Trust Issue

LegacyUser

Ok, so today my boyfriend of 6 years told me that 2 years ago he got really drunk one night and "was preyed upon" by a so called friend of his. This girl apparently kissed him while he had his eyes closed and had his head on the bar. It only lasted a second or two until he apparently realised it wasn't me. He told me because he couldn't deal with the guilt anymore and our relationship is supposed to be built on trust. Now he's left it up to me to decide what to do. I'm torn. Firstly, because it took him 2 years to tell me. I feel like such a fool for that alone, because basically he was going around like nothing happened and I was none the wiser. Secondly, because I don't understand how this girl could have actually approached my boyfriend and kissed him while he was barely concious - it doesn't seem believable. He says he doesn't remember most of the night as he was so hammered, so his friends had to confirm that she did kiss him. Obviously I love him, but I never wanted to be one of those girls who took any kind of crap or mistreatment. I really hate that he's using his drunken state as an excuse as, although it put him in a bad situation it didn't seem to effect his drinking in the years following. I also don't know whether I should try and contact the girl who started all this (she's still my boyfriend's friend on facebook). I really wouldn't mind hearing her side of the story, but it's unlikely she'll reply to me or give me an honest account. I just wanted to hear some different opinions and advice really. Thanks.

LegacyUser

AnonTorn wrote: »

Ok, so today my boyfriend of 6 years told me that 2 years ago he got really drunk one night and "was preyed upon" by a so called friend of his.

A kiss isn't that much to worry over in my opinion. The fact that he seems to be blaming the other girl for his own actions is far more worrying. That and the drinking til he's hammered. Do you really want to spend your life with someone who needs to get hammered when he goes out? (You're going out six years, so I'm assuming he's not in his late teens/early twenties)
Tell him that you don't like it when he gets hammered because it causes him to do things that hurt you. You should be his top priority, full stop. Why should you throw away your future on someone who can't handle himself?

shebango

unregistered wrote: »

A kiss isn't that much to worry over in my opinion. The fact that he seems to be blaming the other girl for his own actions is far more worrying. That and the drinking til he's hammered. Do you really want to spend your life with someone who needs to get hammered when he goes out? (You're going out six years, so I'm assuming he's not in his late teens/early twenties)
Tell him that you don't like it when he gets hammered because it causes him to do things that hurt you. You should be his top priority, full stop. Why should you throw away your future on someone who can't handle himself?

+ 1 million!

Zen65

unregistered wrote: »

A kiss isn't that much to worry over in my opinion. The fact that he seems to be blaming the other girl for his own actions is far more worrying. That and the drinking til he's hammered. Do you really want to spend your life with someone who needs to get hammered when he goes out? (You're going out six years, so I'm assuming he's not in his late teens/early twenties)
Tell him that you don't like it when he gets hammered because it causes him to do things that hurt you. You should be his top priority, full stop. Why should you throw away your future on someone who can't handle himself?

Yes, that sums it up in a nutshell.

Z

jimmycrackcorm

I don't think you shoudl make a big deal about it. One way or another it was a drunken kiss so it wasn't a deliberate set out to cheat. you should also focus on the fact that he felt enough to bring it up when he could have let sleeping dogs lie.

There's probably more to it. People when drunk will do things that they wouldn't dream off when they are sober.

Do you really want to spend your life with someone who needs to get hammered when he goes out?

It's a poor excuse but lets not turn one incident into alcoholism.

OP, there's not a lot you can do really except let this one go. There's not enough evidence to condemn the man, but the thing is, we're all human and make mistakes. Everyone deserves a second chance, but not a third.

Pdfile

AnonTorn wrote: »

Ok, so today my boyfriend of 6 years told me that 2 years ago he got really drunk one night and "was preyed upon" by a so called friend of his. This girl apparently kissed him while he had his eyes closed and had his head on the bar. It only lasted a second or two until he apparently realised it wasn't me. He told me because he couldn't deal with the guilt anymore and our relationship is supposed to be built on trust. Now he's left it up to me to decide what to do. I'm torn. Firstly, because it took him 2 years to tell me. I feel like such a fool for that alone, because basically he was going around like nothing happened and I was none the wiser. Secondly, because I don't understand how this girl could have actually approached my boyfriend and kissed him while he was barely concious - it doesn't seem believable. He says he doesn't remember most of the night as he was so hammered, so his friends had to confirm that she did kiss him. Obviously I love him, but I never wanted to be one of those girls who took any kind of crap or mistreatment. I really hate that he's using his drunken state as an excuse as, although it put him in a bad situation it didn't seem to effect his drinking in the years following. I also don't know whether I should try and contact the girl who started all this (she's still my boyfriend's friend on facebook). I really wouldn't mind hearing her side of the story, but it's unlikely she'll reply to me or give me an honest account. I just wanted to hear some different opinions and advice really. Thanks.

if he had the nuts to admit it your doing well on that alone.


Break his arse for a few weeks....


Then Take him back under somewhat stricter guide lines for a while ( to be expected... no ? )

Taltos

Hi OP

Few things.

1. He was kissed and stopped it once he realised it was not you.
So to me - that is a no blame situation. Ideally what should have happened was he should have lost the head with her - spilled his guts to you and you could have lost the head with her too.

2. Not telling you.
This to me is a bit more serious - he held this in for 2 years, and effectively lied to you. Maybe he thought that you would dump him - but it comes down to trust - he did not trust you enough not to dump him. We are all stupid sometimes - so you have to decide if this lack of trust or better - poor judgement is a dumpable offence.

3. Drinking until he is hammered.
Many of us have had a really bad experience drinking. Some of us learn from it and learn to control ourselves. I think you have to ask why has he not learned to moderate? Does he have an alcohol addiction?

Right now - I think I would let him know you are furious.
a) That he lied to you and did not trust you enough. Bigger question - what else has he lied about to you...
b) That he is not bright enough to have learnt from this mistake, what happens next time. Drink is not an excuse - though many try to use it as one...

Me - I would focus on those 2 things. As to the kiss - she kissed him - and he stopped it once he realised what was happening...

LegacyUser

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

It's a poor excuse but lets not turn one incident into alcoholism.

It happened two years ago, and she said it hasn't affected his drinking habits in that time ie he still goes out and gets hammered. I didn't say he was an alcoholic. An alcoholic is someone who puts drink first above everything else in his/her life. Someone who goes out and gets hammered can't handle themselves, as shown by what her boyfriend did. On top of that, he blamed the other girl for the kiss, he had no part in it-he was 'preyed upon'. Nothing wrong with making mistakes, but don't try and blame someone else for them.

LegacyUser

OP here. Really appreciate all your comments so far. Getting a bit of everything really.

Just one or two things before I update ye. Firstly, we are actually both under 25 as we started going out when we were finished our leaving cert. and he is, as such, still in college. I also don't drink myself, so I think that's one reason why I'm less willing to accept the drinking as an excuse.

Over the last day or two I've moved from upset to angry. Basically, as Taltos has said, it's come down to trust. I have also, maybe whilst not of sound mind, e-mailed the girl who he kissed and a friend who was also there so I could get a bigger perspective of the situation as it happened (which I had told my boyfriend I would do). I don't regret it as I needed to know. I recieved replies from both (the girl was extremely apologetic), and they gave a similar account of events, though the girl said that she ended the kiss when she realised what was happening.

The thing I'm wondering now is, why, if he was completely blacked out drunk and had to ask confirmation of the event the next day, did he claim that he stopped the kiss when he realised it wasn't me. You're either thinking logically or you're not, I would think. And in this case, it seems to have been the latter, so why is he providing a logical excuse for stopping? I'm finding difficulty believing this, particularly as it doesn't measure up against the girl's description of events.