Advice Please....getting desperate!

LegacyUser

I love my gf of 3 years now. Thing is for the last year and a bit she has lost interest in all things sexual. We have had sex for instance once this year. I love sex and I am up for it most nights, it's so frustrating. Like I said I love her so much and would love to marry her, but lately I've been thinking of going else where for it. I have never cheated and I would hate myself if I did but I've noticed that on nights out if I'm drunk I am more liable to do something about it.

I have tried talking to her about it but she doesn't want to hear it. Thing is sex can be pretty painful for her and it's that that is putting her off. We do use lube and I try to stimulate her as much as she will allow (she doesn't want oral). Anyway, I don't know what to do now. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Ickle Magoo

It is wholly unreasonable to expect someone to put up with a sexless relationship and not do everything in your power to remedy the situation. That said, discussing with her or ending the relationship if she refuses to do anything should be your only options, cheating or threatening to cheat is not on.

I think you need to let your gf know that continuing with the status quo of an annual sex life is just not an option and that she owes it to herself to seek help for her issue as much as for the sake of your relationship. Ask that she make an appointment with her GP or seeks out a specialist in sexual issues or even psychologist if the issues are deemed not to be physical.

Best of luck.

Miss Fluff

I think she needs to see a GP as a matter of urgency, it could possibly be vaginismus but only a doctor will be able to diagnose. The doctor can then refer her for psychosexual counselling. Refusing to discuss this is unreasonable and selfish on her part. Surely she can't expect you to live as friends in a sexless relationship and let this continue?

If she would prefer not to go to her GP, she can go directly to these people

http://www.mrcs.ie/SexTherapy.html

Has penetrative sex always been an issue or is this something that developed over time?

Try not to cheat on her OP. Hopefully with professional help this will be sorted once she addresses this.

LegacyUser

Thanks guys. Penetrative sex has not always been a problem. I have suggested that she a GP but she's too embarrassed and if I push it too much she'll end up crying. My heart then goes out to her.

I will try again however, thanks guys.

Miss Fluff

Mr.M1985 wrote: »

Thanks guys. Penetrative sex has not always been a problem. I have suggested that she a GP but she's too embarrassed and if I push it too much she'll end up crying. My heart then goes out to her.

While I understand you being sympathetic, I think you need to make it very clear that if the relationship is to survive, this has to be addressed as a matter of urgency. I guess it's a weigh up between her being embarrassed v her losing you for good as it sounds to me like you've been more than patient. I'm not normally a fan of ultimatums but she can't in all honesty expect this to continue ad nauseum. You're both young and in love and should be swinging off the rafters, she should really want to sort this out for you and for herself.

LegacyUser

Thanks again. Ya you are right. I will have to lay it on the line, kinda was thinking that anyway but was hoping there was another way. I actually can't imagine being without her cos we get on so well and have great craic, for instance my fav time is on a Fri after work collecting her and heading home west for the weekend, we have such craic on the way home! I'd miss things like that. So it has to work. Fingers crossed.....now just to get the timing right.

tinkerbell

Mr.M1985 wrote: »

Thanks guys. Penetrative sex has not always been a problem. I have suggested that she a GP but she's too embarrassed and if I push it too much she'll end up crying. My heart then goes out to her.

I will try again however, thanks guys.

So it has not always been a problem then?

Well you need to ask yourself then, what has changed? Is she stressed, has she put on weight, upset about stuff, no energy, etc?

LegacyUser

Actually tinkerbell she says she feels 'fat' an awful lot. Thing is she's bloody tiny!! She feels tired quite a bit, no energy etc.... I am very active myself and encourage her to be more active, just for the mental as well as physical benefits.

tinkerbell

Mr.M1985 wrote: »

Actually tinkerbell she says she feels 'fat' an awful lot. Thing is she's bloody tiny!! She feels tired quite a bit, no energy etc.... I am very active myself and encourage her to be more active, just for the mental as well as physical benefits.

I could be completely wrong here but this may be the reason .... feeling fat / tired / no energy would put you completely off being "in the mood" so to speak. Even if you say she is tiny, unless she believes it herself then nothing can probably change her mind.

I'd say keep trying to encourage her to be more active, that could well be the cause of your problem. How about ye take up a sport together or else be gym buddies or something?

LegacyUser

My gf was the exact same this week and we hadn't seen each other in ages!! and i was absolutely mad for it. We slept together for 5 nights and only a bit of hand play on one occasion when we were drunk.

Same problem as you though because she is always tired despite going to bed early and getting lots of sleep and she walks 4 miles nearly everyday. She also feels really fat and doesnt like the look of herself. Even though she is great looking. She used to be a bit heavy but now is perfect. No matter how much I tell her this though I dont think she will ever believe me!

I know it hasnt been long for me but like same symptoms and she is never over enthusiastic. She is really self conscious about how she looks and I think thats the problem.

StarryMoon0

It can be very embarrassing going to the Dr for these things, and especially if you've had a bad experience with Dr's in the past. Some are rather clueless or just plain ignorant.

She does need to get it checked though. Could be as simple as a chronic thrush infection (had one years ago, no itching or anything, just pain inside with penetration) or soemthing more serious that she get checked not only for your relationship, but for her own health and wellbeing.

As for being tired all the time, maybe check out PCOS and see if she has any other symptoms. If so, a simple blood test would confirm. I went several doctors for about 3 years saying " i am so tired, i cannot get enough sleep, exhausted all the time, what is wrong with me" I was told to excersice, take vitamins etc etc. Finally a locum Dr I seen at a walk in clinic for a sore throat looked at my chart and said "I'd like to check your hormone levels". A month later on tablets that changed my life completly. (oh and my sex drive soared because i wasn't exhausted all the time)

Zen65

Mr.M1985 wrote: »

We have had sex for instance once this year. I love sex and I am up for it most nights, it's so frustrating. Like I said I love her so much and would love to marry her, but lately I've been thinking of going else where for it.

Firstly, you absolutely should never act on drunken urges, as they will only make things worse.

I'm just going to repeat the advice that others have given you.

In any long-term relationship, the key is compromise. Having sex with your partner just once in the year is not a compromise. She is frankly making no effort at all, and it's unreasonable for her to be doing this.

If she wants the relationship to last, she needs to get to the bottom of her issues. If it's a physical medical problem, she should get it sorted and "embarrassment" is not a good enough excuse for not doing so. If the problem is psychological then she will also need treatment, which may take longer.

The likely reality is that if she continues to ignore this, or simply to break into tears and refuse to act, then you should leave her. The alternative is that you will eventually go elsewhere for the sex and the relationship will be destroyed, with you being painted as the bad guy for being unfaithful.

Withholding sex for such a long period (by choice) from your partner is just as unfaithful an act as engaging in sex with somebody else.


Be at peace,


Z

LegacyUser

Thanks guys. Ye're comments have made me feel better, at least I know I'm not being selfish. I really believe this is a physical/medical problem. It's my job now to convince her, for her own sake at the very least and of course our relationship.

Thanks very much again guys it's a real comfort.