Space = the end?

LegacyUser

Hi all. I had been posting here maybe back in October or something, a year ago that is, having broken up (or being dumped) by a previous girlfriend. Anyway I'm well over that, thanks to you guys too

Anyway in July i met a girl while in a England, that I am crazy about. We had met about a year before on holidays and had a holiday romance thing, but it wasn't possible for us to meet again until July, as she was living far far away! Anyway we kept in touch on and off.
Meeting in July was good, I had gone over for 3 nights and ended up staying for 6 with her. She came then in August for 3 nights, and I saw her again about a week and a half ago for 3 nights. She's supposed to be coming here next Friday, flights booked, for 3 nights too and I to her 2 weeks after. (sorry for the logistics!!!).

So yesterday she was unresponsive and acting a bit out of sorts and she told me she was p*ssed off because she didn't want to be with a drinker, and I had just been on a weekend binge and was moaning about hangovers in texts/emails etc. Understandable I guess but I'm not an alcoholic or anything.

So today she didn't reply to mails when we were both at work until like 4 hours later, and she said she was mad at me because of this. I called her and told her drinking was not a big problem and I wouldn't drink much at all if I had an option to see her instead of going drinking with friends. She said she needs to think about things and it's early days and things are a bit fast and she needs a little space.

Ouch! Space! That was like a spear in the heart. So I said at the end just to contact me next week and let me know if she's coming over or not, and if she doesn't, and doesn't want to see me again, that I can deal with it and not to worry. She said she didn't want to end it.

I just want advice on how to play it now? Just no contact until she contacts me?
I'm sick and tired of this, 30 years old now, all previous relationships failed obviously, and I really thought this girl could be the real deal! But this early on she already seems to be having doubts, even though the sex is amazing and she seems really keen.
Do you think she's trying to punish me a bit for my 4 day drinking binge? Make me feel bad? Fair enough if she is I guess.

Anyway writing all this down has made me feel much better. Any input would be greatly appreciated!
Thanks guys.

p.s. she made most of the effort so far for meeting up and staying in touch etc, I had other gfs since i met her but she hasn't.

TitoPuente

My advice - leave it with her for the moment.

Did you contact her the 4 days you were on the rip? Texts or calls or anything. Did she text you and did you respond (promptly or otherwise)? Do you genuinely believe you've done everything you could to treat her well, etc?

Bottom line is that if you're just being yourself (and you're conscientious and decent) and she's treating you like this then you might want to reconsider things yourself.

LegacyUser

Yeah i was in contact with her all over the weekend. She called, texted etc, I always answer... Then she just seemed pissed off with me yesterday. It's really annoying. When I didn't hear anything from her today, I sent her a few emails asking what was so wrong etc. Shouldn't have done that, screams of neediness no? Then again they were only tiny emails and we usually send about 100 each way while we're both at work!
Yes I feel I'm just beyond all this nonsense now with women. If she's trying to get back at me or playing games or doing god knows what I've no time for it.
So should I just not contact her at all now? Wait for her?
Should I tell her not to come over next week if she does call? I think I'm in love with her etc but I've been heartbroken enough times to know being in love ain't the be all and end all of life!

Distorted

whatsanotheryear wrote: »

I wouldn't drink much at all if I had an option to see her instead

whatsanotheryear wrote: »

I had other gfs since i met her but she hasn't.

I might be wrong but you come across as being quite insecure. It could be that she's looking for more of a "self starter" - someone who can be single without going out and making themselves ill with drink. I often don't think the Irish realise that other nations don't drink as much as them or have the same attitude to drink as they do. I have to say its not a trait I value in a man, but I accept everyone is different. Surely the point of dating though is to find out these things and whether you are compatible or not, and this is just the process both of you are going through. Naturally you have hopes, but it sounds like you haven't spent that much time with her so its a bit early to be so devastated if things don't work out. Which is why I highlighted the bit about having other girlfriends since you met her. Surely they can't have been girlfriends in such a short time?

Whats wrong with spending some time on your own (without the need to spend 4 days in the pub)? Life isn't a race to find a girlfriend/wife.

I'd also be a bit annoyed with someone texting me at work and expecting quick replies, as I'm not really allowed to use my mobile phone at work other than for emergencies. The best thing I think you can do at the moment is to give her some space and stop worrying and being so anxious. I doubt very much that she is playing games, I just think she's working out whether or not she's really into you - which is her prerogative as an individual.

LegacyUser

Distorted wrote: »

I might be wrong but you come across as being quite insecure. It could be that she's looking for more of a "self starter" - someone who can be single without going out and making themselves ill with drink. I often don't think the Irish realise that other nations don't drink as much as them or have the same attitude to drink as they do. I have to say its not a trait I value in a man, but I accept everyone is different. Surely the point of dating though is to find out these things and whether you are compatible or not, and this is just the process both of you are going through. Naturally you have hopes, but it sounds like you haven't spent that much time with her so its a bit early to be so devastated if things don't work out. Which is why I highlighted the bit about having other girlfriends since you met her. Surely they can't have been girlfriends in such a short time?

Whats wrong with spending some time on your own (without the need to spend 4 days in the pub)? Life isn't a race to find a girlfriend/wife.

I'd also be a bit annoyed with someone texting me at work and expecting quick replies, as I'm not really allowed to use my mobile phone at work other than for emergencies. The best thing I think you can do at the moment is to give her some space and stop worrying and being so anxious. I doubt very much that she is playing games, I just think she's working out whether or not she's really into you - which is her prerogative as an individual.

it was over a year since i first met her, i had 2 girlfriends for many months, but neither were that serious i guess. I know life isn't a race to find a girl/wife just i haven't met anyone i really liked in a long time. We email at work and she usually sends a hell of a lot more than me so I can't be accused of smothering her! Just today she wasn't emailing and it was weird so I knew something was wrong. I'm not a total pisshead, she's no angel herself with the booze and the coke but she's trying to cut down, as am I, I don't even do coke.
I'm not devestated I just had high hopes. I'll leave her to it though. I've done my best this time though that's what's annoying, and she seemed to be doughy eyed last time i saw her and all over me. Thanks for your input.

TitoPuente

Distorted wrote: »

I might be wrong but you come across as being quite insecure. It could be that she's looking for more of a "self starter" - someone who can be single without going out and making themselves ill with drink. I often don't think the Irish realise that other nations don't drink as much as them or have the same attitude to drink as they do. I have to say its not a trait I value in a man, but I accept everyone is different. Surely the point of dating though is to find out these things and whether you are compatible or not, and this is just the process both of you are going through. Naturally you have hopes, but it sounds like you haven't spent that much time with her so its a bit early to be so devastated if things don't work out. Which is why I highlighted the bit about having other girlfriends since you met her. Surely they can't have been girlfriends in such a short time?

Whats wrong with spending some time on your own (without the need to spend 4 days in the pub)? Life isn't a race to find a girlfriend/wife.

I'd also be a bit annoyed with someone texting me at work and expecting quick replies, as I'm not really allowed to use my mobile phone at work other than for emergencies. The best thing I think you can do at the moment is to give her some space and stop worrying and being so anxious. I doubt very much that she is playing games, I just think she's working out whether or not she's really into you - which is her prerogative as an individual.

Could be a bit of that too. OP - just give her some space and leave it with her maybe? As Distorted also alluded to - women don't like drunks and/or needy types. I'm sure you're not either but the best thing to do is to prove it and give her the space she wants. If she comes back, so be it.

Zen65

whatsanotheryear wrote: »

So yesterday she was unresponsive and acting a bit out of sorts and she told me she was p*ssed off because she didn't want to be with a drinker, and I had just been on a weekend binge and was moaning about hangovers in texts/emails etc. Understandable I guess but I'm not an alcoholic or anything.

whatsanotheryear wrote: »

Do you think she's trying to punish me a bit for my 4 day drinking binge?

Weekend or 4 days?

And you're 30, right? Not 21?

She may be just blowing you off, or genuinely she may be disappointed that a 30-year old would think this behaviour is acceptable. If she's about the same age she's probably looking for a long-term partner and no self-respecting woman wants a guy who behaves like this.


That's my two cents, I don't mean to sound judgemental.


Be at peace,

Z

LegacyUser

Zen65 wrote: »

Weekend or 4 days?

And you're 30, right? Not 21?

She may be just blowing you off, or genuinely she may be disappointed that a 30-year old would think this behaviour is acceptable. If she's about the same age she's probably looking for a long-term partner and no self-respecting woman wants a guy who behaves like this.


That's my two cents, I don't mean to sound judgemental.


Be at peace,

Z

YEah i hear you, I'm not usually like this, just had a few things i needed to attend thur - sun and they were boozy. It happens.
I guess all I can do is wait and see. I'm a very fit healthy person and in great shape so it's not like i'm a drunk slob!

TitoPuente

Zen65 wrote: »

That's my two cents, I don't mean to sound judgemental.

Maybe a bit judgemental! Then again, maybe I'm a bit presumptuous. OP - was this '4 day session' a once-off (stag) or something? Or do you go on 4 days benders regularly? I'm assuming it was just a special occasion. In which case, you're perfectly entitled to it. Then again, at the start of a new relationship, you'd probably want to withold some of the information and not let her know you were off in Amsterdam with the lads on a beer-fest!

Personally, if I was seeing someone new and I went on a mad long weekend, I would keep my communication civilised and wouldn't be complaining about hangovers and the like (pretty immature) afterwards. You might want to her to get to know you a bit better before you divulge that kind of information. You never know where people are coming from. She could have had an alcoholic father or been abused by a drunken boyfriend in her past - you just never know.

Play it cool and see if she gets back to you. Then man up and act your age

LegacyUser

TitoPuente wrote: »

Personally, if I was seeing someone new and I went on a mad long weekend, I would keep my communication civilised and wouldn't be complaining about hangovers and the like (pretty immature) afterwards. You might want to her to get to know you a bit better before you divulge that kind of information. You never know where people are coming from. She could have had an alcoholic father or been abused by a drunken boyfriend in her past - you just never know.

+1. Nothing wrong with letting your hair down, but this girl doesn't know you at all and probably thinks you are a drunken slob!
Saying that, she's a bit hypocritical about you drinking when she does coke herself. That'd be a dealbreaker for me

pollypocket10

OP I don't think she is playing games, sounds to me like she doesn't want to get into a relationship with a 30 year old man who still thinks it's ok to go on 4 day drinking binges. I know I certainly wouldn't.

No offence or anything. Each to their own and all that. But if it was me I would have no interest in someone like that. I'm all for letting your hair down and the odd night out, maybe 2 if it was a wedding weekend or something, but 4 ... to me that screams "Doesn't know when to stop!"

tinkerbell

OP, you're 30, looking for a serious relationship and you're going on a 4 day drinking binge? I mean come on. Those two things don't go together.

I called her and told her drinking was not a big problem and I wouldn't drink much at all if I had an option to see her instead of going drinking with friends.

Drinking not a big problem? And you're going on a 4 day bender? That is a drinking problem. I'm not surprised she's pissed off with you right now, she probably sees you as a guy who doesn't want to grow up, going on a 4 day binge, and acting like he's still a first year college student. You say you don't drink much, but in fairness I can't see how that is possible - someone who doesn't drink much, can't be able for a 4 day bender. You're 30, it's time to start acting your age for once.

if she doesn't, and doesn't want to see me again, that I can deal with it and not to worry. She said she didn't want to end it.

You said this to her? That you can just deal with it, and not to worry if she wants to end things? Err that's not exactly making it out like you care a lot about this girl. You basically said to her "yah sure if you want to dump me, it's ok, I can move on no problem".

If you want a relationship with this girl, then cut out the drinking binges. What is more important to you? I'm not saying you have to give up the drink altogether, but jees, you don't have to go get sloshed over 4 days, that is a problem. Go out for a few drinks with your mates, you don't need to go nuts. And 4 day binge to me screams alcoholic. There are so many people in this country who are alcoholics but think they ain't just because it seems to be acceptable in Irish society by loads of people that you can just drink yourself into oblivion.

I'm sick and tired of this, 30 years old now, all previous relationships failed obviously, and I really thought this girl could be the real deal! But this early on she already seems to be having doubts, even though the sex is amazing and she seems really keen.
Do you think she's trying to punish me a bit for my 4 day drinking binge? Make me feel bad? Fair enough if she is I guess.

If you want this relationship to work, then start acting 30 and be responsible. If I was in her shoes, there is no way I would want to get serious with someone who is 30 and still goes on mad benders every now and again.

La frog fairy

ok no offense to few of the posters that replied already but its clearly unfair to judge someone because of his age.

First off OP you are entitle to do whatever you want at any age, I know we live on a narrow minded island but teling you you cant go on a binge drinking for 4 days because you should act "your age" is the most idiot things I have heard. Its ok to go on binge drinking 2 days but not 4 !? c'mon people, let the guy live a little!
As long as you're not doing this every week which would maybe come to a serious concern, and beside the OP already said he needed to vent on things then.
Its like saying to a 65 yars old man who wants to sky diving that he cant and should "act his age" and stay home gardening.

Anyway, sorry there was going off subject, my bad....my opinion on your situation is the long distance is unfortunately a downside to relationship and even more so the early days eeven though you know her for over a year as you said you never spent more than a week together, unless I missed something..

If you were my boyfriend I would have said, "great you have a hangover, hope it matches the fun time!"
and move on from it. One of the most important thing in a relationship is communication and especialy when long distance.
Shes overeacting and/ or is hypocritical as she does drugs is not really a turn on, like a previous poster said, it would be a deal breaker for me too, but each to their own.

My advise is after all you said, let her be...let her contact you, either she truly doesnt like your actions and is a bit too abrupt to judge you or she is playng games trying to get you to be a doormat appologies and begging and promising not to do it again.

In relationship, my thing is to pick your battles, fight for the issues that you think are important to you, not the silly thing like nagging for forgetting to buy the milk on the way home, being hangover for 4 days, god knows there can be a whole lot more serious thing to deal with than that.

Let her have some air, she needs to see you are your own person and not gonna apologies for having had some fun without her.
Take this time to rethink your relationship as well, you seem to have seen it all so maybe a girlfriend who leaves in another city/ country might not be the best for you a this stage if you want a potentional serious one, unless someone is willing to move sooner rather than later. You have no experience of being with her as dating in thr same city so you dont know her as well as you might think, long distance, and i say that by experience, you see it with rose tented glasses, all is exagerated, the passion, the sex, the missing each other.....etc...only when you then spend some long time together, by that i mean more than jsut few days, you get to really know someone.

sorry for the epic message and best of luck!

dory

Just want to agree with everything that has been said.

30 year old on a binge? Sounds far too childish to get into a relationship with.
Wouldn't do it if you had a girlfriend? Sounds like you don't have a life and are just waiting for a girl to come along to have an instant best friend to do things with.

Just sit it out. As has been pointed out she's being hypocritical, but if you want to still give it a go you'll have to wait for her to call. Don't run after her!

pollypocket10

La frog fairy wrote: »

ok no offense to few of the posters that replied already but its clearly unfair to judge someone because of his age.

First off OP you are entitle to do whatever you want at any age, I know we live on a narrow minded island but teling you you cant go on a binge drinking for 4 days because you should act "your age" is the most idiot things I have heard. Its ok to go on binge drinking 2 days but not 4 !? c'mon people, let the guy live a little!
As long as you're not doing this every week which would maybe come to a serious concern, and beside the OP already said he needed to vent on things then.
Its like saying to a 65 yars old man who wants to sky diving that he cant and should "act his age" and stay home gardening.

Anyway, sorry there was going off subject, my bad....my opinion on your situation is the long distance is unfortunately a downside to relationship and even more so the early days eeven though you know her for over a year as you said you never spent more than a week together, unless I missed something..

If you were my boyfriend I would have said, "great you have a hangover, hope it matches the fun time!"
and move on from it. One of the most important thing in a relationship is communication and especialy when long distance.
Shes overeacting and/ or is hypocritical as she does drugs is not really a turn on, like a previous poster said, it would be a deal breaker for me too, but each to their own.

My advise is after all you said, let her be...let her contact you, either she truly doesnt like your actions and is a bit too abrupt to judge you or she is playng games trying to get you to be a doormat appologies and begging and promising not to do it again.

In relationship, my thing is to pick your battles, fight for the issues that you think are important to you, not the silly thing like nagging for forgetting to buy the milk on the way home, being hangover for 4 days, god knows there can be a whole lot more serious thing to deal with than that.

Let her have some air, she needs to see you are your own person and not gonna apologies for having had some fun without her.
Take this time to rethink your relationship as well, you seem to have seen it all so maybe a girlfriend who leaves in another city/ country might not be the best for you a this stage if you want a potentional serious one, unless someone is willing to move sooner rather than later. You have no experience of being with her as dating in thr same city so you dont know her as well as you might think, long distance, and i say that by experience, you see it with rose tented glasses, all is exagerated, the passion, the sex, the missing each other.....etc...only when you then spend some long time together, by that i mean more than jsut few days, you get to really know someone.

sorry for the epic message and best of luck!

Nobody is being judgmental, the OP has asked for advice and people are giving him an idea of what this looks like from his girlfriends perspective.

People are perfectly entitled to to decide to end or continue a relationship based on whatever criteria they want. In the OP's case his girlfriend is obviously considering ending the relationship because of his attitude to drink. And for a lot of people a persons attitude to drink is an extremely serious issue.

Just to clarify also I was not condoning 2 day drinking binges at all, but highlighting the fact that on rare & very special occasions like weddings that run over two days then to have a few drinks two days in a row might be something that would be considered ok. But only once in a while. Anything more than that IS a drinking problem.

La frog fairy

:Dhahah and people wonder why so many girls in this country are single! relax!.. polly pockets would love to go on about this with you:rolleyes: but I would be off subject to the OP

OP, like i said before, better to pick your battles, and so does she, is drinking 4 days for whatever reasons you had AND are entitle to;) makes her have an issue with this then be it, same for you.

You had your reasons, as you said you are not normaly like that, you were yourself in telling her about it and the hangover, she had a reaction then maybe shes not the right one. simple as.

Let her get back to you and when she does see what she has to say.

best of luck

Distorted

La frog fairy wrote: »

ok no offense to few of the posters that replied already but its clearly unfair to judge someone because of his age.

First off OP you are entitle to do whatever you want at any age, I know we live on a narrow minded island but teling you you cant go on a binge drinking for 4 days because you should act "your age" is the most idiot things I have heard. Its ok to go on binge drinking 2 days but not 4 !? c'mon people, let the guy live a little!
As long as you're not doing this every week which would maybe come to a serious concern, and beside the OP already said he needed to vent on things then.

To be fair, I don't think anyone's saying he can't do what he wants. But the point is whether this woman will want him if he does. We don't know the whole story but most likely theres been things that have been worrying her about him (and ditto her with him no doubt) and the 4 day drinking binge was maybe the straw that pushed her over the edge of tolerating it and saying nothing and not.

We keep reading on here how Irish women are too fussy, etc but tbh we're expected to be attractive, fun company, solvent, etc all that stuff but do the guys ever pay much attention to how much of a catch they are? I'm single and in my thirties (no pms please!) and I get guys coming onto me, but my reasoning is I'm better off single, emotionally, financially, socially, because they'd drain more from you in a relationship than they would add to your life.

Of course a one off 4 day drinking binge is not all that bad. But the OP makes it sound like he does this when he doesn't have a girlfriend's attention, which makes him sound needy. And while at 30 he may still be fit and in good shape, if he does this much over the years, at some point he's going to be a total mess. And a 4 day drinking binge is really bad for the rest of your life, your job, everything - presumably he was on holiday from his work at the time. Its just not what you would consider much of a catch. I went on holiday with 3 guys recently and 2 of them went on a 24 hour drinking binge, and basically ended up losing 3 days of their holiday recovering from it. It is really boring, repulsive behaviour - why can't people drink like on the continent, to get themselves a little more relaxed, so they can still enjoy life around them, rather than to the point of making themselves ill.

As for her doing coke, I'd have no truck with that, but for her to do that, even experimentally, makes me think she is quite worried about the drinking habits in comparison to that.

Distorted

Posted twice in error.

tinkerbell

whatsanotheryear wrote: »

Just today she wasn't emailing and it was weird so I knew something was wrong. I'm not a total pisshead, she's no angel herself with the booze and the coke but she's trying to cut down, as am I, I don't even do coke.

Ok I never saw this when I posted earlier - I missed this post.

Hang on, so she does drugs too and is giving out to you about drink? She's a complete hypocrite.

pollypocket10

La frog fairy wrote: »

:Dhahah and people wonder why so many girls in this country are single! relax!.. polly pockets would love to go on about this with you:rolleyes: but I would be off subject to the OP

OP, like i said before, better to pick your battles, and so does she, is drinking 4 days for whatever reasons you had AND are entitle to;) makes her have an issue with this then be it, same for you.

You had your reasons, as you said you are not normaly like that, you were yourself in telling her about it and the hangover, she had a reaction then maybe shes not the right one. simple as.

Let her get back to you and when she does see what she has to say.

best of luck

There are just as many single men around :rolleyes: And quite possibly the OP will be single again soon.

Thank fully I am not single, I am in a relationship with a mature and responsible man who doesn't need to go out a party like a 19 year old every weekend.

My post was also on topic and very relevant to the post.


OP what you need to decide is which is more important to you? Continuing with the 4 day binges or your relationship.

If it's your relationship it's time to grow up. Make sure that your girlfriend knows this and and that it's not something that she will have to look forward too again in the future.

La frog fairy

:Dhaha well we know now that polly pocket and the OP would not be a match made in heaven
;-D;)
Im goingto start wondering if you know the OP personally to make such a judgment on him...he never said he parties every weekend...and like a 19 years old! c'mon now, enough with the age thingy.
Alright OP, your problem is more the long distance, because if you you were in the same city this would have been resolved or even maybe not happened.
You both have issues obviously with each other so if she does contact you and still comes this weekend, have a sit down and a nice talk and see what you both want or expect from this relationship and go from there.
This is my last post to you as I can feel this is going to become an on going thingy with my new friend;-), so have a nice weekend and ...dont party too much! ;-D :phaha

LegacyUser

<snip>
Anyway - it wasn't exactly a 4 day party. I'll break it down. Thursday night, my flatmate and i had too much wine in the house. Head on me the next day.
Friday, had to make an appearance at a surprise 30th, had about 6 pints was in bed by 2330.
Saturday, called up to my mate nearby had some beers while babysitting. Sunday I felt fine but had to meet my friend who is home from abroad for a week for a pint, had one too many Sunday night. Monday - felt rough as f**k at work.
Hardly animal behaviour is it?

We've already discussed me going to live there in the new year when i have enough $$ saved so this long distant thing hopefully is only temp. I was going to move there anyway as I have lots of friends there.

Yes she does coke sometimes, I have done every drug under the sun and the odd line of coke doesnt harm anyone so i wont judge her for that.

Anyway - i didn't contact her since yesterday and today she sent me a mail saying she thinks she should come over and she's sorry for overreacting etc. So I think the fact I just blanked her showed her her punishment game wasn't working. She's a total sweetheart just a little insecure I think and may have had problems with drunk boyfriends in the past.

Anything else?

Moomoo1

it sounds to me like one of those things when a woman says A and means B. So when she had a go at you for your 4-day bender she didn't mean 'you should stop drinking' (that would have been both hypocritical and controlling), she meant something different altogether between the lines. Maybe that you weren't paying her enough attention?

La frog fairy

spot on from Moomoo1

I agree as well, maybe not enough attention and/ or you dare have fun without her..could be the thinking being the overaction.

Could also be a level of maturity on her part then.

But in all cases, you seem to be back to normal, looks like shes coming and you both are going to catch up and maybe clear the air once you meet up to avoid some of those unnessary silly situation/arguments.

relationships can be more work for some than others but you seem to be thinking of the move and all so its all good, and as long as you keep communicating well then more power to you.

You seem all set up now for this weekend so enjoy!

Pwpane

Just a thought. You said she's trying to cut down on her drinking as are you and that she didn't want to be in a relationship with a drinker - maybe she's worried that if you're drinking a lot too that it'll be very hard for her to cut down? That if you move over to her that you'll be bad for each other re drinking?

Stu

I really don't see why your girlfriend has such a big problem with a 1 off drinking session. If you are fit and healthy and look well then she will know that you look after yourself and don't drink heavily on a regular basis so why the drama and why was she pissed off that you didn't get straight back to her after she called you. It sounds like you have your hands full there mate, good luck with it.