What is she thinking?

kilns

Hi Guys,

Need to a womans view on this on how a woman thinks :-)

Was going out with my ex for just over a year, we started living together for all but about 3 weeks of that. We were mad about each other did everything together and were so comfortable with each. We got into a bit of a lull and in hindsight we should have spoken to each other about it, however we didnt and I found texts from her to an ex of long time ago, dirty texts. We spoke about it and it knawed away at me and eventually I had to say I cant do this as the trust was gone. This totally devastated her and really hit her hard.

We remained in contact all the time however, texting alot. Then in Feb we decided to meet up again and give it a go slowly but surely. I think I tried too hard to get it back to gether as I think I was more in love with her at the time than she was and she didnt want to come back to the relationship and get hurt all over again. So after meeting up a few time for dinner and drinks things were ago but I knew her heart wasnt in it. Then one evening, I walked into a pub in town and found her kissing a guy drunkenly, she didnt see me. I left and I launched into a tirade via text on her calling her every name under the sun, I cleared out my apartment of every single thing that was hers that she had left and dumped it at her door.

After a month or two, we got in contact again and started texting. I am in love with her and she is the love of my life. And obviously there is something there if she keeps coming back to me too.

So on the anniversary of our breakup we met up for drinks and it just went slowly from there, we have met for dinner and drinks and things have been going great and I have a different vibe from her this time. Over the weekend, I cooked dinner for her and she said she would stay but no "funny business". So we slept in the same bed together but nothing happened, no kissing, hugging etc

I just want to know from a womens point of view, at what point are we? Is this a test of trust thing?

Thanks for your help, I dont want to mess it up this time as if it doesnt work I have to walk away from her this time, cause nobody compares to her

Sardonicat

Let me get this right; you think that she is testing your trust? She's worried about getting hurt? From what I can gather from your post, she was the one betraying your trust.

It sounds like she is bad news. She knows how to work you, that's for sure! You may be head-over-heels with this girl but she doesn't sound to me like she is mature enough to have a relationship, even if she does feel the same for you.

I think it's time to realise that, despsite your feelings, this isn't gonna work.

Clean break, as hard as it will be. And stop fallinig for her broken hearted victim act.

There are plenty of women out there who would be delighted with a fella like you. We're not all hysterical, manipulative slappers.

g'em

moved from tLL

j1974

kilns wrote: »

Hi Guys,

Need to a womans view on this on how a woman thinks :-)

Was going out with my ex for just over a year, we started living together for all but about 3 weeks of that. We were mad about each other did everything together and were so comfortable with each. We got into a bit of a lull and in hindsight we should have spoken to each other about it, however we didnt and I found texts from her to an ex of long time ago, dirty texts. We spoke about it and it knawed away at me and eventually I had to say I cant do this as the trust was gone. This totally devastated her and really hit her hard.

We remained in contact all the time however, texting alot. Then in Feb we decided to meet up again and give it a go slowly but surely. I think I tried too hard to get it back to gether as I think I was more in love with her at the time than she was and she didnt want to come back to the relationship and get hurt all over again. So after meeting up a few time for dinner and drinks things were ago but I knew her heart wasnt in it. Then one evening, I walked into a pub in town and found her kissing a guy drunkenly, she didnt see me. I left and I launched into a tirade via text on her calling her every name under the sun, I cleared out my apartment of every single thing that was hers that she had left and dumped it at her door.

After a month or two, we got in contact again and started texting. I am in love with her and she is the love of my life. And obviously there is something there if she keeps coming back to me too.

So on the anniversary of our breakup we met up for drinks and it just went slowly from there, we have met for dinner and drinks and things have been going great and I have a different vibe from her this time. Over the weekend, I cooked dinner for her and she said she would stay but no "funny business". So we slept in the same bed together but nothing happened, no kissing, hugging etc

I just want to know from a womens point of view, at what point are we? Is this a test of trust thing?

Thanks for your help, I dont want to mess it up this time as if it doesnt work I have to walk away from her this time, cause nobody compares to her

Hey,

I'll take a stab at it for you. I think you're ommiting some vital information which may give us a clearer insight into your relationship. Firstly, how do you just "find" Txts on your girlfriends phone? aside from it being a gross invasion of privacy, it tells us that you're either possesive, jealous or insecure. what was your true motivation here???? doesnt it tell you soemthing when you have to check your girlfriends phone for sex txts??? alert, alert!!!

you say after the initial break up, you then remained in contact??? who renewed the contact?? who instigated the new line of Txting??? When you met her in town, the night you saw her kissing another guy, where you back together? and did you arrange to meet her there?? or did you know she'd be there, you sound abit possessive to me?? there's too many coincidences here. Was she out with her mates and you just happened to show up?? also you say you're soooo in love with her, this type of unrequited love can breed strange, stalker like behaviour.

there's far too much of this "we got txting again, or back in contact" who is instigating the contact here realy??? after she sent dirty txts?? to her Ex and you still want to be with her. this happened only after a year together, nothing good can come of this. who's to say she didnt meet her Ex also??? and fllow thru on said Txts, you never know realy. Girls that are in a relasionship and sex txts their Ex's = bad news!!!

get over each other, you both need to do a bit of growing up, im suspecting she's the one being chased by you, alot. sounds like you wont let her go!!!!

Wagon

Firstly, how do you just "find" Txts on your girlfriends phone? aside from it being a gross invasion of privacy, it tells us that you're either possesive, jealous or insecure. what was your true motivation here???? doesnt it tell you soemthing when you have to check your girlfriends phone for sex txts??? alert, alert!!!

Who are you? his ex? "Jealous possesive insecure" my hole. He suspected something because maybe he hasn't got his head buried in the sand and noticed something was amiss. So he checked and he was absolutely right, she did have the bloody texts.

I think she's keeping you around for when she wants some company and to make herself feel better. If she was really interested, she'd be with you now. Happens when women meet other lads and don't get the same emotional connection as they did with an ex. So they go back to the ex for that. And ultimately, you end up the worst off. Get rid of her.

kilns

The way I found txts was I was going to send a funny txt from her to me. It was totally innocent. She had done similar to me. So I came across them by accident

she would usually renew contact after a long absence. She suggested the drink both times. The night I found her kissing, we were giving it a go the second time. I was in town after a game and came into a pub meeting friends from work, didnt know she was out even.

I am not a possesive guy, when we were going out and living together, i kept encouraging her to go out on nights out with her friends on nights out

You cant help who you fall in love with, we have a connection and we enjoy all the same things. We just need to learn from our mistakes

Taltos

kilns wrote: »

You cant help who you fall in love with, we have a connection and we enjoy all the same things. We just need to learn from our mistakes

No - you can't, but clearly from her actions she does NOT love you...
No - you don't - she is not as connected as you.
Yes - move on. Break all contact. Block her number and do not reply to any more texts even in a few months.

You are being played - plain and simple.
All about ego and making her feel better until someone else comes along - and it appears that alot of people are coming along. Two that you know of... Would hazard that there are quite a few more.

It is going to hurt - but you need to break contact permanently.

kilns

This is not what I was hoping to hear :-)

IN fairness, she has been up front and has told me that she wants to be friends to start with and thats all she can give at the moment and knows I want more than that

I just dont know, if last night, he coming over and staying but nothing happen has changed things

baby and crumble

kilns wrote:

This is not what I was hoping to hear :-)

Well, why bother asking then? It really sounds like you have your head buried in the sands. She was sexting other guys while you were together, kissing other guys when you were trying to give it another go and is now messing with your head playing the innocent "i don't want to sleep together too soon" card. What do you expect people to say?

I understand that you have massive feelings for this woman, and that you want there to be more, but it really really seems, given all that's been said in this thread, that you really don't want to hear anything other than "yes, she obviously loves you since she keeps coming back after you break up". No-one here can help out with advice if you're not willing to take it.

Best of luck though.

kilns

Was only joking when saying that. I am sure you all know yourselves, sometimes it is hard to face the truth!

Taltos

kilns wrote: »

she has been up front and has told me that she wants to be friends to start with and thats all she can give at the moment and knows I want more than that

This is used all the time OP.
It gets the other person off the hook when they get found out.
"But I told you we were just to be friends..." / "It's all your fault - I told you what I wanted" - despite their actions speaking louder than words and faffing you about.

Know you don't want to hear this either - neither would I

best of luck - and you know what you have to do here... Just be strong and stick with it.

mrsdewinter

kilns wrote: »

IN fairness, she has been up front and has told me that she wants to be friends to start with and thats all she can give at the moment and knows I want more than that

She's laid out her stall right there, OP. The truth is, you 2 have been more than friends. She's not willing/able to commit to more than that with you.
It sounds like she wants her cake and to eat it: she wants the comfort of your old relationship, without ruling out other options.
She really is telling it like it is. Listen to her. Don't invest her words with a meaning that isn't there.
Cut your losses and move on. There are plenty of lovely single women out there. Go have some fun.

kilns

She tells me she loves me but not in love with me at the moment

That a she loves me as a friend and will never be in love with me again??

Taltos

kilns wrote: »

She tells me she loves me but not in love with me at the moment

That a she loves me as a friend and will never be in love with me again??

This is more head games.
Again - common language used by those who love stringing others along.

Translated:
"I love that you love me and how being wanted makes me feel, but I am as attracted to you as I am to my brother..."
Or
"Keep paying me attention - I love being wanted. But you stand as much chance as a toad."

Move on immediately. Do NOT waste anymore time with this person. That line above should be taught to all children at birth as one of the most over-used and abused lines by users for all time.

kilns

Its what I feared alright

So when someone says that, they will never come out the other side and fall in love again in your opinions?

Should I just have it out and ask her to say yes or no at least I can draw a line under it then, if I just walked away know I will always think what might have been, if you know what I mean

Taltos

Kilns

Honestly - when you hear that line - that is it.
Maybe she thinks she is letting you down gently, maybe she thinks that you will hang around making her feel better.

But that line really is it.

Who knows - maybe with absence she might realise she cared for you - but right now you are her proverbial doormat - and ask yourself - how can she really respect you - and without respect there cannot be love.

Do yourself a favour and walk away with your head held high.
Ignore all attempts in the next few months to get back in contact - either from her or your own sense of loss asking you to text her.
Work on your self confidence and emerge from this as a stronger happier person - one who will attract someone who will really care for you as much as you care for them.

Time to say goodbye - as much as it hurts.
If you don't it will be a never-ending torture - and you will find yourself in the same state in 10 yrs time - her married with kids - you hanging on as her "friend" - we have seen other posts where people choose to do this - but that is no life for anyone. Sad really - but some people do sacrifice their own happiness to stay in contact with emotional vampires...

kilns

well she is off on two weeks holidays tmrw, so I wont be texting her

if she comes back and misses me that much and wants to do something about it she will know where I am

Mighty_Mouse

Ye had a good thing going.
She wrecked it & was devestated by her own stupidity.
I can't understand why she would then jepordise things with a drunken snog but technically ye were not together.
Ye probably have something between ye but sometimes it isn't enough?

Could you trust this girl if you got back with her?
In 2-3 years when the relationship becomes familar is she going to need dirty texts from ex's again? What about in 5 years time if she decides to go on a hen night to crete? Will you trust her?

That said; life & love is a chance. Sit her down & figure out what's going on.
Pour your heart out. Leave everything on the table. Then no regrets should it not work .

seenitall

OP, that 2 weeks holiday of hers will be giving you the perfect time and space to get your life on track and really make an inroad into getting over this girl. I really hope you can see it.

Whatever you do, just don't spend the 2 weeks ruminating about her and hoping she will have missed you terribly and will throw herself back in your arms the moment she sees you again.

You know yourself that she will be too busy enjoying herself and getting up to all sorts of naughtiness to give you a second thought.

You just don't want to know it.

Best wishes.

j1974

cant believe this wingy thread is still going!!! is the OP a man or a woman!! MAN UP and get over it, posters are wasting good advice on you. either take it or shut up.

you sound like such a pathetic winger now at this stage. your initial post was interesting and worthy of anyones opinion on helping you out, but come on!! you'd make peter andre look good at this stage o de game!!

what age are yiz??? seriously??? If your over 20 then you need a good Kick!!! stop bleedin cryin out ye!! Im startin to see why she does see you as dependent and brother like!!

kilns

I take it your single then?

Sardonicat

Kilns, I'm really starting to feel for you here. You clearly are besoted with this girl.

I know the advice and opinions you are getting sound pretty harsh and you seem deperate for someone to tell you it's gonna work out. So far, no one has though, have they?

At best, this girl sounds incredibly immature, self-centered and incapable of having a mature realtionship.

You both seem to have a very unrealistic notion of "love". The idea of "being in love" is best left to the teenagers.

If she ever loved you romatically she would not have cheated on you. It's that simple.

Regardless how you feel for this girl it's time to call it a day. She's not good for you. That is obvious from the fact that you are posting on boards because you are so confused.

From what you are saying, she sounds like a user. You are coming across as a decent fella. Stop doing this to yourself. You deserve better.

Giblet

kilns wrote: »

well she is off on two weeks holidays tmrw, so I wont be texting her

if she comes back and misses me that much and wants to do something about it she will know where I am

She will know where you are? In fairness, you should be shot of her, even if she begged you back, there is no future with this girl beyond maybe some messing about which will wreck your head. Move on for your own sake, meet someone else, and allow them to take the space currently occupied by some girl who doesn't want you

kilns

Thanks everyone I do appreciate your help

Sardonicat

kilns wrote: »

Thanks everyone I do appreciate your help

All the best

j1974

kilns wrote: »

I take it your single then?

it's funny to me how you associate having a spine with being single.

No I'm not single, I have a girlfriend , and yes I have a spine!! you see, I got two things that you dont have. Maybe if you got yourself a backbone, then she'd respect you abit. Im sorry for all the other posters who seem to be endulging your child like thumb sucking, but it's a harsh world and you've got no real troubles here! she did you a favour, the courtesy of allowing you to see how much of a bitch she realy is, before you got in deeper. You made a mistake in judgement, and like all mistakes, unless you learn from them then you're doomed to repeat them.

There I said it, from the MELVIN EUDAL school of life. (that's jack nicholson in as good as it gets, to save your google).