How to break the news to the family

MzFit

Any tips on how to break the news about pregnancy and my being newly-engaged to my family, who will certainly be totally against it and will try to encourage me to have an abortion? I want to avoid drama and WW3 if I possibly can.

dotz

thats a tough one now. there is no point beating around the bush. if you want to tell them then just do it. the sooner the better ya know. you just got to be straight up. a few lads i know recieved the same news ( not that that they were pregnant, the GF's were) they thought the parents were going to go ape **** but they took it easy and were very accepting. there is no point holding it in.


best of luck with it,


it will be grand.

MzFit

Trouble is, I was engaged before (the relationship ultimately broke down due to a long distance problem which finally got the better of us). The parents DID go ape s**t. 3 hour tantrum from my mother in which I was not allowed one single word edgeways, or an opinion.

I'm so frickin scared.

jeepers101

The not-knowing is usually far worse than the inevitable bite. The sooner the better.

me_right_one

Were you engaged to the same girl? Why did your mother go ape when yiz broke up, did your ex owe her money or something? Weird reaction for a parent to their heart-broken child. If its that hairy a situation, I would tell them about the engagement first, and when that dies down, announce the pregnancy. Dont leave it too long tho, maybe a month or so, tell them before they find out from someone else.

MzFit

I am a female, I'm the one that's pregnant, I thought my gender was clear from the name? MzFit...Ms? I did say "try to encourage ME to have an abortion".

I was engaged to a different man, some years ago. My mother did not go ape when we broke up, she went ape when she heard she would be losing control of me via marriage. Ultimately, as I say, we never got married.

In fact, my mother is quite a manipulative woman who managed to put seeds of doubt in my mind about that very decent man to whom I was engaged before, and that was a contributing factor in the breakdown of the relationship. It all boils down to a control issue, despite the fact that I'm nowhere near being a child anymore.

me_right_one

MzFit wrote: »

I am a female, I'm the one that's pregnant, I thought my gender was clear from the name? MzFit...Ms? I did say "try to encourage ME to have an abortion".

I was engaged to a different man, some years ago. My mother did not go ape when we broke up, she went ape when she heard she would be losing control of me via marriage. Ultimately, as I say, we never got married.

In fact, my mother is quite a manipulative woman who managed to put seeds of doubt in my mind about that very decent man to whom I was engaged before, and that was a contributing factor in the breakdown of the relationship. It all boils down to a control issue, despite the fact that I'm nowhere near being a child anymore.

Sorry, long night, early hours!

So you've been through a similar situation with your family before, minus the preg? Well theoretically it shouldn't be as bad this time round. I'd still tell them about the engagement first, then the preg in a few weeks. No offence, I really, really mean no offence by this, but fcuk your mother. Who is she to try control you? Your attitude should be one of you're just letting her know, as opposed to breaking life-altering news and seeking approval. Seeing as she broke up a previous relationship, you have an extra duty to ensure she doesnt do it this time, and an extra-extra duty because your child is involved. Approach this with confidence, with your life in your power. Lay down the law, tell your family you ARE engaged (not getting engaged). If they dont like it, tough. If they react badly, take the attitude that mature questions may be asked of you when they cool down and are ready to behave rationally, and it will be when YOU are ready. Be in control girl, its your life, nobody elses.

zacseph

If you don't mind my asking, how old are you? Doyou love this man? Have they met him? Do they like him? Ultimately it doesn't matter what they think, but these are the things that will effect the reaction they should have...

MzFit

I'm 25, so is he.

It's not quite the same, but a similar idea I suppose. The difference being that no, they've never even met the man in question now. They have no idea of his character because in recent times I've basically cut my contact with my family back to a minimum to cut back on the associated stress. I have tried to get them to agree to meet him, but they're stalling for some reason.

My fiancé is a man who comes from a totally different culture than they do, and that scares my mother in particular, who's afraid of cultures she doesn't know or understand (as opposed to being racist). There is the possibility that they'll accuse him of just wanting a visa, when in fact the plan would be for us to leave Ireland and go back to his home country (Japan) for the infinitely better quality of life and greater opportunities we and the child will have there.

I would never ask for permission, though my fiancé seems to think that he should ask my father. That won't go well, my father won't be allowed to answer. My mother will tell him to fook off on his behalf. (He's totally cowed by her too). I suppose the natural thing might be to say "we're getting married" but that implies that the process can be halted, doesn't it? "We're engaged" is better.

Nobody will break up this relationship. This one is for keeps. I love him in a way I never thought possible, and he feels the same about me. He has this overwhelming sense of responsibility and even only a week and a day after we found out we were expecting, he's fussing over me like a clucking hen and not wanting me to eat remotely spicy foods or carry shopping bags "in case it harms the baby"! He's such a good man, though he has flaws of course. It's a case of opposites attracting, and complementing each other.

I will admit to being weak in willpower and resolution in many ways. I admit I allowed my mother to convince me of things in the past. I won't be letting that happen this time. I just would do anything to avoid the stress and tears of another screaming match, because even small stress is giving me abdominal cramps now and I can't risk my baby's wellbeing in that way.

syklops

This is maybe the only time I will advocate this, but here goes....

Text her. You said you are trying to cut ties, and if your moving to Japan, then thats a good way of doing it. Send her a brief text so she knows the story and let that be it. Dont bother going home, into her territory, and telling her and getting the abuse. A curt text with the info. If she rings you, answer. If she congratulates you, thank her. If she starts giving out, hang up.

As they say on the Compare the Meercat ad, simples. No stress, job done.

MzFit

We're not moving back to Japan until after the baby is born. Simple reason is that my Japanese won't be good enough to give proper pain relief instructions to the hospital staff on time for the delivery, even though I've been learning the language for a while now. Also, my being a citizen here does help in that I have more options for pre-natal care, and medical care isn't free in Japan.

But, as god-awful and rude as it will be to do it like that, I must say I see your point, syklops.

me_right_one

Did you ever meet his family? How did it go?

MzFit

Via Skype, yes I have met them, because they are all in Japan. It went well but I had a very limited understanding of what they were saying. They don't know about the "news" either but they are already grandparents and their reaction will be very laid-back. "Sokka..." ("Is that so...") is the reaction that we're expecting. No worries there.

zacseph

Ok, well fist off, congratulations!! On both counts!!
Personally, I would suggest meeting up with your mother only - either at her place, at yours, or gofer a walk somewhere public (but not too busy). Just tell her about the engagement to start with - if you mention the pregnancy too, she'll likely assume you're getting married cos u think u have to and she'll probably assume you're ruining your life.
Just tell her you have some really great news and then that you're engaged. If she reacts badly in any way, don't let a screaming match happen. Calmly explain that you're very happy and how you feel, and that that's all she should eve want for you. If she doesn't change her tune, tell her to give you a call when she's ready to and just leave.
Seems a bit brutal, but she needs to know you're an adult now and she can't control your decisions unless you ask for her help.
My own parents have been through a lot of "surprises" between my sister being pregnant, my coming out and my othe sister getting engaged (also to an Asian guy) - and they've accepted it all with a "whatever makes you happy" attitude... As I think any parent should.

January

Do the telling on your grounds. Do not go to your mothers house, invite her to yours for dinner or something. Tell her you are engaged and pregnant and very happy. If she goes apesh*t, tell her to leave your home. You are an adult and have made the right choices for yourself so far...

Or... text her like skylops said

lynski

Personally, i would get the earliest date i could from the local registrar, get married and then tell them. as you said you have been cutting back contact and as the daughter of a very manipulative, destructive mother i wish i had learned earlier how toxic she is and cut back contact earlier. we have lots of contact, but all surface stuff no details or anything important.
If you already know that she is a toxic influence in your life then you owe it to yourself, your fiancé and your child to protect yourself as much as possible from exposure. Look after yourself and do not worry about her. Get yourself a good councillor and talk it through, you may only need a few sessions to clear your head, but there is a lot of stuff that mothers put into their children and if it is not positive then the effects can be devastating.

We eloped because we wanted to get married and it was just about us, not about a wedding. Also avoided the problems associated with having 2 alcoholic fathers at a wedding.

zacseph

I dunno... she is your mother after all.
I think you owe her the respect of telling her where you are in your life, and allowing her the chance to be part of it. Also keep in mind she doesn't know the finacee yet so probably won't have much of an opinion of him at the moment.
Conversely though, she needs to respect your decision regardless of her feelings and respect herself enough to believe she raised you well enough to make your own decisions.
I do thing you should tell her, and in person if you can. But you have to be 100% beforehand on your feelings and that no one is going to change your mind.
If she does try to get to you in any way, as harsh as it sounds, just tell her to where to go and leave immediately... don't give her the chance to undermine your confidence.
You'll also be a better person and future mother for standing up to her, as it will limit her (or anyone) trying to intimidate you in the future...

Squiggler

I'm with Lynski on this one. If you have already broken off most contact with your mother, for very good reason from the sound of it, there is no reason why you should feel that she has to be given advance notice.

Mothers, particularly Irish mothers for some reason, can tend towards the interfereing and overbearing.

In your shoes I'd be inclined to get married, have the baby and then call her when I was in the airport on my way to Japan and say "Hi, just wanted to let you know that I'm just about to board a plane for Japan with my husband and your grandson/daughter. Bye!" And maybe give her an email address or something for her to contact you after she's finished picking herself up off the floor and put her head (sure to have exploded) back together.

Best of luck whatever you decide.

Neyite

firstly, congrats on your 2 bits of great news.

i would be inclined to text her if i were you to meet in a coffee shop or something - somewhere where she cant make a massive scene. and tell her about the engagement. if she kicks off, leave. you are pregnant, and stress should be avoided. hand your phone to your partner each time there is a ranty phone call, and leave the room.

if you are only a few weeks pregnant, then some women choose to keep the news private until the first scan, then tell family/friends after that. if you do it this way, after the first 10 weeks, then you will be too far along for her to manipulate you into termination- just tell her she is too late . why not enjoy it yourselves for a few weeks before all the inevitable (well-meaning and not so well-meaning) questions and comments?

MzFit

Thank you all for your input. Eloping and "Hi mum, we're just leaving for Japan now" phone calls from the airport are not possible as there are just too many loose ends to tie up and I will eventually be needing their help in the preparations to leave Ireland. I don't want to cut my family completely out of my life. I just want my mum to respect the boundaries of privacy and my rights of freedom of choice, which she generally has had to be forced to do because she's just one of these people who wants to know everything in minute detail. So I just stopped visiting (and am guilt-tripped now because I'm not there every week).

Anyway, I honestly do appreciate all your advice, mixed as it is. I guess I have some thinking to do. Will let you know.

bullpost

Why not meet up with your Dad first (just two of you) and explain everything. Have a follow on meeting but include your fiance. At this point he can get his opportunity to ask for your hand. Finally meet your mum.

pollypocket10

MzFit wrote: »

Thank you all for your input. Eloping and "Hi mum, we're just leaving for Japan now" phone calls from the airport are not possible as there are just too many loose ends to tie up and I will eventually be needing their help in the preparations to leave Ireland. I don't want to cut my family completely out of my life. I just want my mum to respect the boundaries of privacy and my rights of freedom of choice, which she generally has had to be forced to do because she's just one of these people who wants to know everything in minute detail. So I just stopped visiting (and am guilt-tripped now because I'm not there every week).

Anyway, I honestly do appreciate all your advice, mixed as it is. I guess I have some thinking to do. Will let you know.

Honestly I think it's time to cut the apron strings and stand up to your mother. Tell her the news and if she starts, tell her to stop the dramatics. You're not looking for approval you're just letting her know out of good will AND if she has a problem then she just has to deal with it because you don't want to know.