Who's in the wrong?

LegacyUser

So my girlfriend having her graduation soon from collage away from our local town. A few weeks ago she asked me was i coming to the meal and I said sure if she wants me to. That was grand anyway few weeks past.

Then recently she booked a hotel room with another girl to stay up that night. After she had this done I asked her if her parents were staying up and she said she did not know. She then asked me if i wanted to stay but sure she already had a room booked with someone else so clearly she hadn't planned on asking me. Anyway after bring it up with her after a bit she said "its her grad, who am i going to talk to anyway that its prob the last time she will she this people and wants to make the most of it"

I fully understand this and would have no problem with that if she had said to me look do you mind if you dont stay up I want to make the most of the night out with collage friends.

But the fact she never asked me booked a room and afterwards after i brought it up she asked after she made it clear she didnt want me to stay.

Something like this also happened for the collage ball, she was not sure about bring me as im a shy guy and was going to go with a friend. She was asking her friends and everything if she should bring me. I ended up going in the end.

Anyway maybe im been self centered, so looking for peoples view on it please.

That_Guy

Personally I wouldn't have gone. It's her graduation with her mates. I would've just left her to enjoy the night with her mates.

If she was going out for a girl's night out you wouldn't go along would you?

Course not.

Did she mind you going in the end?

Distorted

Why didn't you go ahead and book the room for her and yourself, and treat her? tbh I'd be wondering how serious about this relationship she is, but if I was her, I'd also be a bit confused about what you want. You don't really seem to be taking on the role of boyfriend that strongly, which is maybe why she is asking her friends what to do and relying on her friends.

LegacyUser

A thread labelled 'Who's in the wrong?' by a poster who calls himself Meorher. Oneupmanship is not something that exists in a good relationship

You're in the wrong if you think playing a blame game is going to make yourself feel any better about your role in the relationship

whatsamsn

Hmmmmm,
well from reading your post its looking like she had no intention of you actually coming with her. Booking the hotel with another friend was a clear intention of this. You say she invited you weeks before, but as it draws nearer she did hit you with the "well who are you going to talk to line" (personally i think she would of rather you not come all along)

As Distored said, maybe you are not being boyfriend enough. What I mean by that is being assertive etc. But we will leave that aside for a second.


My two cents is that I ... I dont see this relationship going anywhere.
People within a happy relationship invite their partners to important events within their life. This is not some regular night out. Its a college grad. It stands out. The fact is if she doesnt want you there is an alarm bell in my opinion.

LegacyUser

That_Guy wrote: »

Personally I wouldn't have gone. It's her graduation with her mates. I would've just left her to enjoy the night with her mates.

If she was going out for a girl's night out you wouldn't go along would you?

Course not.

Did she mind you going in the end?

Mind me going to which? the collage ball? No she was happy in the end I came to it. I even book us into the hotel it was on and told her the night before as a surprise. But the fact the weeks leading up to it she was unsure about if she should bring me or not or go with a female single friend. I would of thought the graduation night would be something you would bring your other half to?

I have no problem if she wants to go alone with her collage friends just the way she went about it.

LegacyUser

Distorted wrote: »

Why didn't you go ahead and book the room for her and yourself, and treat her? tbh I'd be wondering how serious about this relationship she is, but if I was her, I'd also be a bit confused about what you want. You don't really seem to be taking on the role of boyfriend that strongly, which is maybe why she is asking her friends what to do and relying on her friends.

She has the hotel booked, with a friend who is having her graduation too. When i found this out i asked if her parents are staying she said she did not know and then asked if I was. I said sure no point now you have it booked. And she cant have the other girl paying full room rate as she is single. Maybe im not taking my role strong enough, but i feel i always try and do my best for her. We are going out over 5 years if that makes a difference. Also the fact i might be making a big deal over it is as we rarely get any nights together, the fact we both live at home with parents and cant afford to move out etc maybe why I take it so serious.

LegacyUser

whatsamsn wrote: »

Hmmmmm,
well from reading your post its looking like she had no intention of you actually coming with her. Booking the hotel with another friend was a clear intention of this. You say she invited you weeks before, but as it draws nearer she did hit you with the "well who are you going to talk to line" (personally i think she would of rather you not come all along)

As Distored said, maybe you are not being boyfriend enough. What I mean by that is being assertive etc. But we will leave that aside for a second.


My two cents is that I ... I dont see this relationship going anywhere.
People within a happy relationship invite their partners to important events within their life. This is not some regular night out. Its a college grad. It stands out. The fact is if she doesnt want you there is an alarm bell in my opinion.

Well the invite a few weeks ago was to a meal with her and her parents after the graduation, i didnt think I would have to go home after it and not be able to continue her celebrations into the night. I fully understand that its the last time with her collage friends and I dont want to be holding her back. But its the way it came up. If it was made more clear at the start that she wanted the time alone with friends grand I wouldnt of minded and fully understood.

Also the fact she had 3 collage years of collage nights out, and when I was doing my apprenticeship which is only a few weeks in collage on the very last day after my exams I went out with my class buddys and she asked me why I didnt ask her. It was my only time going out while i was in collage.

whatsamsn

^^
Ah that story huh?
Where it comes to her special events you are expected to not be invited with no big deal however when its your special event. Suddenly it feels a bit hurtful when you dont invite her to it?

I know the type op.

The only thing I will say is when a girl has an special event and the boyfriend isnt invited. It speaks alot of words. Its not that you HAVE to be invited but if you clearly are not. Thats bad. Thats bacisally saying she doesnt want you there. lets be honest.
Yes, it could just be she is selfish or its just a sign that she takes you for granted, or now your just the background-boyfriend.

If I was in your position, personally i'd really take that as a bad sign. You say you've been dating 5 years. I'd worry the relationship has become boring/taken for granted on her side. But yet she is still dating. I would put her in maybe camp of potentially cheating or dumping you out of no where. I know that sounds extreme. But if your gf doesnt want you to attend an important event such as a grad night... What are things going to become? ... you can only be pushed out more when it comes to future things.


I just see it as a bad sign to future events. Then again, im the type of person who has learned from his mistakes. To open your eyes in relationships.

the gob

whatsamsn wrote: »

^^
Ah that story huh?
Where it comes to her special events you are expected to not be invited with no big deal however when its your special event. Suddenly it feels a bit hurtful when you dont invite her to it?

I know the type op.

The only thing I will say is when a girl has an special event and the boyfriend isnt invited. It speaks alot of words. Its not that you HAVE to be invited but if you clearly are not. Thats bad. Thats bacisally saying she doesnt want you there. lets be honest.
Yes, it could just be she is selfish or its just a sign that she takes you for granted, or now your just the background-boyfriend.

If I was in your position, personally i'd really take that as a bad sign. You say you've been dating 5 years. I'd worry the relationship has become boring/taken for granted on her side. But yet she is still dating. I would put her in maybe camp of potentially cheating or dumping you out of no where. I know that sounds extreme. But if your gf doesnt want you to attend an important event such as a grad night... What are things going to become? ... you can only be pushed out more when it comes to future things.


I just see it as a bad sign to future events. Then again, im the type of person who has learned from his mistakes. To open your eyes in relationships.

i agree with this- after 5 years i think you should be the main person
she wants to share her success with- the fact shes not bothered means
alarm bells

LegacyUser

So now anyway she is saying she not going out and will pay the other girl her share of the hotel room and come home and that i win now hope im happy. I told her if she didnt go out I would break it off with her as its not want i wanted. I want to be considered more. So not sure where to go from here, it really upsets me know that she is upset now and prob crying herself to sleep. I dont doubt she loves, and i love her but how do we agree on this or do we just move on. She also said for my grad i can go out with who i want its my night. Easy said but unsure to how it would go if i go out without her for my grad.

LegacyUser

I have to agree with what others have said. I would want my bf there with me to celebrate my successes, absolutely. I would not make him feel left out at all, thats just mean.


Also beware of behaviour like this:

MeOrHer wrote: »

So now anyway she is saying she not going out and will pay the other girl her share of the hotel room and come home and that i win now hope im happy. So not sure where to go from here, it really upsets me know that she is upset now and prob crying herself to sleep.

Does she behave this way often? Honestly it sounds like she behaves that way in hopes to get her own way i.e make you feel bad/guilty so you'll feel like the "bad guy". Which is a horrible way to treat someone, and is a very immature way to act. You're trying to make a valid point and trying to tell her how you feel - wanting to be considered by your partner is a completely valid want. Respect for and from your partner is an absolute must. Yet it sounds like she doesn't want to hear your point of view. And personally that would really frustrate me.

If I were in your shoes I would wonder why my bf didn't want me there, and it would make me feel quite ****e.

tinkerbell

OP, you are going out with this girl for five years and she doesn't want to share her graduation experience with you? That is messed up. There is something seriously wrong with that. When I graduated, there is no way I would not have wanted my boyfriend there, even with all my friends going. And I also went to my boyfriend's graduation.

And as for throwing strops and saying "hope you're happy now", she sounds like a completely self-centered drama queen. You need to be having a chat with her. You have been going out for five years and if she doesn't start respecting you, then you need to stop wasting your time with her and find someone else. You do not deserve to be treated like that.

A graduation is an experience meant to be shared with family and friends. You are part of her family essentially. Excluding you is just so wrong. And unsure of whether to bring you to the college ball in the past too? Is this girl like 14 or something? Because who acts like that, and has to ask their friends if they think it's ok to bring their boyfriend? Talk about an immature girl, can she not think for herself?

OP, time for you to re-evaluate your relationship because she doesn't seem to care much about your feelings.

shellyboo

Ah here, in college she may be but she's acting like a child. There is one way to settle this argument: tell her, in all good grace, that you don't mind her going on her grad night out on her own.

Because really you don't, do you? What's annoying you is past behaviour, what she would do in your place, etc etc. So you're only really annoyed for the sake of being annoyed. And wanting to "win" an argument means everyone loses.

Tell her she's being a complete and utter manipulative brat, but that you wish her the best for her grad night out and let her off. Your good nature and maturity will hopefully shame some sense into her.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice everyone, so far nothing more has been said about it and I dont plan on bring it up or going to it even if she asks. So thats it i guess not much else I can do about it, im not going to break up with her over it away.

Floppybits

Meorher, I think there has been a miscommunication here somewhere along the line. I dont have much experience with them but from what I can work out is that there are 3 parts to a graduation, 1. the ceremony, 2. Meal with family and close friends (boyfriends whatever), 3. Party with mates from college. Now I maybe wrong. What I think your OH meant when she asked you to go to her graduation was to go to the first two, the ceremony and the family meal and then say your goodbyes and off she goes with her friends, the only problem her is that she didn't explain it properly or maybe she assumed that you knew what she meant.

To me you can put an end to this and tell her that you would love to go to her graduation and meal with her folks but you think that she should go out on her own with her mates from college.

Chinafoot

Floppybits wrote: »

Meorher, I think there has been a miscommunication here somewhere along the line. I dont have much experience with them but from what I can work out is that there are 3 parts to a graduation, 1. the ceremony, 2. Meal with family and close friends (boyfriends whatever), 3. Party with mates from college. Now I maybe wrong. What I think your OH meant when she asked you to go to her graduation was to go to the first two, the ceremony and the family meal and then say your goodbyes and off she goes with her friends, the only problem her is that she didn't explain it properly or maybe she assumed that you knew what she meant.

To me you can put an end to this and tell her that you would love to go to her graduation and meal with her folks but you think that she should go out on her own with her mates from college.

Totally agree with this post. She hasn't excluded the OP at all. She asked him to come for the meal. Why would he want to go on the last piss-up she's going to have with all her college mates, many of whom he might not know very well. Yes, she should have explained it better, but this "who's wrong?" craic is bullshít for your relationship.

If she's saying she's going to cancel and telling you "well done, you've won" I'd question how far you're pushing this "I'm in the right" stuff. It's very easy for us to assume she's being a spoilt madam but it may not be the case. She may be completely frustrated and baffled by how upset you are over this.

Let her have her night out with her friends, let her reminisce about her college experiences that you won't have been involved in without her having to worry that you're feeling left out of conversations and let her say goodbye to her student days. Tell her that you just would have liked a heads-up on her plans but that you're fine with her having a night with her friends. If you're not fine with it then there are deeper problems in your relationship than this issue.

fungun

Agree with last posts. I think she should want you there as part of the 'family' but although you could be invited i can understand her wanting a last night out with her college mates without having to look after you.

if it was me, id be fine with that, some nights it *is* more fun to be without a partner. Doesnt mean you dont love them or anything, its part of a mature relationship.

magneticimpulse

It depends how many of her college mates are in relationships? Maybe they are all single and she doesnt want to be the only one showing up to the grad ball with a boyfriend?

I know I was invited to my best friends grad ball because she had a boyfriend and he was going to be at the table with all of his "single mates", so to even out the numbers, I was invited along (it wasnt even my university).

Also, my brother is graduating in November with a degree and i wont have a graduation from a PhD (no graduation in France). I even asked my parents if I could come along to his...as he is family and parents said...ah sure you dont need to bother. So even sometimes, family are not invited along to these grads and he's only been my brother for 22 years ;(

whatsamsn

I have re-read this thread... and op...

Best advice anyone can give you right now is time to start thinking about the future ... by that i mean how is this relationship going to be like in say 6 months? Do you think you're girlfriend wont be putting you out in her life with special events then? Will her behaviour change? Will things get worse?

Op, i might be wrong. I dont know you or your girlfriend. But here is what I picked up:

• See all this "hope your happy" talk. Utter crap. Welcome to psychology 101 or "Emotional Blackmail" for a better phase. She is just trying to work you into feeling guilty and getting her own way.
• You say this happened before with the college ball. Same situation, she originally didnt want you to attend. But you end up going. She liked it. But now the same not wanting you to attend something else peaks its ugly head again.
• After 5 years with you.

So lets step out of the situation for a second. Girl who has bf for 5 years doesnt like him to be around when it comes to important events in her life. She uses emotional blackmail tactics to get her way. Time to have a long think.

Op, personally i think your relationship doesnt look good. Think of it from this way, if it does get worse and you have a bad break-up in X months time, you'll slap yourself for not coming down on this now.

Chinafoot

Also just to point out to all those who think she's excluding him from her "success". Students are generally allowed to bring 2 people to the actual graduation. This is more often than not the parents if both are on the scene. Should the OP's girlfriend tell a member of her family they can't go in order to let her boyfriend go? Of course not.

She invited him to the meal. She has not excluded him. As for the ball, the OP said himself that the girlfriend was unsure about bringing him because of how shy he is. She probably thought he wouldn't enjoy himself which is why she questioned whether or not to bring him.

I'm surprised by some of the replies here. She should have mentioned her plans to him, sure. However, she's not excluding him from the most important part of her life and how dare she after 5 years, she obviously doesn't care bout him yadda yadda yadda. What rubbish! He's going to the meal and then she's going on the lash with her mates. I don't see what the big deal is.

As for her emotional blackmail...did we all miss the part where the OP said "I told her if she didnt go out I would break it off with her as its not want i wanted." Hardly a beacon of maturity himself here.

LegacyUser

Chinafoot wrote: »

Also just to point out to all those who think she's excluding him from her "success". Students are generally allowed to bring 2 people to the actual graduation. This is more often than not the parents if both are on the scene. Should the OP's girlfriend tell a member of her family they can't go in order to let her boyfriend go? Of course not.

.

I see the point you making but it doesnt bare out in reality and is in fact a cheap excuse

You can always get extra tickets directly from the uni / institute- the 2 is a guideline to keep numbers down and generally manageable and most comply.
I've been to several graduations in multiple uni's (Lets just say I've more then three of four 3rd level qualifications -so I know first hand that this can be done in multiple uni's)

Also some people dont bring their parents *2 they bring their other half so hey have surplus tickets - which you can get from them unofficially also (Some of them return their allocation)
and some dont even go at all.

My point if you TRY you can get college grad tickets


"He's going to the meal and then she's going on the lash with her mates. I don't see what the big deal is."
WOW a meal wuppteedoo but he cant go on the lash with her - thats the big deal
She should want to involve him more not exclude him from elements of the night or at least have asked him first, whether he would like to go on the lash to OR if he'd be bored
Clearly that communication did not take place and thats the worrying sign.

LegacyUser

Op here again.

It seems things have snowballed here so I will try and clear it up.

Firstly I dont not want or ask to go the the graduation ceremony, thats for her parents to attend, but of course if they didnt want to go I would.

I will be at the collage for it but not in the graduation room. Im invited to the meal after the graduation with her and her family. I thought I would be invited to continue her celebrations into the night, but im not invited I will be heading home after the meal.

Now I fully understand last night will collage mates, make the most of it etc thats no problem with me if she had told me this, but instead room was booked with friend and only for me asking about it I prob still wouldnt know I wasnt invited to the pubs etc.


Seems easy right, sounds like communications got mixed up that she forgot to explain it right, but it kinda leads back to the ball where she was unsure to invite me or not so she could enjoy her night.

dfavdf wrote: »

"He's going to the meal and then she's going on the lash with her mates. I don't see what the big deal is."
WOW a meal wuppteedoo but he cant go on the lash with her - thats the big deal
She should want to involve him more not exclude him from elements of the night or at least have asked him first, whether he would like to go on the lash to OR if he'd be bored
Clearly that communication did not take place and thats the worrying sign.

Thats bang on the ball.

fungun

"communication did not take place and thats the worrying sign."

If this is typical then maybe its worrying. If tis is a once off then learn from it and move on. I have to say that reading this it seems like a bit of a non-issue that has turned into an issue because of a mix up, or her not being sure how to handle it.

If it was me, Id be giving her a hug, telling her i understand but that i wish she brought it up a bit earlier with me...and then forget about it.

Oh and

"She should want to involve him more not exclude him from elements of the night "

Er....why? There is no 'should'. Sometimes nights out with friends without are more fun without partners. Be mature

Chinafoot

dfavdf wrote: »

My point if you TRY you can get college grad tickets

In my experience you can't. We'll agree to disagree. The OP has said the ceremony isn't an issue which would again make me question why drinks with her friends that he's not going to know all that well is such an issue. Surely a meal with her family is more important if this is all about being included in her success as others have put it?

dfavdf wrote: »

"He's going to the meal and then she's going on the lash with her mates. I don't see what the big deal is."
WOW a meal wuppteedoo but he cant go on the lash with her - thats the big deal
She should want to involve him more not exclude him from elements of the night or at least have asked him first, whether he would like to go on the lash to OR if he'd be bored
Clearly that communication did not take place and thats the worrying sign.

I'm sorry, "wuppteedoo"?! Are you kidding me? People here siding with the OP are calling the girlfriends maturity into question and your answer here is "wuppteedoo". Stunning, yet not surprising from someone who has to hide behind unregged posting.

Are the rest of her family going on the lash with her? No they're not. Are they being "excluded from her success"? What gives him automtic rights to go out on the piss with her and her college friends? Oh wait, thats right, nothing.

Sounds like this is pure one-up-manship on the OPs part and he should grow up.