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He doesn't want anyone to know ever...

  • 23-09-2010 03:47AM
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭


    Started seeing a guy two weeks ago, he is exactly my type and we both like each other alot. He is bi and I am gay. We are also both in our early twenties and from rural ireland. He is adamant that he will never tell anyone about our relationship ever and doesn't think he will ever come out while I think I will come out in the future as I really don't give a fiddlers about what people think about me. He is just so concerned about people and where we meet and all he ever says is 'oh hope nobody sees us' when we are together. It doesn't feel right, don't know if I can continue like this?


Comments

  • #2
    deirdre_dub
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,229 ✭✭✭deirdre_dub


    wattodo wrote: »
    Started seeing a guy two weeks ago, he is exactly my type and we both like each other alot. He is bi and I am gay. We are also both in our early twenties and from rural ireland. He is adamant that he will never tell anyone about our relationship ever and doesn't think he will ever come out while I think I will come out in the future as I really don't give a fiddlers about what people think about me. He is just so concerned about people and where we meet and all he ever says is 'oh hope nobody sees us' when we are together. It doesn't feel right, don't know if I can continue like this?
    Did you ever go through a period of "I hope no-one finds out I'm gay"?

    If so, then all you need to do is to remember that he is going through the same thing regarding his bisexuality. Also, whereas you are both from rural Ireland, that doesn't mean that his coming out will be the same as yours - he may come from a particularly conservative area, and/or there may be some people in his locality that he is particularly concerned about.

    If not - if you've never suffered from internalised homophobia - then things are going to be a bit more difficult for you. The good news is that he doesn't "think" he is ever going to come out - which sounds like he hasn't closed the door on the idea altogether. But it will be a difficult, slow process, and it might, actually, never happen.

    Are there any particularly accepting straight friends you have that you might introduce him to? I'm thinking of the kind of straight friends where sexuality just isn't an issue - friends that you can talk to about your boyfriends just as they can talk about their partners? I suspect it would be particularly helpful if you could introduce him to accepting male friends. Make sure it is as safe as possible for him - meet in a gay bar, and make sure as far as possible that there is no way your friend could know his friends or colleagues.


  • #3
    ninty9er
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,366 ✭✭✭ninty9er


    This is the first time I've posted logged in here. I went through a simialr phase as the guy you're seeing. Give him time and don't force him on it, eventually he'll come to terms with it himself, but in his own time.


  • #4
    Annasopra
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 41,220 ✭✭✭✭Annasopra


    ninty9er wrote: »
    This is the first time I've posted logged in here. I went through a simialr phase as the guy you're seeing. Give him time and don't force him on it, eventually he'll come to terms with it himself, but in his own time.

    I'd agree that the OP should give him some time but not too much time

    It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things.

    Terry Pratchet



  • #5
    SirPeter
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 39 ✭SirPeter


    Johnnymcg wrote: »
    I'd agree that the OP should give him some time but not too much time

    This is by far the most sensible advice here. I've seen guys like him take 20 years to come out, and more. Some never come out, get married, and want to live a double life, outwardly pretending to me straight , and secretly having either a secret boyfriend or a string of "no strings" casual encounters.

    Ask yourself how he can be your "type" if he can never acknowledge your relationship?

    Ask him why you should stay with him if he says he can never acknowledge your relationship?

    What you have to do is make your decision for yourself, and not wait about for someone until they are able to make up their own minds. Make it clear to him that you have feelings, but are not prepared to be kept in limbo while he makes up his mind about himself.

    If he eventually does make up his mind, then there is no reason you can't start all over again, so long as you have not met someone wonderful in the meantime.


  • #6
    Eebs
    Closed Accounts Posts: 259 ✭✭Eebs


    Yeah I think Johnnymcg has given the best advice. Do give him some time but don't wait forever. If this is a deal breaker for you then you need to think carefully about your decision here.


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