Feel Like a prat

LegacyUser

Mods feel free to move.
Long story short, my wife may be depressed. And I feel like a prat for not recognising it sooner and instead arguing with her about her negative outlook on our relationship.

Long story slightly longer
We've been married for five years, have two kids and one neo-natal death.
She got counselling and seems to have dealt with that issue. So much so, that when asked, she tells people that ask, that we have three kids (it annoys me no end, bringing up such an issue with a complete stranger rather than saying two. That's not the issue here though).

We both have strong personalities and argue semi-regularly(once a week sometimes, others once a month) over different aspects of child-rearing mostly. We just have different viewpoints.

However it's gotten to the stage, where, anytime we have an argument, she gets down about the face that we argue. We may not have argued in a month, and the first thing she says is I can't believe we're arguing again.
That then pi&*es me off over the fact that her problem is not the issue at hand, but the fact that we're even arguing.

About two or three years ago, I brought this up that she can never seem to let an argument go, even after it's resolution and she said she would work on it.
About a year ago, I suggested that she see some, a doctor or counsellor on the subject.

I can see when I step back, that that these issues have been building.
I feel like a wa^%£er that instead of supporting her, I got sucked into arguing with her about negativity.
Is there something I should have been looking for? Could I have avoided all this?

Next step is some research in how to deal with spousal depression.
That's assuming that's what that is. She announced yesterday evening she'd been to the doctor who'd given her anti-anxiety meds until depression meds kick in. Details were scant, she's still not talking to me.

I know people are going to suggest reasons for the depression.
Like a thread on here about a month or two ago, childbirth seems to make a huge difference with her and she becomes very introverted. We're both tired and stressed, and that I can put up with. This last child (within the last year) has been slightly worse than normal, though we were/are in the process of making time for each other again, at least once a week.
Pile on top of that, a death in the family in the last year.
Then last night that she announced that we've had 3 different houses in 4 years. (we're in our own house now at least 2+ years)
This last point I really don't understand. It's never been mentioned before as an issue.

Sorry for the rant/moan

curlzy

Hey OP,

Sounds to me like your relationship has been a battle of wills. I'm not going to wax lyrical on that coz you're well sensible enough to see the lunacy in that one but I also understand it, it's very easy to slip into one method of communication, this may have worked when you both were in full health ( mental health ) but it's not anymore. It also sounds like it's turned into the case that your wife feels she can't communicate with you at all if she didn't even tell you about going to the doctors and getting meds.

If it were me I would completely and utterly throw myself at her mercy (well in my case his mercy) I would apologise unreservedly for getting side tracked into arguments, I would foster compassion and tenderness. I mean 100%, show her how much you love her and want to be there to support her and how sorry you are if you pushed distance between you. Concentrate from now on not on winning the argument but on LISTENING!!! Also tell her that you would be honoured if she trusts you enough to let you help her through this.

Another little thing that struck me is that she may not be as over losing your child as you had thought, she may be sensing your impatience and that would make her draw back from you too. I know you are hurting from that as much as she is but maybe she hasn't dealt with it in the same way and needs to bring it up?

I suppose what I'm suggesting is to concentrate on your feminine nurturing side? It can be hard for some guys but you do have one!!! Hugs and kind words, simple things like calling her love and darling can help close the distance. She will need counselling/meds if she's struggling with mental health issues but you can drive her there and take an interest in what she shares with you.

I'm sure you'll be fine though, it really sounds that this was something that you just didn't notice/understand but you want to make it better and sure that's the most important thing.

Best of luck, I hope she feels better soon.

StarryMoon0

Hi OP,

I can understand you feel like a prat, but bear in mind none of us are mindreaders. We get on with life and take things as they come, sometimes not thinking to stop and connect the dots. This is no fault of yours, but you will have to support her as best you can.

It will take a while for her to maybe get used to the meds and such, which could be a difficult time for the both of you. You will get through it though.

I also think she is maybe not over the baby yet.

Once she is settled a bit, some counselling might be good, or even at minimum, doing some work together on communication. I have an execllent book my OH and I work on if you would like a recamendation. It teaches you how to work through conflict and communcate openly. Its done wonders for us.

Best of luck to you both.

Taltos

Hi OP
sorry for all the hassle you are both going through.
Something I am not clear on - when you say argument - do you really mean argument or a discussion?

My wife and I used to argue all the time until we both realized how destructive it was being to how we felt about each other and about our relationship. It was hard but we have slowly learnt to discuss disagreements and to keep the heat out of our talk - including no throwing up items from last week/month/year.

I am not kidding this was really touch and go for us for a while.
Might I suggest that if this is something that you feel right now with your history is beyond you both that you reach out for some help from a professional to help you both learn how to discuss different viewpoints and to show total respect for the other while doing so?

I know this sounds like crap - but learning to talk like this had really helped us through some tough times - even if it has meant one or both of us reminding the other when we start to go off on one...

LegacyUser

Thanks all for your words and advice.
I suppose that my wife going to the doctor yesterday was a real eye-opener about how badly she was feeling about things.

curlzy
It is possible she's not over the child, but I'm inclined to think that any and all changes in her life in the last five years are being thrown into one big pile at the moment.

Taltos
Discussions tend to become arguments, we literally have opposing views on some aspects of child-rearing.

What's funny is that we used to be quite good at communicating with each other.
I have a book(men are from mars...... not great I know, but a start) that I should re-read. Any recommendations would be appreciated as well.

curlzy

Hey OP,

I wouldn't bother reading "men are from mars, women are from venus" this isn't about the difference between the sexes. This is about your wife being in mental anguish and you wanting to help her, isn't it? I know the sexes are different in their outlooks but you don't need to understand it to that level, maybe a book on grief and depression would be better? I say again; foster your nurturing side, make her a cup of tea, hold her hand, give her an unexpected hug, tell her you love her. Those are the things my guy does for me when I'm a bit down and they do help. Obviously though she should also continue going to the doctors and taking her meds.

Best of luck.

Taltos

Sometimes the best resolution to a discussion is to agree that you are different - and table it for a later date - or an appt with a counsellor.

You both need to find a way to see from the others viewpoint - not necessarily agree - but accept and move on from that...

Lets face it life would be boring if you were clones with each other. Please do try to seek help though in getting to that stage - it is not always easy alone and sometimes all you can do well is still not enough...

LegacyUser

Curlzy, there'd be thanks if I could do that unreg'd.
I have been taking your advice and we'll get through this.

The reason I brought up the "men are from mars" is that it gives definite insight into the fact that women just want someone to listen. I remember it being a revelation when I read that several years ago. My problem has always been that I hear a problem and immediately start trying to fix it. Doing nothing is one of the hardest things to do I find.

Again, thanks to you all for the pointers.

StarryMoon0

Unreg'd for now wrote: »

What's funny is that we used to be quite good at communicating with each other.
I have a book(men are from mars...... not great I know, but a start) that I should re-read. Any recommendations would be appreciated as well.

We've been going through this book, and its got some good stuff in it.

Couple Skills - Making your relationship work
(Mathew McKay, Patrick Fanning, Kim Paleg)