Everything's Going Downhill

Saaron

Basically I've been with my Boyfriend for over a year now and for the past few months I've been staying at his house nearly everyday. When I first met him it was unlike anything I've felt before, I knew what I felt for him was something so special and amazing.

Moving on about a year it feels like there's nothing between us. He says he loves me so much and wants us to have a future. I know I genuinely love him and want the best for us but he feels so distant with me, it gets me down so much.

When I try talk to him about something on my mind he just gets angry or brings up something that hasn't got anything to do with the subject. I find it hard to open up, so a lot of the time when I'm at home I'll text him about what's on my mind. Unfortunately because it's through text he disregards it. It's so bloody hard just to tell him anything and it's pretty annoying. I wish he'd just listen to me.

When I AM with him I feel pretty crap, the only thing he ever really does is see friends and that involves drinking. I don't drink and it gets me down because I don't fit in with his group. When he does drink he get's VERY drunk and always uses the reason that it's the only way he feels happy. I really don't like that he says that because it worrys me. Of course I've told him this, he never listens.

Maybe we're spending too much time together but I hate being away from him, I absolutely love his company. It's that we seem to be drifting apart. I feel like he likes me less and less everyday. It kills me. He means everything to me and I really wish he could listen more and show his love like he used to.

I'm lost here.. any advice is welcome.

Miss Fluff

Moving on about a year it feels like there's nothing between us.

When I AM with him I feel pretty crap

Maybe we're spending too much time together but I hate being away from him, I absolutely love his company.

So which is it?

Your relationship sounds totally unhealthy and I think you both need some time apart (and not a "break" from the relationship necessarily but a break from each other) to get some perspective and decide what you really do want and whether you want to proceed with the relationship.

Your post in itself demonstrates how muddled you are and oftentimes you need to remove yourself from a situation to really see it for what it is. You should probably spend a week or so in your own place and really have a think about what you want to do and then MEET UP and discuss it maturely face-to-face.

Sending stream of consciousness commentary by text on your relationship is really not the way to go tbh.....

Saaron

Thank you for the reply!

I do agree, we probably should spend some time apart. I'll be there less when I'm at college which will hopefully help.

I must add it's not bad ALL the time, we have some really great times too. I've just started noticing the negative parts more and more and it's beginning to bring me down. I'm not sure he feels the same way though.

Miss Fluff

Saaron wrote: »

I must add it's not bad ALL the time, we have some really great times too. I've just started noticing the negative parts more and more and it's beginning to bring me down. I'm not sure he feels the same way though.

You won't establish how he feels through text message. At the best of times they can be misinterpreted but you can't sort out the fundamentals of something really important like a relationship through text. You defiitely need to take some time apart and both figure out what it is you really want and whether you want to continue.

Saaron

I will generally text him the same thing I've tried saying in person.
I'm just trying to get it through to him.

Texting is not really the issue here. I'm with him most of the time and I think that's the problem.

CDfm

I take it he likes socialising and works while you are a student -so maybe your values are a bit different because believe it or not as a student you have time to talk about loads of stuff that do not have time or space in the real world.

Maybe you think he is shallow and he is going -my curent existance makes me blissfully happy.

The love of a beautiful woman, friends, job etc. :cool:

What would he say OP.

tenchi-fan

You're basically saying things have been rocky since before the 1 year mark. It sounds like you're doing something wrong, and your efforts to make him open up are just pushing you further apart.

Your bf has some issues and either you're not close enough or he isn't mature enough to discuss them with you. You can't force him. Rather than sending those texts you should write your thoughts down in a journal, or a letter to him which you don't actually give to him. Your texts sound a bit irritating tbh and they seem to be damaging your relationship.

I think you should give him some space. Stop going to his house every day. He obviously doesn't appreciate it and it seems to be depressing both of you.

Instead, make your own separate plans for the evening and make plans with him for later in the week. Maybe it will bring a bit of fun back into your relationship.. You'll actually look forward to seeing each other. You know, planning to go to the cinema on Friday, or looking forward to going out for a meal.

If this tactic results in you drifting apart further, maybe it's for the best.

Saaron

CDfm wrote: »

I take it he likes socialising and works while you are a student -so maybe your values are a bit different because believe it or not as a student you have time to talk about loads of stuff that do not have time or space in the real world.

Maybe you think he is shallow and he is going -my curent existance makes me blissfully happy.

The love of a beautiful woman, friends, job etc. :cool:

What would he say OP.

He's actually unemployed right now. I don't really think he's shallow.
If i was employed he would probably be working while I'm at college though.
I'm not sure if our values are different, we tend to be quite stupid and childish at the best of times, although he is very level headed.

I haven't a clue what his opinion would be towards this at this stage.
I do know he'd want me to talk to him more, and wants this to work.

Saaron

tenchi-fan wrote: »

You're basically saying things have been rocky since before the 1 year mark. It sounds like you're doing something wrong, and your efforts to make him open up are just pushing you further apart.

Your bf has some issues and either you're not close enough or he isn't mature enough to discuss them with you. You can't force him. Rather than sending those texts you should write your thoughts down in a journal, or a letter to him which you don't actually give to him. Your texts sound a bit irritating tbh and they seem to be damaging your relationship.

I think you should give him some space. Stop going to his house every day. He obviously doesn't appreciate it and it seems to be depressing both of you.

Instead, make your own separate plans for the evening and make plans with him for later in the week. Maybe it will bring a bit of fun back into your relationship.. You'll actually look forward to seeing each other. You know, planning to go to the cinema on Friday, or looking forward to going out for a meal.

If this tactic results in you drifting apart further, maybe it's for the best.

I agree with you, but it's just so hard to be away from him. I don't really have much friends and I don't live with my parents.

It's not always bad together. Just sometimes, but they dwell on your mind, a lot.



It's not like I text him often, I'm rarely away from him. Writing my thoughts down seems a good idea in theory, only thing is that he'd probably think it's 'gay' or silly. I'm sure he'd get a good laugh out of the idea.

tenchi-fan

Saaron wrote: »

I agree with you, but it's just so hard to be away from him. I don't really have much friends and I don't live with my parents.

It's not always bad together. Just sometimes, but they dwell on your mind, a lot.



It's not like I text him often, I'm rarely away from him. Writing my thoughts down seems a good idea in theory, only thing is that he'd probably think it's 'gay' or silly. I'm sure he'd get a good laugh out of the idea.

You don't have many friends.. maybe instead of relying on your bf you should focus some effort on making friends. You actually sound Lonely even though you're in a relationship. If you want to involve your bf, trying becoming friends with another couple.

Re writing out your thoughts.. don't tell him you're doing it! Keep your thoughts private!

Cheap Thrills!

Saaron wrote: »

Basically I've been with my Boyfriend for over a year now and for the past few months I've been staying at his house nearly everyday. When I first met him it was unlike anything I've felt before, I knew what I felt for him was something so special and amazing.

Moving on about a year it feels like there's nothing between us. He says he loves me so much and wants us to have a future. I know I genuinely love him and want the best for us but he feels so distant with me, it gets me down so much.

I think you're suffocating him. He want's space but you're not listening!

Saaron wrote: »

When I try talk to him about something on my mind he just gets angry or brings up something that hasn't got anything to do with the subject. I find it hard to open up, so a lot of the time when I'm at home I'll text him about what's on my mind. Unfortunately because it's through text he disregards it. It's so bloody hard just to tell him anything and it's pretty annoying. I wish he'd just listen to me.

Ok, so 'a lot of the time' you are texting him about what's on your mind?

I'm not suprised he is annoyed and has lost patience with you OP. Sorry to say but that 'stream of consciousness' style of texting or communicating is extremely draining and boring for the listener.

You've got to stop flooding him with your inner thoughts. It's nice to be close but not emotionally dependant.

Saaron wrote: »

When I AM with him I feel pretty crap, the only thing he ever really does is see friends and that involves drinking. I don't drink and it gets me down because I don't fit in with his group. When he does drink he get's VERY drunk and always uses the reason that it's the only way he feels happy. I really don't like that he says that because it worrys me. Of course I've told him this, he never listens.

I think you are mixing up listening with caring OP. He obviously does listen but disregards your content. Perhaps he is exhausted 'listening' all the time. It seems demanding!

Saaron wrote: »

Maybe we're spending too much time together but I hate being away from him, I absolutely love his company. It's that we seem to be drifting apart. I feel like he likes me less and less everyday. It kills me. He means everything to me and I really wish he could listen more and show his love like he used to.

I'm lost here.. any advice is welcome.

Right, you are suffocating him with your neediness OP. You need to back off and develop your own life/friends/interests. It's up to you, not him to make you happy.

miec

Hi Op

Whilst I would concur with the other posters in that you need to develop yourself, make other friends and so forth, I do think that there are fundamental issues that you both, he uses drink to relax, unwind, whereas you don't drink and that could be an issue. It does sound like you are currently overly dependent on him to fulfill your emotional needs which may explain why you get so hurt. I think some time apart may help you, even though it is very difficult to do, I think you need to do this as you may be making him the entire centre of your world and that can be dangerous as it will destroy your relationship.