Preserved

LegacyUser

Hey Everyone, hope you have some ideas to bounce back.

Today marks the first day of Autumn, so that makes me really happy, and hopefully everyone else too.

Anyway,

Since about 2007, I've been stuck in this sort of haze. I think a big part of it is that I had weird things going on in my life in grade 11 (2007) and since then I've been changed and/or snapped into something. In those years I tried to take my own sibling's significant other without them knowing (but DEFINITELY suspecting (we don't feel like siblings anymore)) (I also don't have any feelings remaining for this person), I punched my dad for the first time on Christmas, and a bunch of other Shakespeare-like betrayals and **** that just got me down. I am the youngest of 5, and I'm close to only one other person in my family because everyone else has nutty stuff too (example of my three sisters, one often threatened to kill us all in our sleep. I couldn't sleep for about a year).

But anyway, I've always been a day dreamer. I will sometimes sit and stare for so long just thinking about anything. But the thoughts and memories that cross my mind are mostly older one's, and also, very often even older one's - not even my own. I always go for huge hikes and love being outside, but the whole time I'll be looking at a few leftover planks from an old tree fort and going through countless faces of people and things that happened in that fort and so on. I will, instead of snapping of my daze and going on with my day, hike further in search of more places where/when things may have...happened? I don't know. I'll go to a spot, and then stare at little bits of it for up to an hour, before moving on to another (certain spots get more time). I'll speculate as to whether two people made love there or someone was murdered; Regrets and broken hearts; new teenage angst in these places years after mine; general time periods for each spot, different clothing worn depending on time; but sometimes what treasures can be found there! I get absolutely exhausted sometimes. You show me a thimble and I'll show you a relic. I'm not a hoarder or even a collector by any standard. I am employed, but I think I should be working more or so my parents say. But I don't want to. I want to observe old things. I love antique places and flea markets SO much. Just because the stuff is old, and has seen other lives, potentially those who I imagine. That's what I do on my days off. And I have too many days off. But I LOVE doing it, that's what I don't get.

All I want to do deep down is wander and make music and other art like I have for the past few years, but I feel like that will only keep me here. Which is OK and NOT OK.

Physically it hasn't changed me much, other than the feeling I get from the nostalgia. I usually have this feeling, about 10 times a day, where I feel completely moved, sometimes but not often to tears. In these short periods of time (which feel similar to (but waaaay deeper than) that sinking in your chest associated with love among other things), usually after a sensual trigger like seeing something, smelling something, etc, I can feel completely fascinated and in awe of everything but at the same time feel completely hopeless. I'm trying my hardest to make sense of this. I'm not the best writer.

I feel like I want/miss something so bad (I think it's youth) and am haunted by nostalgia; time, stories, people, places, objects and so on.

This is not allowing me to move forward in life. I love what this issue is doing for me emotionally and in terms of inspiration, but I fear that I may be in it for longer.

Am I just afraid to grow up/ move on from the same home I've lived in for all my 20 years of life?

Full moon, going for a walk.

Thanks everyone for any ideas.

LegacyUser

Hey buddy I think what you described as wanting youth is probably your safest bet on this one. A lot of people go through a similar phase. At one time I only sat around and thought too. You will one day snap from it, move on in life, and still keep the heart bud. Your sentiment and everything will stay with you.

I'm assuming that anything physical between you and your family is just defensive. You sound a little more sincere than the type who just pick fights for the fun of it.

Hope I've been a help buddy!