Should I leave for a while?

LegacyUser

Hi there, I am originally from N. America. I have been living here over ten years, and I hold Dual Citizenship.
The problem.....
I am long term unemployed (3 years) and I am not receiving any benefits from the state whatsoever. I am married to an Irish man. I would love nothing more to go back to my home country, but my husband does not want to leave his job or his family. I could never make him leave if it's something he does not want to do.

BUT....I am very frustrated with having no income and no job, despite my efforts to obtain one. I was thinking about going back to my home country for a while without my husband, and try and find a job to earn some money for a change! Is that a bad thing? I'm a very independent person, and it hurts not to earn any money to support myself. I'm tired of reading books, going for walks, all those other spare time cashless activities. I don't watch TV either - it's too depressing! Currently I live in a rural area and it's difficult for me to go anywhere. I have very few friends, and I have no family here. I have been feeling depressed for quite sometime and I can't seem to shake it. I am tired of watching the years pass with no change. I am into my thirties now! Am I being selfish? Should I just put up and shut up? I'm really not sure what to do anymore.

meditraitor

Frustrated.... wrote: »

Hi there, I am originally from N. America. I have been living here over ten years, and I hold Dual Citizenship.
The problem.....
I am long term unemployed (3 years) and I am not receiving any benefits from the state whatsoever. I am married to an Irish man. I would love nothing more to go back to my home country, but my husband does not want to leave his job or his family. I could never make him leave if it's something he does not want to do.

BUT....I am very frustrated with having no income and no job, despite my efforts to obtain one. I was thinking about going back to my home country for a while without my husband, and try and find a job to earn some money for a change! Is that a bad thing? I'm a very independent person, and it hurts not to earn any money to support myself. I'm tired of reading books, going for walks, all those other spare time cashless activities. I don't watch TV either - it's too depressing! Currently I live in a rural area and it's difficult for me to go anywhere. I have very few friends, and I have no family here. I have been feeling depressed for quite sometime and I can't seem to shake it. I am tired of watching the years pass with no change. I am into my thirties now! Am I being selfish? Should I just put up and shut up? I'm really not sure what to do anymore.

By the sound of it I think your best option is to head home for a while, I am presuming there is no children?

If he love's you he should have no problem with this.......

LegacyUser

No, there is no children. It would kill both of us to be apart, but I really can't see a better option here.....

Richy06

Try doing an evening course or a full time college course if there is one near by? Or are you educated and just can't find work in your sector?

thefeatheredcat

Even though your husband doesn't want to leave his job and family, what does he think about you going back to the USA for a while even for just a few weeks/holiday?
When did you last return home to see your family and friends?

I think it would be no harm to take a break and head home for a while and see your folks, see what things are like back home. You're still young enough and not settled (ie no children) to have this chance.

I think maybe you just need a bit of a different environment, which does a great thing for your overall mental health (from my own experience) and see how things are over there and get back in touch with things and yourself and gain a fresher perspective.

Overall you need to consider your future as a person yourself for the fulfilment of the person you are.

LegacyUser

Thank you for your replies. They are greatly appreciated!

To answer the first question - I do not have third level education, only many years experience in a profession. However, I have been applying for any type of work that I think I can do, as many skills are, or at least should be transferable. Many others are having the same luck as myself with regards to not being able to obtain work, so I know it's not just me - but there is only so much one can take before they start to go crazy with not working! I was always a very ambitious person.

I actually have been back home twice this year - two week spurts. I am always so upbeat & content when I am there - surrounded by family, friends. In fact my friends often make a point of telling me how different I am when I am at home. I know it's been a long time since i lived there, but it always is "home" to me and feels that way when I return. My husband has no problem with me going for visits... But I am not sure that short trips is the answer? Two weeks never seems to be enough. Aside from that, I have no income to pay for these trips - my husband funded the last two. I feel so horrible for that.

The main reason why I posted this is because I wanted to get an unbiased view. My friends all tell me to go back home. My husband's family obviously wants us to stay. My own mother wants us to move home, but tells me that I should stay in Ireland because of my husband having a job.

Fas courses are unavailable to me (they told me this) because I took one in 2008, and also now because I am not signing on (I was refused JA).
I think this is why I wonder if i should return home for the short term just to get work, as there are more jobs there than here at the moment.

thefeatheredcat

Getting yourself happy again is paramount - I would suggest that you speak to your GP about your depressive state if you have not already done so. And I think that making big decisions like this should wait until you are happy within yourself.

I say this because I got really depressed earlier in the year about things in life but whenever I visited my folks and caught up with my siblings I was so much happier with them around. It was for me that the answer to everything was 'there is no place like home' or so I thought. A couple of weeks there for me was not enough. Even when I visited friends in other places I was more upbeat. Coming back to my normal residence was a real downer. I got to the point where I was considering moving to x, y, z because I was unhappy with where I lived and found it less fulfilling than where friends and family were.

Months later I know that these places are always there for me to escape to when I can't face the reality around me. But I also realised that the prospect of moving back home raised questions - would I be happy there long term? Visiting for a couple of weeks is very different from living there permanently and I realised that wasn't what I wanted.

If moving back home is a realistic idea, you need to flesh the whole thing out with your husband and come up with a strategic plan that works for the both of you.

It would be no harm to test the waters and yourself for a while, but there are a few things to bear in mind that yourself and your husband need to talk about.

Is this going to be just for a few weeks or a few months? What if you end up working in a job that is a great opportunity for you and could be a long-term employment beyond a few months? Should that happen, would your husband be prepared to move and would he be able to transfer his skills?
Even though you are probably welcome to stay with your friends and family for a while, it could come to the point of having to find a place of your own should it turn out to be a long-term thing.

It's a tricky situation you're in to be torn between the two places, one offering possible prospects of a job, being with friends and family, the other your husband who loves you but no personal fulfilment work-wise and less personal happiness.

Is there anyway that you can use your skills in a volunteer capacity or set up a business yourself in the locality in the future?

metrovelvet

I know exactly how you feel. I am so incredibly homesick and I havent been home in ages. Whenever I go home I feel so much more up beat and positive about everything.

If you are Canadian it might be worth going home as you could probably get a job.

If you are American I'd be very cautious about that. Its not looking too good.

Moomoo1

surely you are eligible for benefits here? You've lived in Ireland for so long that you must be close to obtaining citizenship, right? Then why aren't you getting benefits?

as for work, maybe you consider education? Or voluntary work?

I don't really think it's fair to your husband for you to just up and leave.

LegacyUser

Thanks again for the advice and suggestions. It's food for thought.
I know that if I went home, I would want to stay and it would just open another can of worms. I'm trying to stick it out here but it's really difficult when doors keep being slammed in my face when I ask for help (Fás, SW, Citizens Information, etc - they all say "Sorry! Nothing we can do for you!")

Moomoo1 wrote: »

surely you are eligible for benefits here? You've lived in Ireland for so long that you must be close to obtaining citizenship, right? Then why aren't you getting benefits?

as for work, maybe you consider education? Or voluntary work?

I don't really think it's fair to your husband for you to just up and leave.

I have Irish citizenship for eight years now. When I was made redundant from my last job, I went on JB for a year - used all my stamps & then was refused JA because I live with my husband. So they won't give me a cent. When I think of all the years I worked here, and even before I obtained citizenship - paying in stamps in those years before I was able to claim anything. It just makes me angry.

Voluntary work isn't really an option unless it's within walking distance - As I said earlier, I live rurally. Where is the money for education? We are surviving on one salary payment which is not much, so paid education is not an option either. I'd also like to note that I am not eligible for the free college placements either because I am not receiving a SW payment. There are not many options for people like me who are denied assistance. That is why I am at the end of my tether.

But I am beginning to think that it's not a good idea to leave, even for a few months. I think in the long run it would just create more problems.

I would hate to have to turn to anti-depressant medication now, after all I've been through without it.

There's no easy solution at all! But I never give up trying.

Zeouterlimits

While it would be very difficult, sounds like your husband should consider looking for work in the US, as surely your happiness and the happiness of your relationship is paramount?

thefeatheredcat

taking everything into consideration, where do you see things going for you in the next 12 months? In 2 years?

Is it going to be that in 2 years' time (should the economy have not improved) that you're still going to be in the same situation?

I do think going to the States and having a proper look out there would be of benefit to you - see what options you have there in terms of work or education.

I really think sitting down with your husband and working on a plan is an idea - he may be providing for you both, but if you're sitting around in life twiddling your thumbs and have exhausted all possibilities for furthering yourself and your skills, have limited options for volunteer work and education, and there's no prospects for you, then something has to give. It shouldn't be your mental health or your emotional well-being.

Beruthiel

Frustrated.... wrote: »

I know that if I went home, I would want to stay and it would just open another can of worms.

Yes. It would.
You will find a job, make new friends and start a whole new life. Months will go by and you will not wish to return here. Your husband will not want to move.

Have you actually sat down with your husband and told him what's going on in your head?
Have you told him you are thinking of leaving?
He has a job here you say, but could you move to a busier town and he still get to work?
Do you know another language and do translations?
Could you do a correspondence course?
You both need to explore ALL options and he needs to be with you on this.

While you pine and take your focus away from here and look to home, you will not resolve this.

jimmycrackcorm

Op, why not find some voluntary work close to where type husband works so that travel is not an issue. Your problem is boredom and a lack of self worth which could be satisfied by doing something useful to occupy your time.

If you return home then you may as well kiss bye to your relationship because where will you go groom there?

LegacyUser

My hubby is just like OP's - doesn't want to leave Ireland for at least the next three years. I am toying with the idea of an extended stay at home, but know that coming back here again would be harder than after a 1 or 2 week trip. I've done my 20 years here and he even admits we'd have a much better quality of life if we left Ireland but it's come down to putting up with it until at least 2014 or divorce (and not the slow Irish kind).

No help, but OP you're not alone!!

LegacyUser

me too wrote: »

My hubby is just like OP's - doesn't want to leave Ireland for at least the next three years. I am toying with the idea of an extended stay at home, but know that coming back here again would be harder than after a 1 or 2 week trip. I've done my 20 years here and he even admits we'd have a much better quality of life if we left Ireland but it's come down to putting up with it until at least 2014 or divorce (and not the slow Irish kind).

No help, but OP you're not alone!!

Where are you from? It is great to know that I am not alone with an issue like this!
It's annoying that you have to wait another three years, but at least you know there is light at the end of the tunnel!

My husband and I have talked about this problem on numerous occasions, but we never resolve it. We just keep going around in circles. He's just not prepared to move right now. Possibly down the line, but "when?" is "I don't know". Perhaps never?

The good news is that I was offered a job just the other day that will keep me busy part-time starting in a few weeks. (Grateful for this opportunity). I know that this will help, because when I am busy, I don't have time to dwell on negative things.

Still though, I just know in my heart and soul that I want to be in my home country. You could pay me €100,000 a year and I would still want to go home. I just don't feel right being here anymore. I know that I definitely do not want to end our relationship........so either I hope that one day he decides we can move, else I will need alot of help keeping depression at bay while living here the rest of my life.

thefeatheredcat

Frustrated.... wrote: »

The good news is that I was offered a job just the other day that will keep me busy part-time starting in a few weeks. (Grateful for this opportunity). I know that this will help, because when I am busy, I don't have time to dwell on negative things.

Op I'm delighted for you that you got this opportunity! I hope it works out for you and that you'll have a more positive outlook on things.

As for the rest, well if it's likely he'll never want to move then what then? I think you both need to have a good long talk about your future together as it sounds as though you want different things?