Worried about future of relationship

LegacyUser

A few things about my girlfriend have been bothering me a bit since we went to on holiday for a few days, and basically I felt like I was dragging her to all the sights. She didn't really have any input into where she wanted to go and what she wanted to see. I have enough of that sort of pressure in work without having it on holiday.

She's not from Ireland and as such, the booze culture bores her to tears. Now, I like a few pints but I don't drink much anymore. I do, however, still go to pubs/gigs because my mates do and I'm into music. Because she's my girlfriend and doesn't have many friends here, I take her out with me. She says she wants to go, she likes my friends, they love her and yet often she'll just sit there saying nothing leaving me to worry that I'm being selfish for dragging her where she doesn't want to go! If she isn't interested, I won't take it personally! We spend loads of time together either at my place or going out to meals, walks, movies, theatre.

The problem is, I ended up not going to a music festival where there would be loads of camping/boozing simply because I knew she wouldn't enjoy it even though she was dead set on going if I did. I resent this and I'm ****ed off with myself for letting it happen.

We had a pretty major fight a few days ago about her being pouty, selfish and bossy when things don't go her way. I'm a flexible enough person but if someone pushes too far, I react. Afterwards, I explained that she can't just say "that's how I am" when she starts acting like a child and from now on, she's going to get called on it every time. That it shouldn't just be me who makes and effort and tries to fix things and that if she keeps going on the road that she's going, she's going to make the negatives outweigh the positives.

Right now, she's one of the few reasons I'm even staying in this country so to say I'm pretty ****ed off with how things are working out is an understatement. I think I got through to her last night, finally, but even still, I've been thinking about giving her the elbow all morning.

Emme

relationship_worry wrote: »

A few things about my girlfriend have been bothering me a bit since we went to on holiday for a few days, and basically I felt like I was dragging her to all the sights. She didn't really have any input into where she wanted to go and what she wanted to see. I have enough of that sort of pressure in work without having it on holiday.

She's not from Ireland and as such, the booze culture bores her to tears. Now, I like a few pints but I don't drink much anymore. I do, however, still go to pubs/gigs because my mates do and I'm into music. Because she's my girlfriend and doesn't have many friends here, I take her out with me. She says she wants to go, she likes my friends, they love her and yet often she'll just sit there saying nothing leaving me to worry that I'm being selfish for dragging her where she doesn't want to go! If she isn't interested, I won't take it personally! We spend loads of time together either at my place or going out to meals, walks, movies, theatre.

Is she from a traditional culture where men are "in charge" and make all the decisions?

relationship_worry wrote: »

The problem is, I ended up not going to a music festival where there would be loads of camping/boozing simply because I knew she wouldn't enjoy it even though she was dead set on going if I did. I resent this and I'm ****ed off with myself for letting it happen.

We had a pretty major fight a few days ago about her being pouty, selfish and bossy when things don't go her way. I'm a flexible enough person but if someone pushes too far, I react. Afterwards, I explained that she can't just say "that's how I am" when she starts acting like a child and from now on, she's going to get called on it every time. That it shouldn't just be me who makes and effort and tries to fix things and that if she keeps going on the road that she's going, she's going to make the negatives outweigh the positives.

In those countries women often use manipulative tactics to get their own way rather than being upfront about what they want, or don't want.

relationship_worry wrote: »

Right now, she's one of the few reasons I'm even staying in this country so to say I'm pretty ****ed off with how things are working out is an understatement. I think I got through to her last night, finally, but even still, I've been thinking about giving her the elbow all morning.

Is she willing to communicate and be open about her needs? Or would she be willing to move out of Ireland with you? What's the point of staying in your country if you want to leave and you're unhappy in a relationship with a girlfriend isn't from here? I take it that she wants to stay here but maybe you don't.

Have a good think and figure out who is getting most out of the relationship. You or her? Could you go away to a music festival with your mates for a weekend without her if she's not into drinking? If the relationship is good and she trusts you, she shouldn't have a problem with it. It seems like she wants to keep tabs on you and keep you within her sights all the time.

Like I said, in some traditional cultures the man gets make the decisions, but the woman is really the boss!:D

curlzy

relationship_worry wrote: »

A few things about my girlfriend have been bothering me a bit since we went to on holiday for a few days, and basically I felt like I was dragging her to all the sights. She didn't really have any input into where she wanted to go and what she wanted to see. I have enough of that sort of pressure in work without having it on holiday.

She's not from Ireland and as such, the booze culture bores her to tears. Now, I like a few pints but I don't drink much anymore. I do, however, still go to pubs/gigs because my mates do and I'm into music. Because she's my girlfriend and doesn't have many friends here, I take her out with me. She says she wants to go, she likes my friends, they love her and yet often she'll just sit there saying nothing leaving me to worry that I'm being selfish for dragging her where she doesn't want to go! If she isn't interested, I won't take it personally! We spend loads of time together either at my place or going out to meals, walks, movies, theatre.

The problem is, I ended up not going to a music festival where there would be loads of camping/boozing simply because I knew she wouldn't enjoy it even though she was dead set on going if I did. I resent this and I'm ****ed off with myself for letting it happen.

We had a pretty major fight a few days ago about her being pouty, selfish and bossy when things don't go her way. I'm a flexible enough person but if someone pushes too far, I react. Afterwards, I explained that she can't just say "that's how I am" when she starts acting like a child and from now on, she's going to get called on it every time. That it shouldn't just be me who makes and effort and tries to fix things and that if she keeps going on the road that she's going, she's going to make the negatives outweigh the positives.

Right now, she's one of the few reasons I'm even staying in this country so to say I'm pretty ****ed off with how things are working out is an understatement. I think I got through to her last night, finally, but even still, I've been thinking about giving her the elbow all morning.

Hey OP,

Sounds to me like you feel trapped, you're not though, finish it with her if you want. To be honest it really doesn't sound like you're compatible. I would be well frustrated if I had to arrange everything for me and my OH and if he pouted and so forth it would defo turn me off him. Stop the to-ing and fro-ing, if you want to finish then you should, you have a right to be over the moon, crazy in love and it really sounds like you're not. Also if she's the main reason you're in Ireland when you want to be off adventuring then you're going to end up hating her in the long run. Have a good think about you want and then act on it, don't bother with the crappy guilt etc. If it's not making you happy and it's not meant to be then just finish it.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Emme:

She's from South America.

I don't think that there would've been a problem with me going away without her, she doesnt' throw strops when I want to see my mates or anything. She was just invited along with me by a mate and I was just thinking "why the hell would she want to go somewhere where showers are optional?"

She's a bit crap at talking about this sort of stuff. I think she'd be quite happy to just stay at home with me and just do nothing!

Curlzy:

I wish I found it that easy! I'm just trying to decide if I'm freaking out about what is quite a serious relationship with someone I care for or if it's just going nowhere. I'm not having a great time with work or friends at the moment so there is so much negativity I can't really trust my judgement. I do feel better after our conversation last night.

Emme

relationship_worry wrote: »

Emme:

She's from South America.

I don't think that there would've been a problem with me going away without her, she doesnt' throw strops when I want to see my mates or anything. She was just invited along with me by a mate and I was just thinking "why the hell would she want to go somewhere where showers are optional?".

She doesn't have to go, but that doesn't mean you can't go.

relationship_worry wrote: »

She's a bit crap at talking about this sort of stuff. I think she'd be quite happy to just stay at home with me and just do nothing!

Do you want to do that? You mentioned that you're having a hard time at work. Are you ready to settle down, stay at home with your OH and just do nothing or do you want to travel and work abroad? She has travelled to Ireland, and if you haven't travelled why shouldn't you? Is there any reason why you can't travel together?

LegacyUser

I think she was going to go BECAUSE I was going. Not because she didn't trust me but because she wanted to. What I was concerned about is her sulking her way through what ends up being a loud, booze, dirty, sleepless experience. I was worried about this off the back of a holiday we had a while ago along with some of her reactions to (admittedly crap) parties we attended.

I am ready to settle down, but I don't think that should denote the end of one's ability to live their life and stay in watching box sets where she relishes the thought of spending time being cosy and seems less bothered about actually having a life. I have a lot of things I want to go and am active and I'm worried I'll either make her feel left out, or let her hold me back out of guilt. I've tried talking about it with her but it's a cause of many disagreement.

We can travel together, but being from outside the EU, her residential status is a bit precarious.

Moomoo1

so the problem is that she likes to stay in and you like to go out, and she is quite bad at letting her disinterest and boredom show when you do go out?

when you say 'pouting', are we talking the aggressive 'I want to make a point' pouting or just 'I am bored stiff and I can no longer hide it' pouting?

really, the answer to both is that you'll have to do things you want yourself, by yourself with her maybe following occasionally. It's quite funny, you seem afraid to hurt her feelings by not taking her to a rock concert and yet seem ok with the idea of breaking up with her (presumably this would hurt her feelings a lot more).

whatsamsn

relationship_worry wrote: »

A few things about my girlfriend have been bothering me a bit since we went to on holiday for a few days, and basically I felt like I was dragging her to all the sights. She didn't really have any input into where she wanted to go and what she wanted to see. I have enough of that sort of pressure in work without having it on holiday.

She's not from Ireland and as such, the booze culture bores her to tears. Now, I like a few pints but I don't drink much anymore. I do, however, still go to pubs/gigs because my mates do and I'm into music. Because she's my girlfriend and doesn't have many friends here, I take her out with me. She says she wants to go, she likes my friends, they love her and yet often she'll just sit there saying nothing leaving me to worry that I'm being selfish for dragging her where she doesn't want to go! If she isn't interested, I won't take it personally! We spend loads of time together either at my place or going out to meals, walks, movies, theatre.

The problem is, I ended up not going to a music festival where there would be loads of camping/boozing simply because I knew she wouldn't enjoy it even though she was dead set on going if I did. I resent this and I'm ****ed off with myself for letting it happen.

We had a pretty major fight a few days ago about her being pouty, selfish and bossy when things don't go her way. I'm a flexible enough person but if someone pushes too far, I react. Afterwards, I explained that she can't just say "that's how I am" when she starts acting like a child and from now on, she's going to get called on it every time. That it shouldn't just be me who makes and effort and tries to fix things and that if she keeps going on the road that she's going, she's going to make the negatives outweigh the positives.

Right now, she's one of the few reasons I'm even staying in this country so to say I'm pretty ****ed off with how things are working out is an understatement. I think I got through to her last night, finally, but even still, I've been thinking about giving her the elbow all morning.

My gut says this thread really isnt asking for advice.
This thread is about asking for justifcation.

If you're girlfriend isn't exactly gelling with you (compatiblity) then you should break it off with her. Hearing some random user on boards.ie who you sont know wont make you feel better with your choice.

LegacyUser

Moomoo1 wrote: »

so the problem is that she likes to stay in and you like to go out, and she is quite bad at letting her disinterest and boredom show when you do go out?

when you say 'pouting', are we talking the aggressive 'I want to make a point' pouting or just 'I am bored stiff and I can no longer hide it' pouting?

really, the answer to both is that you'll have to do things you want yourself, by yourself with her maybe following occasionally. It's quite funny, you seem afraid to hurt her feelings by not taking her to a rock concert and yet seem ok with the idea of breaking up with her (presumably this would hurt her feelings a lot more).

A fair point. The logic behind breaking up with her isn't to hurt her, I just personally would prefer to have someone be honest with me about it.

She does enjoy going out and gigs by the way, they were just some examples of her behaviour and she admits this, so it isn't me going over the top with it.

The pouting is her sulking like a child, when really, she should just say "let's leave" and I would.

whatsamsn wrote: »

My gut says this thread really isnt asking for advice.
This thread is about asking for justifcation.

If you're girlfriend isn't exactly gelling with you (compatiblity) then you should break it off with her. Hearing some random user on boards.ie who you sont know wont make you feel better with your choice.

Maybe. But it's hard to get across the full picture here. For a start, you only have the part of my that I can articulate.

I guess what my original post should have asked was: "At what point to the negatives outweigh the positives in a relationship transitioning into long term land?"

La frog fairy

dont know if my first reply went though so posting again in case...

I think maybe the core of your issue, and correct me if im wrong, is that she doesnt have friends or many here.
That would explain her tagging along with you or you and your lads even though she might not totally like the plans, she probably would prefer doing something with you than sating alone.

Maybe you could suggest to her joining clubs of thing she likes a lot or take classes of interests like movie club or photography etc...she would gain some friends and enlarge a social circle which could only benefical to you both.
That way, the time you spend together would be more enjoy and less of "work" for you to plan things as she will become more open.

She probably needs to gain some independance, by experience i know how hard it can be to be in a different country with a boyfriend when the only people you know are his friends or friends girlfriends.

Maybe have a nice/gently chat with her and see if there a common ground you guys came come to, if not i probably would away.

I always say, in relationship you have to pick your battles, weight out what is really important for you in the relationship and what isnt so much then you will see where you can compromise. If you cant then you know where to stand.

my little opinion

Moomoo1

relationship_worry wrote: »

A fair point. The logic behind breaking up with her isn't to hurt her, I just personally would prefer to have someone be honest with me about it.

She does enjoy going out and gigs by the way, they were just some examples of her behaviour and she admits this, so it isn't me going over the top with it.

The pouting is her sulking like a child, when really, she should just say "let's leave" and I would.

yeah, that's women (not the sulking like a child part, but expecting you to read her mind part - although to be fair some men do it too). Maybe next time she does it you can call her to the side and request she tells you what the problem is.

whatsamsn

relationship_worry wrote: »

Maybe. But it's hard to get across the full picture here. For a start, you only have the part of my that I can articulate.

I guess what my original post should have asked was: "At what point to the negatives outweigh the positives in a relationship transitioning into long term land?"

Well there are 2 parts to that. Hopefully either 1 will help you :pac:

At what point? you pretty much answered your own question. the point is when negitives exsist. No one is perfect. But a negitive is something that you have a deep issue with. Example: Some girlfriends hate their boyfriends drinking. But its not a dealbreaker. But if the bf gets drunk and start fights or what not. Thats a deal breaker. One is something you dont like, the other is one you have a deep issue with.



But I dont think we are talking about negitives here. I think you are again seeking justification. Deep down I think you want to break up with your girlfriend. But she hasnt crossed any lines. To me this sounds like a tale of big time justification. I think you'd feel bad breaking up with her over these issues. You would feel like the bad guy. Things would be easier if she actually did something on you or a big time issue. Sounds like you are just trying to convince yourself. Hence the thread.

Im not giving you a speech op. Just remember, life is one big gray area. Do what you want in life. Whats good for me, might be bad for you. Remember that. But just be honest when it comes to your choices in life. Justification is all crap. If someone thinks you're a jerk for doing something. So be it.

Emme

In an earlier post the OP said he would probably go abroad only for his GF. OP, you have to be honest with yourself and decide what your long term plans are and what you really want to do (go away or stay here for good), if your current relationship fits in with that and if not, if it's worth the sacrifice of staying here.

Perhaps that's the OP's real issue, and not his GF's sulking.