Left behind.

LegacyUser

Hi. I'm a guy about to hit 30 years next year. I have a pretty good job, my own place, good social life, and a great circle of friends. But something has been happening over the last while, and it was really highlighted to me over the weekend.

My circle of friends are, aside from myself and a couple of others, all coupled-up. Two couples are married. One other couple are pregnant. And the rest are in pretty solid relationships. And then, there's me. I was talking to my best mate over the weekend. It's himself and his girlfriend who have just become pregnant. It wasn't planned, but they're pretty happy with the situation, even if they're a little freaked out. So I've been giving them as much support as I can over the last few weeks, and myself and my mate have discussed the situation a few times. And then over the weekend, while talking about it, he says 'yeah, so me and X (the girlfriend) really want to hang around with people who are in the same situation as us. We find ourselves wanting to just hang around with people who have gone through the same thing.'

Now, it could very well be the case that my mate was just venting and to be honest, I do understand himself and the girlfriend wanting to have friends who understand their situation. They're the first of the group to get pregnant. So I understand where he's coming from. But I cant help but feel like I'm becoming just a bit of a pariah in the group. Over the last while, the couples have been hanging out. Going to movies together, restaurants and things like that. And I'm finding myself not getting an invitation. Now I don't resent these things. Not for a second. But I do find myself feeling a bit inadequate. Like I haven't grown-up like the rest of them.

To be honest, I'm not going to rush into a relationship with anyone just so I'm coupled-up like the rest of them. I broke up with someone last year because the relationship wasn't right. I could very easily stayed in the relationship, but it wouldn't have been right. But there are moments where I do worry that because I'm one of the only single people left in the group, I'll end up becoming a bit left-behind, you know? One of my other mates who's in a similar situation to me is emigrating. I don't have that option, so I'm kinda left on my tod in this situation.

Has anybody faced anything like this before? How did it work out? Am I bound to become the group pariah?

Jo King

Every time someone gets into a serious relationship they lose two friends. You are at an age in life when your friends are coupling up and inevitably you are one of the friends who gets dropped. Sometimes it is temporary and reverts to normal after the initial intensity of the relationship winds down.
You are going to have to find some new friends.
Couples socialise with couples and have different aspirations when they go out. Some women don't like to see their OH socialising or being friendly with a single bloke and they can be very skilful at keeping the OH away from his single friends, often without the OH even realising what has happened.

LegacyUser

I totally disagree.

You shouldn't feel the need to find new friends. That's be a very glib attitude. Friends are important, you can't just move on and find new ones.

I've just returned from two years working abroad. On coming home I found that a lot of my close circle of friends had coupled up. Of course the social dynamics have changed (less "lads nights out" and trips to the pub to watch football). But I've found that I'm spending just the same amount of time with all of my friends, it's just that this time isn't really as part of a big group.

I think you just have to make the effort to get to know the OHs. You'll find that while they mightn't like the idea of their boyfriends going on big nights out, they'll generally have no problem with him socialising with you.

Anyway, key message: no need to find new friends, just be flexible about how you socialise with the existing ones.

Good luck

IrishEyes19

It's funny OP, this very issue I was discussing with another friend of mine over coffee, just talking about how people have coupled up this year and its down right fustrating, how they change when they do.

I think its BS for someone to have the arrogance to tell you they're going to hang around other couples or other people in that situation, but sadly it does happen. I've noticed also that couples start hanging out with other couples and even the odd snide remark if you're single escapes their lips, when they describe where they went or the events they attended with the other couples they had met through friends. Plus yes, not being invited to things. A similiar thing happened when my best friend and I found out another very good friend and the OH went out to an event, with another couple and other single friends had been there that night, but hadnt invited us at, whereas any event that was on that we knew about, we invited them both. Plus we had to deal with never seeing them on a one to one scale anymore without the OH.

Its amazing how best friends can suddenly change when a new OH comes into the fray, but honestly its down right horrible when they abandon what you had before. Id actually consider, OH, putting your foot down on this one and not walking away to make new friends. Why should you? Theres a sick mindset coming into play here, where if you're single, theres something backwards or wrong with you. Its riddiculous. And many of those loved up couples will realise its not all strawberries and ice-cream when real life comes into play and the honeymoon period is over. That saying your friends who are expecting the baby are probably facing challenging times right now, but I wouldnt be surprised if it was the OH who suggested hanging around other couples. It just doesnt sound like a guy thing to say, tbh. that saying I could be very wrong.

I think its very controlling for OH's not to allow lads night out, or girls nights out. You need your friends too, sometimes getting away from all the dynamics of a relationship is just want you need when you can sit down in my case, with the girls or in other cases, with the lads, have a drink and a night out. OH's have no right to cripple your social life when you get together and thats what sickens me when I see some couples. Does coupling up seriously mean never leaving the house again on our own, do they realistically have to come everywhere, because I see it all the time. Honestly if my OH, didnt show some sign that he had a life of his own and could go out with the lads some nights and allow me to go out with the girls, it wouldnt last long. Just an opinion though.

LegacyUser

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

Plus we had to deal with never seeing them on a one to one scale anymore without the OH.

that used to drive me spare when I was single. It's a situation of 'Love me, love my OH' which I absolutely despise. I take great care to meet up with my friends on a regular basis without my OH (I survived without him til now after all!).
OP, you will need to find new friends (preferably single) outside your own circle. That doesn't mean you forget your old friends, it just means that you have more people to go out and have the craic with. I had to do this because I was the last in my group to meet someone. For ages, I complained I had no-one to go out with, felt left behind. I also felt looked down upon (which was probably due to my mindset). I prised myself from the comfort of my armchair, went to gigs, theatre etc on my own. At these events, I met up with other people I knew to see and got to know them better. Hey presto, I had a new gang of single people to go out with.

Good luck, you sound like a nice guy so it shouldn't be too hard for you to meet others in the same boat as you.

IrishEyes19

unregistered wrote: »

that used to drive me spare when I was single. It's a situation of 'Love me, love my OH' which I absolutely despise. I take great care to meet up with my friends on a regular basis without my OH (I survived without him til now after all!).
OP, you will need to find new friends (preferably single) outside your own circle. That doesn't mean you forget your old friends, it just means that you have more people to go out and have the craic with. I had to do this because I was the last in my group to meet someone. For ages, I complained I had no-one to go out with, felt left behind. I also felt looked down upon (which was probably due to my mindset). I prised myself from the comfort of my armchair, went to gigs, theatre etc on my own. At these events, I met up with other people I knew to see and got to know them better. Hey presto, I had a new gang of single people to go out with.

Good luck, you sound like a nice guy so it shouldn't be too hard for you to meet others in the same boat as you.

The funny thing is, unreg....its not your mindset...people actually do look down upon single people, its crazy actually because they werent that person when they were single. But what you will eventually see, OP, is that a lot of couples abandon friends, not all of them, but a lot do and slowly but surely they dwindle away and have none left, and when one partner becomes unhappy in the relationship, they're afraid to break up because they either have no friends left or their OH has none and they feel bad. The point is, perhaps yes you will have expand your social circle, but dont become a platform for these couples either, I feel prey to that when I accomodated friends bf's coming over to parties, or the friend stopping by to pass time before the bf collected her. Its unbelievable how people change. I advise you dont fall into that trap either

dellas1979

Its become the "in" thing to be in a couple - not just for the sake of wanting to be in a fruitful and happy relationship. People couple up because nowadays, with lack of money, jobs etc, values are being set at a couple/family level, even though more relationships are failing day by day.

Its crazy, but if you are single, you are almost not in the cool gang. Its a wee bit pathetic in my view, because most are completely unhappy.

Do your own thing and be happy yourself. Thats the only way around it.