love cold turkey

drumlinsa

I know its a bit shallow but decided to break up with my long-term partner as i've decided i want to lead a sinful life (for a while anyway)
Thought honest break up would be better than cheat deceit, dorian grey etc.
Partner is devastated.
I know its not ideal but Is it ok to continue sleeping in the same bed for a while, as nothing more than best friends?
Dearly care for the person and am willing to stick around and help them go thru love cold turkey but am afraid that too many hugs and being in close proximity may hinder rather than help the break-up.

Tallon

drumlinsa wrote: »

I know its not ideal but Is it ok to continue sleeping in the same bed for a while, as nothing more than best friends?

Absolutely not, if thats your attitude and it's truley over, you should be moving out Today!

Taltos

Tallon wrote: »

Absolutely not, if thats your attitude and it's truley over, you should be moving out Today!

+1
Staying around in any capacity will just hurt them more in the long run and will actually do the opposite of what you hope.
As long as you are on the scene some flicker of hope will be alive and when you do eventually move on fully they will be back to square one again.

If it is over in your mind then break all contact immediately.
Just don't string them along in any fashion - not even to make it easier on them or you...

diverdad

drumlinsa wrote: »

I know its a bit shallow

I would say it is very shallow and self obsorbed

i've decided i want to lead a sinful life (for a while anyway)

It's very much me, me, me. You want out of a relationship purely to play the field?

Partner is devastated.

Hardly surprising if you have told him/her that you just want to start sleeping around more and you are finishing with them.

I know its not ideal but Is it ok to continue sleeping in the same bed for a while, as nothing more than best friends?

Short answer; No. You want to play the field but keep a back up or a handy 'friend with benefits' around. This is controlling and selfish. If its over then its over and you should leave.

Dearly care for the person and am willing to stick around and help them go thru love cold turkey but am afraid that too many hugs and being in close proximity may hinder rather than help the break-up.

It will of course hinder any recovery from the break-up. You no longer 'dearly care' for this person as you have decided that you want to sleep around. You want to play the field. You don't want to continue in a relationship with this person.

Its over. You want it to be over. Move on and have some respect for the other person involved.

GeorgeCostanza

drumlinsa wrote: »

I know its a bit shallow

It's more than a bit shallow...

drumlinsa wrote: »

Partner is devastated.

Don't feel too bad - in time, he'll realise that he's had a lucky escape. Just cut him loose and show him a little bit of respect.

Miss Fluff

If you truly care for your ex you will do the decent thing and move out.

Your selfless and humaniatrian reasoning behind why you should share a bed is not entirely believable tbh - it just doesn't quite cut the mustard.

If the other party is devastated, you need to make a swift clean break rather than instill false hope and cultivate head-fcuks by sharing a bed with the poor unfortunate injured party.

Do the decent thing and leave them get over you in peace....

Distorted

drumlinsa wrote: »

I know its a bit shallow but decided to break up with my long-term partner as i've decided i want to lead a sinful life (for a while anyway)
Thought honest break up would be better than cheat deceit, dorian grey etc.
Partner is devastated.
I know its not ideal but Is it ok to continue sleeping in the same bed for a while, as nothing more than best friends?
Dearly care for the person and am willing to stick around and help them go thru love cold turkey but am afraid that too many hugs and being in close proximity may hinder rather than help the break-up.

Translated as "I want to sleep around to bolster my own self esteem/because I think I can do better. I've told my partner this. I'd like to sleep in the same bed as them when it suits me so I'm guaranteed emotional closeness from someone that cares about me. But I'm not prepared to give any of that emotional closeness back because as soon as I meet someone more interesting, I'm off. I think thats fair because I've told my partner where he stands. I feel guilty but not guilty enough not to continue to string them along/use them when I feel like it, while looking out for more excitement with other people".

If you are splitting up, then do that. Don't give the other person false hope. Don't sleep in the same bed as them. Don't be in close proximity to them and hug them. Move on, and let them do the same.

TitoPuente

Distorted wrote: »

Translated as "I want to sleep around to bolster my own self esteem/because I think I can do better. I've told my partner this. I'd like to sleep in the same bed as them when it suits me so I'm guaranteed emotional closeness from someone that cares about me. But I'm not prepared to give any of that emotional closeness back because as soon as I meet someone more interesting, I'm off. I think thats fair because I've told my partner where he stands. I feel guilty but not guilty enough not to continue to string them along/use them when I feel like it, while looking out for more excitement with other people".

Precisely. Frighteningly selfish and abusive attitude to be perfectly honest. Do this person a favour and leave them alone to get over you. They deserve better.

miec

Precisely. Frighteningly selfish and abusive attitude to be perfectly honest. Do this person a favour and leave them alone to get over you. They deserve better.

+1

You are stringing them along and your behaviour is unloving and cruel. Do the kind thing and leave.

Zen65

drumlinsa wrote: »

I know its a bit shallow but decided to break up with my long-term partner as i've decided i want to lead a sinful life (for a while anyway)

Perhaps this is an attempt by you to be whimsical about the issue, but it really does come across as incredibly self-indulgent and yes, shallow. I wonder how much thought you've given to this, and what plans you have made to implement your plan?

drumlinsa wrote: »

Thought honest break up would be better than cheat deceit, dorian grey etc.
Partner is devastated.

Honesty is certainly the best policy, but from where you started this post, it does not appear to be in any way redeeming of you!

drumlinsa wrote: »

I know its not ideal but Is it ok to continue sleeping in the same bed for a while, as nothing more than best friends?

Probably not. Firstly, if you think you are anybody's best friend right now, you are probably mistaken. What your partner needs now is a real friend, and you have shown yourself to be very far short of that mark.

My comments may seem harsh and judgemental, and I actually don't mean them that way about you, but your post is incredibly insulting to your partner's feelings and dignity, and the assertion that you are concerned about them rings hollow.

You should not be obliged to stay in a relationship if you are unhappy with it, and where separation is not adversely affecting others (kids, etc). Your post simply suggests that you want to indulge yourself in a selfish way, and if this is true then you should not have allowed the current relationship to have become "long term", as this was probably dishonest of you. In terms of where you go from here, well the first step is simply to go! Leave them, let them get support from whatever friends they have.

While you are playing the field I suggest that you also try to learn about relationships. Learn the importance of respect for a partner..... perhaps you can find a friend who will explain that to you, maybe you'll read about it in Cosmo, or maybe you'll realise it only after somebody comes along who decides to treat you as badly as you have treated your partner?

Be at peace,

Z

drumlinsa

thanks for all the replys , lots to think about

By the way

My ex has no family or friends in this country.
And she needs someone right now

We share 2 mortgages and own the house together, i cant financially leave right away and have nowhere to go yet but hope to in the near future.

jimmycrackcorm

drumlinsa wrote: »

thanks for all the replys , lots to think about

By the way

My ex has no family or friends in this country.
And she needs someone right now

We share 2 mortgages and own the house together, i cant financially leave right away and have nowhere to go yet but hope to in the near future.

If you had any decency then you would have organized somewhere else before your announcement. You're just adding fuel to the fire by being there.

you're right - she does need someone but it's definitely not you - but of course you do need to stay.

Not cool at all.

thefeatheredcat

The poor woman - I truly feel bad for her

I certainly hope that you realise despite you own the house together does not give you the right to bring your lovers to that house!

And I hope that if you've nowhere to go right now, you find a mate's couch to sleep on or pay for a hotel room at your own independant expense while your ex gets her head together on what to do.

I may not have a clue who your ex is, but wow, I'd be tempted to meet her and give her some comfort and someone to turn to myself if she has nobody available to her. I hope her family visit in this time of need, truly, I do

TitoPuente

You've got 2 mortgages with this woman? The relationship actually got that far and now you've decided you want to throw that away so you can run off and sow your oats? Wow. I'm not sure I actually believe that this isn't a wind up because if what you say is true and you're as cruel and selfish as you say you are... then there's little hope for you. You should think about seeing a counsellor.

sbsquarepants

Of course it's a wind up!
Nobody is that callous.

Wagon

sbsquarepants wrote: »

Of course it's a wind up!
Nobody is that callous.

I'm afraid they are bud. Read through the threads and you'll see what i mean.