I get frustrated feeling so busy all the time when he just sits around. Basically whatever jobs he does get are so badly paid, and rubbish, I can't exactly argue with him because I would never do them! He was working in a petrol station doing nights for a few months, and his boss was so awful I told him to leave...I would never be ordered around like that. Now he barely looks for work at all though, which annoys me. But I was lucky enough to get straight "A"s at school so my life took me on a different path...
Relationships are not easy...anyone single out there I would almost be tempted to say "stay that way"!!

kylith

Would you consider talking to him and working out an arrangement where he cleans the house, does the washing etc? I know you said that making a sandwich is almost beyond him, but learning to cook isn't difficult and if you were able to come home to a roast chicken or spag bol a few nights a week it might help you feel like the relationship is more 'grown up' and help him feel like he's making a valuable contribution.

Distorted

Apparantly the rate of failure of relationships where the man is a house husband or earns substantially less than the woman is much higher than average, as is the rate of cheating - by the man.

Is this a relationship that has run its course? As you have progressed your career and moved on in life, have you outgrown him? Do you have intersting conversations with him, if he has little qualifications and life experience? Is it more of a "safety" relationship? And I'm sorry but it may be lack of confidence on his part, but he is an adult male who has grown up in a developed country, he is capable of developing a reliable career without the help of others!

Its different though when you have been going out with someone for a while. I'm now single in my thirties and I'd honestly rather be single than take on some man of the same age or older who isn't on a par with me career wise or at least in terms of owning their own flat and car. You can almost see some guys' eyes light up at the thought of bagging a girlfriend with a decent flat and car, where they are still living in a rented room and using the bus. Its not about going after money, its about someone bringing something into the relationship and someone you can respect. I hate the feeling of someone holding me back, I want to have things like a nice house and a good pension and its so much easier if there are two of you to contribute when you are young.

LegacyUser

If you believe this man could be the father of your children, you have to think of what life could be like when you have them. From what you've said, he sounds very laid back, doesn't seem to be too bothered by anything. Nothing wrong with that. But if you think he would be the sort to leave everything for you to deal with, then having children with such a person would not be a good idea. It's stressful enough to try and hold down a job, keep a household and rear children. It'd be even more stressful if you have a partner who contributes nothing to the overall running of the household, and rearing of children.

If you think you could be happy in a situation like this, then he's the right man for you.

Moomoo1

Distorted wrote: »

Apparantly the rate of failure of relationships where the man is a house husband or earns substantially less than the woman is much higher than average, as is the rate of cheating - by the man.

that sort of stands to reason. If you stay at home you have a lot more time to cheat. I am sure the rates of cheating by housewives are also higher than those in relationships in which both partners work.

Distorted wrote: »

at least in terms of owning their own flat

in today's economic climate that probably restricts you to the 45+ age bracket :-P

Moomoo1

unregistered wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies. It is like that, as in I do find it difficult not to be influenced by the idea of what things "should" be like. So many people I know, particularly now, if you say you have a boyfriend the first question is what does he do...

don't you think that this 'idea' is incredibly sexist? Would the same question be asked about your girlfriend if you were a man do you think? Would saying 'she is a housewife' or 'she is looking for a job' elicit the same reaction?

unregistered wrote: »

then I see everyone else being able to go to fancy restaurants and holidays when I'm eating chips and watching DVDs every weekend. I feel not grown up or something, and sometimes inadequate especially considering my age.

again, do you think that if you were a guy and your OH was a woman you would still be feeling inadequate?

boobar

unregistered wrote: »

I'll try to keep this short.
I've worked hard and have very good qualifications and prospects. Financially, I should be fine, and I hope one day to be able to contribute to my family at home, who have bad money worries.
My boyfriend has no job, no qualifications, no money, no training and little motivation. He doesn't see life and work the way I do.
We have an amazing time together, even though we can never afford to do anything unless I pay for it. His family are like my family, and he is very much part of mine (although my family worry about his lack of motivation).
I love him, but sometimes I wonder if my life would just be so much easier if I met somebody with money. I know that sounds shallow. We've been like best friends for 3 years, but also like big kids...is it time I got real? What kind of life can I expect like this? I just can't see a way that this can work. It's like heart versus head...

You have an "amazing time together", you say you "love him"....that's great, you're sorted. Some people never find that.

Sometimes ye're like "big kids"....that's great too in my view. Why is that a bad thing?

Is it time you got real? Oh yeah, dump him and go get some horrorshow of a man with a pension plan, I think not.

Look ahead to the future, if you have kids, wouldn't it be great to have a stay at home dad that's fun and loves mum?

I know others will probably think me naive for this view, but you know it's good sometimes to hear that the only fault you find in a person is that they don't value money or high powered jobs....

Distorted

Moomoo1 wrote: »

don't you think that this 'idea' is incredibly sexist? Would the same question be asked about your girlfriend if you were a man do you think? Would saying 'she is a housewife' or 'she is looking for a job' elicit the same reaction?

I wouldn't have said that in the slightest. Its one of the first questions I ask, or have asked of me, on meeting for example new people at a party or something. Sort of comes after "where do you come from?".

LegacyUser

In explaining why your jobs differ, you said you were "lucky enough to get straight As in school", as opposed to your boyfriend, poor lamb. I'm reminded of the saying- It's amazing how lucky hard-working people are. Think about it.
If your bf chooses- note, chooses- not to work/study/further himself, then please please do not have sympathy for him if the remaining jobs are badly paid& demeaning to him.

Moomoo1

waitjustasecond wrote: »

In explaining why your jobs differ, you said you were "lucky enough to get straight As in school", as opposed to your boyfriend, poor lamb. I'm reminded of the saying- It's amazing how lucky hard-working people are. Think about it.
If your bf chooses- note, chooses- not to work/study/further himself, then please please do not have sympathy for him if the remaining jobs are badly paid& demeaning to him.

if that saying is really true, how come so many millions of hard-working people are still stuck in badly paid and demeaning jobs? How come so many lazy people get cushy well-paid jobs?

fungun

Moomoo1 wrote: »

if that saying is really true, how come so many millions of hard-working people are still stuck in badly paid and demeaning jobs? How come so many lazy people get cushy well-paid jobs?

the saying isnt always true of course but its a decent generalisation.

Obviously with hard work you still need vision and some luck to get a well paid job but on the flip side very few lazy people actually get cushy well paid jobs....a lot of these people got to where they needed to be and then just got lazy.

OP - does your bf have any kind of plan as to what he wants to do? If not, then you have to ask yourself will you be happy supporting him all your life. And despite all the fairytales you might hear, this will certainly cause problems at stages in your life when you are trying to save up for something, a holiday, sth for the kids or whatever.
If you are paying for him, then Id be insisting on him at least either doing a househusband role where he does the majority of the housework or else executing on a plan to get himself where he wants to be to get a job.

Distorted

boobar wrote: »

You have an "amazing time together", you say you "love him"....that's great, you're sorted. Some people never find that.

Sometimes ye're like "big kids"....that's great too in my view. Why is that a bad thing?

Is it time you got real? Oh yeah, dump him and go get some horrorshow of a man with a pension plan, I think not.

Look ahead to the future, if you have kids, wouldn't it be great to have a stay at home dad that's fun and loves mum?

I know others will probably think me naive for this view, but you know it's good sometimes to hear that the only fault you find in a person is that they don't value money or high powered jobs....

Thats all very well but in reality a grown adult who can't provide for himself by working regularly isn't much fun. No-one is saying he has to be a career driven management executive, but a regular job might be nice by the age of 27 (or an education). Its all very well living the life of a latter day aristocrat, untroubled by the need to have a career, if you have a trust fund or will inherit millions. Its also assuming the OP is going to earn enough to support two people and is going to be happy to do so. Plus personally I'd want my kids to have a good male role model and a man who has never held down regular consistent employment in his entire life prior to becoming a house husband, is not one.