Extremely Shy & Lonely..

LegacyUser

Hi, I know there are a lot of forums with this topic already but it just seems easier to post one of my own..


As the title says, I'm really shy and pretty lonely right now.
I've always been shy, extremely shy but with one or two close friends. Within the last two or three years I've become more and more shy and pretty nervous all the time. I've really only had one close friend whom I've really just lost touch with. We're just not close anymore.

Right now the only person I have is my Boyfriend. I spend most of my time with him, which I really do love but it's still extremely lonely. He has his friends but I just don't feel comfortable being around them as they tend to drink as their way of socialisation. I have never drank or done drugs ever so I feel very awkward and out of place when people are drinking, thus meaning I really don't like going out out night when everyone's drunk etc. This does lead to me feeling really left out.. a lot.

I'm starting college in the next few days and after having induction I'm already feeling very out of touch with the people in my year. I have an EXTREME difficulty making friends and even talking to people. After the first day I went back to my Bf's house and just burst into tears because I felt so lonely already.

The reason I'm posting this is because I feel so alone, I cry a lot because I just don't have anyone to talk to or hang out with. I was in college last year and just couldn't make friends even if I really tried. I had people there whom I could talk to casually but I was always nervous as to what they might think. I really don't know how to handle this anymore, it has just gone on for so long now that I'm used to it yet I know it's getting worse.

I try talking to my boyfriend about it as he's the closest person to me but he just doesn't understand, he just says I should hang out with his friends more but he knows I don't feel comfortable around people drinking.

I'm not sure if this has anything to do with being anxious, for the last few years I've noticed myself being very nervous having to do anything really. For example when I would have to go school/college I'd get very very nauseous and would feel AWFUL on the way there until I'd get home again and I'd feel fine instantly.

Sorry, I'm not sure where this is actually going, I just don't know who to talk to. I'm sick of feeling so alone and down. I really can't go on being THIS shy. It's ruining my life. Most of the time I just can't see any reason to live; I have no friends, I find it so hard to talk to anyone, I don't know how I'll manage when I have to go out and work etc.

I'm a member of Boards but prefer to remain anonymous right now. I know there are other people out there feeling the same, I just needed someone to express my feeling to.

(P.s I'm not looking for medical advice)

Please help.. & Thanks..

Ickle Magoo

I was horrendously shy and scared of everything when I was younger and the only thing that worked to get me over it was forcing myself out my comfort zone every day until it became normality. I joined an amateur dramatics group, a debating group and volunteered. The first few weeks were fairly horrific but after that it got easier and easier until I really started to enjoy it and being assertive and not shy and public speaking became a way of life.

If you think that's an impossibility and you have anxiety issues to the point you can't function then perhaps speaking to a medical professional or counsellor would help?

Best of luck

liah

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

I was horrendously shy and scared of everything when I was younger and the only thing that worked to get me over it was forcing myself out my comfort zone every day until it became normality. I joined an amateur dramatics group, a debating group and volunteered. The first few weeks were fairly horrific but after that it got easier and easier until I really started to enjoy it and being assertive and not shy and public speaking became a way of life.

If you think that's an impossibility and you have anxiety issues to the point you can't function then perhaps speaking to a medical professional or counsellor would help?

Best of luck

This.

I was an only child with a single working parent. We moved around a lot and I never could make friends. It left me completely socially stunted. Couldn't make phone calls even to people I knew, order a burger at a counter, etc. It was seriously bad. I didn't drink then.

Then I moved to Ireland for work, didn't know a soul, and was terrified. Didn't know how to meet people at all. And I don't recommend this, but once I realized that pretty much all of socialization in Ireland revolves mostly around drink (insofar that it's pretty hard to really meet people outside of it unless you're working or in a group/club of some sort), I just went down to the first pub recommended to me, sat down near a bunch of people watching a soccer game, and ordered a pint. Got talking to some guys about the game, and it all went from there.

It's all about pushing your comfort zone and scaring the living hell out of yourself until the scary stuff doesn't scare you anymore. In just 2 years, I went from not being able to call friends on the phone because I was so scared to being out with a massive group of friends every weekend, hanging out during the week with various different ones, and just.. being basically normal.

I'm still a little quiet when I meet new people but it's not out of being scared, it's just out of not being sure what to converse with them about. I'm still working on starting conversations and maintaining them since due to my lack of socialization I'm just plain not used to it yet, and it's SO much easier now than it used to be.

Any time I tell people how painfully shy I was they don't believe me. They see me as a completely normal, confident girl.

Even if you don't want to drink, you may want to consider lightening up about people who do. I don't really drink when I'm out, just one or two, and still have loads of fun, so it's not about that.

Remind yourself that people are basically good and friendly and they greatly appreciate other people making just as much effort as them. Perhaps the reason you don't have many friends is because it's so hard to get to know you and they probably take it as you not wanting to get to know them. I didn't actually realize that for years, that people could see shyness as being rude or ignorant. So the sooner you really truly believe that, the better.

This is really long so I'm going to stop now <snip>, it's something I've worked really hard on and I truly understand from both perspectives, and it's kind of hard to explore in one post without knowing enough.

Good luck!

LegacyUser

Both great advice there, thankyou for listening..

I would like to join some groups to help get over the shyness..it's all just a bit scary still...it could be great fun though!

About the whole drinking thing, it's not just that I don't like it, it's just not how I want to be able to socialise. I'd rather do something that doesn't involve alcohol. I don't mind going to the pub with my Bf because it's casual. Anything more than that just isn't my thing.

Wompa1

I was pretty similar to you OP. Unlike Liah I would suggest it. I started drinking and things got alot better. I had worked with people my own age for years and couldn't really go out with them because the only time they went out was to drink and I couldn't enjoy it. Secondary school was a nightmare, I tried going to school discos twice and was moritifed by them.

It's a shame but you need to drink here! It's really pathetic. I'm at a point in my life now that I've been drinking for a few years and I'm really bored with it. Again I try going out sober a bit but I hate being around drunk people when I'm sober. I usually leave after an hour and feel incredibly depressed for the rest of the night. You don't have to go crazy drinking but you could try a small bit even 3 or 4 drinks to get a little buzzed and in moderation it can be good for you.

You'd be amazed how much it will loosen you up.

Kevo

Hi OP.

I am very shy and I have a very negative view of myself. As a result I always feel like people think the worst of me. I make a big deal about minor mistakes I make in conversation etc and try to see myself in their eyes and it's always negative.

I am lucky to have a good group of friends that I have stuck with since school and I made some good friends in college but I struggled at first. I have also got help for my social anxiety from the free counselling service in my college. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is very good for these issues.

You are in college now and most colleges provide free counselling to students. This is the perfect time to get over your problems. It won't be free after you leave. You should contact the student health center and ask to see someone. You have nothing to lose by doing this and IMO it will help you a lot.
<snip>

EDIT:

My apologies. I was not aware of that rule. Makes sense tho.

LegacyUser

I was probably in the same situation as you.

I was tremendously shy and basically had NO friends when I went to college. You are one step ahead - you have a boyfriend. I didn't have a girlfriend, in fact I didn't even know any girls!! In fact, I'm not sure I had even ever spoken to a live girl in person at that stage of my life apart from talking to girls behind a shop counter. And even then I would want to die of embarrassment.

In fact, the very first day I went to college I wanted to get off the bus and go home because i was so afraid!

I REALLY do not recommend that you get into drinking if you don't want to. I didn't and in fact never needed to.

What helped me was to join some clubs and societies that interested me. If there are such societies in your college, join some! Find something you are interested in and in that way you will make friends. Despite the stereotype, not everything in Ireland revolves around drink and the pub.

In fact, one thing I would recommend is getting involved in a charity. Try to get out of yourself, and the best way to do this is by helping others. Maybe try joining the St Vincent de Paul Society or some other charity. It could be working with children or visiting old people or working with the homeless. You will make good friends who by definition are kid hearted, and you will meet people who are a lot worse off than you are.

Now I am 35. I am married and have two children. I am a lecturer in a university, so I speak in public in front of hundreds of people each week. I make them laugh, and they love my classes. I also speak at conferences and appear on TV and radio.

I'm not telling you this to blow my own trumpet, but rather to point out that things can and do change. For me it came about through helping people who were less fortunate. Forget the really bad advice about drink if you are not interested in that - just get outside of yourself and help others.

liah

LonelyandShy wrote: »

Both great advice there, thankyou for listening..

I would like to join some groups to help get over the shyness..it's all just a bit scary still...it could be great fun though!

About the whole drinking thing, it's not just that I don't like it, it's just not how I want to be able to socialise. I'd rather do something that doesn't involve alcohol. I don't mind going to the pub with my Bf because it's casual. Anything more than that just isn't my thing.

It's not so much that YOU'd need alcohol to do things, it's just that everyone else does! You can always just go down the pub and have a water or coke. Nobody will know the difference, they'll think you're having a mixer more than likely.

The reason I drank at all instead of just getting a water or coke at the bar (which I did very often later on) was mostly because I'd been really stuck up and dismissive about people who drank and thought it was really sad and pathetic. Then I decided to give it a proper go so I could understand it before judging it. Now I know what it's really like and I know my own pace and what I want out of it. It's not my drug, I don't enjoy the feeling, but I don't blame those who do!

The thing is, people don't seem to trust those who don't drink. Don't ask me why, it's just a sentiment that seems pretty common in Ireland.

Groups and clubs are great suggestions if you have the money and/or time for them.

deadpoet

@Iseewhatyoumean: Thats an amazing success story which should serve as proof that there is hope for people in this and similar situations to the OP.

@liah: I could have written this post myself - it largely mirrors my own experience with social anxiety, which ultimately lead to agoraphobia and ultimately very serious depression.

@LonelyandShy: This thread is a treasure trove of highly valuable advice for you to heed. I understand how terrifying it can be when you're faced with having to deal with people and you're afraid of what judgments they will make about you, but the most important fact you need to know concerning judgment is that everyone gets judged, and most of the time the judgment is made within the first few seconds of seeing someone until the mind wanders back to wherever it was before hand. Sure, some people out there preoccupy themselves by focusing on negative traits of others - but these are generally negative people who live negative lives, with nothing but negative consequences to be gained. Most, if not all of us want to be in everyones good-books so we act accordingly. You will find that the majority of people you speak to will respond in a polite manner because just like you, they want you to like them.

OP, I was just like you. At one stage, I couldn't even walk out to the front porch to get the post because I was that deluded from paranoia, I thought people were watching me from their windows thinking "Oh look, there he is again, that guy thats all weird and stuff". Complete rubbish, but at the time I was convinced. What makes me so important that people would devote their time to watching my every movement?

Little by little I began to progress into the man I am today, which is the complete opposite of the person I was back then - and this was less than two years ago. They say take baby steps and thats what I did. I began by leaving the house at times when I knew I wouldn't bump into too many people I knew (though I must stipulate never at a time when I wouldn't meet anyone as this is avoidant behavior and will make your problem worse) and I'd listen to some pod-casts on my MP3 player so that it would take my mind off most of the stimuli that would often overwhelm me. I continued with this exposure therapy by making it a regular event, saying hello to people I'd meet in passing and making small talk in shops and let me tell you it made a * W O R L D * of difference for me and my confidence shot up so fast and so dramatically that in very little time it became natural again for me to pick up the phone without hesitance, answer the door to unexpected visitors and actually instigate conversations with people and gain new friends. As soon as I relearned that my fears were irrational and that peoples judgments didn't matter, any judgments that came my way just didn't have an effect on me any more and there was and is nothing I cannot achieve now.

Take baby steps my friend - and I promise you that you will conquer this, and when you do it will have such a monumental effect on your self-confidence that will last a you a lifetime and that you can forever build upon and strengthen so that you will always be bettering yourself with every goal you achieve.

Best regards OP - you will conquer this. If you want anymore advice, please done hesitate to ask <snip> as this is an area I have over 10 years experience in and there is nothing I enjoy more than to help people out of the position I was once in because as you know, it is no life.

Zen65

You are very young, starting college, and of course you are lonely.

You are right however to avoid the trap of "drinking my way out of loneliness" with your bf's crowd.... it does not work and usually makes matters worse.

In college, join clubs & societies this week just for the laugh. Be sure to join sports clubs as well as Forums etc. If you join a club like a Martial Arts club (yes, I'm biased in favour of MA clubs) then you will be with people who, like you, are new to the art/sport, and this can make it easier to get chatting. There will never be a better opportunity, college is a great leveller and a great time to meet people.

Don't expect instant results.... it takes some time, and it takes some effort. In life, anything worthwhile does.



Be at peace,

Z

Ickle Magoo

Asking for a poster to PM you is expressly against the rules of PI/RI. Please take the time to read the forum rules in the charter and abide by them.

Many thanks.
Ickle