Can men please enlighten me on this guy´s thinking?

LegacyUser

I´m hoping you guys can maybe help me. I´ve given alot of advice up here over the years but now I´m asking for your help. I´d ideally like to hear men´s opinions on this as it´s more to do with the workings of a man´s mind that I can´t figure out.

I moved in with a guy temporarily while I found a place to olive and we immediately got on very well. There wasn´t chemistry immediately from me as he´s a good bit older than guys I´d go out with….I´m early 30s and he´s approaching mid-40s but within a week of living with him, I fancied him and the month we spent together was a massive build up to something happening eventually. He did try it on one night while I was still living with him but I was caught so off guard that I pretended nothing happened. After I moved out we made excuses to meet up almost immediately and finally after about 2 weeks after I moved out, we had a beer or two (literally...neither of us drink much) and he asked me could he kiss me…and we slept together. I liked him a lot at this stage so I was delighted.

On our second meeting, we went for a drink and we sat on the couch of the bar cuddling and he mentioned that while we were living together, I left my door open one night and he watched me sleep for while and another time he brought one my sheets he found in the wash basket and slept with it so he could smell my smell. From any other man this probably creep me out but he´s not at all creepy and I thought it was sweet…and very sexy that he even told me this. I honestly believed he liked me after he said this.
Over the following 5 months, we spent a lot of time together hanging out and going on day trips etc and we continued sleeping together. We had a great time as we both got on fantastically well and I believed I´d met one of “the ones”(there´s more than one ;-) ). I really felt there was something between us and I just really got the impression he liked me a lot as he was always doing things for me, was extremely sweet and kind and his general body language etc BUT and I guess this should have raised alarm bells to some extent (and it did if I´m honest), he never mentioned he liked me, at least not in non-sexual way (he made that very clear in bed) and he´d give the occassional compliment but being a fairly good looking girl, I´m used to more (disclaimer: I´m not a big head, just being honest). At the time I found it attractive. I guess I got sick of men buttering me up with compliments, whether they were real or genuine and I presumed he was the kind of guy who´d only say something in a certain moment when he really felt it.

I honestly believed we were in boyfriend-girlfriend territory…it certainly felt that way. Lots of texts, emails, phone calls and we´d greet each other and say goodbye with a kiss. We spent most of our time together talking and it really wasn´t all about just the sex. He tried to be more physically affectionate with me with hugs etc and I pushed him away because like others, I´ve had my heart broken and need to be sure before I can get close. This guy is the nicest man I´ve ever met and even now, I can´t fault him.

Sooooo I went on holidays for a month in August (I don´t live in Ireland by the way…this guy is not Irish)and i got thinking over the month that I´d like to finally have a chat with him about what we were (if we were exclusive). I was happy to go on the way things were going as I´m not traditional and really amn´t looking to get married and have kids, at least not yet. When I got back, I drunkenly sent him a short email from my friends house asking him what we were and next day I gota n email saying he was having a lot of trouble in his life right now with a job he hates living in a country he hates (I knew these were both serious issues for him) and he wasn´t sure if he´d even be in the country the following year and he´s not thinking about a relationship right now. We met up that night and he clarified that it wasn´t the woman, it was the situation. He wasn´t in a place in his life to have a relationship and I told him I couldnt´be his friend never mind his “feck buddy”. I was devastated. I really honestly expected him to say, “lets be a couple!” and I could finally let my guard down with him. I couldn´t believe it. I told him I liked him and he told me he respected me and liked me too (the latter part said briefly). He got upset when I told him I didn´t want to be friends and as we walked down the street, he grabbed me, gave me a hug and kissed the crown of my head and said, “just doing that before I don´t get a chance to do it again”.

At the time i was still waiting to move into my new place and I was staying with a friend on her couch but I overstayed my welcome there and the guy offered his spare bedroom. I took him up on his offer even though I´d stated that I didn´t even want to be friends because a) i´d nowhere to stay and b) I wanted to be close to him. I was there 3 night and on the second night I went out with friends quite late and came home to find him asleep on the couch naked. I was tipsy and was tempted to go to him but resisted. The 3rd day I got a text from him that day asking me if I´d like to share a beer or two with him that night on the terrace of his apartment. I´d a feeling how things would go and even though I knew it was absolutely stupid to go for it as I´d just feel worse, I did anyway. That night he mentioned how the night before (2nd night) he was trying to resist going into my room…the sparks were flying and we ended up sleeping together.

That was a few weeks ago and we´ve been meeting up like we have before only this time round, he´s been even nicer to me and I´m more guarded and confused. I´ve had a rough month with moving and problems with my job and finances etc and he really helped me out. I know this guy is coming across like a bit of an asshole to some people here (and myself like a guilible idiot) but he´s not like that. I understand he probably wants nothing more than sex but it takes two to tango and he has no idea how upset I am right now because I act like I´m okay with this . It´s killing me spending time with him knowing he doesn´t want anymore, particularly when he´s being so good to me. He texts me, sends me emails, phones and last weekend he bought me a new plant for my new flat and a DVD of a film from his country. When we sleep together (as in before and after sex) he´s affectionate with me and he sometimes asks me to come over just to sleep together and not necessarily anything more. He´s happy to just fall asleep sometimes and loves to just lie in wrapped around me. One night I was half asleep and woke up to find him looking at me and smiling and he gave me a kiss on the lips, still thiking I was asleep.

I know I´m coming across as pretty pathetic right now and i know if I read this what advice I´d give myself but this is more than just a feck buddy relationship, or at least it differs from other FB relatonships that I´ve had. I know I should have asked him where we stood sooner but in all honesty, I thought he felt the same as me and I thought at our age things just progressed without having to say it.
He´s gone away for a few days to an island off the coast of this country (he didn´t tell me he was going…I don´t think it was planned) and has just sent me a text to say hi and thatt he´s in an Irihs bar listening to live Irish music…he does this everytime he´s away. Essentially he acts like a boyfriend in a lot of ways.

I made up my mind to take a break from him for a weeks and get my confidence back. It took a bit of a knock but I´m so frustrated that this is the situation between us. It´s all so cold. I can´t be that close to someone I´m falling for if he doesn´t want the same. I don´t understand why he acts the way he does towards me if all he wants is sex though. He doesn´t need to be so nice or bother with emails, texts etc if all he wants is to ****. I just don´t get it. He´s sending me mixed messages and giving me hope where there´s probably none.

Could someone please enlighten me as to what is going on in this man´s head? I understand men are men but he´s been nothing but kind to me and we´ve never fought or disrespected each other…it´s always been really cool and relaxed between us. We´re friends…but if all he wants is sex and he knows I want more, why would he do this to me (I know why I´m letting him do it…I´m still hopeful) . Please let me know because it´s getting me down. How can a man separate themselves so much emotionally in a situation like this? I´ve known him since Feb and have been sleeping with him since April. Why hasn´t he run a mile knowing how I feel? Why would a decent man in every other respect do this to someone he consider a friend? And if he doesn´t want me then why does he sleep with me and hang out with me?? If he fancies me and likes me as a friend, what more does he want?? I really believe he´s one of the good guys and this just doesn´t fit. I´m baffled and frustrated. Please advice me here and sorry about the length.

Does anyone reckon I have a chance with this guy and perhaps he´s holding back for other reasons...or is he just a bit of a player?

Thanks a million for your advice and help.

LegacyUser

I read all of your post, i imagine a lot of people won't.

As a early 30s guy who has lived a lot, I can safely say he's a player. You are nothing more to him but a fcuk buddy. He doesn't do commitment, hence why he is in his 40s with no wife/long term partner.

He's a charmer. He's probably sending the same lovely e-mails and texts to 10 other girls.

You're falling for it all the way. Don't try to convince yourself that you can continue as you are and enjoy it for what it is; just sex. You are playing into his hands, falling for his every word.

You know you need to cut him out completely for your own sake. I don't imagine you'll do that though.

Likelihood is he's on an exotic holiday with another woman right now.

What do you know about this guy? Do you know his past history with women? Has he been married? Got children? Are you willing to hear this information or are you only looking for advice on how to make him love you?

He never will.

He's using you for sex. That is all.

He will never be in a relationship with you.

He will never commit to you.

He will continue to sleep with you for as long as you allow it.

He will not run after you if you walk away from him.

He will not mourn you leaving his life.

He will not miss you for more than a couple of horny minutes after a few drinks late one night.

And he will find someone else to quickly fill your fcuk buddy shoes.

Sorry to be harsh, but the truth is the truth.



Also, I note you mentioning how attractive you are, and your concerns that he may not find you attractive. Men often view 'attractive' completely differently to what a woman thinks they see. So there is a chance that he may just not be THAT attracted to you. But I wouldn't let that worry you, if you are happy with your appearance, no doubt you will find someone else who will appreciate the way you look!

generalmental

i think he really likes you, he is doing the bf thing allright. i think the reason he is being nicer 2nd time round is cause he nearly lost you doesn't want that to happen again..also, but i could be way off, i was with a woman i was 12 years older than and had some issues and i was a bit insecure at times, so you dont know till you have the talk again

MRBEAVER

Despite language used you are in a relationship. He may be insecure but probably is in love with you and is probably afraid that he will lose you. Ye are not "friends" or **** buddies.

LegacyUser

I would agree that ye seem to be in a relationship in all but name, you don't sleep with your friends, and you don't text, email, watch sleeping a fb (well i don't), how would you think he would react if you started seeing someone else....that will answer your queries!

I would think he is just scared etc. maybe he doesn't like labels, my OH cringes when someone refers to her as a girlfriend or as me as her boyfriend....

This is all guess work, you state he isn't irish, cultures differ, maybe this explains it a little.
I would think you need to ask him to be sure, but try to be tactile, i feel he may have gotten scared by the email you sent...

Remember you don't need to rush it, again with me and my OH, she said at the start that it was only a fling and if i was looking for a relationship to look elsewhere, that was fine as at the time i felt the same, 10 months later we are both madly in love and can't stand being apart...i believe that these things flourish despite practical concerns of the people, if you fall in love thats it, the practicalities of life go out the window....

LegacyUser

One thing that struck me from your post OP, is that you say it's more than a fbuddy situation for you.

My thoughts on your story is that it is obviously more than that for you.

But it's exactly that for him.

I'm female, so I can't give you my thoughts on the workings of the male brain.

But he's having his cake, and eating it and there are very few who would walk away from that - when you make it so easy for him.

Sorry if I sound harsh but stay away from him for a while if you can. You're the one getting hurt - not him.
Take care
Mary Gaffney

curlzy

Hey,

You seem to be in a relationship, he just doesn't want to call it that. Are you guys exclusive? To me that's the main issue, if you are exclusive then you basically are in a relationship albeit an immature one. If you really really really like the guy and believe he genuinely isn't just twisting you round his finger then I'd give it some time. He sounds very immature for a 40 year old but that has positives too in some ways. Try not to give it more than it's worth though, if you get the feeling he's ripping the proverbial then he more than likely is. Sorry I can't be of more help than that. You don't sound like a pathetic doormat type so I won't give you the usual "cop yourself on woman and have some dignity" talk but maybe give yourself that talk if you think you're selling yourself short.

Best of luck.

Monkey61

Okay I might be wrong but, by the sounds of it, he really fancies you and likes you as a friend, likes the physical closeness but knows that there's just something missing and that you're not right for him and he doesn't want to actually go out with you...

More than likely if he met someone else, he would be gone like a shot, but it is convenient for him in the meantime to keep you around, because he does like you, just not enough that he wouldn't want to be with someone else if they came along. He is being terribly selfish knowing how you feel and the right thing for him to do would be to cut all contact so that you can find someone who actually wants to be with you...but he likes you and wants you around and so isn't being the bigger person.

I had a friend like that once. I fancied her, thought she was lovely, loved hanging out with her, all the hugs lying in bed etc. But I knew that I would never want to go out with her, because she wasn't right for me and the spark that I need for a relationship just wasn't there. I knew that I had all the power in the situation though (not in a nasty way) but knew that I could make all the decisions and it was safe and comfortable and I knew that she would always be there when I needed her/wanted her. I knew that she liked me more; but just didn't want to give up the fun we had. Then I met someone who I did feel the spark for and wanted a relationship with - so I had to. I still miss the girl of course; but know that we can't be friends and that it would be horribly selfish of me to try and make her fall into that category.

In the long run, you will probably get hurt. You need to decide what you want and are willing to put up with. Are you happy to be in this semi-relationship knowing that he isn't going to change his mind and knowing that he could meet someone else at any moment? Because from what you have said, he won't change his mind, he would know after 6 months if he wants to be with you and he has said that he doesn't. He obviously cares about you- but not as much as he cares about himself or he would have cut contact as soon as you said you wanted more.

S23

I read the whole post and all the replies. I know there are a million things swirling around in your head.

You gave a lot of detail and obviously are keen to analyse all this stuff and pick the bones out of it all. However, long story short, it sounds like you're getting played.

He's a bit older than you and has probably been around the block a few more times than yourself. He knows what he's doing and he knows the hold he has over you.

You're getting played by a player. I don't even for a second buy all this 'he's afraid hes going to lose you, he's afraid to commit' stuff. He doesn't want to. If he did he'd have done it already.

Not what you want to hear most likely but thats a male perspective for you. He sounds very much like a friend of mines ex excpet just a few years older.

Genuinely give yourself some distance from him for, lets say, a month. If you can stay out of contact with him for that long and not succumb to phone calls, emails, texts etc... then you'll see if he comes after you and realises you are the one he wants to be with.

LegacyUser

Reading your post, your just making excuses for this guy.

It's all about your perception of things.

You're trying to convince yourself that this is more.

I question a lot of the things that you believe he does, a lot of what you say is from YOUR perception.

He's probably very aware of how gullible you are, and taking advantage of that.

He's not attracted to you for partner material, you're good for sex, for now. But when the right one comes along (if he decides to stop playing the field), he'll be right after her and you'll be long forgotten.

gossipgal08

This is what I thought when reading your post.
The two of you get on well and like sleeping together. You wanted more he told you he did not. You contuine to sleep with him therefore you are ok the the relationship as it is. He is treating you the way he thinks women like to be treated in order to keep you happy.

If he wanted to be in a relationship with you he would make sure you knew that the two of you were in a relationship and exclusive.

He is sending mixed messages and giving false hope to keep you sleeping with him.

He is doing this because you are letting him

Stu

OP, smell the roses. The guy is in his mid 40's and is making excuses as to why he can't commit. He doesn't want to commit. He likes you but he probably doesn't love you. I'm sure hes liked a lot of women in his life but was happy to keep it that way and keep his options open.

Some men are just like that, as long as they can still pull attractive women, they will never commit to 1 women. This guy will always whisper sweet nothings in your ear and pay you compliments but when you want concrete assurances that you are a longterm couple he will throw out the lame excuses and as you are a young attractive women, you should move on and meet somebody who is on the same page as you.

Oh, the fact that you've tried to clear the air with him regarding where the relationship was headed and have only gotten lame excuses from him but still continue to sleep with him is only massaging his ego and he probably thinks that he can keep the charade going for as long as chooses.

But the reality is that he should be feeling very lucky to be going out with an attractive women 15 odd years younger than himself. He's not in his prime anymore regardless of what he thinks but your giving him every reason to think that hes still the man.

Little Acorn

gossipgal08 wrote: »

This is what I thought when reading your post.
The two of you get on well and like sleeping together. You wanted more he told you he did not. You contuine to sleep with him therefore you are ok the the relationship as it is. He is treating you the way he thinks women like to be treated in order to keep you happy.

If he wanted to be in a relationship with you he would make sure you knew that the two of you were in a relationship and exclusive.

He is sending mixed messages and giving false hope to keep you sleeping with him.

He is doing this because you are letting him

Exactly. He was completely honest and told you straight out that he did not want a relationship, you can't get much clearer. Now unless that he has told you that he's changed his mind, then you have to assume that he still feels exactly the same way.
I do think that he's wrong to be leading you on this way if he thinks that your looking for a relationship with him, but perhaps as ye are gone back to the way things were, he thinks that you've changed your mind about things,and just want to be casual now or whatever.
I mean what else could he think? He said he didn't want a relationship, you said you were not happy with this and didn't even want to be friends, but awhile later you have gotten back to seeing each other casually-so there's a good chance he thinks you've gone back to the same wavelength as himself.

I can easily see why you think that there might be some chance of a relationship, because his actions and the way he treats and txts you etc. are very misleading, and I too would probably be confused.
But I think this is one rare example of where actions do NOT speak louder than words. The words in this situation ring out very loud and clear, "I do not want a relationship".
When you left him the first time, he didn't run to you saying "ok, I've changed my mind, and we'll give the exclusive relationship thing a go"--if he had wanted you as a girlfriend he would have.

You need to stop playing along with this situation pretending you are happy with it, because you could spend many, many years thinking that one day it'll be like the movies, and he'll "come around" and decide that actually he's in love with you and wants to only be with you, but you could easily be waiting for something that is never going to happen, and at the same time be wasting your life and love on someone who doesn't feel the same way.
The longer you stay in this situation, the more you are going to eat away at your own confidence, and get more and more bitter and resentful towards him.

I think you need to make a clean break from this situation, and tell him clearly and calmly why. Tell him that your wishes to have a relationship have not changed, and that therefore you know it would be best for you to get away from this limbo situation you're in, so that you have the chance of meeting someone who wants the same things as you.
I don't think you should get crazy angry with him, because if you do he'll just pull the get out of jail card that he was honest with you and therefore couldn't possibly have lead you on.
If he really is such a nice guy as you say he is, then he will completely respect your decision and stop with the confusing signals. If he tries to keep charming you into sleeping with him with no commitment when he knows that commitment is what you want, then you will have definite proof that he is using you.

If he ever changes his mind, then I'm sure he'll let you know, and ye can decide where to go from there. But you should definitely not be hanging around waiting for him to change his mind, because it's only yourself that you are hurting. You need to believe that you deserve better, and find the strength to break away from this.
Good luck, and hope things start working out for you.

gossipgal08

Is he really leading her on? He made it clear what he wanted. My friend has a Fu*k buddy and he is affectionate to her when they are 'on'. In fact he has treated her better than several boyfriend. He enjoys sleeping with her and is going to be as nice to her as he needs to be to keep the sex coming. He is giving her the emotional stuff she wants to keep getting the sex he wants

OP I am sympathetic and infact in love with a guy who does not seem to return my feelings.

Distorted

If he wanted to be in a relationship, he would be. He is old enough, there are no real barriers to it. He just doesn't want to be. He is being nice to you to string you along for his own entertainment. He is leading you on because although his words say one thing, his actions say another. You are mistaking him for a decent guy. He is a player.

I have to admit I am a bit biasd against older men. I tend to think you are very lucky if you meet one that isn't divorced with issues or single with committment issues. I think a lot of them deliberately target younger women because they are more gullible or naive or vulnerable than women their own age. From the way you describe your situation, you are a bit vulnerable right now and he is playing you perfectly. Unfortunately you are so infatuated with him you can't see it and I hope you don't lose too many years of your thirties going round in circles like this until you get fed up with him and see the truth (as you will one day). You are being pathetically grateful for the tiniest crumbs of affection that would be normal and far more numerous in any loving satisfying relationship.

Oh and by the way, even you can see he behaves like an utter creep, although you try to excuse it. He knows from experience exactly the type of lines to spin and obviously titilates himself by going slightly too far over the risque line. He is pushing your boundaries of what is reasonable and decent ever further by going over this line repeatedly. What a revolting old creep, sleeping naked on the sofa like that when he knew you would be coming in. What kind of man does that? He couldn't even make his it to his own bedroom? The pour soul.

magneticimpulse

OP, I have a male friend exactly like him. This guy is in his mid 40's and always has women infatuated with him.

Your love interest is experienced with women, he knows every trick in the book. He knows how to pull out all the moves, which a 20 something year old would not know about. I dont doubt that he likes you...but thats it. He likes you, but i imagine he has a thing for women in general. He will never commit to anyone, he will never marry or have children. He might never even have a long term relationship. These men do exist. Not every man want to settle down, get married and live happy ever after.

Some men love the thrill, the same thrill they got in their 20s and they will never grow old of it. He is a George Clooney at heart. He just loves women. And yeah he might like you now, but you wont be walking down the aisle with him.

So you have a choice. You can enjoy your George Clooney for a few months, or you have to decide that you want more from a relationship. That you want something more serious.

LegacyUser

Help_me_out_here wrote: »

I gota n email saying he was having a lot of trouble in his life right now with a job he hates living in a country he hates (I knew these were both serious issues for him) and he wasn´t sure if he´d even be in the country the following year and he´s not thinking about a relationship right now. We met up that night and he clarified that it wasn´t the woman, it was the situation. He wasn´t in a place in his life to have a relationship and I told him I couldnt´be his friend never mind his “feck buddy”.

there you have your answer. he has told you he doesn't want a relationship. unfortunately you are just going to have to accept this and move on. you can question the male psyche all you want but that isn't going to change your current situation. this type of behaviour isn't limited to men, women lead guys on all the time. we all can have our hearts broken no matter what age we are.

you sound like a good person and i am sure some guy will be really lucky to be with you! this might not be what you want to hear right now but it is true. take the pain and move on.

freakmagnet

I find it strange that so many people are so affronted of men who won't 'commit' or men who don't have a long term partner in their forties! Its personal choice people; some people do not have the need or want to be in a 'committed' relationship. The next question then might be, why does he act out the role of a boyfriend when he knows she wants 'more'? Well, i'm not sure that he does really know. She has only really said it to him once in an email, and there after, everything she has said and done has indicated something different - sorry OP, don't mean to refer to you as 'she' all the time.

For instance, i'm far from a player - I've below average looks and i don't think anyone would describe me as a 'catch'. However, i was seeing a girl on a FB basis for a while. It seemed liked the perfect FB situation - from both our perspective. From my perspective, I've absolutely no interest in a relationship, no interest in settling down in suburbia or any other other more palatable versions of same. Its a personal choice not to be in a relationship - some people don't like them - it doesn't automatically make the person immature (as so many posters suggested). So it was all fine.. until... i got an email from her saying that she liked me more, and wanted to become more. I was totally shocked! I'm an affectionate guy, so i would have done many of the things that OP's guy had done (bar the soft kisses and smiles when she is sleeping - that would be nether mine or my FBs style) - but i would have been affectionate - and we certainly had a GREAT friendship, - but to me the sex was separate. As i say, when she sent me the e-amil i was was absolutely shocked.. and i began to examine if i had given her mixed signals.. and yeah, unwittingly, i guess i did. (However, she was the one more adamant about keeping things on a FB level at the very beginning - i accepted this at the very beginning, and thereafter let my guard down, was open, and affectionate - always, safe, or so i though, in the knowledge that we both wanted the same thing). So after that we had no contact for a while.. and then, over a period, she convinced me that she had just got confused about the direction it was heading - that she was completely over it - and we did end up sleeping together for another while. It was such an easy thing to fall back into - i was really aware that there was now greater responsibility on me for her feelings.. as i knew, that i was now on notice of her feelings. And then her feelings reared their head again - and i felt awful for letting it all evolve again - because its not as if i was clueless that there was the potential for this to happen again. But life happens like that...

Anyway, my point is - is that i thought of the sex and the friendship as separate - and she assured me (before the first revelation) that she was of that way of thinking too. Because of the assurance i felt really comfortable around her, we talked about everything, i was affectionate, we'd email etc - (probably not as luvy duvy as the OP's story - but we certainly had huge interest in each other's lives); and as i say, i was bowled over when she said she had feelings for me! I mean, i know it might seem ludrcious, but i was in total shock! All she had said, and all the signs were, was that wanted the exact same as me... I was flabbergasted. Now, obviously when we started sleeping together again after the first revelation - thats a different story - and i'm not faultless there by any means, but the first time i couldn't get my had around it - and began to look at all the affectionate things i had done in a new light. So, you don't have to be a 'player' or a horrid commitment-phobe to send out the wrong signals - particularly when the other person appears to be totally happy with the status que (as the OP was for the most part). You could just be a nice, affectionate guy who is a good friend who has zero interest in relationship, and who, because of that zero interest, doesn't even pick up when others have that interest. And thats a possible explanation for what happened here (particularly before the OP sent the email) - it might not be anything as dramatic as Casanova... he could be a guy who doesn't get relationship and so, doesn't get when someone is angling towards one. On the other hand, he could be married! Honestly though, he doesn't have to be a villain, he could be just a guy who is happy with a less commitment focused relationship.

By the way, after a time out period, i remain great friends with the person in my story - and am really glad of it.

fungun

Most of it I could buy in terms of him having feelings for you but:

I gota n email saying he was having a lot of trouble in his life right now with a job he hates living in a country he hates (I knew these were both serious issues for him) and he wasn´t sure if he´d even be in the country the following year and he´s not thinking about a relationship right now. We met up that night and he clarified that it wasn´t the woman, it was the situation. He wasn´t in a place in his life to have a relationship and I told him I couldnt´be his friend never mind his “feck buddy”.

Im sorry, but read this again and again and try to understand it. He says he doesnt want a reln with you. He has the reasons he has come up with, but the point is he doesnt want a reln with you.
For me, the right woman would change 'the situation'.

Im not sure he is a total player, Id say he likes you, likes having you, but does not feel enough to commit. And tbh the 'time for myself' bit...well...hmmm. If he hasnt committed to exclusivity Id be suspicious. And nervous that he could walk away at any time.

If I was you, Id want more than he is offering.

Distorted

freakmagnet wrote: »

I find it strange that so many people are so affronted of men who won't 'commit' or men who don't have a long term partner in their forties! Its personal choice people; some people do not have the need or want to be in a 'committed' relationship.

I don't think anyone cares that much, its just that when they inflict themselves on people who do want a relationship and lead them on by their actions, when thinking their words excuse their actions. The general human trend is I think towards normality and having genuine, non-cynical feelings and therefore settling down with a long term partner, most people want that security, and to act all astonished and surprised when they are having sex regularly with a younger woman (and it is generally a younger woman) is a bit faux-naive and more to do with their vanity I think. (you can see I'm not really taken in by it).

freakmagnet wrote: »

For instance, i'm far from a player - I've below average looks and i don't think anyone would describe me as a 'catch'.

Typical player comment - "look at me, I'm nothing special (read "I'm different from the rest, I'm more genuine").

freakmagnet wrote: »

until... i got an email from her saying that she liked me more, and wanted to become more. I was totally shocked!

freakmagnet wrote: »

As i say, when she sent me the e-amil i was was absolutely shocked.. and i began to examine if i had given her mixed signals.. and yeah, unwittingly, i guess i did. (However, she was the one more adamant about keeping things on a FB level at the very beginning - i accepted this at the very beginning, and thereafter let my guard down, was open, and affectionate - always, safe, or so i though, in the knowledge that we both wanted the same thing). So after that we had no contact for a while.. and then, over a period, she convinced me that she had just got confused about the direction it was heading - that she was completely over it - and we did end up sleeping together for another while. It was such an easy thing to fall back into - i was really aware that there was now greater responsibility on me for her feelings.. as i knew, that i was now on notice of her feelings. And then her feelings reared their head again - and i felt awful for letting it all evolve again -
Anyway, my point is - is that i thought of the sex and the friendship as separate - and she assured me (before the first revelation) that she was of that way of thinking too. Because of the assurance i felt really comfortable around her, we talked about everything, i was affectionate, we'd email etc - (probably not as luvy duvy as the OP's story - but we certainly had huge interest in each other's lives); and as i say, i was bowled over when she said she had feelings for me! I mean, i know it might seem ludrcious, but i was in total shock! All she had said, and all the signs were, was that wanted the exact same as me... I was flabbergasted. Now, obviously when we started sleeping together again after the first revelation - thats a different story - and i'm not faultless there by any means, but the first time i couldn't get my had around it - and began to look at all the affectionate things i had done in a new light.

So you're like how old - in your forties, and you haven't worked out that sleeping with a younger girl regularly might cause her to develop deeper feelings for you? Really? I'd understand it if you were 18, but mid forties - methinks you doth protest so much. Particularly when it sounds like its happened before. Mind you, she convinced you to sleep with her again, so it can hardly be your responsibility. (reminds me a bit of the OP's man's clothes just falling off him so that he had to lie naked on the sofa when she came in).

OP - my advice to you is to go for a younger man, (there are plenty of decent ones about) with a less cynical approach to life, that you can enjoy having fun with, with the hope of something at the end of it if it works out for you both. And avoid the wrinkles too! Don't let someone use you just for sex. It doesn't sound like you're comfortable with that idea at all.

Memnoch

I don't understand this. The guy has made it clear he is not looking for a relationship. So why is he being demonised as a player etc.

Also use of charged terms like "using for sex."

Two people have sex with each other by consent. The guy has made it clear he doesn't want any more commitment than what he's already given. If the OP is unhappy with the situation or with the terms offered she doesn't have to and shouldn't have sex with him.

Bad form to demonise someone who's been pretty honest about what he's willing to do as far as commitment goes.

Eve_Dublin

Hey guys....I´m the OP!! I´m a regular enough poster up here and I´m not sure why I´m hiding my identity actually...I´ve nothing to be ashamed of here. I´m going to take your advice people and I actually haven´t been in touch with him in over a week. I haven´t responded to any of his emails or texts and I have to say, I´m feeling much better now that I have the strength to do that. I don´t feel so pathetic anymore. I just needed a kick up the arse and for you guys to say state the bleedin´obvious to me because I´m living here in Spain and I guess the friends I have here say what I want to hear. I´ve given advice over the past few years to posters here but I guess it´s different when you´re in the situation yourself and it´s hard to see the wood for the trees. I´ve posted here how much I like this guy in the past and and I still do. I still believe he´s a decent guy but as someone said, is a typical ladies man (he´s Argentinian...I spent 5 months there...they all are!). There´s no doubt that he lead me to believe there was something more beyond Fbs in the first 5 months, so I´m really not going to beat myself up over it. I´ve been around the block myself and I know the craic but when someone says they don´t want a relationship, you have to take their word for it. I was going through a rough time at the start of this month with my finances, living situation, hormones ( I get the PMS blues big time) and job security and I guess I felt I needed a person to give me a bit of a hug and be nice to me. I moved over here a year ago on my own and most of my friends here are in relationships or the ones that aren´t are the ones I go out with for a pint with at weekends...I was vulnerable and needed someone. My situation is better now and I´m feeling stronger overall.

Just one last bit of advice...what should I say to him? I don´t just want to cut contact without explaining myself and I want to leave things amicably. He´s not a bad person, just a bit of a cad (haha). I´ve been a bit of a cadette myself in the past (although not to this extent) so I can´t pretend I don´t know what this guy is thinking: he´s thinking with his dick and not his conscience. I´ve done it myself (not my dick, my lady bits).

I´ve given up plenty of things that have been bad for me in the past (smoking 8 months ago for one!) so I know I can do this. I´m a strong woman but I act like an idiot when I like a man. You live and learn.

I really, really appreciate all of your honest advice here guys. You´ve been great and you´ve given me the kick up the bum I needed. I hope I can do the same for you in the future.

freakmagnet

Hi Distorted,

Firstly, i think you are being very cynical. In fact, at the time (couple of years ago) i was in my late twenties, and the person in my story was five years older than me.

I think you 'typical player comment' is very cynical; I've no reason to lie - why would i? I'm not a good looking man by any accounts and have never been a 'hit' with women - i feel strange even having to explain that, again, why would i have said it if it wasn't true? Its effectively an anonymous forum, if i felt i was fulfilling the role of a 'player', i would have just said that. I was in fact saying, i was NOT that - and as i say, i've no reason to lie.

Furthermore, i find you view on older men/ younger women interactions archaic and sexist. It presupposes that younger women are vulnerable and putty in the hands of an older man. It portrays the OP as belonging to some sort of victim class; and i totally disagree with that line of thinking. This power imbalance might be in existence if the age groups were differnt - say a teenage or twenty something female and a much older man, but that doesn't appear to be the case here.

I was merely out ling a series of events which might give a differnt take - and might explain that not all people have an interest in a traditional long term monogamous relationships - and that person may not be a player or out to mess around the other person. Your complete misrepresentation of my genuine post i find quite offensive. And thats what is is, a complete misrepresentation. I'm quite simply astounded by your comments.

gossipgal08

Its not what you say as much as what you do. Tell him you are developing feelings for him and you think it would be best to stop sleeping together. And then stop sleeping with him.

Eve_Dublin

gossipgal08 wrote: »

Its not what you say as much as what you do. Tell him you are developing feelings for him and you think it would be best to stop sleeping together. And then stop sleeping with him.

I plan to.

Listen, I´m not some dumb, naive 18 year old, I´m a 30 year old woman who has been around the block herself. There´s a big age gap but I´m not a youngster anymore. This guy most definitely gave the impression he wanted more than just your standard FB relationship BEFORE we had the conversation. We spent a lot of time together and most of the time wsn´t spent bonking. There´s unspoken rules involved in an FB relationship...I was in involved in one last year and as soon as I found out the guy wanted more, I ended it completely. Now once again, I still believe this man is essentially a good person but he knows the power he has, he´s used to getting the ladies and he took advantage of that. After we met up the night of the day I sent the email, he told me in his defence he got the impression I didn´t want more because I was reserved around him outside of the bed....(THE FOLLOWING BIT IS IMPORTANT, btw)----

..about three months ago we had our one and only disagreement...he accused me of being cold with him when he wanted to snuggle on the couch watching a DVD or whatever...he got pissed off. He told me I gave the impression I didn´t like him by being like that (I was hanging out to see what the craic was with us before I let my guard down..I´m 30 and thus have had my heart broken...it won´t happen again). I´m neither guillble nor stupid nor naive but what message would that give you guys??? How could you take it for anything else but "this guy likes me and is frustrated I won´t let my guard down". Call me stupid for believing this but I don´t think I was, even in hidnsight with a clearer head.

The fact of the matter is, if he was straight with me and told me he just wanted sex, I would´ve gone with that idea. It´s the very fact that he was so nice to me and so charming that made me begin to fall for him. He should have been honest from the get go and realised what he was doing.

I am a friend

Latinos in general are seen to be more tactile, demonstrative and flirtatious than their northern hemisphere counterparts... I think its a cultural issue as well as the rest... He was acting normally (to him). Because we are typically not as demonstrative up here, you thought it was romantic or loving, wheras it was just touching to him. He is also living away from home and of course enjoyed the company too but he said he didnt want a relationship but you didnt listen - so you have no right to be annoyed with him.

Eve_Dublin

I am a friend wrote: »

Latinos in general are seen to be more tactile, demonstrative and flirtatious than their northern hemisphere counterparts... I think its a cultural issue as well as the rest... He was acting normally (to him). Because we are typically not as demonstrative up here, you thought it was romantic or loving, wheras it was just touching to him. He is also living away from home and of course enjoyed the company too but he said he didnt want a relationship but you didnt listen - so you have no right to be annoyed with him.

You need to read my posts.

blackbird98

I think that everybody is being a bit hard on the guy. He has issues with his job and location, and is reluctant to get too deep into a relationship because he doesn't know where he is going to be in a years time. He obviously cares a lot for the OP, so maybe he is afraid of breaking her, or even his own heart, if he has to move away.

I don't see the age difference as a factor, so I think it is worth talking about the relationship prospects for the future.

Maybe try to find out what his issues regarding job and location are, then try to come up with a solution that works for both of you

Little Acorn

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

Hey guys....I´m the OP!! I´m a regular enough poster up here and I´m not sure why I´m hiding my identity actually...I´ve nothing to be ashamed of here. I´m going to take your advice people and I actually haven´t been in touch with him in over a week. I haven´t responded to any of his emails or texts and I have to say, I´m feeling much better now that I have the strength to do that. I don´t feel so pathetic anymore. I just needed a kick up the arse and for you guys to say state the bleedin´obvious to me because I´m living here in Spain and I guess the friends I have here say what I want to hear. I´ve given advice over the past few years to posters here but I guess it´s different when you´re in the situation yourself and it´s hard to see the wood for the trees. I´ve posted here how much I like this guy in the past and and I still do. I still believe he´s a decent guy but as someone said, is a typical ladies man (he´s Argentinian...I spent 5 months there...they all are!). There´s no doubt that he lead me to believe there was something more beyond Fbs in the first 5 months, so I´m really not going to beat myself up over it. I´ve been around the block myself and I know the craic but when someone says they don´t want a relationship, you have to take their word for it. I was going through a rough time at the start of this month with my finances, living situation, hormones ( I get the PMS blues big time) and job security and I guess I felt I needed a person to give me a bit of a hug and be nice to me. I moved over here a year ago on my own and most of my friends here are in relationships or the ones that aren´t are the ones I go out with for a pint with at weekends...I was vulnerable and needed someone. My situation is better now and I´m feeling stronger overall.

Just one last bit of advice...what should I say to him? I don´t just want to cut contact without explaining myself and I want to leave things amicably. He´s not a bad person, just a bit of a cad (haha). I´ve been a bit of a cadette myself in the past (although not to this extent) so I can´t pretend I don´t know what this guy is thinking: he´s thinking with his dick and not his conscience. I´ve done it myself (not my dick, my lady bits).

I´ve given up plenty of things that have been bad for me in the past (smoking 8 months ago for one!) so I know I can do this. I´m a strong woman but I act like an idiot when I like a man. You live and learn.

I really, really appreciate all of your honest advice here guys. You´ve been great and you´ve given me the kick up the bum I needed. I hope I can do the same for you in the future.

I'm glad you are feeling stronger and ended the situation now, because you could have ended up getting very hurt again. You weren't stupid at all to think that there was something more between ye to start with. Anybody would have thought/felt the same way because of how he was acting with you. The only mistake was going back to him after he said he didn't want a relationship, but you sound like you were in a very vulnerable place at that time, and I suppose these things just happen sometimes.

I think this could be ended amicably like you wish, by just being honest with him. You could say that you've enjoyed the fun times that ye have had together etc., but that you just feel it's time to move on from the situation, as ye are both looking for different things relationship wise. You said he is a nice guy, so if he is then he will accept this and respect your decision. You could still remain friends, but if you have really strong feelings for him, this could be very difficult, and ye could just end up back in the same situation., so it might help to remain friends but not see each other for a good while, until your head is cleared.

gossipgal08

Eve I dont see you as a dumb, naive 18 year old at all. Tbh I dont think the age gap is that big a deal if you both want the same thing. I am at the 30 mark (hence old enough to know better) and 'in love' with a guy like I'm 12. And so I understand that when one devolopes feelings for a person you dont allways think clearly.

seenitall

Sorry to read about the "Argie" situation, Eve

I don't think there is much to be gained by trying to guess what might be going through this guy's head. It's water under the bridge as far as any hopes of a relationship are concerned, as you have already established he is not exactly beneficial to your peace of mind anyway.

You know the score. Plenty more fish in the sea. As to what to tell him, if you really feel he is a decent person, that should be easy then. You should feel trusting enough to tell him the truth of what happened and wrap it up that way.

Best wishes!

Distorted

freakmagnet wrote: »

Firstly, i think you are being very cynical. In fact, at the time (couple of years ago) i was in my late twenties, and the person in my story was five years older than me.

Its because I've had so many of that type trying to hit on me and I can't be bothered with them.

freakmagnet wrote: »

I'm quite simply astounded by your comments.

Seems to be your permanent state of being!

Wibbs

What do you want? More to the point, what do you need? Is he giving you that? If not why are you still in flux with him?

Too often we look at what people give us and not what they take from us, or worse what we think they'll give in the template in our head, but never will. Usually it's sexual as far as what they give us in the start. That need that makes us crazy. Step back and look to the mundane crap, The stuff of everyday and how he makes it more than everyday for you or not. Because the quality of that is what you'll be left with once the knicker elastic remains unbroken more than it's not. IMHO anything else is pretty much superfluous and as such transitory. What's germane is how much someone gives you answers, not how much they question yourself or them.

People will often ask "what is love?". For me it's simple. Acceptance and growth. Acceptance of yourself and your partner and the true growth that comes from that. That realisation that someone accepts you with little reticence and you know that you don't have to edit yourself as much anymore. That's what people mean when they say "I just knew". If you're asking one too many questions, then that's not there as much as it should be.

My 3 cents anyway.

Eve_Dublin

What do you want? More to the point, what do you need? Is he giving you that? If not why are you still in flux with him?

I haven´t been in touch with him for about 10 days now. I´ve no responded to his emails or texts but I am going to set the record straight in the next week. It´s definitely over. I guess I was in the flux with him because I´ve had a rough month...wasn´t the best timing for it to fall apart.

The stuff of everyday and how he makes it more than everyday for you or not. Because the quality of that is what you'll be left with once the knicker elastic remains unbroken more than it's not. IMHO anything else is pretty much superfluous and as such transitory. What's germane is how much someone gives you answers, not how much they question yourself or them

For me it was most DEFINITELY more than just sex. We got along fantastically well. When we lived together we´d have 8 hour long conversations most nights, we just clicked...we got each other...this is before anything physical happened between us and as I said in another post, we spent a lot of time together and most of it wasn´t bonking. I just thought I´d hit the jackpot with a guy who I fancied AND was a friend. Hard to come by. I really liked myself around him...he brought out the very best in me and I think that was the case for him too. I can´t say that for all the guys I´ve ever gone out with. I´m not buying into people´s opinions here that he was some sleazy auld fella trying to get his wicked way with me...we started out as friends and I really hope it ends out that way as well. Not sure if it will though because of how I feel.

I´m mainly disappointed that I might not be able to have this guy in my life anymore (I´m talking platonically here). Someone commented on the fact that I´d no right to be angry with him...I´m not angry with him...frustrated, disappointed, despair and just sad describe my emotions. I read the situation wrong but I don´t blame him or myself for that. All you can do is learn and move on. Perhaps I´ll find a nice Spanish man who doesn´t live with their mother before the year is out!