I regret coming out

LegacyUser

Hi everyone.
So I finally done I came out to everyone. Thing is I think I regret it. Before coming out I had mainly male friends and a great family. Telling the first few people wAs v scary. But got a good response generally. I'm 28.
Thing is, I think I regret it now.
Having embraced the gay scene I feel the gays really do live up to the stereotypes perceived of them-lying cheats and generally promiscuous. Was I really that naive and innocent to think that once I come out I would eventually meet mr perfect? I have met some fantastic guys but I've had my heart broken so badly because of the wham bam thank you mam mentality of most of these lads
Also my relationship with my parents has changed as well as my mates. Im actually more lonely now and not the happy I thought I would be after I came out.


Grrr I wish I wasn't gay I reAlly do, you see my downfall is that I'm too nice of a fella and need to be more guarded around other men so as not to get let down again.

Am I over reacting?does it get better?AM I HOMOPHOBIC as well as being gay?

Dissappointed.

Nevyn

Did you think it would be easier for you to find the person of your dreams?
There are plenty of people who are also looking for the person of thier dreams and have been let down by people who are straight. That doesn't change just becuase you are gay.
The scene is often no different then being out clubbing when you are a straight and it is often not how to find someone to have a long term romantic relationship with.

Coming out will often have an an adjustment period afterwards, a lot of people seem to think their life will change radically and it will be the magic want to make them happy in thier life. It's not and when the rush is over it is the same you, same life and you still have to work at it.

LegacyUser

Hey thanks for your response. I didn't necessarily think I'd come out of the closet and stroll into some happy relationship. But I also didn't realise the degree of promiscuity there was out there. Look I'm no angel myself or am not trying to take the higher moral ground either but I guess I need to give it a few more months. And maybe someone likeminded will come along.

In some ways i did find relationships withwomen more fulfilling but am I already forgetting how miserable I was too before coming out....
I am trying to be positive and mAybe I'm just going through some kind of 'gay adolescence'that I never had before and all these opportunities Are presenting themselves as well and these guys see that.

azezil

I find you get back what you put out. If you come across / behave as though you're only interested in sex, that's all you'll attract. If you really want to meet a guy to settle down with, the scene is probably not the best place to look. Try some gay interest groups / clubs / societies. At least then you'll find someone with a common interest.

Chuchoter

You should try one of these First Out groups that Outhouse runs. You're at a bad age for coming out really (lol thats helpful) but you don't have a college to meet people at or anything. Personally I also regret coming out when I did (16) because it caused huge problems with my family and also with my straight friends. It did make me a lot more lonely. Also I've a feeling if you dress very....I don't know stereotypically? Thats the kind of guy you're going to find. Like girls who go out with no clothes on only get horrible guys. My impression of guys I know on the scene is pretty crap, so I think its just the nature of the beast, if you're half way normal you're not going to find anyone there.

Eebs

Connor the scene is a load of rubbish...
but so is the straight scene. Honestly. Think of the G like Coppers. You'll find not just a boyfriend but other people you really REALLY click with as you go on in life. Don't stress about it. Ultimately, you're gay. We deal with the cards we're dealt with. If you act like it's a problem it will honestly just add to it. If you be confident and own it things will be better because people who are unsure will take that que from you. They're more likely to treat you normally if you act more confidant about it.

Relationships, romantic and otherwise are complicated things but to be honest, I let gender really really influence that for too long and at the end of the day, to most people who are cool - it's pretty insignificant.

I don't think this is you being homophobic, or wrong - just a bit insecure maybe? and that's normal.

Gay people are just like straight people - totally different.

LegacyUser

Hey that is really good advice-thank you.

To be honest I think I may have some insecurities not sure what they are. Or rather I don't think I could pin point them. I mean the rest if my life is grand just this part. Think the fact that a lot of the people I grew up with seem to be settling down etc.

Also yeah I was late coming out but I had to come out to myself first and that took a while!brought up in a v catholic environment and had major internal conflict over this. I am lucky that I have a good friend who is also gay(and in long term relationship)

But seriously where does one go to meet other gay men my age apart from the bars?? I think I think I need to make a few gay friends first before even beginning to look for a bf. I mean I am a fairly sociable lad but more often than not I'm still headin to straight clubs at the weekends with my mates etc. It's gettin frustrating I guess

Anyway things can only get better and cheers for the input

Annasopra

Conor101 wrote: »

But seriously where does one go to meet other gay men my age apart from the bars??

there's lots of different groups; sports groups such as soccer, rugby, rowing, tennis, swimming, squash, hiking, Kayaking, orienteering, interest groups such as book clubs, trekkie (I think it still exists), music, dining out, then perhaps volunteering e.g. With outhouse or johnny or pride, then the forums such as gaire.com and Queerid.com can be friendly enough and meet regularly - what sort of stuff interests you?

I would also recommend contacting GMHS about their personal development courses

AckwelFoley

Id imagine that you need to wait and let the dust settle, the aftermath of thelling people will take time for people to adjust.

Eebs was right, the night scene, regardless of sexual orientation is full of sh1t, shapers and asrseholes, you are unlikely to find someone decent there.


..and one other thing, those people you refer to as "friends" were never friends, they were shallow immature dickheads.

Friends, real ones, dont change over something like this and turn their back on you... you were just unfortunate to have such shallow ones.

Now that you are out the friends you do make will be more genuine because they will know you better and wont have a problem with your sexuality.

Louisevb

Relationships are like buses....none for a while then three at once come along. Taking that further.. some buses are new and shinny and some are crock heaps.
Relationships are the same....you need to go through the terrible ones before finding the right ones.. Gay relationships and straight relationships are no different in the relationship interaction sense. I find Irish men for the most part think with what's between their legs more than what's between their ears... It's all about themselves and it's probably no different from what you say in gay relationships..There is not a woman in Ireland that doesn't know where you are coming from... We have all been there.
You will meet someone when you least expect it and when you stop looking so hard. Be yourself...you cannot be anything else.. be true to yourself.
Good Luck

oisindoyle

Conor101 wrote: »

Hey that is really good advice-thank you.

To be honest I think I may have some insecurities not sure what they are. Or rather I don't think I could pin point them. I mean the rest if my life is grand just this part. Think the fact that a lot of the people I grew up with seem to be settling down etc.

Also yeah I was late coming out but I had to come out to myself first and that took a while!brought up in a v catholic environment and had major internal conflict over this. I am lucky that I have a good friend who is also gay(and in long term relationship)

But seriously where does one go to meet other gay men my age apart from the bars?? I think I think I need to make a few gay friends first before even beginning to look for a bf. I mean I am a fairly sociable lad but more often than not I'm still headin to straight clubs at the weekends with my mates etc. It's gettin frustrating I guess

Anyway things can only get better and cheers for the input

Well first of all well done to you for coming out .Its the start of you being YOU.
Dont be so hard on yourself,take your time ,stop fretting .Yes there are some guys out there that want sex but its the same in any striaght bar .
Dont think that the scene is all about people wanting to have sex its not .There are people just like you ,who want to have a relationship .
They are numerous groups you could join football clubs basketball clubs ,walking groups,dining groups .
I would suggeest you contact Outhouse and ask when the next PDC course is on ,its the Personal Development Course.I did it as i had no friends when i came out.It gave me so much confidence and i gained a few new friends.
Oh and by the way age has nothing to do with coming out ,28 is still young .I know many a person who came out much older than you .
Best of luck in what you do ,,but stop worrying ,get onto Outhouse and make enquiries.
When you first come out ,theres this big ruch of excitment and relief ,but the flip side is theres also the huge downer..It happens to us all

LegacyUser

hi guys
again thanks for the advice.it was uplifting.

i cant believe there are so many activity/group things....i just google outhouse, its exactly what i need, some sort of help in helping me to accept fully who i am and feel 100% comfortable with it. Ive never heard of that place or even think such facility existed. i know im 28 but i look younger, could get away with 22, ok thats pushin it a little, but u know i dont think my age would be a barrier. theres an email and im goin to em ail them guys for more info. because i am open to new things, also i have heard of the gay rugby team, but didnt realise there were other activites too.

im lucky that i do have good friends and most were grand but there is some disconnect wit ha just a few, but really it is ok, or i think everyone just needs to get used to it. it was a big shock to my brothers and sister cos they never suspected, the only one that had suspicions was my mam, but i think mothers always know

thanks again for helpin me out.

Annasopra

Hi Conor, if you can't find contact details for any of the groups that I mentioned above let us know - also if there is some other interest you have their might be a group so ask us as well. Oisin is right The PDC course is fantastic

Eebs

Apparantly meetup.com (they have an LGBT group) is great for activities and making friends but I don't have personal experience with it.
Maybe a try that too?

oisindoyle

conor101 wrote: »

hi guys
again thanks for the advice.it was uplifting.

i cant believe there are so many activity/group things....i just google outhouse, its exactly what i need, some sort of help in helping me to accept fully who i am and feel 100% comfortable with it. Ive never heard of that place or even think such facility existed. i know im 28 but i look younger, could get away with 22, ok thats pushin it a little, but u know i dont think my age would be a barrier. theres an email and im goin to em ail them guys for more info. because i am open to new things, also i have heard of the gay rugby team, but didnt realise there were other activites too.

im lucky that i do have good friends and most were grand but there is some disconnect wit ha just a few, but really it is ok, or i think everyone just needs to get used to it. it was a big shock to my brothers and sister cos they never suspected, the only one that had suspicions was my mam, but i think mothers always know

thanks again for helpin me out.

If u want to PM me please do

patrix

After burying my head in the sand for so long I'm also going through the coming out process presently. I'm in my mid 30s so well done for facing up to it a lot sooner than me.
I echo what some of the others having been saying about the PDC courses. I did the summer living brief series of workshops organised by GMHS in August and found them to be really beneficial as well as making a couple of new friends. I've registered for the next PDC course that will be starting next Tues I believe and it will run for 8 wks. I remember the facilitators of the course saying if you speak to Tiffany (I think) in Outhouse, she will take reserve a place for you.
I would recommend reading The Velvet Rage which was suggested in one of the summer workshops and it discusses the pain of growing up gay in a straight man's world and finding your place in it. I'm currently reading it and it makes for a thought provoking but constructive read.
Someone mentioned the LGBT group on meetup.com, I recently signed up for that (look for Dublin Intnernational Gay Social Group D.I.G.S.) and will hopefully be going along to my first event this Sun.
There are inevitably highs and lows but coming out personally is like a rebirth and an opportunity to rediscover yourself.

DS333

Hi, Connor.

I didn't come out till I was 40 and, hard though it is to believe, I didn't have sex till I was 44. I must be a living fossil.

What you did was extremely brave. I was an adult, well out of college, etc., and only had family and friends to come out to. I lost a very, very close male friend who just couldn't handle the truth.

But...

I come from a rigidly Catholic family. They hated gays. They have vilified them and poured venom on them as long as I can remember. Though they didn't know I was gay and would never have hurt me deliberately, they did. I knew I was one of "them" when I was six and I believed every word I had heard - that I was filth and evil, and that God hated me.

It destroyed my childhood and most of my adult life. At six, my bedtime prayer was Please let me die, and I cursed the daylight every morning because I was still alive. I have lost count of the number of times I have gone to kill myself. But I'm still here and I really am glad that I am.

I was never bullied. I put up such a force field of arrogance in self-defence that people were afraid of me. Vestiges of it still remain so I still frighten certain people...

It is very common for us to suffer from low self-esteem issues and carry a lot of crippling baggage. I went to a psychotherapist who helped me enormously. I had a lot of work to do, but thanks to his guidance, I am a different person now.

But it's not a subject that is mentioned at home. As long as I stay celibate, I'm all right, basically. I deal in lies and subterfuge. One brother and his wife are wonderful and I can live with that.

We have to remember that there's a lot more to us than our sexual orientation. You're a whole lot of other things with all your individual talents. You just happen to be gay. Don't put all your eggs in one basket. If we put our minds to it, we are an incredibly talented bunch of people. Creativity has to express itself somehow and if it isn't in making babies, it has to be something else...

I hit the bottom of the pit full force, and so did you, by the sounds of it. I know it's a cliche, but there's only one way out and that's up. It's true! I know. It's a hard struggle but you'll be amazed at the person you turn out to be because of it. Those bullies will remain with the same mentalities they were spoon-fed when they were kids. They'll never grow up or make anything of themselves. They're beneath contempt.

I just wish the law was changed so that such people could be arrested and charged and put away in institutions. They'd meet their match there.

I found Donal Og Cusack's autobiography, "Come What May", a real inspiration. It's mostly about hurling but the story of his orientation and how he deal with it still shines through.

I hope you're all right and I sincerely hope that miracles happen for you. I won't say they will, but they did for me and why should I be an exception?