What do I do next?

LegacyUser

Hi, this may end up being long, so bear with me.
I have a male friend I have known for years.
We used to have a casual physical relationship which eventually led to me developing big feelings for him.
Eventually we decided it had to end because I was going to end up heartbroken.
To be honest , it was already too late.
We called time on the physical stuff and went back to being friends, but it was a long long time before I was even remotely ok.
He moved away and we were in limited contact for quite some time.

In the last year, he has come back into my life again.
He came to stay with me when he had lost his job and place to live and I put him up for a few weeks.
During this time, old feelings resurfaced and we ended up in bed again.
I was pretty surprised because I really felt we'd firmly drawn a line under all of that.
I have ,every now and then, helped him out by lending him the odd bit of cash which he's always returned fairly promptly.

A few evenings ago we ended up in bed again....after which we had a conversation in which the good old truth came out and he confessed that he'd never seen me in the romantic sense and just as a friend.
I nailed my colours to the post and said that I had always seen him as someone I could be very happy with.
As a result of this we seemingly decided once again to return to just plain old friendship.
I have been very low for the last few days and honestly am considering moving back home in order to get space from the situation and to have the support of my family.

This morning I just snapped. I received a text from this friend basically looking to borrow money again.
It was the straw that broke the camels back. I basically was left feeling like an atm.
I just don't know what to do, I have never refused to help before, but I really feel sick of it now. I suppose I just feel used, and that upsets me so much.
Can anyone offer any advice on how to handle it from here?
I am lost and just want to do what's best.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
Sorry to hear you were treated this way. I don't mean to sound harsh but it sounds like this guy is using you as he knows your feelings towards him and knows it would be hard for you to say no.

I think you need to tell him this. Tell him that you're not an ATM and that you won't be used by him any longer. You really need to cut contact with this "friend" so that you can move on and eventually forget about him. Your deserve to be treated better:)

LegacyUser

You poor thing. I've been in a similar situation of unrequited love. It's horrible. But at least my guy wasn't so blatant about using me. Because much as it may hurt to hear it, that's what this guy is: a user. He can't have been any more blunt about it when he admitted he didn't have romantic feelings for you, which means one thing: he's using you for sex! And then has the cheek to ask you for a lend of money again, after saying that! No way Jose. It doesn't matter if he pays you back quickly. Don't do it. That's really hurtful. This guy has no tact whatsoever.

Much as it might hurt, you need to walk away from this guy or you'll end up sucked into a vicious circle. Don't even try to be friends, it won't work if you have feelings for him. Cut all contact. You deserve to be with someone who sees you as more than a bank teller and an easy shag.

limelemon

Keep it simple. Tell him you can't spare the cash at the moment. You don't need to have a confrontation with him about it. You don't need to feel guilty for saying no either, it's not the norm to lend 'friends' cash like that on an ongoing basis, if he had any self respect he wouldn't be asking over and over.

Next time he gets in touch looking for any kind of favour from you, make an excuse. You don't need this sort of relationship in your life.

I am a friend

brokengirl wrote: »

he confessed that he'd never seen me in the romantic sense and just as a friend.

I just dont get this.... How can people shag others that they really like (as a friend it seems) and only think of them as a friend and not in a romantic sense... What is sex now? A transaction? Op, you poor pet... You are well rid.

estar

lets think about what a friend is. for me, being someone's friend means I wll always act in their best interest, support them, and think of them before myself.

so would your friend, if they knew you were in love with them, sleep with you knowing it would hurt you? no. they would not even if you threw themselves at them.

we all have been in situations where someone we liked as a friend wanted more. did we sleep with them, stay in their house and tap them up for cash?

you need to view this situation objectively for what it is. a learning experience. dont beat yourself up everyone makes mistakes.

im not sure friends with benefits is a good idea. one party always ends up getting hurt when it continues over an extended basis.

this person has a family, and it is them that should be giving him cash. anyway can he not live on the dole? thats 200 euro a week? he doesnt have any dependants, I see no reason for him to be looking for money.

if I had to stay on your couch for a while, I would be offering to clean your house, cook your meals and wash your clothes and give you lifts in return.

you set the standard in your life for what is acceptable and what is not. you are in control of this situation whether it feels like it or not.

get rid! and never look back!

LegacyUser

Thanks guys, all very good advice.
I have cut all contact. Like I said I just snapped yesterday, I'd had enough.
I feel pretty low and tearful at the moment and just used.
I know that in time I will get angry and that will help me to see things much more clearly.
I just doesn't make sense that I could feel so much for somebody only for it to mean nothing.
So unfair.