Mother and wedding

LegacyUser

I've just gotten engaged, I'm over the moon but my mother is ruining things. I am a very laid back bride to be, before we got engaged my fiance and I discussed marriage and decided on a civil service (we are not religious) and a local venue, inviting about 100-120.

From the time I told my mother to get engaged she has sneered (there is no other word for it) at ALL the plans. She has just told me people might not bother going to the civil service part as its not the same a church service (her exact words) and is saying that she'll have to deal with various relatives who'll be put out at not being invited (ie cousins I barely know and don't want there). She tops this off by saying that of course its not her wedding and to suit ourselves, but she is still being very hurtful. Also, we're paying for everything ourselves so she should really be keeping her negative comments to herself.

I am getting so annoyed with her, every time I speak to her I end up defending our choices. I have told her straight out if she doesn't like our plans, I won't be sharing them with her and she'll find out all the details when she receives her invite, but this leads to her "laughing off" the criticism and telling me not to be so dramatic. On the plus side, my fiance's family have been extremely good to us, are very supportive of the plans and are full of good wishes.

How can I deal with my mother?

Taltos

Hi OP.

There are a few things you can try - though they might not work.

1. Avoidance - just stop talking to her about it. However this can cause the other person to escalate their criticisms or hold it in until they vent and all hell can break loose.

2. Aggression - each time she snipes you go on the attack to defend your position. I find this feeds into the other person's view that they are important and that you need to hear what they are saying.

3. Defense - pretty much what you are doing - similar to aggression - with similar results - both are usually the same - all depends on your tone.

The best method I have for dealing with this is one I used on my father-in-law who has the opinion that I am not married to his daughter as it was never in a church.
Let what they say roll over you, laugh and show that as much as they try - and they will - their opinion counts for nothing, however - you have to draw the line on personal attacks...
My F-I-L pushed and pushed until I finally sat him down and told him that his opinion was no longer welcome and that either he apologise to his daughter or he leave our house (he was just visiting) - of course he refused and I physically "escorted" him out... You have to follow through.

So next time she starts.
Just say - "Mom, you know I love you - but your constant comments are starting to impact my joy at my coming wedding. Please understand I am not being rude but right now I just need to focus on what is coming up." - Then whenever she tries to steer the conversation back - just politely but firmly respond - "It is in hand" or "I am not prepared to talk about that right now". Do NOT get sidelined or drawn into discussions. Lets face it - NOTHING you do will make her happy. Even the POPE marrying you would cause some issue...

Just focus on your day and try not to let NOISES like your mum distract you.
Share how you feel with your partner - their role in supporting you is crucial.

LegacyUser

Thanks Taltos.
TBH I am really hurt that my mum is acting this way because for a long time she'd ask me if there was any sign of us getting married and how it would be a lovely day for all of us. I have had this on my mind all weekend and I think she is being manipulative, hoping to bully me into the traditional thing of a white wedding with all the relatives and a hotel, ie the same as the children of her friends have had.
I was REALLY upset today with her comments that some people might not bother going to our marriage ceremony as its "only a civil ceremony". I don't know if she was trying to help or if she's worried for us or if she's being emotionally manipulative. Also, when I told her of the plans she said she thought we would get married abroad, I never ever said I'd like a wedding like that.
I'm kind of getting it off my chest here, I've just remembered she also made fun of my ring (we chose a non-diamond ring) and how my fiance proposed, when I told her the story she laughed, saying how funny it was-it was an important and romantic experiance for me which she made fun of.

After reading over this I've tears in my eyes. I think I'll opt out of telling her any further details unless she asks a specific question. I am just happy my inlaws (who until now I could take or leave) are so happy and helpful.

Taltos

Remember - you will always find someone who is out even unintentionally to ruin your day.

You have to focus on just blocking them out as noise.

Be aware though - making a sudden shift from sharing everything to sharing nothing - may prompt her to interfere or bug you even more. Think seriously about just having a simple chat with her - i.e. let her know how hurt you have been by her comments - don't make it personal - she will just defend otherwise - but just reinforce that no matter her intention you are feeling hurt.

You are right though - this smacks of manipulation - her way or else...
Stay strong - soon you will be married and will have the rest of your life with your soon to be hubbie.

Next time you get comments like this - don't focus on what was said - just repeat in your head "sure they are only jealous" - and let what they said fade away... Doubtless she will escalate - but it is all about how YOU and your FIANCE feel - NO-ONE else.

Best of luck and congratulations, you should be excited right now - so forget about that crap and focus on the good stuff instead

Nevyn

Sounds like what you are planning is not living up to her expectation of what a wedding should be. Her expectation, her issue, her problem. Tell her if she is disapointed or embrassed by how you are getting married then she doens't have to attend and that you will tell people that is why she is not there.

Sounds more like she is worried about what people will say about your plans and she will have to listen to them and her cronies going on about how non traditional they are.
Frankly too bad, tough is what I would be saying to her.

You know what you want, you are strong minded enough that you and your partner are doing what you want, seems your mother is not as strong as you are.
Honestly I would be pitying her that she can't share in your happiness and is being so bitter.

Tell her if she wants a big event of a day she can go renew her vows with her husband in a church and have a knees up for family any way she wants, but that you are getting married your way, and she doesn't have to like it and you dont' have to discuss it with her.

I bet she has no experience of a civil wedding and has no idea of how well attended and moving they are.

astra2000

Hi op congrats on your engagement!
Try not to let your mothers negativity spoil your anticipation of your big day. She probably does not even realise how insensitive she is been and it sounds like if you tried to let her know how hurtful she is been she would dismiss it.
I presume your mother has never been to a civil ceremony before and that you will be the first in her family to get married this way. She is of an older generation and this is new for her and she is probably worried what people will think, just because what others do or do not think is not a cause of concern to you (rightly so) dont underestimate how big a problem this may seem to her. I am not for one minute saying she is right in behaving this way but just trying to get you to see that she is of a different generation and appears to have different expectations. How do you get along with your mam besides if you have an otherwise good relationship with her I would urge you to handle things carefully. Dont continue justifying your decisions tell her whats happening and if she pours scorn on your plans let her know calmly that you and your fiancee are very happy with your plans and wont be changing them.
Is there anyone in your family who could speak with her and get her to get on board? Have you considered asking for her imput on small things ie. flowers cake invites maybe if she is involved she may be less critical.
Best of luck

Leitrim lass

Hi OP,
I had to reply to this thread as I had such a similar experience with my own mother.
My husband and I went abroad to get married by civil service on our own without family or friends.
Like your mother, my mother made hints about us not using a priest. She kept saying things like how I would need to get in touch with the priests in parishes I had lived in abroad because I would need those details to get married. I kept telling her I would not need this as it was a civil service. Then she started on how my father didn't approve as if she was only passing on HIS disapproval and not her own. She has always done this as she is a classic passive aggressive manipulator.
I also got really irritating jokey type hints from other family members saying how I was going to go to hell as I was getting married outside the church. The total hypocrisy of this is that this family member got married in a church afterwards although he NEVER goes to church, but that was my mother spreading the poison throughout the family.
Like with your engagement, she said that she didn't believe me at first as she thought I had gotten the ring in a lucky bag and that I was playing a practical joke. She then said that she was surprised that I had gotten engaged as she thought that I was the type of person who would have to be '100% sure' before I would do such a thing, again planting seeds of doubt in my head and wanting me to question my decision. Very hurtful and very disappointing.

Anyway we went ahead and got married. 6 weeks after we got back we organised a small family celebratory dinner in a restaurant for 15 people, basically the family who could make it and a couple of close friends.
Looking back my parents and especially my mother were fuming as it wasn't showy enough. My mother blatantly ignored my new parents in laws, even though they were staying in her house. It was again so disappointing and so embarrassing.
Sorry to ramble on, but basically I have very little to do with my parents these days as 3 months after our wedding she started to completely ignore my husband at a family event and later denied it. My father took her side and it was then that I realised how utterly raging they were that I went abroad to get married without them and a priest.
Your mother sounds exactly like mine, dropping hints and then laughing it off when confronted. She also cares more about what the neighbours think and how you reflect on her rather than your happiness and what's important to you. She also seems to think that you can be easily manipulated and weak because you are laid back and don't like a fuss, and probably also because you are not forcibly putting your foot down with her.
She is behaving like a naughty 2 year old child, who will keep doing what she is doing until she is told sternly and clearly that she can not continue this behaviour.
I would not ignore her behaviour, simply because (as the naughty 2 year old) she will use this behaviour again in the future whether it's to do with you having or not having children, having them christened or not, house buying or building, careers, etc
You need to start your married life as you mean to go on. She needs to know and understand that she has no place interfering in your and your husbands decisions in life.
Tell her how disappointed you are that she is making this all about her and that she is completely ignoring the fact that this is your day and not hers. Do a Bridezilla on it if you have to.
Put the guilt trip on her. Tell her that you don't want to look back on your wedding as upsetting and disappointing as your mother took the goodness out of it with her negativity and selfishness.
Turn the guilt tripping on her and if she does her sneering laugh tell her she is a disappointment. Treat her like the child she is behaving like.
I know that a previous poster said that she is from a different generation and all that, but while I agree with this it makes no excuse for her hurtful behaviour.
Enjoy your wedding OP. Remember that what's important that day is the promises you and your new husband make to each other. It's the start to your new life together. Remember that whenever you feel your mother getting to you.

dan_d

OP, I have a friend who got married last year and he said that the one thing he thought was the worst part of the whole affair was other people's expectations.
Everyone has an idea of how your day should be. It's your day. Your mother is a guest, and that's it.
Everyone has posted excellent ways here to deal with this. She is of a different generation, which is fair enough, but that doesn't mean she's entitled to foist her ideal wedding on to you.
Personally, I'd be sitting down with her and saying that you and your fiancee are planning your wedding and one of the options you're considering is going abroad and getting married in another country with just your best man/bridesmaids/2/3 friends as witnesses, because you can't cope anymore with all the remarks being thrown at you. Make it clear you are genuinely considering this as an option, because you feel that she is trying to force you into something you don't want, and it's your day at the end of it. Tell her if she continues as she is, she won't be getting any more information about it, as she apparently has nothing good to say. (the old saying...if you've nothing nice to say, say nothing at all) She's either there on your terms, or she's not there at all.

By the way I was at a civil ceremony a month ago abroad.It was abroad.It was not in a church. It was one of the most beautiful ceremonies I've ever seen.Equally last year I was at a wedding abroad. In a church. It was amazing.

She has to understand that the world has changed. And most importantly that its your day.

LegacyUser

Leitrim lass wrote: »

Hi OP,
I had to reply to this thread as I had such a similar experience with my own mother.
My husband and I went abroad to get married by civil service on our own without family or friends.
Like your mother, my mother made hints about us not using a priest. She kept saying things like how I would need to get in touch with the priests in parishes I had lived in abroad because I would need those details to get married. I kept telling her I would not need this as it was a civil service. Then she started on how my father didn't approve as if she was only passing on HIS disapproval and not her own. She has always done this as she is a classic passive aggressive manipulator.
I also got really irritating jokey type hints from other family members saying how I was going to go to hell as I was getting married outside the church. The total hypocrisy of this is that this family member got married in a church afterwards although he NEVER goes to church, but that was my mother spreading the poison throughout the family.
Like with your engagement, she said that she didn't believe me at first as she thought I had gotten the ring in a lucky bag and that I was playing a practical joke. She then said that she was surprised that I had gotten engaged as she thought that I was the type of person who would have to be '100% sure' before I would do such a thing, again planting seeds of doubt in my head and wanting me to question my decision. Very hurtful and very disappointing.

Anyway we went ahead and got married. 6 weeks after we got back we organised a small family celebratory dinner in a restaurant for 15 people, basically the family who could make it and a couple of close friends.
Looking back my parents and especially my mother were fuming as it wasn't showy enough. My mother blatantly ignored my new parents in laws, even though they were staying in her house. It was again so disappointing and so embarrassing.
Sorry to ramble on, but basically I have very little to do with my parents these days as 3 months after our wedding she started to completely ignore my husband at a family event and later denied it. My father took her side and it was then that I realised how utterly raging they were that I went abroad to get married without them and a priest.
Your mother sounds exactly like mine, dropping hints and then laughing it off when confronted. She also cares more about what the neighbours think and how you reflect on her rather than your happiness and what's important to you. She also seems to think that you can be easily manipulated and weak because you are laid back and don't like a fuss, and probably also because you are not forcibly putting your foot down with her.
She is behaving like a naughty 2 year old child, who will keep doing what she is doing until she is told sternly and clearly that she can not continue this behaviour.
I would not ignore her behaviour, simply because (as the naughty 2 year old) she will use this behaviour again in the future whether it's to do with you having or not having children, having them christened or not, house buying or building, careers, etc
You need to start your married life as you mean to go on. She needs to know and understand that she has no place interfering in your and your husbands decisions in life.
Tell her how disappointed you are that she is making this all about her and that she is completely ignoring the fact that this is your day and not hers. Do a Bridezilla on it if you have to.
Put the guilt trip on her. Tell her that you don't want to look back on your wedding as upsetting and disappointing as your mother took the goodness out of it with her negativity and selfishness.
Turn the guilt tripping on her and if she does her sneering laugh tell her she is a disappointment. Treat her like the child she is behaving like.
I know that a previous poster said that she is from a different generation and all that, but while I agree with this it makes no excuse for her hurtful behaviour.
Enjoy your wedding OP. Remember that what's important that day is the promises you and your new husband make to each other. It's the start to your new life together. Remember that whenever you feel your mother getting to you.

This sounds very like my mother too! She wouldn't darken the door of a church but she seems to think it's nicer having a church wedding and people will be sure to attend as its the done thing-never mind that my fiance is an atheist and I've done countmeout.
She constantly "excuses" her comments by saying "Of course its not my wedding" but her comments are still hurtful and insensitive. I wouldn't mind but when she and my dad got married they suited themselves 100%, but as another poster said I am "different" from other friends of hers' children who all dutifully marched up the aisle of the local church even though they don't believe any of it.
Her latest "thing" is concern about how relatives might not come because they have children (ageing from 8-17) who won't be invited. I said, fair enough, as long as they let me know I don't mind, it means more friends can attend. I told her as we'll be putting our number/email on the invite they won't need to contact her, but she's saying it'll be hassle.

I've actually not asked her to come dress shopping as I know her "helpful" comments will ruin the experiance, I'm asking my sister (who is BM) and a couple of good friends. If she gets sniffy I'm going to say that I thought she would not be bothered so I didn't want to trouble her.

This experiance has shown me something I've suspected for a long, long time-my mother can be very manipulative, using my father's alleged upset to get her own way sometimes, and not used to being the decision maker. I think I'm standing up to her for the first time in my life and she just doesn't know what to do with a daughter who challenges her.

Taltos

newfiance wrote: »

She constantly "excuses" her comments by saying "Of course its not my wedding"

Smile sweetly - "thanks mum - you are spot on - it is not your wedding" and move to another subject....

newfiance wrote: »

I've actually not asked her to come dress shopping as I know her "helpful" comments will ruin the experiance, I'm asking my sister (who is BM) and a couple of good friends. If she gets sniffy I'm going to say that I thought she would not be bothered so I didn't want to trouble her.

Suggest not saying you don't want to trouble her - just say you needed those directly involved to participate. Or change the subject.

Don't let her away with her childish behaviour - make it clear you will NOT accept it - calmly, politely etc - but it is your marriage and it is going to happen the way you and your fiance want....

Best of luck - gotta love those Irish mothers....

Squiggler

OP wedding planning is stressful enough without having to deal with any extra hassle.

Only you know your Mum, but her attitude sounds terrible. Maybe you shouldn't tell her anything about the wedding plans. Bypassing her and inviting her as a guest of honor might be the wisest course of action. You're paying for the wedding, not her, and you only get to do this once (hopefully) so do it the way that you will be happiest and don't let anyone get you down.

My sister had a terrible time, between our Mum and her MIL she was fit to tear her hair out, and then my Aunt and Grandmother chimed in with their two cents worth. I sometimes think that weddings bring out the very worst in people.

When it came to my turn I made all the plans, told Mum and Granny the bits they needed to know (when and where it would be, dress code etc) and nothing more. We took care of the invitations etc ourselves. My father was one of our witnessess (my husband chose him for his best man) and my Mum had nothing to worry about other than turning up on the day looking her best.

Interfering Aunt decided to make trouble a week before the wedding and I politely informed her that as she wouldn't be at the wedding (we only invited immediate family and close friends) so she would be spared any embarrassment she might feel at our "unconventional" plans. Because we had a such a small group my young nieces and nephews were able to join us.

We all had a lovely day and have absolutely no regrets.

Lemming

dan_d wrote: »

... Other people's expectations.

Everyone has an idea of how your day should be. It's your day. Your mother is a guest, and that's it.

A family member of mine got married earlier this year, and the mother in law basically wanted HER big day out when you cut through all the arguments and pressure being applied.

There's been some good suggestions imparted already so not much else I can add, other then to say it's your special day; not your mother's (or that of anybody else feeling the need to stick their oar in) Remember that!

Leitrim lass

newfiance wrote: »

This experiance has shown me something I've suspected for a long, long time-my mother can be very manipulative, using my father's alleged upset to get her own way sometimes, and not used to being the decision maker. I think I'm standing up to her for the first time in my life and she just doesn't know what to do with a daughter who challenges her.

I too buried my head in the sand for long enough about my mothers manipulative nature. I would suggest that if you are going to confront your mother about her behaviour or even thinking about doing so, do it sooner rather than later. I say this because she will probably hit the roof when challenged and it could cause a lot of upset, so better have it out of the way well before the wedding. This way, by the time your wedding comes your mother will be used to your new healthier relationship(with boundaries) and will know that trying to upset you or pulling a wobbly won't be tolerated. That way your wedding day is about you and your husband.
My mother started to exaggerate illness to take the attention of her bad behaviour after all her trouble causing. Again, classic signs of the passive aggressive manipulator.
'Toxic Parents' by susan Forward is well worth reading if you don't mind me suggesting it. It certainly helped me understand a lot of things about myself and has helped me see my mother with clarity.
All the best with your wedding

Neyite

i know of someone who opted for a small family do abroad, but an aunt (who was'nt invited) said a medium told her that the brides dead dad told her that he was very dissapointed in his daughter not getting married at home. luckily the bride knew her dad would have been the first on the plane, and laughed it off!

dont tell her a thing from now on, and if she asks, tell her why - she has laughed at every single thing you have told her so far, and you are dissapointed in her hurtful behaviour, and that you dont even know if you want her at the wedding if she continues to be so unsupportive.

good luck

Beruthiel

Taltos wrote: »

So next time she starts.
Just say - "Mom, you know I love you - but your constant comments are starting to impact my joy at my coming wedding. Please understand I am not being rude but right now I just need to focus on what is coming up." - Then whenever she tries to steer the conversation back - just politely but firmly respond - "It is in hand" or "I am not prepared to talk about that right now". Do NOT get sidelined or drawn into discussions.

Perfect advice and I urge you to take it OP.
Smile sweetly and tell her it's a surprise.

Remind yourself, this day is about you and your hubby to be. It will be the type of day you want it to be. Not what your mother wants.
What others might think about it is not something you need concern yourself with.
At the end of the day, the people who care about you will turn up and have a ball regardless.