the other guy is me :(

LegacyUser

Posting this at the risk of feeling worse about it but I really need to get advice. Recently found out that the woman I have been seeing (and sleeping with) is married. We both met in college, I am doing a Ph.D and she is doing a two year masters here (she is not from Ireland). I am 25 and she is 26. We met last year at a postgrad thingy and almost immediately clicked. She never once mentioned she was married, she does not wear a wedding ring, and I only found out yesterday when she introduced me to her husband outside the library. To be frank I felt like I was hit by a train when she said it and I only now am getting over the shock and the sick to my stomach feeling that has plagued me all day. I don't know what I hope to gain by even posting this but I know that I feel so disgusted with myself and used. I never wanted to be that guy. I know the hurt of being cheated on like that and would never do such a thing to another person. In truth I really loved this girl but the sanctity of marriage in something that I value and never willingly disrupt..... I don't know how I can come to terms with this and in one sense I feel like I have sullied my soul. I know that this post has been all about me me me and her husband is the one who was betrayed..... I just feel so rotten right now

i-digress

used&confused wrote: »

I never wanted to be that guy.

The thing is, you aren't that guy. If you honestly didn't know, then you didn't do anything wrong. You were duped just as much as the husband, you didn't deceive anyone.

used&confused wrote: »

I feel like I have sullied my soul.

This is a really strong statement. Try and knock it off as much as you can, you slept with someone who you thought was available and she wasn't. You did nothing wrong.

You are allowed to feel upset and betrayed. You had a connection with this woman. Those feelings aren't invalid because you aren't the one who is married to her.

folan

importantly though, you cant allow your relationship to continue. Shes has already shown that she is happy to use you, and to lie to you. You dont sound like you want to, but then I've heard that story before.

you've done nothing wrong. you've been used and lied to.

Distorted

And she just gaily introduced you to her husband outside the library? How wierd! What would she have done if you had (quite naturally) blurted out that you were shocked and horrified at her cheating? What a very strange woman!

Ickle Magoo

Perhaps he knew about it OP? That would explain why she had no qualms about introducing you or her husband getting suspicious at your reaction...

Regardless, you didn't know she was married because she didn't tell you and she didn't wear a wedding band - you didn't knowingly have a relationship with a married woman, if she led you to believe she was free and single then you have been duped and your soul shouldn't feel sullied because of someone elses lack of honesty.

All the best.

Ickle Magoo

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Many thanks.
Ickle

sbsquarepants

I'm a bit lost here, did she introduce you as a friend? Did she and this guy act like they were husband and wife? What i mean is, is this guy her actual husband and they still conduct themselves as husband and wife, or just some bloke she happened to marry years ago and is now longer with in anything barring the legal sense? There has to be more to this story and if i was you i wouldn't be happy till i found out the details. It's certainly a strange one

fungun

Odd story alright.

Id be tempted to agree with the thought that maybe since they were away from each other so long they made an arrangement for that time. Otherwise she could not know how you would react.

Still **** of her not to tell you though, Id be pretty pissed off with her and Id say this to her.

bubbaloo

I reckon you need to talk to her to get the full story. Maybe they are no longer together but are still legally married, but if that is the case it's pretty odd that she never mentioned it since you met her last year!
You have nothing to feel guilty about - you had no idea she was married.
I suppose you should give her a chance to explain herself and make your decision after that.
Good luck.

monzer

I would think that she had to tell the OP it was her husband, she could have been put on the spot and afraid that the OP would say something and reveal what had happened.
OP, forget about her! You did absolutely nothing wrong, you didn't know she was married so it's not really your problem! Maybe knowing how much of a bitch she is will help you to get over her quickly!

kylith

OP, you did nothing wrong. You were lead on and used by this woman. Cut all ties with her and be done with it.