should I end the friendship?

LegacyUser

Hi boardsies!

regular contributor here looking for advice.. and I'm sorry it's abit long but tried to lay it out as best as possible... and thanks for reading!

I've had a lot of issues with people in my life from ex work mates to friends over the last year or so. In dealing with one very toxic individual ('friend') who broke my self-esteem (who I can happily say is not nor will ever be part of my life again), an issue has been raised with another friend.

This person I have known for about 7 years, we met through a house share I was in at the time as he was friends with the boyfriend of one of the housemates. We got to know eachother and hung out a lot. A couple years later they finished college and moved back to their home town. We didn't meet up as much as I was busy with remaining time in college and then was working, but we stayed in contact but not regularly. In recent years they had looked to meeting up when they were back around the area but I often couldn't due to work responsibilities and they have since admitted that they thought I was just making up excuses and not wanting to be friends. After drifting apart a long while, due to both being busy, we got back in touch.

Recently we had a confrontation via text, email and phone calls which originally started off as a concern on my behalf regarding a mutual friend that he had introduced me to some time ago, which he was apathetic to, but was all misinterpreted by him. Due to the misinterpretation and the heated exchange on both parties I was at the point where I was faced with considering ending my friendship with him. I also found out that he was a bit jealous of me spending more time with the mutual friend than him.

We managed to resolve things and stay friends after a long talk. He didn't want to end the friendship because we'd known eachother so long and had been through a few ups and downs together and had history.

With dealing with a very toxic person recently and with some of the threads here on boards I'm beginning to have my doubts about continuing the friendship, but I'm not sure about it.

One reason is that he doesn't keep in regular contact. I'm aware he's working and busy with things, and texts inquiring as to how he's getting on go unanswered, I assume, due to being busy or not having credit. I do get the odd email but nothing personal for the majority of exchanges. But never get texts just asking how I am.

Last year I sent an email just to bridge the gap of lack of contact and opened up communication on some changes in my life and got an initial response that the email I sent was self-serving, which wasn't the intention.

Some serious issues cropped up for him which resulted in him turning to me for advice and support, which I was happy to provide, but after it was resolved, he disappeared and I didn't hear from him for a few weeks....and i think it was probably myself that instigated contact from then on.

More recently during the phone call when we resolved a conflict we were talking about future plans and changes and I mentioned I was considering moving to another part of the country in the near future (I want to start a new life for myself) and had suggested that I was open to considering a few places and one was in the area that they live, but instead of providing support and saying good things about it, they gave me reasons not to move there and basically rubbished the idea of it.

I'm at the point where I feel that while I do care about this person and do want to be friends, as we do have a few things in common still and generally speaking, he's a lovely and interesting person, although we're not entirely on the same wavelength, and I find I take life more serious than him.... but now I'm thinking/realising that they just want to stay friends because we have history together and have been through ups and downs. We don't meet up regularly and any plans he makes socially I'm not apart of (and don't expect to due to distance and lack of funds). In a way, I'm not sure on this but after the last call I'm kind of under the impression that he wants to stay friends for the sake of it really and feel that bit manipulated into staying friends when I realise that I'm not appreciated as a friend and makes little effort in being in contact. I do try keeping in contact but meeting up regularly for me isn't possible due to not having work or funds for it all.

any advice on where to go from here? Should I just see how things go and if drift apart, let that happen? I just don't want to end up finding myself later being a doormat to this person, being used or being there for the shoulder to cry on when it's not reciprocated.

Distorted

I have a similar male friend, except in that he is very passive and we don't get into arguments as he will just walk off or go silent the minute he sees any confrontation coming. I find him toxic because after seeing him I always have this sort of feeling of having provided emotional solace to him but having got nothing in return, and of feeling sort of empty and wanting more. Plus he behaves in an unsettling way - he won't come along to any social things organised, or will leave very early, can be very rude. Its not just me, everyone says the same thing. It is complicated in his case by the fact that he is gay and in the closet and I am one of the very few people to know. So while I want to support him, the fact that I get nothing out of the friendship in return has led to me not bothering to contact him for about 3 months. When I've left it like this in the past, he has always contacted me, but this time I'm really hoping he doesn't.

In answer to your question, I think its always best to let toxic friends go and cease contact with them, either by a big argument or just by losing touch, depending on the situation. Whether or not you can do it in practice is the real question - because I suspect people like this are quite good at passively controlling others and giving out just a small glimmer of friendship that makes you want to keep coming back for more.

LegacyUser

OP here
Thanks for your input Distorted!
I wouldn't describe him as the most toxic person in life, however, I've noticed a few put downs from him put not done directly, more indirectly, if you know what I mean? It's only in hindsight when at times I've noticed it, others were blatantly obvious but I side stepped it not wanting to cause more conflict, because tbh I've had enough conflict over the last year or so and just want to live a peaceful happy life.

Distorted wrote: »

In answer to your question, I think its always best to let toxic friends go and cease contact with them, either by a big argument or just by losing touch, depending on the situation. Whether or not you can do it in practice is the real question - because I suspect people like this are quite good at passively controlling others and giving out just a small glimmer of friendship that makes you want to keep coming back for more.

He does do this, give a glimmer of friendship put never acts like a friend really. My worry is that if I cease contact but in the losing touch way, I'm afraid that he'll pop up again when I'm happily doing my thing and get me down again. It's happened with the toxic person I just banished from life and I'm not prepared to go down that route again as it wore my self esteem and confidence down.

He's not a great communicator and often gets the wrong end of the stick which makes it all the more frustrating... but at the end of the day he's a decent guy at heart and I suspect he's got issues deep down that he's in denial about. I'd be afraid to have an all-out confrontation because I'd be afraid he'd take something I said up wrong and the negative consequences attached to it.