The wedding speech

weiland79

So I'm planning to ask my girlfriend to marry me next month. It's something we've spoken about (obviously) for a while,and we are both very happy.

The problem is her father. He's a very quite and shy man.
I knew all about his reservedness before i ever met him, through my girlfriends friends.
They were always going on about how awkward he makes situations through his demeanour.
As it turns out they were all right.

I remember the first time he met my folks. It was at our little girls b day party, he turned up two hours late with a few drinks on him,didn't speak to any of my family,gave my partner some abuse and left.

Now i know that sounds pretty awful but i don't want to paint him in too bad light as he is really very good to us.
He is always up in our house helping me fix stuff and if we are ever stuck for a few quid he will always be the first to offer us a dig out. And after knowing him for a few years we get on pretty well.

But in social situations he acts deplorably.

On to the point.

My girlfriend doesn't want us to have any speeches at our wedding. She has good reason for this. Her sister got married a few years ago and her dad got so worked up about the whole thing that he didn't show up for the wedding at all.
Of course i can understand were she is coming from but i know for a fact that my father will want to say at least a few words,as will I.

So we are having a big row about it. She has dug her heels in about it and so have I. My side of the arguement is that it is my day as well and I'll be damned if i will be dictated to about how it should proceed, especially if i'm paying for it. And she of course wants there to be no fear of her dad not turning up on the day.

I have made it clear that he will not be expected to make any sort of speech on the day,but as it turns out he wasn't expected to make a speech at my sister in laws wedding either.

Ah all this drama and we aren't even engaged yet:)

But seriously any thoughts guy's.

Thanks..

astra2000

You should be able to come to an agreement about this. In my opinion people just go with the flow and if there are no speeches lots of speeches or just a couple it is your business. If your fiancee is worried that if you or your dad makes a speech her father will feel under pressure to make one can you not ask her to tell her dad there will be no speeches and on the day say it was an spur of the moment thing, her dad does not need to speak. I have been at weddings where the brides father did not like speaking and a family member spoke on his behalf, could this be a possibility?
Is it alcohol that contributes to his bad behaviour in social situations? Is he having a few drinks to calm his nerves? Maybe you could get a family member to keep an eye on his alcohol intake.
The last couple of weddings I have been at has had some of the speeches before the meal while waiting for the starter this may be an option to get them over with and not spend the whole meal worrying about his reaction. Congrats and best wishes

LegacyUser

Why not leave the decision up to the brides' dad himself? From the sounds of things, ye get on grand with him on an everyday basis, so just broach it with him, see what he's comfortable with, say to him that there's no obligation either way,& see what he says.

prinz

Why the row? Why the drama? Whoever wants to give a speech can. Simples. At my own last year I wanted speeches kept to an absolute minimum whereas on my wife's side they could have kept on talking all night.

My own father would be the shy, nervous type and I know for a fact that at one stage he was feeling the pressure to speak so I stepped in and took the mic and gave a speech on behalf of the family, perhaps your fiancée could do the same. It's only a tradition anyway, you want her Da to enjoy the day, rather than ye worrying about what he'd do, and him worrying about speaking.

Taltos

Here's the question OP.
> Do you want to marry this woman?

If Yes - then you will do all you can to make her happy - this day and the rest of the days of your life together.

As a previous poster suggested leave it to him.
There is nothing to stop the rest of you having a few words - but maybe for a smaller private family group...

It really sounds like he has a medical complaint here (so I am not going to diagnose...) but you know - cut her some slack. If you cannot agree over this - well what hope do you have over the big stuff...

PopUp

One potential compromise is, have a rehearsal dinner the night before.

It sounds a bit American and OTT, but it's honestly a lovely, relaxing way to kick off the festivities. Invite the people who really matter, and you and your dad (and anyone else who feels the urge) can make your speeches then. Just as heartfelt, just as real as a wedding breakfast speech. The whole thing is way more intimate than doing it in front of all the work friends and college mates the next day.

Just a suggestion. I understand you have things you want to say in a speech (be careful not to go on and on and on, now!) but surely you can see her point of view too? God, the embarrassment and hassle and upset her poor sister must have had on her wedding day.

As Taltos touched on, there will be lots of other situations like this you are going to come across in your married life. The best way, the guaranteed best way, to approach them is to BOTH strive to make the other as happy as possible. Honestly it sounds cheesy as hell but if you both set out to look after the other one, you cannot lose. Easier said than done sometimes though, and don't be discouraged if it takes a while to get the hang of!

magneticimpulse

It's her dad and he is giving his daughter away. Maybe he was really sad to see his previous daughter grow up that he didnt turn up? Who knows...but in reality its the Brides day and unfortunately...it usually means making her the happinest woman and letting her sort out the wedding.

You just have to turn up!!! Seriously, ive not heard of many men planning weddings. As for Speeches, normally the father of the groom doesnt do a speech anyway! Its the best man and the father of the bride who "normally" does it.

I know my uncle was really annoyed at his son because he was never asked to give a speech...the whole family was like why? Grooms fathers never do speeches!!

The tradition is that the Brides father is giving his daughter away and "asks" the groom to take care of her. Then the best man says that he will make sure that the groom takes care of her etc. Thats usually it...any longer and people will get bored and just want to dance and get a bit of wedding cake.

PopUp

Magneticimpulse that may be how you want/wanted your wedding day to be, but these days for most people weddings are about what BOTH the couple want. And plenty of grooms help with planning - good for them for not leaving it all up to their partner!

There's no suggestion in the OP that the bride wants her dad to give her away, they may not have that sort of relationship or it may not be her cup of tea - its up to THEM, not 'convention' or 'tradition' or whatever. And if the groom's dad is moved to make a speech I'm sure it's because he has something very important to him and his family to say.

It's great that the OP wants to be involved in organising his own wedding and that he and his bride aren't sheep to go along with whatever - they want to make the day their own. The only important thing is that the OP is careful not to turn into Groomzilla, which I got a tiny sense of with the comment "I'll be damned if i will be dictated to about how it should proceed" - but that's not because he isn't entitled to have a say how things go, it's just that his mind shouldn't be on 'dictating' or being dictated to, but on compromise and the couple trying their best to make each other happy.

There's no room for either party (either because they're a woman or because they're 'paying for the day') to be dictating - the OP and his wife need to approach this creatively and try to make sure they are BOTH having the day they dreamed of. It is enitrely possible!

weiland79

Thanks for the replies guy's i'm taking them all on board. I had to laugh at Groomzilla as this couldn't be further from the truth as the 'I'll be damned ' comment was written in the heat of the moment.

Taltos your response seemed a little over the top. Of course i want to marry her, I never said that this situation was a deal breaker, I know we'll work through it, i was just asking the question here for an alternative prospective. As for the medical issue, i really cannot guess what that could be.

I would agree though that the speeches aren't the problem and that there is an underlying issue with him and public/family gatherings.

At the end of it all i suppose as Popup said compromise will be the way forward.
Although the suggestion of deceit at first didn't sit well with me. I've slept on it and maybe telling him that the speeches are spur of the moment isn't such a bad i idea, if it helps get him to the church.

magneticimpulse

PopUp wrote: »

Magneticimpulse that may be how you want/wanted your wedding day to be, but these days for most people weddings are about what BOTH the couple want. And plenty of grooms help with planning - good for them for not leaving it all up to their partner

haha ive no intention to ever get married. i think its all a waste of money for 1 day and a dress ud only ever wear once...rather spend it traveling on a nice holiday.

no its the "format" of the previous 5 weddings ive been at recently...even more so to never get married...see one you seen them all

Taltos

weiland79 wrote: »

Taltos your response seemed a little over the top. Of course i want to marry her, I never said that this situation was a deal breaker, I know we'll work through it, i was just asking the question here for an alternative prospective. As for the medical issue, i really cannot guess what that could be.

Cool - I know you might consider it over the top - but everything can be worked through when placed in the proper context.

In terms of medical - who knows he could have a phobia or an irrational fear or just hate crowds - so how does he cope - well hit the bottle and make it worse for himself so the next time he has to drink more to overcome even more fear....

Not too keen on deceit either - but just ask him what he would like to do - you could say that your dad really wants to have a few words and offer him an out - ie cannot wait for you to walk your daughter up the aisle - but if you prefer to skip the speech - then we will support you 100%

Either way best of luck on the big day.

Beruthiel

weiland79 wrote: »

I'll be damned if i will be dictated to about how it should proceed, especially if i'm paying for it.

Are the speeches really that important to you?
I never got the reason for them myself. It all seems very contrived.
I got married a few weeks ago and we had no speeches.
We wanted the day to be relaxed and informal with no pressure on anyone, including ourselves.

And she of course wants there to be no fear of her dad not turning up on the day.

I'd rather have my Dad at my wedding happy, than have him worried about the day.

At the end of the day, this is a silly thing for you both to be arguing over.
Sit down with her and talk.
Consider exactly how important these speeches are to you in the grand scheme of things V her needing to have her Dad at her wedding.

fungun

Why not talk to your bride-to-be and say ok to no long speeches but that you and your dad might say a few words to propose a toast and welcome people.

Done and dusted.

Mighty_Mouse

Recent wedding I was at. Father of the bride stood up :"congrats daughter, we love you very much"................sat down. Sin é.

Ye are not even engaged yet FFS!
Why not by the way? Isn't it supposed to be some sort of surprise?
Why start fighting over a wedding before ye even get engaged?Madness.

Riskymove

I attended a family wedding where the father of the bride was a very shy man...there was simply no way he would want to make a speech

his son made the speech on behalf of the family instead.....no one cared or got offended!!