I can't figure this out?

Trizzie

I have a friend who I think is wonderful. She is everything I wanted in a girl and I haven't met anyone like her for such a long time.
The thing is we are friends only but our friendship is a whole lot stronger than the friendship I have with other girls. I have told her the feelings I have for her but she is unwilling and has told me she loves her ex and wants to get back together with him.
He has told her he doesn't love her. A month later she meets a new man.
Fine I accepted this a number of weeks ago and life goes...
However she is texting me and tells me she still wants to keep meeting up and hanging out together every week.
The extent of our relationship is that we meet twice a week always are very close when we talk, hug, hold hands and kiss occasionally.
Please don't just tell me I'm being used because I know this is the case.
What I need to understand is why would someone else be like this with another person and at the same time have feelings for and love someone else?
If I had a better understanding about why she wants to have this type of friendship at least I could confront her about it and explain why we both need to move on...
I can't stop thinking about her every day... Help please!

Ickle Magoo

Hey OP,

So why do you think she wants that kind of friendship? What do you think she gets out of it? She gets companionship, someone she can trust and rely on, an ego boost, a bit of fun, etc, etc. She can only do what you let her, if you know someone is using you and you let them then really it's you to blame for that - although knowing how you feel it's not a very nice to string you along just to give themselves an esteem boost.

All the best.

miec

Hi Op

I'm sorry to say that she is using you as an ego booster, there is nothing to really understand, you are giving her all the power and she is enjoying it, it is sad and unfair and I hope you will let her know that her treatment towards you is incredibly unfair and that you are not tolerating it anymore. Be warned though she may either turn on the waterworks or charm but remind yourself that she is using you and not considering your feelings at all.

LegacyUser

miec wrote: »

Hi Op

I'm sorry to say that she is using you as an ego booster, there is nothing to really understand, you are giving her all the power and she is enjoying it, it is sad and unfair and I hope you will let her know that her treatment towards you is incredibly unfair and that you are not tolerating it anymore. Be warned though she may either turn on the waterworks or charm but remind yourself that she is using you and not considering your feelings at all.

+1

I agree with miec. When I was in college I had a similar thing with a girl and ultimately it was an ego boost for her. I was good friends with this girl yet the signals were confusing that she sent and I have a feeling that this is what is happening to you. Each time I tried to distance myself from her she poured on the charm or got upset yet maintained she was still in love with her ex etc.... TBH I thought I was madly in love with this girl at the time and she truly had me wrapped around her finger but if life teaches us anything it teaches us that we will get jerked around by people we care about at times.... so as hard as it was I learnt my lesson (after a year of it)....

IMO she is using you (either consciously or subconsciously) to gain a booster for her esteem/ego. Don't get me wrong, she may be the nicest person in the world but you don't deserve to be treated this way and if she had any real feeling then surely she would have given a relationship with you a chance....

My advice is to walk away because she may never simply choose to be with you (going on what you said in your post about this new guy) and is feeding off your affection for her. For you own piece of mind I suggest you distance yourself and draw a line on what is appropriate behaviour between friends.

A word of warning though, from my experience when you do this the girl in question no longer has that source for gaining an ego boost and she may simply distance herself from you completely and find other means of getting a boost.

Taltos

Also you wanting to confront her with the WHY.
I mean why bother? She knows clearly what she is doing and what she is getting out of feeding off your attraction.
My advice for what it's worth. Reduce or cut contact. As long as this goes on you will never be allowed to get over her and meet someone else. Maybe if you are not do easy or such a nice guy she might look at you differently bur me - I would forget her, head wrecker.

thefeatheredcat

Trizzie wrote: »

I have told her the feelings I have for her but she is unwilling and has told me she loves her ex and wants to get back together with him.
He has told her he doesn't love her. A month later she meets a new man.

Okay, so she wanted the ex, ex doesn't want her, but she's told you she doesn't have feelings for you and goes off with another man.

Trizzie wrote: »

However she is texting me and tells me she still wants to keep meeting up and hanging out together every week.
The extent of our relationship is that we meet twice a week always are very close when we talk, hug, hold hands and kiss occasionally.

I'm not happy with this behaviour at all. She is using you, and keeping you as a safety net. Not only that, she is confusing you with mixed signals and preventing you from being available to another woman.. she's all too aware of you having feelings for her and she's taking advantage of that. If you're friends and only friends then being physically close, deep, long hugs, holding hands and occasional kisses is NOT friendship - it is beyond friendship.

Not only is this all very unfair on you, but I feel bad for the guy she's actually in a relationship with. imo she's on the verge of cheating on her new fella and not considering him at all - I doubt he'd be too happy to see ye cosey up like this and would assume he's being cheated on.

I would advise you to step away from her for the best of your own emotional health. If you are meeting up as friends, then don't encourage the touchy-feely behaviour. She sounds a bit confused on what she wants or rather who she wants. Maybe a bit of space and time might sort her head out a bit.

In any case, I feel badly for you OP. You're going to get hurt. She needs to sort her head and heart out and start being upfront to you on what's really going on.

Fahrrad

Trizzie wrote: »

I have a friend who I think is wonderful. She is everything I wanted in a girl and I haven't met anyone like her for such a long time.
The thing is we are friends only but our friendship is a whole lot stronger than the friendship I have with other girls. I have told her the feelings I have for her but she is unwilling and has told me she loves her ex and wants to get back together with him.
He has told her he doesn't love her. A month later she meets a new man.
Fine I accepted this a number of weeks ago and life goes...
However she is texting me and tells me she still wants to keep meeting up and hanging out together every week.
The extent of our relationship is that we meet twice a week always are very close when we talk, hug, hold hands and kiss occasionally.
Please don't just tell me I'm being used because I know this is the case.
What I need to understand is why would someone else be like this with another person and at the same time have feelings for and love someone else?
If I had a better understanding about why she wants to have this type of friendship at least I could confront her about it and explain why we both need to move on...
I can't stop thinking about her every day... Help please!

Think about what a friend is. She is not behaving like a friend, because she is using you.

I think that you should confront her and ask her why she is behaving like this if she thinks she is your friend.

Ask her why she lied to you when she said that her ex was the only reason why she wouldn't be with you.

Point out what thefeatherdcat says; that this behaviour is unfaithful to her new boyfriend.

Basically I think you need to force her to choose where she stands, because you deserve to lead an independent life.