interfering family

LegacyUser

Hi all, going unreg for this.
I am with my OH over 2 years, we are in our mid to late 20's.
He is currently working in the UK, so at present I am not seeing much of him.

We get on very well together, we just seems to click, he's very easy going, whereas I'm more highly strung; but it works.

The thing I'm beginning to think of the long-term. I find his family interfering, he has 4 sisters,his father is dead. There are so demanding towards him and expect him to do EVERYTHING for them at the click of a finger. He never stands up to them, even when I tell him he should as he is being walked over. I am made to feel pressured into doing things by his sisters although I don't give in often, as I like to suit myself. Also from my own experience of my fathers siblings and the crap my mother had to put up with from years of them, I am very dubious of interfering families.

Also my OH does not see it as a major problem, when i point certain things out to him.....such as; a few months ago I was going over to the UK to see him and he had this great idea of suggesting that one of his sisters should come over with me. I explained to him that I am not going over too him to spend time with his sister and that if she is going over I am not. The sister did not go over but only because I put my foot down.

As well as this is family are alot different to my family. My family are very quiet, we never go to the pub together, and we are very open about our feelings and we have alot of conversations as a family. His family always go to the pub together, drink more than I would consider normal. never talk about their feelings when they are sober, so when they've drink on board alot of cr*p comes out.

I suppose what I'm asking is, is it possible to be happy with someone even if you know their family are going to be interfering?
I do not want to end up in a situation like my mum where she had years of hassle (not my fathers fault as such) I have talked to her in length about how I am feeling at the moment but I need some un-involved people to give me their opinions.
I am also of the opinion, that if I feel this is not going anywhere, I do not want to waste my OH's time and I want to be honest about things. I do love him but I know that other factors can ruin a relationship.

blueyedson

You need to sit down and talk it all through with him, tell him exactly how you feel and how his family make you feel when they are interfering too much.

Its best that he gets it straight from you now because he may not want a relationship down the line if he ends up in the middle of you and them and has to choose.

Two people together should always treat each other as priority over their family, I suppose though it can hurt some people too much breaking away from their faimily.

Talking it all through now and being totally honest with each other is the best way forward.

D rog

If you really love him and want it to work long term then keep that to the front of your mind. Other issues are workable.

You do need to sit down and explain that you have and will continue to have your boundaries which he and, by extension, they will have to respect.
If you can set out that much it's start.

LegacyUser

If I am totally honest with him I don't think he will take it too well. He is quite protective over his family. I have said things and pointed things out but his responce is usually.......that he's do anything if it meant there'd be no argument. therefore he is always pleasing them and has been doing this all his life. Also due to this the chances are he is always trying to please me, I do not want that, I want him to be honest/open with me.

Its not that I do not get on with his family but sometimes i feel like screaming because they are so demanding over him. I can never see him actually standing up to his family and putting them in their place or telling them to mind their own business.

WhatWillBee

partners family a problem wrote: »

We get on very well together, we just seems to click, he's very easy going, whereas I'm more highly strung; but it works.

well obviously it doesnt if him being so easy going and not doing what you tell him is the problem

partners family a problem wrote: »

He never stands up to them, even when I tell him he should as he is being walked over. I am made to feel pressured into doing things by his sisters although I don't give in often, as I like to suit myself. Also my OH does not see it as a major problem,.

Why should he stand up to them because you tell him to? It seems to me he is happy with his family situation and you are the only one whos bothered by it.

partners family a problem wrote: »

a few months ago I was going over to the UK to see him and he had this great idea of suggesting that one of his sisters should come over with me. I explained to him that I am not going over too him to spend time with his sister and that if she is going over I am not. The sister did not go over but only because I put my foot down.

So basically, he wanted to see his sister and you together and you 'put your foot down' and refused? Basically making him choose between you and his family? Lovely.

partners family a problem wrote: »

As well as this is family are alot different to my family. My family are very quiet, we never go to the pub together, and we are very open about our feelings and we have alot of conversations as a family. His family always go to the pub together, drink more than I would consider normal. never talk about their feelings when they are sober, so when they've drink on board alot of cr*p comes out.

This comes across as judgemental and makes me think you are a bit of a snob tbh if you look down on his family so much.

partners family a problem wrote: »

I suppose what I'm asking is, is it possible to be happy with someone even if you know their family are going to be interfering?
I do not want to end up in a situation like my mum where she had years of hassle (not my fathers fault as such) I have talked to her in length about how I am feeling at the moment but I need some un-involved people to give me their opinions.
I am also of the opinion, that if I feel this is not going anywhere, I do not want to waste my OH's time and I want to be honest about things. I do love him but I know that other factors can ruin a relationship.

What you should be asking yourself is, is it possible to be happy with someone when their own relationship with their family is something you think you should be able to control?

Partners family a problem wrote: »

If I am totally honest with him I don't think he will take it too well. He is quite protective over his family. I have said things and pointed things out but his responce is usually.......that he's do anything if it meant there'd be no argument. therefore he is always pleasing them and has been doing this all his life. Also due to this the chances are he is always trying to please me, I do not want that, I want him to be honest/open with me.

Its not that I do not get on with his family but sometimes i feel like screaming because they are so demanding over him. I can never see him actually standing up to his family and putting them in their place or telling them to mind their own business.

Honestly, your poor boyfriend sounds so henpecked! My god, its HIS relationship with his family, how is this your problem?? From what youve said, they may be demanding of him and ask a lot, but he seems fine with that.

How exactly is your relationship suffering because of his family? Thats what I dont get?? He asked to see you and his sister at the same time, thats not putting them first thats looking to spend time with his family and his girlfriend? And you made him choose?? Wow.


Look, I dont think you mean to be as controlling as you are coming across. I think maybe because he is living a ways away and because of your own experiences within your own family, that you may be protecting yourself from what you see as the beginning of a problem thats probably not there.

You love your boyfriend, you dont have to love his family, but you do have to respect them and the relationship he chooses to have with them. If this is reason enough for you to leave him, then maybe your hearts not in it anyway? Dont put yourself between him and his family, thats an awful thing to do to somebody.

If youre not happy with how hes treating YOU directly, then you should be able to talk to him without ever mentioning his family. If the worst thing about your boyfriend is that hes too close to his family, I would count your lucky stars!

jimmycrackcorm

OP - I think you are redefining the meaning of interfering. You haven't mentioned anything of how you actually get on with his family. It just seems you totally reject them.

Your perception is clearly motivated by your mothers experience

Also from my own experience of my fathers siblings and the crap my mother had to put up with from years of them

.

How is his family interfering when you said that he suggested his sister come over to the UK. sounds to me that you are the one throwing the soother out of the pram.

Sounds to me like your mother has poisoned your mind towards a partners siblings

I do not want to end up in a situation like my mum where she had years of hassle

whereas he simply thought you and his sister would get on great - talk girly stuff and be all connected through family. Why else would he suggest that his sister come along?

The sister did not go over but only because I put my foot down

There you go - the only evidence in your post of who was actually walking over him.

Beruthiel

partners family a problem wrote: »

I find his family interfering, he has 4 sisters,his father is dead. There are so demanding towards him and expect him to do EVERYTHING for them at the click of a finger.

What do you mean by everything?

I am made to feel pressured into doing things by his sisters

Maybe they just want to include you and make you feel welcome.

Also my OH does not see it as a major problem, when i point certain things out to him.....such as; a few months ago I was going over to the UK to see him and he had this great idea of suggesting that one of his sisters should come over with me. I explained to him that I am not going over too him to spend time with his sister and that if she is going over I am not. The sister did not go over but only because I put my foot down.

I can understand that.
If I hadn't seen my OH in weeks/months, I wouldn't want a gooseberry either. Instead of 'putting your foot down' could you not just explain that you wanted him all to yourself as ye have such precious little time together?

LegacyUser

I am not a snob, I do not look down my nose at his family.
He is not totally happy with the way his family treat him but he will not stand up to them, he will do anything to avoid confrontation.
He comes homes every few months and the minute he is home they give him jobs to do. If one of his sisters wants him to go out they will NOT take no for an answer and they throw complete stropps, which I find utterly childish and selfish.
My mother has not poisoned my mind either she just wants me to be happy thats all. she is a psychotherapist so she knows what she is talking about.

I am in no way controlling, I just point things out to him. I have put up with alot from his family, I don't want to go into everything on this. He feels he needs to involve his sisters in everything we do all the time.
Jimmycrackcorm, what man in his right mind would even suggest that his sister come over with his girlfriend to see him. I see my OH every 3 months if i'm lucky, and as selfish as this may seem, If i see him I do not want his sister with me. If the sisters decide to go over on another occasion thats obviously perfectly ok.
my OH is 28, I feel it is time that he stood his ground in regards to his family and that if he does not want to do something then they should respect that.

WhatWillBee

partners family a problem wrote: »

If one of his sisters wants him to go out they will NOT take no for an answer and they throw complete stropps, which I find utterly childish and selfish.

Strops? you mean like putting their foot down about something that isnt going their way?

partners family a problem wrote: »

what man in his right mind would even suggest that his sister come over with his girlfriend to see him. I see my OH every 3 months if i'm lucky, and as selfish as this may seem, If i see him I do not want his sister with me. If the sisters decide to go over on another occasion thats obviously perfectly ok.

If he only sees you every 3 months how often does his family see him? did you consider that since it was HIS idea for his sister to come over, he might have wanted to spend time with all of you since time is so limited? Is that really that horrible? Sure maybe a little inconsiderate, and not the ideal, but surely you couldve just said that to him and made sure you were alone the next weekend for him to make it up to you.

partners family a problem wrote: »

my OH is 28, I feel it is time that he stood his ground in regards to his family and that if he does not want to do something then they should respect that.

and if he does not want to do something about his family YOU should respect that.



How exactly is his family interfering with your relationship???

By wanting to spend time with him? You already said his time is limited and you dont get to see him often, so Im sure they dont either, so a bit of overlap would be expected.

You seem to be the one looking to interfere in their relationship, the only one that seems to be throwing a strop over not getting their own way here is you.

Seriously, could you not just relax a bit? You have to deal with your boyfriends family, well tough, so does every girlf/boyf. The situation sucks a bit more for you because you dont get to see him that often and so his time is stretched even more.


If you want to break up with him only because he wants to spend some of his precious time with his family (at the same time as you no less), then the guy is better off without you anyway.

On the other hand, long distance is tough,if you love him and want to be with him, you have to accept his family and the relationship he chooses to have with them. You dont get to control that, you only get to control whether or not you are with him, as he is. Either way, I wish you the best of luck!

astra2000

Hi op I would urge you to go easy with this, family dynamics can be so easily upset and if a row kicks off it could fester for a long time. There was obviously some sort of precedent set before you came along where your bf helped out and was seen as the man of the family as his dad is dead. Were he living over here and they were seeing more of you as a couple things may have changed sooner. Are any of his sisters married/have a family of their own? Is your bf the youngest and they still feel ownership of him? Speak with your bf and find out what parts of his relationship with his family HE is not happy with ask him to be truthful and not to just tell you what he thinks you want to hear. He cant change every thing overnight but he could try working on one issue at a time in a way he finds workable. Just because your mother had issues with her inlaws does not mean you will I think no one will ever fully get their own inlaws but please dont drive a wedge between your bf and them or allow them to drive a wedge between you two.