I feel sick to my stoumach

76219

Ok, I need help because im going insane here.
Here is my story. Have been going out with my girlfriend over a year and found out something I didnt want to today.
A bit of history:
So before I started going out with my girlfriend she had broken up with a guy. It had been a three year long relationship. After she broke up with that guy we started seeing each other. We werent going out but dating or whatever, nothing serious and both understood. About two weeks later I went home to visit my parents. I found out today that during that time she had slept with another guy. I know who the guy is and he has returned to Australia. She said that it was only a week long thing, that she only slpet with him once and that it is the biggest regreat of her life. I belive her but I am absoulutly sick with the idea of them having been together.

I really love my girlfriend, I know she loves me. We have been through a lot in the last two months (she miscarried) and are now living together. We were perfectly happy together untill today. We weren`t going out together, but I still feel awfull.

I also feel **** because I didnt find out in the best way. I had recently met one of her oldest friends for the first time (the friend lives in another part of the country). I knew the friend had emailed her saying nice things about me (she showed me the message) and I wanted to see what my gf wrote back. I know I shouldnt have been reading her messages, but I was doing it in a weird stalker bf way. I was honeslty just curious what she replied. I pressed the wrong button and saw a message from the Australian guy.

Awaiting replies

Ickle Magoo

You've said yourself that when she slept with the guy you weren't officially going out and the only reason you know is because you were nosing. If I were you I'd concentrate more on the insecurities you have that drove you to look at her messages because I'm not buying the "I just wanted to see what she wrote back & just happened to press the wrong button and just happened to land on the message from australia guy" line than anything your girlfriend has every right to do.

Draw a line under it and move on and apologise to your girlfriend for snooping and if you've made her feel bad or guilty. And don't snoop again, I'm amazed at how many threads here are generated by insecure people nosing around their partners private stuff and not liking what they find.

Chicago Chick

76219 wrote: »

We werent going out but dating or whatever, nothing serious and both understood.

This is a key point here, you were not serious at the time so I don't think you can judge your girlfriend too harshly on this. I don't think she did anything wrong. It sounds like you have been through a lot together lately (sorry to hear about your loss) and love each other from your post so to be honest I think if it is really upsetting you, talk it out and put it to rest.

Taltos

OP - this is not about her and what she got up to. It is all about you and your jealousy.

As you said you were not an item or in a committed relationship - so neither of you had ties to each other.

You really need to do your best to move past this and just accept that she has a history - even if that history happens to be a bit closer to you than you like. However... look at it this way - this bad experience for her - may have reinforced for her how much she liked you and could instead have pushed you both together... So let go of this jealousy and instead be grateful for just being together now.

Also - learn from this - no matter the excuse snooping is snooping - don't ever ever repeat it.... If necessary tell her to lock her phone/email whatever.

Now - go home and spoil her rotten for your behaviour and ensure that she knows how much you care and love her...

fungun

you were dating, its not nice but hardly a deal breaker.

More of a concern for me would be you said she was in email touch with the Australian guy....and obviously the content was enough for you to know they had slept together. What was the content like? Flirty? regretful? friendly?

Im ok with my partner being in touch with her exes but if they or her kept referring to their time together in a sexual fashion that would cross the line.

Wompa1

76219 wrote: »

Ok, I need help because im going insane here.
Here is my story. Have been going out with my girlfriend over a year and found out something I didnt want to today.
A bit of history:
So before I started going out with my girlfriend she had broken up with a guy. It had been a three year long relationship. After she broke up with that guy we started seeing each other. We werent going out but dating or whatever, nothing serious and both understood. About two weeks later I went home to visit my parents. I found out today that during that time she had slept with another guy. I know who the guy is and he has returned to Australia. She said that it was only a week long thing, that she only slpet with him once and that it is the biggest regreat of her life. I belive her but I am absoulutly sick with the idea of them having been together.

I really love my girlfriend, I know she loves me. We have been through a lot in the last two months (she miscarried) and are now living together. We were perfectly happy together untill today. We weren`t going out together, but I still feel awfull.

I also feel **** because I didnt find out in the best way. I had recently met one of her oldest friends for the first time (the friend lives in another part of the country). I knew the friend had emailed her saying nice things about me (she showed me the message) and I wanted to see what my gf wrote back. I know I shouldnt have been reading her messages, but I was doing it in a weird stalker bf way. I was honeslty just curious what she replied. I pressed the wrong button and saw a message from the Australian guy.

Awaiting replies

When was the e-mail from the Australian guy? She's still in contact with him!? screw that!

76219

No not in contact. The message was when we were dating but not going out yet.

sbsquarepants

Your now girlfriend slept with another bloke while she knew you but you weren't going out yet? I'm sorry but you'll have to point out to me what she's done wrong. On the other hand i can clearly see what you've done wrong!
My advice...stop snooping, it's immature, dishonest and usually counter productive as you've just learned!

Des Carter

Taltos wrote: »

OP - this is not about her and what she got up to. It is all about you and your jealousy.

As you said you were not an item or in a committed relationship - so neither of you had ties to each other.

You really need to do your best to move past this and just accept that she has a history - even if that history happens to be a bit closer to you than you like. However... look at it this way - this bad experience for her - may have reinforced for her how much she liked you and could instead have pushed you both together... So let go of this jealousy and instead be grateful for just being together now.

Also - learn from this - no matter the excuse snooping is snooping - don't ever ever repeat it.... If necessary tell her to lock her phone/email whatever.

Now - go home and spoil her rotten for your behaviour and ensure that she knows how much you care and love her...

-100,000,000.

I am actually in shock after reading this post. Are you being serious? first off its nothing to do with your jealousy. Lets face it everyone gets jealous but maybe there is a reason for that. i mean sure you werent serious but you were in the "getting to know" each other phase and you well got to know her and have found out that ye have a very different set of values. If you are starting a relationship (or considering it) then surely you would have the common decency to not sleep with other people.

As for this bringing ye closer together I never heard such rubbish in my life. Even though your relationship wasnt official she should have at least tried to restrain herself from jumping into bed with the first guy that tickled her fancy. Again nothing wrong with this but this is clearly not what your looking for in a relationship/partner and so should walk away as this has just placed doubt in your mind. I mean even if you forgive her/let this go are you ever going to 100% trust her? and without 100% trust a relationship will fail.

Finally Im going to get slated for this but I dont get this whole "snooping is the biggest sin ever" attitude. If you plan on starting a serious relationship with someone you deserve to know as much as you can about them (even if it includes snooping). i dont see the problem unless of course they have something to hide. I leave my phone lieing around and I dont care who looks through it as I have nothing to hide/to be ashamed of.

Now- go home and tell her you have thought about the relationship and feel that it will not work and find someone who will respect you at the same lvel as you respect them.

Squiggler

Des Carter wrote: »

I mean even if you forgive her/let this go are you ever going to 100% trust her? and without 100% trust a relationship will fail.

If you plan on starting a serious relationship with someone you deserve to know as much as you can about them (even if it includes snooping).

100% trust is not knowing everything about someone, not snooping or invading their privacy, and relying on them without proof. What you're describing is 'proven innocence' which has nothing to do with trust.

I was once engaged to a man who thought the way you do. His snooping, insecurity and petty jealousy killed my love for him, and our relationship. I was never unfaithful to him, never once considered it as I have too much respect for myself, but after 5 years of constantly having to prove my innocence I finally walked. Best decision I ever made.

OP, you have a few choices. You can let this go and put it behind you both, you can talk to your GF about it (which would mean confessing your accidental snooping but which might help clear the air) or you can decide that it is something you can't deal with and allow both of you to move on.

Taltos

Des Carter wrote: »

Are you being serious?

Yes.

Des Carter wrote: »

i mean sure you werent serious but you were in the "getting to know" each other phase and you well got to know her and have found out that ye have a very different set of values. If you are starting a relationship (or considering it) then surely you would have the common decency to not sleep with other people.

76219 wrote: »

So before I started going out with my girlfriend she had broken up with a guy. It had been a three year long relationship. After she broke up with that guy we started seeing each other. We werent going out but dating or whatever, nothing serious and both understood. About two weeks later I went home to visit my parents. I found out today that during that time she had slept with another guy.

As per the OP - 2 wks - this could be a relationship - however yet again - "nothing serious and both understood" - do you really expect her to live like a nun?
If they had a chat and set boundaries wonderful. But holding anyone else to your moral viewpoint without first expressing it is a bit naive.
Now saying that - I would be none too thrilled either but I would have to accept partial responsibility as well whether I wanted to or not.

Anyhoos - all up to the OP really here. We have given our views and hopefully he can see there are different ways of looking at things.

Zen65

76219 wrote: »

After she broke up with that guy we started seeing each other. We werent going out but dating or whatever, nothing serious and both understood. About two weeks later I went home to visit my parents. I found out today that during that time she had slept with another guy.

Maybe I've missed something, but your issue is that two weeks after you started "dating" (but not "going out") she slept with some guy?

Are you judging the relationship you had then from the position you're in now? Is that not wholly unfair, to both of you?

She had just finished a long-term relationship. She needed a "rebound" relationship. She chose not to sleep with you (maybe she knew even then you were likely to be another long-term thing?) but instead to sleep with some other guy.

It seems to me that you are revisiting history in a very immature way, and assuming that before you were a couple, she should have been faithful and exclusive to you?

I think you need to get an unbiased external perspective on this, from a counsellor or somebody you trust (but not somebody who knows you or your gf).

And to repeat the advice which previous posters have given you; stop snooping around her e-mails & texts. You can never have a happy relationship with so little trust from you.


Be at peace,


Z

Des Carter

Squiggler wrote: »

100% trust is not knowing everything about someone, not snooping or invading their privacy, and relying on them without proof. What you're describing is 'proven innocence' which has nothing to do with trust.

I was once engaged to a man who thought the way you do. His snooping, insecurity and petty jealousy killed my love for him, and our relationship. I was never unfaithful to him, never once considered it as I have too much respect for myself, but after 5 years of constantly having to prove my innocence I finally walked. Best decision I ever made.

OP, you have a few choices. You can let this go and put it behind you both, you can talk to your GF about it (which would mean confessing your accidental snooping but which might help clear the air) or you can decide that it is something you can't deal with and allow both of you to move on.

In your case the snooping occured 5 years into the relationship - which is ridiculous and down to his insecurities and jealousy. However snooping at the begining of a relationship is different as your looking for background information on the other person to gain a better understanding of who they are.

LighterGuy

Op, how old is this message with this aussie guy?
is she still in contact with him?

and yeah op. you have a right to feel hurt. lets all be honest. if we are all in a relationship for over a year and find out our partner slept with someone else early on, before it was official... it would hurt. its just human nature.

its not about being immature, not understanding... lets cut all the PC answers. This is one of those situations where its best left unknown... but its known now.

Op, its just up to you wheather you can look past it. You say you are living together now etc. So it sounds like you are in a serious relationship now.


My 2 cents would be if you werent living together etc, and only after 1 year i'd walk. Because if they were willing to sleep with someone else early on. I would naturally be thinking what about the first or second month of the relationship when it still was in the early stages. Were they cheating then too? thats me tho.

Des Carter

Taltos wrote: »

As per the OP - 2 wks - this could be a relationship - however yet again - "nothing serious and both understood" -

do you really expect her to live like a nun?
If they had a chat and set boundaries wonderful. But holding anyone else to your moral viewpoint without first expressing it is a bit naive.
Now saying that - I would be none too thrilled either but I would have to accept partial responsibility as well whether I wanted to or not.

Although you are correct here it is clear from reading between the lines that the OP was unhappy with the boundaries that were set (and possibly just didnt realise it) and he should be honest and ask himself if this is really something he can truly get over. If no then he needs to end it and be clearer and have more say on boundaries in the future.

LittleBook

In the process of furtively trying to read a private e-mail that your girlfriend sent to a friend of hers, you accidentally "pressed the wrong button" and managed to read an e-mail that she sent/received over a year ago?

I agree with Taltos that the issue here lies with you and possibly goes a long way towards explaining why you feel "sick to your stomach" that your now girlfriend slept with someone else before you were a couple.

Squiggler

Des Carter wrote: »

In your case the snooping occured 5 years into the relationship - which is ridiculous and down to his insecurities and jealousy. However snooping at the begining of a relationship is different as your looking for background information on the other person to gain a better understanding of who they are.

Actually, if you read my post again you will see that I said that it went on for the entire 5 years, gradually escalating and building on itself. But it started out with little things, like reading my diary.

The best way to get to understand who someone is is to let them open up to you by themselves, revealing themselves in a trusting relationship, not to stick them under a bright light for a session of Gestapo-style interrogation :rolleyes:

Anyway, this is about whether the OP can let go of this or not, because holding on to it AND the girl will not make for a healthy or happy relationship.

G-Money

If it was before you'd officially got together and while you's were in some sort of "not looking for anything serious/we can see other people" situation then I'm guessing you're just going to have to live with it.

Don't get me wrong, it's never nice to think of someone you like being with someone else, but in this case she didn't really technically do anything wrong.

I guess it just highlights the potential pit-falls when people say they "aren't looking for something serious" and then it turns out they want that after all, or have different definitions of what's acceptable in those situations.

Just live and learn from it OP.

All the best.

S23

I follow your meaning there grandmaster but it's not something he 'just has to live with'.

I do empathise. Now you shouldn't be snooping around e-mail accounts etc... but let's stick that to one side for a minute.

You were in the early stages of a relationship (very early) that ended up developing into something more serious. However, you were gone for a week way back then early in the piece and your OH jumped in the sack with some other lad.
I don't see how anyone can possibly not understand how you could find that hurtful. You weren't 'officially' seeing each other when it happend blah, blah, blah, so you should just get over it seems to be the consensus but I don't agree
You're hurting because as soon as you were gone away for a short while she was straight in the sack with some other bloke. Thats allowed and its understandable.

Whether or not you can get past that only you know. It's a real sickner I imagine and, as someone else has said, might cast doubt over other parts of the early stages of your relationship.

However, if you really want help and advice you might want to tell us the real story about how you found this out. Because you certainly didn't accidentally hit a combination of 'wrong buttons' and find out what you found out.

You either went trawling back a year into emails to find this out. Or maybe your man had been in contact with her recently and it was right there.

Theres a huge difference between the two. If you went trawling through old emails did you do it because you thought something was up?
If the mail was recent (and if it is then you might truly have chanced upon it) then why was he in contact with her a year later still talking about the time he f**ked her.

A lot of people on here seem to be having a go at you and telling you to get over it like it's just that simple. I'd reserve judgement until you're a bit more forthcoming about how and why you got this info

G-Money

To be honest, I'm not sure what I think about this anymore. While part of me thinks the OP can't really complain too much as they weren't officially together. At the same time they were kind of seeing each other and his back wasn't turned too long and she was into bed with someone else.

I know some people are pretty insistant about dating more than one person at the same time, until such times that they become serious or a couple with someone. While I guess that's ok, I don't really get why people can't just see how things go with one person before hooking up with someone else. Sometimes I think they reckon it's some sort of popularity contest that they've put themselves in but the reality is that no-one gives two f***s.

Each to their own I suppose. If I meet someone though, I prefer to get to know them and see how it goes, rather than heading off with someone else who appears on the scene and justifying it by saying "me and her are not a couple, I'm still free and single blah blah blah".

It's really up to you OP as to whether you can get past this. It's not nice that she hopped into bed with some other guy the second your back was turned, but then again if she wasn't officially in a couple, she could argue that her conscience was clear. Although it's natural that it makes you feel sick to your stomach.

Stu

Personally, if i was dating a girl and she slept with somebody else a few weeks into us dating, i'd lose respect for her and move on. For me, two people need to have the same morals and values if a relationship is really worth pursuing. If i'm dating a girl, i just wouldn't sleep with somebody else during the getting to know you period. I'd be trying to get to know the girl i'm dating and see if the chemistry is there.

But OP, you have been together a few months now so thats changes things slightly. If you have both developed strong feelings for each other and you can talk this through then the relationship should be ok but i'd say you'd want to have a frank conversation with her and find out if you are both on the same page regarding whats happened, whats now acceptable and if you both have the same values and trust each other.

LittleBook

S23 wrote: »

You either went trawling back a year into emails to find this out. Or maybe your man had been in contact with her recently and it was right there.

Theres a huge difference between the two. If you went trawling through old emails did you do it because you thought something was up?
If the mail was recent (and if it is then you might truly have chanced upon it) then why was he in contact with her a year later still talking about the time he f**ked her.

A lot of people on here seem to be having a go at you and telling you to get over it like it's just that simple. I'd reserve judgement until you're a bit more forthcoming about how and why you got this info

76219 wrote: »

Have been going out with my girlfriend over a year and found out something I didnt want to today.

I wanted to see what my gf wrote back ... I pressed the wrong button and saw a message from the Australian guy.

76219 wrote: »

No not in contact. The message was when we were dating but not going out yet

The girl played the field after the ending of a three-year relationship and then settled down with the OP. I agree it's difficult to handle the image/fact of your partner, the one you love, sleeping with someone else. But I really can't see what she did wrong here.

Wagon

Getting jealous and maybe a little bit sickened by it is normal because nobody wants to know their partner rode someone else right before they got together. Anyone who says otherwise is probably a robot.

On the other hand, she didn't do anything wrong though. You wearn't going out and she hasn't been in touch with him since.

It's your call. You'll get past it if you really want to but if you are starting to go off her, well you know what the answer is.

sbsquarepants

Look lets call a spade a spade, nobody "stumbles" across an email, a letter maybe, but an email no. He snooped and seen something he didn't like, now he needs to deal with it. His girfriend done nothing wrong, despite all the moralising here, she knew him 2 weeks, he says himself it was "nothing serious and both understood" Now it sounds to me like it was serious to him, even at that stage and if that was the case he should have been more honest with the girl back then (honesty is not his strong point it would appear) It is now wholly unfair of him to back date conditions that did not exist at the time, completely and totaly unfair.
OP, i feel for you, i really do although i know it may not sound like that right now. Your situation is this, you played it casual with this girl at the start, i emphasise played, you're lucky that it only backfired on you to the extent it did, she could have slept with 10 blokes while you were playing your "nothing serious" game, she could have fallen for one of them. Instead you caught a lucky break, she fell for you! This pain you're feeling now, you caused it yourself - you have no right to project it on to her, or to blame her for it in any way. Suck it up and get on with it, she didn't cheat on you with the ozzy any more than she cheated on you with the 3 year guy or her childhood sweetheart for that matter. You weren't a couple then and if you keep up the snooping and back dated morality you won't be one much longer either.
Take this as gospel - You are the one in the wrong here. 100%

S23

Sorry LittleBook I missed that first time around. So it looks as if the OP has done some serious digging to find this message. I know gmail stores all deleted and old mail but you'd still find it hard to dig out 1 specific email a year later nevermind 'hitting the wrong button' and finding it.

So OP went out of his way to dig it up. Why? Did he have reason to suspect something all of a sudden. It doesn't sound like it.
So to do it for no reason is just asking for trouble. Quite self destructive. If things are going fine then why the need to dig into year old email accounts.

Again, I still think (regardless of the whole 'it wasn't official' line be touted here) he has reason to feel gutted that she jumped into bed with someone else I'm afraid he brought this feeling (not her actions) on himself. You went digging for dirt for no apparent reason and when you accomplished your goal you inevitably ended up getting hurt by it.