Massive Credit Card Debt Due to Gambling

hellodolly

Hi all, hope some-one can help.

I just found out that my brother-in-law has ran up a massive €20k by gambling on his credit cards. He and my sister are already up to their eyes in debt with a massive mortgage and large personal debt that they had run up during the boom-time. She had started to get their finances sorted, paying off the personal debt and meeting all their bills (with difficulty but they were managing), but he's now basically fecked everything up with his gambling addiction. His excuse is that he was trying to win enough to clear their personal debt and concentrate on their mortgage - I know that this is just his excuse for his addiction. I'm not judging cos I know what it can be like - smoked fags for 18 years, but am happily 1 year free of that!

The advice I'm hoping for is (a) My sister thinks she should kick him out for a while and send him back to his mother to try and scare him into copping on. She also wants him to attend gambler's anon. & thinks that if she doesnt actually kick him out, that she should threaten to if he doesn't attend counselling.

(b) to deal with this extra I'm wondering should they go to a debt management company or some-one. We know nothing about these companies & wonder if anyone can recommend a reliable service for them to try.

My sister loves her husband to bits (they're childhood sweethearts) & I'd absolutely hate to see their relationship be destroyed by this as otherwise he has been the best husband and dad to their baby girl, so any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks

crabfeet

You sister can go to MABS for help with debt. Gamblers always lose. She needs to remove all credit facilities from hiom and never let him handle money. Gambling is a worse disease than alcoholism and she needs to persuade him he has a problem and should get help. I know of one chronic gambler who had to arrange to have his salary paid to his wife by way of a covenant, lest he lose the lot on his way home from work with the money.

Nevyn

http://www.mabs.ie/

http://www.gamblersanonymous.ie/gamanon/gam_anon_20_questions.html

up for anything

I had a friend married to a gambler. Each time she built up a home for them and their child, he gambled it away. Three times it happened. She threw him out a few times and would take him back when he had taken steps to deal with his problem but he was never strong enough to stop completely. She has now been happily divorced from him for 15 years.

Was your brother-in-law a gambler previous to this or was it desperation that drove him in that direction? Is he still gambling now?

Your sister can't force him into anything. It won't work if he is pushed and threatened into getting help and keeping on getting it. He needs to admit he has a problem and take steps to deal with it, the same way an alcoholic would. He needs to be the driving force behind his rehab not her. If she feels the best course is to kick him out than she should but not as an empty gesture. She needs to set a goal for him. Maybe something like he doesn't get back home until he has been 'clean' and still attending counselling/GA for six months.

I don't know anything about debt management companies but I would suggest she gets an urgent appointment with MABs who maybe be able to help her or would at least point her in the direction where she can get proper help and not some bunch of shysters looking to make money out of her misery.

gossipgal08

Mabs is liget. Also it AA have a support group for spouses so your sister should look in to one for gamblers spouses. She will need a lot of support to get through this. My advice would be kick him out and dont let him back home untill she is convinced he is clean. She needs to put the kids (if any) first.

OP my advice to you is please try to remember thet what ever he has done you sister loves this man and in the long run you badmouthing him will not help. Listen to your sister if she wants to give out about him but for her sake dont join in.

Zen65

gossipgal08 wrote: »

OP my advice to you is please try to remember thet what ever he has done you sister loves this man and in the long run you badmouthing him will not help.

Excellent advice !

Taking sides is rarely helpful in family situations.


Be at peace,

Z

RachaelVO

CAN'T BE STRESSED ENOUGH, THEY NEED PROFESSIONAL HELP!!!!

I know that looks like I'm shouting, but the sooner they go, the sooner their debt can be under control. MABS is a very worthwhile group. I would also suggest that they need personal and marriage counseling, Relate is a good place to start. Once they get the ball rolling they should get it under control but they'll need to do exactly what they're advised to do, otherwise they could get into worse trouble (if you can imagine that was possible).

I them them (and you) a whole heap of luck!

weatherguy

A married unemployed guy gambled most of his redundancy on the horses.
He would be sat at home while his wife was out working, watching the races and making phone bets on the gee gees.
He gambled over €30k in six months. Wife didn't know about it as he managed to hide his credit and debit card statements.
It was only when his wife's sister happened to call in to see him that his vice was uncovered.
Sister mentioned what she had seen him do to the wife who then began to check up on the hubby a little more. She managed to find his credit and debit card statements and discovered how much was gone.
She hit the roof. Gave him an ultimatum and he agreed to see a counsellor and join GA.
Now 18 months on he hasn't gambled a cent; he works in a supermarket stacking shelves; gives all his wages to his wife who gives him a weekly allowance.
It was accept those conditions or move out - permanently.

whiteonion

hellodolly wrote: »

Hi all, hope some-one can help.

I just found out that my brother-in-law has ran up a massive €20k by gambling on his credit cards. He and my sister are already up to their eyes in debt with a massive mortgage and large personal debt that they had run up during the boom-time. She had started to get their finances sorted, paying off the personal debt and meeting all their bills (with difficulty but they were managing), but he's now basically fecked everything up with his gambling addiction. His excuse is that he was trying to win enough to clear their personal debt and concentrate on their mortgage - I know that this is just his excuse for his addiction. I'm not judging cos I know what it can be like - smoked fags for 18 years, but am happily 1 year free of that!

The advice I'm hoping for is (a) My sister thinks she should kick him out for a while and send him back to his mother to try and scare him into copping on. She also wants him to attend gambler's anon. & thinks that if she doesnt actually kick him out, that she should threaten to if he doesn't attend counselling.

(b) to deal with this extra I'm wondering should they go to a debt management company or some-one. We know nothing about these companies & wonder if anyone can recommend a reliable service for them to try.

My sister loves her husband to bits (they're childhood sweethearts) & I'd absolutely hate to see their relationship be destroyed by this as otherwise he has been the best husband and dad to their baby girl, so any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks

A divorce is the most rational sollution. I would not let a gambler cost me any money. I would never let love blind me into making irrational decisions.

hellodolly

Hi guys,

Just thought I'd update you seeing as you were kind enough to give me advice when I needed it ... which I really appreciated

My bro-in-law thankfully had the good sense to face what he had done and firstly he told his mother (whom he loves dearly and was more terrified of telling her than my sister!) ... she was devastated that he made such a dreadful mistake and bawled her eyes out and it broke his heart. His parents had a nice nest-egg put away and they loaned them the money to clear the credit card debt so thankfully they don't owe to any debt managment company or whatever (they DO have to pay it back though).

My sister has all his laser cards etc (credit card cancelled as soon as it was cleared) and has control over his wages; don't get me wrong, if he wanted to go into the bank and withdraw he could still probably do it, so it's a matter of trust between them and so far he has has opted to save his marriage! thank God! She gives him a weekly allowance of petrol and lunch at work etc, but if he wants cash for the pub or whatever he can have that cash - she knows he works hard to earn it so she doesn't want to punish him by damaging his social life (it's just down to the local pub every now and then).

Best of all, he attends weekly GA meetings; he said himself (to her) that if he misses the odd meeting, he really feels it i.e. thoughts of gambling start creeping in. He's not even allowed to buy a lotto ticket.

He ain't cured yet (and I know it will always be an issue with him, just like my smoking addiction - 1 year 3 months free ) but thankfully he chose his life and marriage instead of horses and online poker so we are all very proud of him!! - Thankfully his mature decision to deal with it all; to step up and sort his **** out has actually managed to make me respect him a bit more and we get on even better than we used to! He makes a much bigger effort with his in-law's in general and I'm at least very grateful for that ... family is the most important thing

(PS He knows I know about his gambling but I've never once mentioned it to him... I left all that to his very brave and strong wife )

Fingers crossed that he stays clean

Wagon

Good stuff! He sounded like a decent bloke from the first post anyway, just got caught up with an addiction, which can happen to the best of us.

Best of luck to them anyway. It's a hard road ahead but he seems to be doing excellently so far

RachaelVO

I agree with Wagon! The very best of luck to them, I hope it all works out for the best