Pushing myself away

LegacyUser

Justa little bit of background. I'm 20, male, short, go to college and have a physical disability. For the last couple of years, I've been consciously driving people out of my life and its all my fault. I think I only have one friend, and I wouldn't call them a true friend.

I havent spoken to my aunt, who lives next door in over a year. This happened off the back of an argument I dont remember much of now. But I'm unable to say sorry or whatever. All my life I've been perceived as weak and I guess I think by doing so, I lose whatever control I have left.

Same sort of thing is happening in college. Back in 1st year I was pretty good friends with two girls in college, but we didnt really go out socially much due to me being commuting to college. We had an argument and I just stopped talking to them. I know this sounds petulant or whatever, but again I cant muster up an apology.. It really didn't help with the fact that I was crazy about one of the girls in particular.

So for the past year I've been sitting alone in lectures, not really socialising with anyone anymore. I dont go to the canteen, hang out in the student room, and I leave early whenever possible. College academically is fine, but this isnt how college is supposed to be, and I guess its my fault..

And my old friends locally all treated me like ****, and I was sick of it, so I stopped keeping in contact with them too. Going out in public is a difficult thing for me, as I really cant stand people looking at my limp wherever I go. Its as if they judge you on that initial moment they see your limp and thats what I think of everyone who sees me.

I have considered suicide the past few months. Do I have depression? Am I over-reacting? What can I do to make my life marginally better?

Zen65

lonerby wrote: »

But I'm unable to say sorry or whatever. All my life I've been perceived as weak and I guess I think by doing so, I lose whatever control I have left.

This my sound harsh, but I genuinely mean it with great respect and empathy:

You think you are perceived as weak because you have a physical disability? You have indicated in your post that you find it offensive that somebody should judge you on the basis of that one physical issue. But what I am reading here is that you have judged yourself, even defined yourself by that same small infirmity. Saying "sorry" when you are in the wrong is not a weakness, it is a strength. Weakness is when you refuse to face yourself for what you are.

You are what you do, not what you have.

So, if you wish to change how others see you, show strength.... the real strength that is so lacking in many people today.... apologise (sincerely) to those you have wronged. Your life will improve shortly afterwards.


I wish you well; be at peace,

Z

Nulty

It seems you have all the answers, your just not acting on them. Most of the work is done for you. You just have to do the hard part and fix the things you have broken. You have to give yourself over to the problem and leave all your hangups behind or else you won't lead a fulfilling life.

Smile and try not to give a toss.

Thats my 2c
Good luck

LegacyUser

Hi Op,

Very sorry to hear your feeling lonely and self conscious about your limp. I found college very challenging and i was popular with a good few friends but i didnt find my real friends until my final year so up till then i felt quite insecure socially, i think its is normal to feel the way you do but i also get the impression that you want to feel young and out having fun in your college years thats prob why you are feeling down, i think your beating yourself up a bit too much though because you probably had good reason not to speak to your aunt or the others like what if it is a strength you have, you are not a bull ****ter and you stood up for yourself? Maybe you just havent met the right people yet that you could click with, you do have to start believing that there are perfect friends out there for you and try and accept your limp and embrace it as something that is positive i know that might be hard but you could turn it round into a positive thing about you, you can still look hot and hold your head up high confidently. So start writing down the type of friends and fun and excitment you want to have, see yourself in the sutuation and start feeling what its like, i know it might sound mad but i keep a note book and write out things i want all the time so i can manifest them, i swear the exact situation comes about for me, its all about attracting it to you and you allowing it to come to you.

My step Dad had a Limp and he struggled when he was younger but he said as he got older he just didnt let it define him and he never let it bother him, i never noticed it with him because he never made a big deal about it, i think when you find your confidence you will be fine,

As regards the feeling suicidal, you are lonely and feeling dejected, you need to see yourself in a positive light, sometimes we can be our worst friend because we dont tell ourselves enough how well we are doing. Dont feel overwhelmed by this just take action and start to see friendly people in your life, I can totally understand that having your limp has held you back, but again it is prob more you holding things back then others, you deserve fun and friends, just take small steps and watch it come to you!!

LegacyUser

Hi Op here,

The girl who I'm still hung up on, and who I dont speak to, has tried making amends but I can't bring myself to talk back..

I think it would be unfair to myself and her if we did, because I need to get over her. And she's obviously not comfortable with the fact that I am still mad about her, so I cant do anything really.

I reckon she only wants to make amends because we have a group project coming up soon, and if we are paired together, it wouldn't be difficult. Or she's actually seeing how miserable I am at college.

But honestly, for my sake, I need to continue cutting my contact with her. Its the only way I think I'll be able to get her out of my mind..