Am I being unreasonable?

kylith

In July I was given an appointment for a medium serious doctor's appointment on October 1st. Since it's kind of serious I slightly panicked, and my OH said he'd come with me; in fact he insisted. Not wanting to seem nagging about it (and terrified to think of it, tbh) I didn't really talk about it beyond saying things like "I can bring it to the mechanic after my doctor's appointment on the 1st" or "At least I've taken the day off for that doctor's appointment".

When I said it to him this morning about him having Friday off he said I should have reminded him, he'd never booked it off, he's going to have trouble getting cover in work etc.

I'd assumed that he'd have booked the day off as soon as he said he'd go with me, or at the very least have put it in his diary. This is a man who knows the air dates of all his tv shows for the next 6 months, so I didn't think that remembering his girlfriend's doctor's appointment would have been beyond his capabilities.

He says I'm being unfair. Am I?

Sanjuro

Well, to be honest, if I say I'm gonna do something for someone, I'll do it. If it's something as potentially big and scary as a doctor's appointment, I'll tackle it head-on and deal with it. And if it's for my OH, it'd be twice as important. I don't think you're being unreasonable about this situation. It's pretty clear it was an issue for you and if your BF said he'd make the effort, he should have followed-through. But is it worth making an issue out of it, or is it something you can deal with despite the disappointment and being let-down? If it's going to really bug you, by all means make it clear. Relationships only work with honesty.

astra2000

I dont blame you for been upset, but I can understand a little bit how it slipped your bfs mind. I am not saying that its excusable for him to forget but the fact that you were down playing the appointment a little bit probably made it easier to forget. I am probably going to get slated for saying this but in my experience this kind of thing is common in men they need to be reminded and need to be told how important something is to you, it wont just dawn on them without been told. He offered to come with you which shows he does care and I doubt he will forget something like this again.
Is there any chance he can get a few hours off even to attend or failing that have you someone else to attend. Try not to make a big deal about this you have enough on your mind without stressing yourself further. I hope everything works out fine regarding your appointment.

kylith

Thanks folk. Glad to know I'm not hugely overreacting. I guess I thought that he'd know it was important when he found me in floods of tears over the doctor's letter.

I don't know what to do now. Part of me is tempted to tell him to forget about it, but I'm terrified of going alone.

muboop1

Just be honest.

"Honey, I am terrified to go to this alone. If at all possible can you come with me."

He will move mountains to make it possible...

kylith

So we sat down and talked tonight and decided that we should communicate more, and be more open. In the spirit of that he told me that when I told him I loved him a year ago he'd only said it back because he believed that his choices were either to lie to me or to split up, and that he didn't then, and doesn't now, want to split up. Oh, and he'd told me he'd had problems with girls saying it too soon in relationships in the past, and it had ruined everything and now I'd gone and done it again, and he hates himself, and I said it to him when he had recently had a friend die, so really it was emotional manipulation and ' really brought it on [myself]'.

I've been sitting here staring at the carpet for the last half hour. I have nothing to say to him and he has now gone into the other room to watch telly.

Of all the people I thought I could trust to be honest I'd have thought that he was #1. I'm not saying that the last year has been a lie, because we've always had fun together, but any thoughts I'd had for the future, settling down, kids, whatever, are destroyed. I'd not brought up the topic of the future with him, maybe somehow I knew it wouldn't be a good idea. I just can't believe he'd lie to me like that, and continue lying, about something more important.

I don't know what to do. Stupid fúcker that I am I do love him, and I don't want to end the relationship, but at the same time I don't want to be waiting years for him to say something that he might never say and where does that leave me? My thoughts of buying a home together? Of having children? I'm 28, so I'm not old, but I feel too old to wait years before throwing in the towel and trying to start again.

I feel broken, empty; but somehow calm too. Maybe it just hasn't sunk in yet. I've never been a big cryer and I don't seem to know how to start. I don't have many friends, and I don't have anyone to turn to now but ye, internet people. I feel betrayed.

I'm sorry for rambling.

axel rose

Honey, please go to your friends or family. Open a bottle of wine and have a chat about this. You do not need to be on your own right now.

You can do better than this guy. You may not realise it now, but no man is better than any man.

coolcat63

What a ****ty thing to say to you - especially with your appointment looming (which I bet he remembered, btw). And piling on the pressure to tell you he 'hates himself' - well, I would tell him you can completely understand why! For now concentrate on your own issues and leave him to his selfish little ego-bubble.

up for anything

He is a complete muppet. He is hedging his bets and hanging onto to you until he feels the coup de foudre. I'm not surprised you feel betrayed. You have been. He has been living a lie for a year now and yet you are the one that is devastated and he can watch TV!

If your appointment is somewhere in the South East, I can make myself available to go with you if you have no one else you care to take along. PM me.

Sanjuro

Wow, that really is a terrible thing to say to you. Unfortunately it shows a deep-seeded selfishness on your boyfriend's part. I myself dated somebody who was an emotional bully and said something similar to me while we were dating. I knew then there was only one place that relationship was headed.

Be a bit selfish yourself right now. I dunno if trying to rationalise with your boyfriend again will help the situation. You know him better than the rest of us. But if you think the relationship could work, then give it some time and try again. Otherwise, I think you know where this will go. But take some time for yourself. And I really hope you have a family member or a friend who'll accompany you to the doctor's. It'll certainly help you to have somebody to lean on at that time. Best of luck!

kylith

Thanks for all your kind words folks. I've decided not to kick him out just yet, but to take some time and see how things go. Part of me, the part of me that wants to shake my friends when I see them being messed around by their partners, is screaming at me, however it's probably the best, most stable and most equal relationship I've ever been in.

Maybe I'm rationalising, but it could just be a problem with saying it. He certainly acts like he loves me.

Motley Crue

From a personal standpoint, if it was me, I'd of remembered and taken the day off. I don't have a diary, and I should get one, but procrastination has always been one of my downfalls....in any case, I would have made sure to have the day off for the appointment if that was the case.

I hope everything went, or goes, well?

CathyMoran

My then fiancee now husband could not be there for a very important doctors meeting as he had just arrived back in the country after his brother's wedding and could not take time off - my brother was with me instead but I know that he was there with me in spirit and was in pieces over not being there...I am sure that your boyfriend is very worried about you but at least now you are fussing over him not being there which is less stressful than worrying about the appointment in question - am I making any sense? I do wish you all the best with the appointment...make sure that you have a list of questions before hand.