Anti-social housemate

gudbuzz

I'm living as a landlord in a house-share situation. while I enjoy living with two out of my three housemates I'm not mad keen on one, she keeps herself to herself very much so to the point of being anti social never says hello or goodbye in her room on her own all the time when shes here, and goes home for a week or two at a time to her family quite often. shes from the north and am beginning to suspect that shes not actually looking for a job at all as shes practically up there all the time and is recieving the dole here, am I being unfair by jumping to the conclusion that shes just here to milk the dole system in the south? I almost feel like she doesnt actually like us although she seems to like living here?! the house used to be really buzzy and sociable but since shes moved in no one seems to hang out anymore, may just a coincidence but its getting on my nerves a bit she also never cleans has no job and uses everyone elses detergent etc. shes been 2.5weeks late with last months rent. can i or even should i ask her to leave? i dont want to be mean but at the same time hate the atmosphere here... One of my other housemates thinks she must be depressed as she is always in her room but i honestly dont think thats the case, the other housemate just says shes not really her cup of tea but that shes alright. so basically nobody hates her but nobody particularly enjoys living with her. am wondering if ive just been spoiled in the past with amazing housemates and that it would be mean to say anything to her... any comments?

Roro4Brit

She pays to rent a room, not friends. The social habits of your housemate are none of your business once she is not breaking the law/lease agreement on your property. You can't evict her becuase you don't like the fact that she's independent and has no interest in being your friend.

If she hasn't paid her rent, I'd give her one weeks grace then I'd be on top of her like a tonne of bricks.

If she is scamming from the state then hang her. Report her on suspected welfare fraud, they'll look into it.

gudbuzz

yea fair point your right on the room/friends thing. i suppose we have it quite lucky as it feels like there are less people living here than there are. I couldnt do that to her re: the dole as I have no proof or right to report her when she could be doing her best for all i know to get a job. she knows i was annoyed about the rent so doubt she'l do it again.

axel rose

Yea, you are a bit mean to her. You never stipulated that she HAD to join in on the house fun and antics. Maybe the girl is shy. Have YOU done anything to make her feel at home OP?

You may have been lucky with your past tenents and she may be a bit of a buzzkill, but I didnt read in your post that you did anything to draw her out of her shell.

Regarding the late rent and using others products, say something to her. Try discussing with her how her jobhunting is going too. This time it's up to you to help create a nice atmosphere in the house.

Sardonicat

It sounds to me like she's depressed. Just because she is on the dole does not mean she is scamming!

Was she working/studying here and lost her job/couldn't find work or has she moved down recently?

If it is the former then I think it is unlikely she is scamming. Also, staying in your room all day isn't fun for anyone. She's hardly making a fortune and going out having a ball, is she? If she was I'd be more inclined to think she was milking the state.

It's very easy to get stuck in a rut when you are unemployed. BTW, she could be applying for jobs online. That is generally the way it's done now, so just because you don't see her "going out and looking" for a job doesn't mean she isn't.

By any chance, was her rent allowance up for review? That may explain why she was late. Of course, she should have told you if it was.

But just because this girl keeps herself to herself don't presume she is up to no good.

gudbuzz

ok i take all your points i will try to be more considerate and forget about it!

HardyEustace

gudbuzz, everyone here has given good advice.

However, what people often forget or don't understand is the strain of living with someone like that.

Funnily enough about a month or two ago, I was in a very similar situation. There were a few other issues as well but the crux of the matter was that everyone felt very uncomfortable in the house. Anyway, I was on the verge of asking them to leave when they handed in their notice.

The difference when they left was unbelievable. I didn't realise how much of a strain it was living with them until they were gone. The house is so much nicer and everyone is so much more relaxed.

I would actually give her notice and get someone else to move in. At the end of the day it doesn't sound like it's the ideal situation for her or for you. It's a massive strain to live with someone like that and to have that feeling of dread when you're putting your key into you own door is HORRIBLE.

I'm sure there are lots of people who would like to live in a nice social house. And no, it's not just your imagination - if you've someone who just won't engage with people and spends all their time in their room it has a massive effect on the house. I couldn't believe how much until after the tenant I had was gone.

At the end of the day, it's your home place, your little sanctuary and it's the same for your other tenants so do yourself a favour and get a more suitable tenant in.

Merch

Roro4Brit wrote: »

She pays to rent a room, not friends. The social habits of your housemate are none of your business once she is not breaking the law/lease agreement on your property. You can't evict her becuase you don't like the fact that she's independent and has no interest in being your friend.

If she hasn't paid her rent, I'd give her one weeks grace then I'd be on top of her like a tonne of bricks.

If she is scamming from the state then hang her. Report her on suspected welfare fraud, they'll look into it.

Its not a standard lease arrangement, seems like rent a room to me, ie lodger. I lived with people like that and its grand, she had her own tv and watched pretty much what she wanted,just exchanged pleasantry's when we crossed paths. She's an adult!, I hate when people are all over you or try to suggest you should all be best pals, that to me pushes people away.Probably shy or maybe embarrased about not having work and knows it will come up, while its best she keeps trying, I also believe me she may as well give up looking for a job, there are simply none out there.

gudbuzz wrote: »

yea fair point your right on the room/friends thing. i suppose we have it quite lucky as it feels like there are less people living here than there are. I couldnt do that to her re: the dole as I have no proof or right to report her when she could be doing her best for all i know to get a job. she knows i was annoyed about the rent so doubt she'l do it again.

If she isn't scamming then you could open a whole nightmare of pain for her by reporting her unless you are certain, you dont know her circumstances, maybe she has a family problem, relative with health issue, god knows??

HardyEustace wrote: »

gudbuzz, everyone here has given good advice.

However, what people often forget or don't understand is the strain of living with someone like that.

Funnily enough about a month or two ago, I was in a very similar situation. There were a few other issues as well but the crux of the matter was that everyone felt very uncomfortable in the house. Anyway, I was on the verge of asking them to leave when they handed in their notice.

The difference when they left was unbelievable. I didn't realise how much of a strain it was living with them until they were gone. The house is so much nicer and everyone is so much more relaxed.

I would actually give her notice and get someone else to move in. At the end of the day it doesn't sound like it's the ideal situation for her or for you. It's a massive strain to live with someone like that and to have that feeling of dread when you're putting your key into you own door is HORRIBLE.

I'm sure there are lots of people who would like to live in a nice social house. And no, it's not just your imagination - if you've someone who just won't engage with people and spends all their time in their room it has a massive effect on the house. I couldn't believe how much until after the tenant I had was gone.

I would not listen to this person, strain? what strain of dealing with someone that you almost never have to deal with, if you are letting rooms then you cant expect everyone to conform to a parameter you have in your head, people are differant.
I mean perhaps if she woke you up with the sound of a chainsaw starting at night, but not bothering you or anyone else generally (except not including herself) some people just like to be left alone and if she could afford her own place probably would live like that.

OP personally I'd give her a break, if there are consistent rent delays she is probably low on cash but if it starts adding up I'd have a word but be polite and cautious, Id be concerned if I even thought someone was depressed.

At the end of the day, it's your home place, your little sanctuary and it's the same for your other tenants so do yourself a favour and get a more suitable tenant in.

Do not listen to this person, some people are just different, its allowed
I agree its your sanctuary but you have to make certain allowances if you want to rent a few rooms, it is always good to make certain rules clear at the beginning, but you can always iterate them later anyway.
If they are breaking some hard and fast rules on which you cannot compromise like too much noise (as I was expecting when I started reading this and have experienced myself) or smoking if you have expressly said you dont want to then thats up to you but otherwise Id say live and let live

HardyEustace

Merch wrote: »

Do not listen to this person,

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought this was a forum were people offered different opinions based on their views and experiences.... silly me.

RasTa

Kick her out, I've lived with someone like that before and it ruins the house.

MagicMarker

Life's too short. It's your house, do what you want.

HardyEustace

MagicMarker wrote: »

Life's too short. It's your house, do what you want.

MM makes a really good point. I did try and tough it out and follow a lot of the advice that was given here. I know that when you're renting rooms it's not the same as living by yourself. However, there are plenty of nice people to share with that will suit you and your style of living arrangements. I'm just sorry that I didn't get the previous tenant to move sooner. However that said, by them leaving when they did, I've a really nice person in the house who loves the atmosphere and the fact that we'd all have a bit of a chat in the evening and catch up.

I know it wasn't just me as ultimately the other tenant in the house felt exactly the same way as me. Unless you're in a situation where you won't rent the room out easily again and you're really, really stuck for cash then I'd definitely advise changing tenant.

Life really is too short to be miserable in your own home. As I said previously, there are plenty of people who will really enjoy living in a house with a relaxed, chatty, social atmosphere. And despite what some previous posters say - it doesn't mean living in each others pockets. It's just part of being a social person.

claire h

gudbuzz wrote: »

she also never cleans has no job and uses everyone elses detergent etc.

The job thing is not your business. It seems like there's a lot of personal prejudices or assumptions mixed in with some valid reasons. Someone being late with their rent is a problem. Someone who doesn't contribute to the household chores or who uses other people's stuff - that's a problem, and definitely one worth talking to her about. But to kick someone out because they keep to themselves? That's seriously dodgy behaviour. Maybe be a bit more clear next time you're getting someone new in, too.

HardyEustace

claire h wrote: »

But to kick someone out because they keep to themselves? That's seriously dodgy behaviour.

Why is it dodgy? The person doesn't suit the house. The OP will give them sufficient notice and their deposit back once everything is in order. What's so dodgy about that?

The OP is renting a room, not providing a shelter to those in need.

In the same way a tenant is perfectly entitled to give notice, so is a landlord.

Jo King

If you are uncomfortable about her you should take steps to move her out. Be careful that your good tenants do not feel that you have been unfair. They might be afraid that they will be next. If they feel like that, the atmosphere in the house will be difficult. The best thing would be to get agreement from the others before you show her the door.
There is a lot of accommodation available so you need have no worry that you are condemning her to homelessness.

HardyEustace

Jo King wrote: »

If you are uncomfortable about her you should take steps to move her out. Be careful that your good tenants do not feel that you have been unfair. They might be afraid that they will be next. If they feel like that, the atmosphere in the house will be difficult.

Really, really good point.

Jo King wrote: »

The best thing would be to get agreement from the others before you show her the door.

I don't know if I'd necessarily go that far though. However, if she isn't cleaning and is using other people's stuff then I'd say that the other house mates will be glad to see the back of her.

All the OP has to say is that she wasn't working out and that stealing other people's stuff and not pulling your weight isn't acceptable behaviour for the house.

It sounds like the OP has had a few discussions with the other housemates about this situation already.

OS119

HardyEustace wrote: »

All the OP has to say is that she wasn't working out and that stealing other people's stuff and not pulling your weight isn't acceptable behaviour for the house.

It sounds like the OP has had a few discussions with the other housemates about this situation already.

i'd agree with that, i don't think the OP is going to alienate the other people in the house by getting rid of this girl - obviously you need to be a bit delicate about it so people don't think you're an arsehole - but it seems that the other housemates have come to the the OP with issues, so they know the score, and are looking for action.

tenants in shared housing buy into the place as much for the vibe and atmosphere as for the four walls, roof, heating and location - if a another housemate breaks that vibe (and from experience, one housemate in four being a miserable bugger will destroy a previously happy, outgoing and social atmosphere) then eventually tenants will go elsewhere as surely as if the heating wasn't working, or water was pouring through the ceiling.

the girl sounds like she'd be happier in a bedsit, not a shared home.

caroiline

Did ya ever think she might feel freezed out and lonely?

Personnaly i dont like my housemates as they tend to take over the kitchen and sitting room everynite and make it quit clear im not welcome there but i just call to my own friends houses. Ill go to my room most of the time even though i hate being in my room all night just to get some peace.

Darlughda

Being straight and honest is key here.

Having lived with someone like this, it is not pleasant, but nonetheless totally within their rights to live as they wish.

If you don't like it, discuss it. I personally hate this kind of houseshare, but for others its what they want. I reckon this kind of person really wants to live on their own. If so, its not fair of them to maintain that kind of atmosphere in a shared household.

Agree either to a compromise or he/she moving out, and be very clear of what you expect of tenants in the future.

In a shared household, it is not expected to be best mates, but disapearing to your room each night is just not on.

mikemac

It's an old thread, I'd say the OP has long since sorted it.
That girl was unemployed, her confidence was probably on the floor. And when everyone sits around and chats in the evenings, she has little to say or maybe was embarrassed at her situation

Though I've rented with a landlord and was basically expected to live in my room.
Much aggravation if I went to the living room and watched "their" TV or used the "their" oven in the evening when the landlady wanted it

Maybe some landlords want tenants who live in their rooms and go home every weekend.
Most landlords are fine, but some are renting out rooms in their home now due to hard times but make zero effort at all to get on with the tenant,

super_sweeney

i dunno i think u guys are being a bit harsh here. some people are just not socialable and enjoy their own space and time alone. from what i gather. she does not seem to causing any harm other than that she does not participate in the house activities.

her cleanliness does not seem to be a big issue otherwise u would have raised that first.

it just seems like u guys dont click. there are plenty of people out there who do no get along for what ever reason unbeknown to them or anyone else.

i would be just warry that the if you get rid of her you could end up with a lot worse. i am not sure how long she has been there but maybe she just needs to time to warm. i know of someone who lived with someone that was similar that never participated in house activities and was always in their room after like 2 years turned out they just had their own friends and was to busy with their own life and never really thought to get involved in house busines.

i know i see a rented place as a rented place where i rent a room and make food and sleep if iget on with my house mates its big plus but no an essential.

just my opinion

breanach

gudbuzz wrote: »

I'm living as a landlord in a house-share situation. while I enjoy living with two out of my three housemates I'm not mad keen on one, she keeps herself to herself very much so to the point of being anti social never says hello or goodbye in her room on her own all the time when shes here, and goes home for a week or two at a time to her family quite often. shes from the north and am beginning to suspect that shes not actually looking for a job at all as shes practically up there all the time and is recieving the dole here, am I being unfair by jumping to the conclusion that shes just here to milk the dole system in the south? I almost feel like she doesnt actually like us although she seems to like living here?! the house used to be really buzzy and sociable but since shes moved in no one seems to hang out anymore, may just a coincidence but its getting on my nerves a bit she also never cleans has no job and uses everyone elses detergent etc. shes been 2.5weeks late with last months rent. can i or even should i ask her to leave? i dont want to be mean but at the same time hate the atmosphere here... One of my other housemates thinks she must be depressed as she is always in her room but i honestly dont think thats the case, the other housemate just says shes not really her cup of tea but that shes alright. so basically nobody hates her but nobody particularly enjoys living with her. am wondering if ive just been spoiled in the past with amazing housemates and that it would be mean to say anything to her... any comments?

COULD BE WORSE MATE SHE COULD BE lOUD AND A PAIN IN THE ARSE IF SHE PAYING LET HER BE

mckildare

feelingstressed wrote: »

It's an old thread, I'd say the OP has long since sorted it.

5 days isnt that old! Or am I misreading something...:o

easynote

She is probably feeling a bit down... Give her a break- if she feels that everything she does and doesn't is always being judged by you, she will be prone to keep to herself and not interact that much. Your other housemate says she is allright. Could it be that the chemistry between you and her is just exceptionally bad? By the way you describe it, it sounds like if it affects you to a excessive degree whenever she is in the house, and you blame her for the whole athmosphere and lack of buzz in the house- basically turning her into the black sheep. She will probably hand in her notice soon, or just leave- these kind of toxic situations are very hard to handle, and you have the power in this situation - so therefore more responsibilty to handle it nicely.:)

My advice would be, since I also understand your point and the difficulty you have in handling it, to ask her to meet somewhere else- not in the house since that is where the problem exists- go for a coffee, have lunch or go for a walk together- and see how you get on in a different context away from the toxic buildup in the house. If it is still very hard for you to get on with her, try ignoring your own feelings for a while and see if she starts to exhibit feeling more comfortable in the house. If nothing changes- talk to her and tell her she doesn't seem to be happy there.

wolfpawnat

OP I know the feeling, only it was the landlady was the odd one, never talking to you and when she did it was for something odd. I used buy my own toilet roll as she was getting stuff that you could sand a tree with, and I used bring my clothes home to be washed, but she would still try to charge me for Calgon for her washing machine and for toilet roll. But it was not that she would talk to me, she would just leave the receipts on the table with a line under the items and the cost of those items divided by the housmates there!

She made is so awkward, I would come home from work, shower, eat a dinner and go to the gym, EVERY single night. Between my physical job, the gym and the fact I never felt comfortable just sitting down in front of the tv with a bag of crisps I became as thin as a rake!!!!

So I know the strain living with a non interactive person is! It does affect everyone in the house!

If you think she is committing fraud, report it. It is confidential and if she is not commiting it, there are no repercussions for you or her, so no harm done.

If she is not paying her rent, and not giving good reason for it, you have to give her warning before you can toss her out! Give it to her, tell her to get it sorted or you will have to reconsider her staying there!

It is not being nasty, always be polite, that way you ALWAYS keep the high ground