Going away for 6 months

LegacyUser

Hi all,

I have been going out with my bf for nearly a year now and we have a good relationship. We have had fights but always managed to become closer in the long run after them. I love him more than anything, he means so much to me. He is everything I have ever wanted in a man and I am so so happy with him. I trust him 100% not to cheat and I know he will be there for me no matter what.

The problem is that in April, I have to go away to Germany for 6 months. I'm in college and the trip is in a bid to improve my German grades which haven't been spectacular. It is my choice to go as it is optional. However for years I have wanted to go to Germany and become fluent in German, this has always been very important to me. My bf told me before I handed in the form to go that we would be alright and that we would get through it. The form has been handed in a few days now and last night he told me that he didn't think we would make it through the 6 months. He said that travel changes people and that once I come back I won't be the same person, little things he does that I find cute will irritate me once I get back. Also he says that I will get sick of him out there and forget about him. Like my feelings will gradually decline for him, the longer I have been away and by the time I get back I won't want him as my bf.

I am so distraught at this. I feel selfish and like I am going to be the cause of our relationship ending. I am considering not going even, at the minute my head is a mess from it. It's 6 months away but I'm in shock that he thinks this will happen. I just don't know what to do or say to make him believe otherwise. I want to go but I want to be with him also. I clearly will miss him and everyone else from home. I genuinely thought we'd be ok, but now he thinks otherwise. Also he assures me that he will still want me when I get back, that it's me that will change due to travel. I suggested scheduling visits for us both, like me go to him and him come over to me. But he said maybe, as he believed I wouldn't want to see him over there.

Any advice would be great thanks. I am just a mess over it.

LegacyUser

chill man, u really have to stop getting urself in a knot over this.

nobody changes that much in 6mths if the relationship is strong. Look, i did erasmus whilst with a boyfriend, and it was tough mostly cos of poor communication issues at the start....but it didn't end us, it brought us stronger.

it's not that hard to stay faithful for 6mths, u know that, he knows that.

as for u coming back a changed person, he's worrying himself that u won't like him any more, reassure him this won't be the case, why would u suddenly change so much just cos ur in a new place? If anything, u'll rely on him more as a shoulder to lean on when things get tough out there with language barriers etc.

please dont get urself and himself into a mess over this, it's an amazing fantastic experience, u'll come back knowing more german, more confident, sexier from this confidence and ultimately a happier and stronger person for having gone through it. it'll not hurt ur relationship unless there are doubts already there.

take care, enjoy the experience and try talk sense into ur boyfriend, i know he's scared, but he also can't emotionally blackmail u into staying in Ireland for the sake of ur relationship - that's a surefire way to destroy it.

Fahrrad

Does his pessimism come from experience in a previous relationship where this happened? Or the relationship of one of his friends?

LegacyUser

No, his other relationships ended for different reasons. He has never had this personally happen to him before. As for his friends, I don't think so. I asked him to give examples of who it had happened to but he was unable to do so, he just gave a general answer of it happening to loads of people.

Ickle Magoo

Please don't use textspeak on this forum.

Many thanks

Ickle

whatsamsn

Op,
I've seen this happen before and majority of the time it ends bad.
When a partner is moving away, albeit short term, long term or even forever. It changes the relationship prior to the move.

You both make points believe it or not.
For his: Alot of what he said can actually happen when going long distance.
Yours: You feel you can over-come a 6 month gap. However sadly majority of the time it doesnt work out that way. Your intentions are true, but things change.

Long distance rarely works. If you take out the element of seeing your partner on a regularly basis you uncontrollably let other elements in... trust issues... faithfullness... feelings etc.
You could spend the first 3 months missing him. Then spend the next 3 months not needing him. Do you really think you'd go back to the relationship when you return home then?


Im sorry to be so blunt but if you go on this trip you will inevidentally end things. He has voiced his opinion. He has realised what exactly can happen. Personally I think he is right juding from experience. But this thread is about your side.

Does it make you selfish for going away? ... life is one gray area. Whats good for me might be bad for you. At the end of the day. Do things your way. Just weigh up your actions.


So op, you must ask yourself what you really want. Trip to germany or him. No one will judge you for picking either. As I say. Do things your way.

Miss Mimsy

unregistered wrote: »

Hi all,

I have been going out with my bf for nearly a year now and we have a good relationship. We have had fights but always managed to become closer in the long run after them. I love him more than anything, he means so much to me. He is everything I have ever wanted in a man and I am so so happy with him. I trust him 100% not to cheat and I know he will be there for me no matter what.

The problem is that in April, I have to go away to Germany for 6 months. I'm in college and the trip is in a bid to improve my German grades which haven't been spectacular. It is my choice to go as it is optional. However for years I have wanted to go to Germany and become fluent in German, this has always been very important to me. My bf told me before I handed in the form to go that we would be alright and that we would get through it. The form has been handed in a few days now and last night he told me that he didn't think we would make it through the 6 months. He said that travel changes people and that once I come back I won't be the same person, little things he does that I find cute will irritate me once I get back. Also he says that I will get sick of him out there and forget about him. Like my feelings will gradually decline for him, the longer I have been away and by the time I get back I won't want him as my bf.

I am so distraught at this. I feel selfish and like I am going to be the cause of our relationship ending. I am considering not going even, at the minute my head is a mess from it. It's 6 months away but I'm in shock that he thinks this will happen. I just don't know what to do or say to make him believe otherwise. I want to go but I want to be with him also. I clearly will miss him and everyone else from home. I genuinely thought we'd be ok, but now he thinks otherwise. Also he assures me that he will still want me when I get back, that it's me that will change due to travel. I suggested scheduling visits for us both, like me go to him and him come over to me. But he said maybe, as he believed I wouldn't want to see him over there.

Any advice would be great thanks. I am just a mess over it.

I agree with whatsamsn has said. From my experience when I was going away on erasmus to Malta I felt the same as you and I believed at the time that 6 months wasn't such a big thing. For the first 2-3 months I did miss my bf a lot but for the next 3-4 months I gained my own independence and for lack of a better word I got a chance to spread my wings. I remained faithful to my bf while away but a couple of the other girls did not and lead a double life from the ones their bfs thought they were living.... but for me that time changed me, it expanded my horizons and opened my mind to different cultures and a wealth of different people. I basically outgrew my bf (or so I felt at the time) and many of my friends who were on erasmus felt the same way too. One of the girls was even engaged to a guy back in Ireland and was seeing a spanish guy on the sly but her fiance found out and he wasn't to happy (the Spanish guy didn't even know she was engaged so it wasn't his fault). Long distance rarely works, and as whatsamsn said is true (from my experience at least). Your bf probably has heard stories like the ones I have mentioned and is unhappy... it is hard to maintain the same kind of relationship over a long distance. Sadly from my experience when I got back from erasmus my relationship with my bf was over because I was a different person (at the time I felt more mature then him) and after a while I regreted breaking up with him but I do not regret going abroad as it helped me grow as a person too.

The sad truth is that you may grow apart but if the relationship is strong and worth anything then it would survive 6 months apart.... I really feel for you because only you can make the decision to go or stay and it must be tearing you apart in thinking of it but it is equally unfair that your bf to emotionally blackmail you into staying from something you always wanted to do.... You say you have 6 months until you are leaving so my final word of advice is to not allow this decision or fears to ruin that time you have together!

I hope everything works out OP! xx

LegacyUser

Miss Mimsy makes a good point, one u should take seriously

'if the relationship is strong and worth anything then it would survive 6mths apart'

think about it - if you don't go, you might stay together, but it might not be the best relationship you can have - down the line it might fall apart for other reasons or you plod along.

Or you travel, you experience new things, you spread your wings and grow. life is about that - you owe it to yourself to put your own growth first, if your relationship is strong, it will survive. If not, this is a good way to find out.

LegacyUser

Regular communication is a must, whether it is by phone, email, text, letter or parcel. Not only will it inform your boyfriend that you miss them, it will make you feel closer to him. Don't slack on contact and assume your boyfriend knows how you feel further down the line. It is important that you discuss the situation throughout the long distance relationship and keep regular contact. Try to have a connection and feel close to each other by doing the same activity at the same time, such as watching the same programme on television or watching the same film. It can be comforting knowing your boyfriend is seeing and doing the same thing as you.

Ask each other plenty of questions before you move away, or before you enter a long distance relationship. If you are unsure about any aspect of your relationship, it is always a good idea to ask. Be open about your feelings. Don't pretend you are happy with the situation if you are not. Your boyfriend isn't a mind reader, so he won't know how you feel unless you tell them

What do you think of sleeping with other people until you return? An open relationship will have to be discussed. Have either of you cheated? Living apart isn't an excuse to cheat. Cheating is certainly unacceptable in a relationship, long distance or not and you will be taking advantage of your partner's trust in you.

LegacyUser

Hi all,

OP here again. Thanks so much for all the replies, they have been a big help and in some cases an eye opener really. We have discussed an open relationship when apart but both agreed not to. I fully trust him to stay faithful as it is not in his character to cheat. As for me, I would not either. It would feel wrong and I would get nothing from it.

Basically for the time being we have decided to enjoy our months together beforehand and not let it ruin the time we have before I go, although sometimes it is like an elephant in the room and can't be ignored. I've decided to make a list of things that we should do before I go, such as go on holidays as well as simple other things. That will give us great memories for when we are apart. When I'm over there we will stay faithful and give it a go, that's all we can do really. Thanks for all the replies, like I said they were a huge help

Fahrrad

I'm glad of that because I know plenty of couples who stayed together even after not seeing each other for six months and similar periods.

whatsamsn

adviceforop wrote: »

Regular communication is a must, whether it is by phone, email, text, letter or parcel. Not only will it inform your boyfriend that you miss them, it will make you feel closer to him. Don't slack on contact and assume your boyfriend knows how you feel further down the line. It is important that you discuss the situation throughout the long distance relationship and keep regular contact. Try to have a connection and feel close to each other by doing the same activity at the same time, such as watching the same programme on television or watching the same film. It can be comforting knowing your boyfriend is seeing and doing the same thing as you.

Ask each other plenty of questions before you move away, or before you enter a long distance relationship. If you are unsure about any aspect of your relationship, it is always a good idea to ask. Be open about your feelings. Don't pretend you are happy with the situation if you are not. Your boyfriend isn't a mind reader, so he won't know how you feel unless you tell them

What do you think of sleeping with other people until you return? An open relationship will have to be discussed. Have either of you cheated? Living apart isn't an excuse to cheat. Cheating is certainly unacceptable in a relationship, long distance or not and you will be taking advantage of your partner's trust in you.

Op, I dont mean to be so harsh. But I think you've made unintentional mistakes.

You talked about an open relationship. You both declinded. But the subject matter was still mentioned.
Such thing is a negitive when going into a long distance relationship when one party has already voiced an opinion against going long distance (Him in this case)


Being perfectly honest, i would put you two in the high risk factor of one partner stepping out of the relationship, or cheating before you go away.
I think your intentions are true. But .... my personaly belief is that this wont end well.


My gut says that I would put money on your BF stepping out of the relationship before you move. Or you stepping out of it when you are over there. I think you are both feeding each other BS to be perfectly honest.

Only my opinion. But, an opinion thats based upon experience
But remember, intention is good. But reality is what counts.

juanace

Hi OP,

I went away for 6 months and left gf of a year at home. She knew it was something i wanted to do for a long time and was very supportive.

I was like your fella, very worried it wouldn't work etc and was very close to breaking it off.
But she was super and figured lets try and if its not working we'd be honest...and it did work.

I was on the phone to her (skype) most days, communication is key. She came out and visited for a few weeks and now were back home together and couldn't be happier. This talk of coming back a changed person blah, blah blah, I listened to that to and believed it, but I'm still the same guy and were still the happiest couple!

In other words every situation is different and from my experience tackle each day and dont' worry about next month!