My daughters half-sister...?

LegacyUser

So I don't want to put this on Parenting - apart from the fact that there are few people who post there, but I think that alot of people on PI are parents anyway, and this is a personal issue to me.

Without going into the goreys....I have a child with my ex boyfriend. He was divorced when we met and I met his 4yr old daughter and ex wife at that time.

We have since split, I have a 12yr old daughter and he has never seen her.

Recently, I have come in contact with the ex wife again, who's daughter (who is my daughters half-sister) is now 16. Her mam recently added me on FB. We chatted a bit here and there, and I eventually asked about the possibility of our kids meeting at some point. Her reply was that her daughter is very loyal to her dad, and isn't ready to meet her half sister (my daughter) at this point in her life, but who knows what will happen in the future.

To be honest, I'm annoyed. I hate FB and really only use it for family - I'm unclear why she added me as a friend. But now her daughter is also rejecting my child (as her dad did)...
It's very annoying, although I haven't told my daughter any of this. Having said that, she does know she has a 16yr old sister living quite close....

What to do...?

Ickle Magoo

As annoying as it is and I can imagine as a normal protective mum how much any rejection of your daughter must anger you, I don't think there is really anything that can be done at the moment. It's entirely up to the half-sister and her guardians what she does - she's under no obligations to meet or know anyone.

Try looking at the positives; the mum deliberately contacted you and wants to stay in contact and is perhaps hoping herself that her daughter will want to meet her half-sister in time.

The daughter was only 4 when you met and you just don't know how she views her parents divorce and your role in it - as unjustified as that may be. As she gets older and can look back with more experience and with an objective eye, she may well warm to the idea of meeting her half-sister.

All the best

Miss Fluff

I agree, I'd see it as a positive that this lady contacted you. It is obviously something she hopes will happen in the future and she has taken the first tentative steps in making that happen. It might take years. 16 is a funny old as it stands so it might take some for this girl to decide she wants her half-sister in her life. It should all come good in time for you hopefully.

wasper

unregistered wrote: »

So I don't want to put this on Parenting - apart from the fact that there are few people who post there, but I think that alot of people on PI are parents anyway, and this is a personal issue to me.

Without going into the goreys....I have a child with my ex boyfriend. He was divorced when we met and I met his 4yr old daughter and ex wife at that time.

We have since split, I have a 12yr old daughter and he has never seen her.

Recently, I have come in contact with the ex wife again, who's daughter (who is my daughters half-sister) is now 16. Her mam recently added me on FB. We chatted a bit here and there, and I eventually asked about the possibility of our kids meeting at some point. Her reply was that her daughter is very loyal to her dad, and isn't ready to meet her half sister (my daughter) at this point in her life, but who knows what will happen in the future.

To be honest, I'm annoyed. I hate FB and really only use it for family - I'm unclear why she added me as a friend. But now her daughter is also rejecting my child (as her dad did)...
It's very annoying, although I haven't told my daughter any of this. Having said that, she does know she has a 16yr old sister living quite close....

What to do...?

While the half sister has every right not to make contact with your daughter. He father is the problem. I would kick her from my facebook friends because it's pointless. But try 7 find the father & make him see his daughter. If he still refuse to meet her. then your daughter can have some closure & maybe stop wondering about the father.
Good luck to you & the your daughter.

LegacyUser

For the record, my daughter doesn't wonder about her father at all - she long ago accepted that he wasn't in her life, rarely asks about him. She went through a stage when she was about 8 when she asked about him - but to this day, she's never asked to meet him or asked where he lives etc. So my daughter has no issue with this - she doesn't even know about the FB issue.

Her dad has seen the older daughter from the start (he divorced her mother, but had a good relationship with the girl). He saw her when we were in a relationship - I had a relationship with her myself. He now has a 1yr old, and the daughter also sees this child.

But somehow, my child got 'lost' in the mix. He decided he didn't want to see her (my daughter)and has decided that that is still his decision. I have no interest in trying to change that - Ive long ago given up on the idea of my daughter and her dad meeting.

But why would this woman add me as a friend, only to tell me that her daughter doesn't want to meet my daughter?? What was she thinking? And at what age do you think this girl might be ready to meet her half-sister?? If at all...

Ickle Magoo

Perhaps she thinks knowing her half-sister is in her daughters best interests and doesn't want to lose contact, despite her daughters current reluctance?

Who knows when, or if, she will change her mind but certainly as she gets older and realises that the world is not the black and white she thought it was, she may be more open to starting a relationship with her half-sister. Try to be patient and also accept it may never happen, would be my advice. If the facebook thing makes you very uneasy then send a contact name, address and number and cut the FB friendship but I'd be wary that the mother is the one contact with the daughter that you currently have on side.

trio

She added you as a friend because your daughter is her daughters family.

She wanted to create a bridge, knowing that at some point her daughter may be ready to walk across it.

And because FB is a really simple and relatively non-intrusive way of having contact with someone you don't know very well and will probably only ever keep as an acquaintance (i.e. you).

She is trying to keep the channel open. I say, fair play to her. Yes, her daughter is not emotionally ready yet - she's 16, it's a funny age - and for all you know she may be a bit of an immature and over-sensitive 16 at that.

But the mother is aware that that may change in the next few years and she's trying to tentatively pave the way.

So stop seeing it as a rejection - I don't think it is at all.

You're naturally resentful that this girl has contact and your daughter doesn't. But that doesn't make the 16 year old snotty or horrible. And it doesn't make the mother conniving.

Zen65

unregistered wrote: »

.....But now her daughter is also rejecting my child (as her dad did)...

No she isn't. She has never met your daughter, so she has not had the opportunity to reject her. This girl is very young and understandably the prospect of meeting somebody she may have considered as a competitor (for her father's affection.... if you know what I mean) is daunting for her.

It's possible also that her mother has not mentioned the possibility of such a meeting to her yet, in the belief that her daughter is not ready. Parents of teenage kids can be very protective, as I'm sure you are yourself, especially in situations where the child has already had to cope with a split between the parents.

Be glad that this connection has been made, it could be the tentative start to a new relationship for your daughter, from which she may derive some emotional benefit in later life. Let things take their natural course.


Be at peace,

Z

metrovelvet

^ Wrong about that. You can reject someone you never met. There are plenty of kids who never met their dads. That is rejection.

The half sister probably fears destabilizing the relationship she has with her father and enjoys the privalege of being the sibling who has had most of his attention.

It might be for the best OP. Think how weird that would be, what that would bring into your daughters life.

If you are uncomfortable with FB then keep it to phone numbers.

LegacyUser

It's not that I'm really uncomfortable with the fb situation.

I think when she asked me to be her 'friend', I got quite excited at the prospect of our kids having a relationship. I honestly thought that was why she was adding me at that point. And I was shocked when I realised how wrong I got it.

She seems to be on fb alot, so for now, I think I might just 'hide' her as opposed to blocking, or deleting her. My daughter oftens looks at my fb account and I'd rather she didn't ask who this woman is (she hasn't realised just yet, because the woman is back to her maiden name...).

More fb issues eh? God, did we have no problems until fb came along!!

curlzy

Hey, I'm not a parent so may be way off here but I was just imagining myself in your daughter's position. I wouldn't want to be friends with or have a relationship with a sister who has a relationship with a father who had rejected me to the extent that I'd never even met him. I'd be thinking what's wrong with me and comparing myself to her the whole time. If I were you I'd back out of that friendship completely and let your daughter come to you if she ever wants to met that girl. Your poor daughter, what a thoroughly ****ing devastating thing for her father to do!!! Oh he'll be a daddy to one daughter but not the other??? That is just so sick and hurtful I can't even get my head around it.

To look on the bright side, at least you're not with him, he sounds like a nasty nasty nasty person.

LegacyUser

curlzy wrote: »

Hey, I'm not a parent so may be way off here but I was just imagining myself in your daughter's position. I wouldn't want to be friends with or have a relationship with a sister who has a relationship with a father who had rejected me to the extent that I'd never even met him. I'd be thinking what's wrong with me and comparing myself to her the whole time. If I were you I'd back out of that friendship completely and let your daughter come to you if she ever wants to met that girl. Your poor daughter, what a thoroughly ****ing devastating thing for her father to do!!! Oh he'll be a daddy to one daughter but not the other??? That is just so sick and hurtful I can't even get my head around it.

To look on the bright side, at least you're not with him, he sounds like a nasty nasty nasty person.

Oh I agree. Completely. I'd like to say it's a long story - but it's not. I got pregnant, he didn't want a child with me, he left and never saw the child from that day to this. I spent years trying to get my head around it all, but gave up a long time ago. My daughter asks about her half sister here and there - I don't think she thinks past the whole 'he sees her, but doesn't see me' side of it. She's a very open child and tells me lots (so far!). I've been as honest as i can be with her about her dad...having said that, I haven't told her he now has another child and is living with the mother of that child!!! She knows that the older girl is being raised by her mum (just like herself)...I've left the rest of it vague...without actually lying to her....Anyway, that's a whole other thread.

I'm not forcing the relationship on my daughter at all - far from it! But as an only child, she is curious about this half sister of hers...so I was prepared to facilitate a relationship between them, if it went that way.

Anyway, like I said...this facebook 'friend' stuff can be very confusing....!

thefeatheredcat

OP,

Given your daughter is 12, I assume she's near secondary school age? with her half sister being 16, and both she and her mother live close, is it possible they could both be going to the same secondary school?

Since you had something of a friendship before, she may just be looking to at some time have that again, especially with her ex and the father of your child having a further child in a new relationship...maybe she might be looking for someone to confide in or something?

I would say don't get too wrapped up in the whole FB issue, that whole thing bothers me for that reason. See how it plays out in the future and safe guard your daughter from possible disappointments, especially if you find her father suddenly wanting to rekindle their relationship with this new baby in his life - he might realise what he missed out on with your daughter. Be careful of that.

CDfm

I find it a bit odd that you are friendly with this wonan the only reason being that you have kids with the same guy.

i sort of imagine it was too complex for him to co-ordinate seeing both kids etc way back when and that is said respectfully as a divorced guy and who knows what went on between him and the ex.

it would be fairly weird for your daughter and her sister to meet and not be introduced by their father

what you say about taking no action and hiding her seems spot on to me

LegacyUser

With respect CDFM, complex or not, that's no excuse for him to decide not to be her father. He'll tell you his version of events no doubt, which is that I tried to 'trap' him by getting pregnant. My version would be completely different than his of course.

it's not that odd - like I said, we knew each other back when she was his ex wife and I was his girlfriend, for their daughters sake, we were very civil to each other etc - I often had my nephews/nieces over to play with the daughter etc and myself and her mam met regularly at drop off and collection times.

Anyway, I've hidden her on fb and won't be telling my daughter about any of this. Thanks for advice.

metrovelvet

CDfm wrote: »

I find it a bit odd that you are friendly with this wonan the only reason being that you have kids with the same guy.

i sort of imagine it was too complex for him to co-ordinate seeing both kids etc way back when and that is said respectfully as a divorced guy and who knows what went on between him and the ex.

it would be fairly weird for your daughter and her sister to meet and not be introduced by their father

what you say about taking no action and hiding her seems spot on to me

Cdfm- Ive heard of this before. I know a woman who is friends with a mutual ex. The thing in common is he ignores ALL of his children. They go on vacation together.

At least those kids know its not personal.

With OPs daughter it very much is personal. He's a dad to the other two but not her. Why? How does anyone answer that? And the big sister would probably be afraid of that question coming at her.

Ickle Magoo

CDfm, this is not the place to debate paternal motivation or involvement - keep advice relevant and helpful to the OP and their specified issue please.

curlzy

metrovelvet wrote: »

With OPs daughter it very much is personal. He's a dad to the other two but not her. Why? How does anyone answer that? And the big sister would probably be afraid of that question coming at her.

The answer to that it the man is a complete and utter ****, let's just for argument's sake say that the OP did get pregnant to trap him, (and I don't think she did) it still wouldn't be ok for him to punish his innocent child for that.

Seriously OP I wouldn't be pushing for your daughter to meet anyone at all involved with her father be she half sister or not, he sounds like a thoroughly toxic person, quite sick in fact. If I were you I would just continue on as you are doing, which is answer as best you can, when she's older she'll be much better prepared to deal with such a horrible human being, when she's 18/20 (or whatever age) she'll be much better prepared to call shenanigans on him if she did meet him than now at 12 when she'd be very vunerable. Also meeting other half sibling will throw up alot of hurtful questions, hurt that your daughter doesn't deserve at all. I think you're doing great, hats off to you, others in your position would be trash talking the father into obliviation, whereas you on the other hand have your daughter's best interests at heart, she's lucky to have such a good mum to balance out the complete waste of human being she has for a dad. Fair play.

metrovelvet

^ I totally agree with that post. I think you are lucky in a way that the daughter is staying clear.

Always remember that the ex wife is working for HER side of the family and her daughter. She is keeping you in sight in case her daughter wants something in the future. Don't ever forget that.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Remember the ex-wife is in a horrible position. I'd say she wants them to have a relationship too is just afraid things might get messed up. For all you know the half sister might have suggested meeing your daughter then backed out after you'd been added on facebook. Maybe they're better off meeting in their 20s but I think you should keep this line of communication open

LegacyUser

OP here.

For the record, I didn't try to trap him! He was on the dole and living in his mothers at the time...I had just bought my own home - he was hardly the best catch in the world!

His side of the story is that I'm insane and that he couldn't 'deal' with me.

I've never been diagnosed as insane, nor have I ever been on medication and funny enough, I have the most wonderful friends and family around me who don't think I'm insane either. For a long time, I blamed myself on the fact that he decided to run off (although, he didn't GO anywhere!), but long ago I figured out that it's his problem, and not mine.

Never thought that the older daughter might have asked her mam about this myself - for all I know, she might have had a falling out with her dad r sumting.

Anyway, like I said...I haven't told my daughter, and won't...thanks again.

CDfm

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

CDfm, this is not the place to debate paternal motivation or involvement - keep advice relevant and helpful to the OP and their specified issue please.

Sorry Ickle -that was not my intention.

Children are sensitive and whatever the reason for it if it was my child I would not bring them into a situation where the potential for emotional hurt is huge.

The whys and wherefores why a parent keeps in touch with one child and not another is hurtful to a child.

I just would not go there.

OP you sound level headed to me and a very good mother too.

Ticktactoe

CDfm wrote: »

I just would not go there.

Zen65 wrote: »

It's possible also that her mother has not mentioned the possibility of such a meeting to her yet, in the belief that her daughter is not ready. Parents of teenage kids can be very protective, as I'm sure you are yourself, especially in situations where the child has already had to cope with a split between the parents.

curlzy wrote: »

If I were you I would just continue on as you are doing, which is answer as best you can,.

metrovelvet wrote: »

Always remember that the ex wife is working for HER side of the family and her daughter. She is keeping you in sight in case her daughter wants something in the future. Don't ever forget that.

I agree with all the above however I most agree with the last quote... I think that hit the nail on the head.
Best of luck. Hope you get some sort of resolution to your problem.

curlzy

unregistered wrote: »

OP here.

For the record, I didn't try to trap him! He was on the dole and living in his mothers at the time...I had just bought my own home - he was hardly the best catch in the world!

His side of the story is that I'm insane and that he couldn't 'deal' with me.

I've never been diagnosed as insane, nor have I ever been on medication and funny enough, I have the most wonderful friends and family around me who don't think I'm insane either. For a long time, I blamed myself on the fact that he decided to run off (although, he didn't GO anywhere!), but long ago I figured out that it's his problem, and not mine.

Never thought that the older daughter might have asked her mam about this myself - for all I know, she might have had a falling out with her dad r sumting.

Anyway, like I said...I haven't told my daughter, and won't...thanks again.

Hey OP, Just to clarify I don't think you got pregnant on purpose at all, I was saying the even if you did (and I don't think you did at all) your daughter still doesn't deserve to be treated so shockingly by her own father. You know how I know you didn't do it? It's coz you're smart and nice enough to not trash talk her father to her, that kind of strength of character doesn't go along with some little idiot that would get pregnant to trap someone, I was just saying "even if".

LegacyUser

Thanks curlz...I know that wasn't your intention at all...I just wanted to 'state my case' should there be others who thought that way. But you're right - whether she was an 'entrapment' conception or not, still no excuse for his behaviour.

Thanks for the compliment cdfm - it's took me a long time to get to the point I'm at now. I was heart broken for the first few years of her life but the day he passed us by in Tesco, when she was about 4, something changed for me ;-)

I'll never bad mouth him to her - never have done. I've always spoken positively about him - although she rarely asks about him. I'm aware that I may become the big bad wolf and some point in her life, and who knows whats around the corner for him and her?

I'll keep the 'loop' open between me and the ex wife - interestingly enough, she has never had a good word to say about him and some of her recent contact has been slagging him off. I haven't gotten into that with her, nor do I want to! Makes me grateful I've never had to put up with his immature behaviour all these years though :-). Thanks again guys.