He's been lying to me

kylith

OH and I had a bit of an arguement earlier so we sat down and talked tonight and decided that we should communicate more, and be more open. In the spirit of that he told me that when I told him I loved him a year ago he'd only said it back because he believed that his choices were either to lie to me or to split up, and that he didn't then, and doesn't now, want to split up. Oh, and he'd told me he'd had problems with girls saying it too soon in relationships in the past, and it had ruined everything and now I'd gone and done it again, and he hates himself, and I said it to him when he had recently had a friend die, so really it was emotional manipulation and ' really brought it on [myself]'.

I've been sitting here staring at the carpet for the last half hour. I have nothing to say to him and he has now gone into the other room to watch telly.

Of all the people I thought I could trust to be honest I'd have thought that he was #1. I'm not saying that the last year has been a lie, because we've always had fun together, but any thoughts I'd had for the future, settling down, kids, whatever, are destroyed. I'd not brought up the topic of the future with him, maybe somehow I knew it wouldn't be a good idea. I just can't believe he'd lie to me like that, and continue lying, about something more important.

I don't know what to do. Stupid fúcker that I am I do love him, and I don't want to end the relationship, but at the same time I don't want to be waiting years for him to say something that he might never say and where does that leave me? My thoughts of buying a home together? Of having children? I'm 28, so I'm not old, but I feel too old to wait years before throwing in the towel and trying to start again.

I feel broken, empty; but somehow calm too. Maybe it just hasn't sunk in yet. I've never been a big cryer and I don't seem to know how to start. I don't have many friends, and I don't have anyone to turn to now but ye, internet people. I feel betrayed.

I'm sorry for rambling.

astra2000

Hi kylith I am sorry to hear that especially given what you mentioned in your other post earlier today. Is it possible for you put this on the backboiler until you get friday over with. I am a bit shocked that your bf had not enough sense to realise that you have enough on your plate without dropping this on you now. Best of luck

IrishEyes19

OP, does he love you now? That's the question Id be asking, its understandable that a year ago when you said it, might have been too soon. But what about now?

jimmycrackcorm

OP, I think you haven't realized that being open means that you'll get both good and bad stuff. It appears he had the best and true intentions for you and I think you need to focus on how your relationship is now and not on a little white lie that was meant without harm.

Remember the next time you want openness - what it really means....

Darlughda

Sounds like you are shocked from the fight, and with that focusing on the worst things said, possibly out of context, especially if there is other stuff going on in your life like the first poster in response alluded to.

So, a year has passed since you first said the ~I love you~.

What has happened since, regardless of what was going on a year ago, surely, he and you have repeated this statement to each other?

I'm a quick one to fall in love, and understand a man who is reticent at replying at early times.

Nonetheless, its been a year since you said the words and a year of him acting like its the same game for him, so what is going on?

It is irrelevant at this stage, how he felt initially, or whatever life stuff he was going through, a year has passed, and now he is saying that he ain't sure??

kylith

Thanks for all your kind words folks. I've decided not to kick him out just yet, but to take some time and see how things go. Part of me, the part of me that wants to shake my friends when I see them being messed around by their partners, is screaming at me, however it's probably the best, most stable and most equal relationship I've ever been in.

Maybe I'm rationalising, but it could just be a problem with saying it. He certainly acts like he loves me.

Taltos

I think you are being really sensible about this OP.

For the longest time my OH refused to say this to me too. I used to get "Thanks" or the worst was "You're welcome..." - I mean WTF...

Don't do anything rash - esp with your appt on Friday.
Sometimes actions really do speak louder than words. If he acts like he loves you - and more importantly - you feel loved then it just comes down to inability to say the words or to recognize how he feels.

Take however long you want or need to figure out what you need from him and have that talk. i.e. If kids and a family are important then you both need to discuss to ensure you are on the same page about this...

Best of luck - not only with your relationship but also with Friday.

(I did see a description above or in the other post that made me smile - "muppet" - very apt)