Helping my girlfriend through a break up?

LegacyUser

Ok im hoping that somebody can help me here. With some words of advice or to point me in the right direction. Basically my girlfriend who i have been seeing for 1 year is still dealing with the break up of her last relationship, which was for 9 years. We got together about 6 months after they broke up and to be honest its been absolutely fantastic. There's just one niggly thing. She still gets down about the loss of her past life. Ive done my best to help her along. I dont get jeoulus or try to force her to talk about it either. I am just trying to let it work itself out naturally. But recently we've both decided that it needs to be dealt with professionally. She's going to go talk with someone and try work through it. My question is this, do you think she is better off without me around? Also maybe someone knows of a good pyschitrist she can visit? Has anybody been in this situation and come out the other end?

Thanks in advance.

whatsamsn

I'm sorry to be so blunt mate - but you're being used.

You are with her 1 year. You got with her 6 months after a 9 year relationship she was in. That alone screams alarm bells.
But still after 1 year with you she is upset and clearly not over her previous ex. While currently in a relationship with you.


My friend, you are being used to make her whole again.

- What actual relationship do you think you have if the person you are dating has her ex, rather than her current boyfriend, on her mind?
- What do you think is going to happen when shes fully over him?


What is going to happen is your girlfriend will eventually become herself again. In which you spent all this time helping her to be broken up with.
Deep down you know this. Hence why you made this thread. Your logic and common sense have to be screaming at you.

LegacyUser

My own personal opinion on it was that when we get into a new relationship we all use that opportunity to help ourself heal from past wounds. I dont think thats using the other person. Its realising your in a safe environment to deal with these things you have prob kept pent up. We all do it, we talk about our ex's, what they did or didnt do, get advice from ur new partner etc.. This usually lasts a while and then goes away. But with a 9 year relationship, its bound to go deep. I dont mind being there for her. I love her. And i know she loves me. She isnt constantly talking about him. Its usually around PMS time when emotions and hormones are high that she might think about it. We usually chat about it and its grand then. I dont think im being used. But maybe it isnt healty for me, or her to be together, i dont know. I wonder has anybody been in a similar situation?

Chinafoot

needsomeadvice wrote: »

My own personal opinion on it was that when we get into a new relationship we all use that opportunity to help ourself heal from past wounds. I dont think thats using the other person. Its realising your in a safe environment to deal with these things you have prob kept pent up. We all do it, we talk about our ex's, what they did or didnt do, get advice from ur new partner etc.. This usually lasts a while and then goes away.

Completely and utterly disgaree with you. My opinion is that you shouldn't get into a serious relationship with someone if you are not ready for it, and your girlfriend definitely wasn't ready. Yeah we can all mention our exes but most people wouldn't ask their current partner for advice on a past relationship. Thats madness. You should never bring your past hurt and issues to a new relationship and if you do, well to be quite frank, you're not in a place to be in that relationship.

needsomeadvice wrote: »

But with a 9 year relationship, its bound to go deep. I dont mind being there for her. I love her. And i know she loves me.

Of course its bound to go deep, and I'm sure you know yourself that getting into a new relationship a mere 6 months after 9 years together was moving very, very quickly. Some people are totally fine with that as perhaps the relationship had been over for a long time before it officially ended. However, this clearly isn't the case here since its still such an issue for her. I don't doubt that you love her, or that she may love you, but if she isn't fully ready to be in this relationship while letting go of the past, then all the love in the world for her isn't going to help you. Are you prepared to just plod along in a relationship with someone who is still cut up about someone else? Even after a year together? Are you ok with being with someone who isn't fully there as a couple? I don't think anyone deserves that tbh.

needsomeadvice wrote: »

She isnt constantly talking about him. Its usually around PMS time when emotions and hormones are high that she might think about it. We usually chat about it and its grand then. I dont think im being used. But maybe it isnt healty for me, or her to be together, i dont know. I wonder has anybody been in a similar situation?

Hormones or not, this is still something that she hasn't fully dealt with. She shouldn't be bringing up her ex at all nevermind 12 months into your relationship. Its at the point where she needs to see a professional because she hasn't moved on and you're asking if it's not healthy?! Of course it's not healthy. You've been together a year. How you managed to put up with it for this long is beyond me, and I would have to question your self-esteem. Do you not think that you deserve a lot more than this? Do you not think you deserve someone who can be 100% with you and not hung up on a past relationship?

I think you should start listening to your head here and stop making excuses for her. Its not normal to have lengthy discussions with your new partner about your ex so far into the relationship. Old wounds need to be healed before a person embarks on something new, otherwise it's nothing but a rebound. My advice to you would be to break up until she is fully over this other guy. She can't give herself to your relationship 100% until she does that.

LegacyUser

Chinafoot wrote: »

Completely and utterly disgaree with you. My opinion is that you shouldn't get into a serious relationship with someone if you are not ready for it, and your girlfriend definitely wasn't ready. Yeah we can all mention our exes but most people wouldn't ask their current partner for advice on a past relationship. Thats madness. You should never bring your past hurt and issues to a new relationship and if you do, well to be quite frank, you're not in a place to be in that relationship.



Of course its bound to go deep, and I'm sure you know yourself that getting into a new relationship a mere 6 months after 9 years together was moving very, very quickly. Some people are totally fine with that as perhaps the relationship had been over for a long time before it officially ended. However, this clearly isn't the case here since its still such an issue for her. I don't doubt that you love her, or that she may love you, but if she isn't fully ready to be in this relationship while letting go of the past, then all the love in the world for her isn't going to help you. Are you prepared to just plod along in a relationship with someone who is still cut up about someone else? Even after a year together? Are you ok with being with someone who isn't fully there as a couple? I don't think anyone deserves that tbh.



Hormones or not, this is still something that she hasn't fully dealt with. She shouldn't be bringing up her ex at all nevermind 12 months into your relationship. Its at the point where she needs to see a professional because she hasn't moved on and you're asking if it's not healthy?! Of course it's not healthy. You've been together a year. How you managed to put up with it for this long is beyond me, and I would have to question your self-esteem. Do you not think that you deserve a lot more than this? Do you not think you deserve someone who can be 100% with you and not hung up on a past relationship?

I think you should start listening to your head here and stop making excuses for her. Its not normal to have lengthy discussions with your new partner about your ex so far into the relationship. Old wounds need to be healed before a person embarks on something new, otherwise it's nothing but a rebound. My advice to you would be to break up until she is fully over this other guy. She can't give herself to your relationship 100% until she does that.

Thanks for your honesty. Points taken.

IrishEyes19

I have to agree with the other posters...was seeing a guy who was broken up from his ex for a long time after we met, but wasn't fully over her, even when he thought he was and to be honest it killed the relationship. Same "symptoms" you described OP, talking about it every so often and so on.....not an attractive trait when you want to be the focus of your OH mind.

TitoPuente

Have to agree with what's being said. If you're involved with someone that has baggage from a previous relationship and it's affecting your current relationship, then it's time to call it a day. The fact is that once she gets over her baggage, the nature of your relationship (and how much she's into you) is likely to change considerably. Save yourself the hassle and heartache.

Moomoo1

Chinafoot wrote: »

I think you should start listening to your head here and stop making excuses for her. Its not normal to have lengthy discussions with your new partner about your ex so far into the relationship. Old wounds need to be healed before a person embarks on something new, otherwise it's nothing but a rebound. My advice to you would be to break up until she is fully over this other guy. She can't give herself to your relationship 100% until she does that.

As no less an authority than Wibbs says, rebounds can very well end up in marriage and children. People have different ways of dealing with break-ups and loss. Some people stop dating for a while and try to sort their heads out themselves, but others try to start up another relationship and try really hard to make that work as a way of dealing with a break-up. There's nothing wrong with the second option per se.

Moomoo1

needsomeadvice wrote: »

My own personal opinion on it was that when we get into a new relationship we all use that opportunity to help ourself heal from past wounds. I dont think thats using the other person. Its realising your in a safe environment to deal with these things you have prob kept pent up. We all do it, we talk about our ex's, what they did or didnt do, get advice from ur new partner etc.. This usually lasts a while and then goes away. But with a 9 year relationship, its bound to go deep. I dont mind being there for her. I love her. And i know she loves me. She isnt constantly talking about him. Its usually around PMS time when emotions and hormones are high that she might think about it. We usually chat about it and its grand then. I dont think im being used. But maybe it isnt healty for me, or her to be together, i dont know. I wonder has anybody been in a similar situation?

OP, you have to take into account the specifics of this board. Many people tend to recommend breaking up as the first option to take rather than the last resort that it should be in reality.

Of course she's not better off without you around, if she had been she wouldn't be with you. As for whether it's healthy for you, I don't think anyone really can tell you without knowing the people involved personally. It could be that you are a second choice option, it could be that she wouldn't go back to her ex even given the choice and it's just residual feelings that are bound to be happening after 9 years with someone. That's up to your judgement to decide. But I would just try to enjoy the present and not think about things too much, we owe it to our loved ones to judge them in the best light possible.

tinkerbell

OP, she shouldn't be in a relationship with you if she is still getting emotional over her ex. Jees, it was a year and a half ago that her and her ex broke up, and she's still not over him? This should be ringing alarm bells with you.

You need to sit down with her, have a chat, find out what is going on in her head and see if there is a future for you two together. If she's still gonna be pining for her ex in another year's time, well then it's just time wasted for you. She is not being fair to you by thinking about her ex the whole time.

Oh and PMS is no excuse for being emotional, I don't buy that one bit. She's just using that as an excuse to justify her behaviour. If she's not ready to give up her ex and reminiscing the whole time about their time together, then she shouldn't be with you at all.

Chinafoot

Moomoo1 wrote: »

As no less an authority than Wibbs says, rebounds can very well end up in marriage and children. People have different ways of dealing with break-ups and loss. Some people stop dating for a while and try to sort their heads out themselves, but others try to start up another relationship and try really hard to make that work as a way of dealing with a break-up. There's nothing wrong with the second option per se.

Yes they can work out, sometimes. In this case I really can't see it. She's with him a year and she's still cut up about an ex. Its completely unfair on him to be expected to carry on a relationship under those circumstances.

Moomoo1 wrote: »

OP, you have to take into account the specifics of this board. Many people tend to recommend breaking up as the first option to take rather than the last resort that it should be in reality.

Of course she's not better off without you around, if she had been she wouldn't be with you. As for whether it's healthy for you, I don't think anyone really can tell you without knowing the people involved personally. It could be that you are a second choice option, it could be that she wouldn't go back to her ex even given the choice and it's just residual feelings that are bound to be happening after 9 years with someone. That's up to your judgement to decide. But I would just try to enjoy the present and not think about things too much, we owe it to our loved ones to judge them in the best light possible.

And we owe it to our loved ones to be there for them completely. She's not doing that. How can he "enjoy the present" when she's not fully present? Her mind is on someone else. Residual feelings after a year with someone else? Come on. The girl is planning to see a counsellor because its still such an issue. You can't fob it off as residual feelings. Its very easy to tell him to not think about it too much but thats not exactly helpful.

Its not healthy to be with someone who is hung up on someone else to the extant that professional help is requried. But then again, if I said the sky is blue you'd no doubt disagree with me

pollypocket10

OP I don't agree with all thats being said here, as I don't think we have enough info to go on.

Can you elaborate a bit on what actually gets your GF down? Over 9 years a couples lives become very entwined, they have same friends, social circles and probably the same places the like to eat, same pubs they like to drink in and so on.

When you split from someone like that you lose a big part of your life, and not just the Ex. Is it possible that your GF is missing friends and feels cut off from other aspects of her life or is she more focussed on her ex?

If it's the ex then I would think she is not ready to be in another serious relationship but if it's her old life then I think some counselling could be a great help to her.

Sound Bite

OP, I dont understand how this isnt destroying your own confidence & self esteem. Your girlfriend is seeking help from you, her current boyfriend, to get over her previous boyfriend. She obviously cares alot more about him than you.

Most people in a rebound relationship at least have the decency to hide the feelings they still have for their Ex. This girl doesn't even bother to do that. She's using you as a crutch. There are so many things wrong with this.....firstly I think no-one should enter into a new relationship until they are over the previous one, secondly, in her eyes you are second best, she is only with you because she cant have him. I'm sorry if that's blunt but you deserve better.

Supposing her Ex was to ask her back, what do you think she's do? I reckon she'd be gone quick as anything...

You are the rebound guy, the guy she's using to make herself feel better because the last guy made her feel pretty bad.

If you're happy with all this then stay, but I'd much rather be single than anyone's second best. Leave now with some dignity intact.

IrishEyes19

It isn't healthy in my opinion to be with anyone else if you are still hung up on your ex, because sooner or later cracks begin to show. OP, I wouldn't want to be second best in her life or filling the emptiness she feels her ex has left her with. I really think relationships should always start afresh with no baggage left on both sides.

that saying everyone has some form of baggage, but ex's should be left in the past where they belong if you intend to go out with someone else. Just a thought.

Cheap Thrills!

OP, you are rebound guy.

She is still thinking about her ex a YEAR into her new relationship. That is a toxic situation and you are being too nice, a doormat in fact....

I've run away from a 10 year relationship and hop, skipped and danced away without a backwards glance. I mention this to illustrate that the length of the previous relationship does NOT justify her using you as her emotional band aid. (-sounds like she is still pining for him....did he dump her? if she says mutual then the answer to that is yes btw -it's only ever the dumpee that claims mutual)

You have let her cross some boundaries that are not appropriate or healthy. And no, it is not up to the new guy to 'heal' her after the old guy. Are you kidding? Get some balls man.

Tell her you're her fella now and if she doesn't shut up about the ex then ditch her.

Moomoo1

Chinafoot wrote: »

And we owe it to our loved ones to be there for them completely. She's not doing that. How can he "enjoy the present" when she's not fully present? Her mind is on someone else. Residual feelings after a year with someone else? Come on. The girl is planning to see a counsellor because its still such an issue. You can't fob it off as residual feelings. Its very easy to tell him to not think about it too much but thats not exactly helpful.

Its not healthy to be with someone who is hung up on someone else to the extant that professional help is requried. But then again, if I said the sky is blue you'd no doubt disagree with me

It's all about trust for me. If she says that she wants to be with him, and sees her long term future with him, then he should trust her on that. She's honest enough to tell him her feelings about her ex (which I admire greatly: most people wouldn't be brave enough to do this), so I think she'd be honest about their long term chances also.

if he breaks up with her, what message will that send? 'I must lie next time'. Not good at all. Also, he would be left wondering of what might have been, of whether he threw away a possible future for them. Always better to take things to their natural conclusion instead of trying to predict the future.

Chinafoot

Moomoo1 wrote: »

It's all about trust for me. If she says that she wants to be with him, and sees her long term future with him, then he should trust her on that. She's honest enough to tell him her feelings about her ex (which I admire greatly: most people wouldn't be brave enough to do this), so I think she'd be honest about their long term chances also.

if he breaks up with her, what message will that send? 'I must lie next time'. Not good at all. Also, he would be left wondering of what might have been, of whether he threw away a possible future for them. Always better to take things to their natural conclusion instead of trying to predict the future.

What message would it send? How about "You shouldn't start seeing someone if you aren't over your ex". He needs to think about himself here. Its not all about her. Her behaviour is completely selfish and he is being used. She might say she loves him and only wants him but her behaviour would suggest otherwise. He can blame it on hormones/time of the month, whatever, but the fact of the matter is it is so bad that she needs to seek a counsellor. Thats not right at all. If this was a few weeks into their relationship, I'd agree with you and I'd advise the OP to see how things go. A year is a completely different story.

Its time he looked out for himself here.

Cheap Thrills!

Moomoo1 wrote: »

It's all about trust for me. If she says that she wants to be with him, and sees her long term future with him, then he should trust her on that. She's honest enough to tell him her feelings about her ex (which I admire greatly: most people wouldn't be brave enough to do this), so I think she'd be honest about their long term chances also.

No. No, he shouldn't just gullibly trust her on it. You don't just blanketly trust everyone on what they say at face value. That is naive in the extreme and asking for trouble.

You need to look at the persons actions and if they don't match their words then there is something wrong and the loser is usually the one who unquestioningly swallowed whatever story was convenient to the user.

You have to watch out for yourself in life. OP is accepting the unacceptable and the only person that will get hurt is him.

He is with a girl who is talking about seeking professional help to 'get over' someone she broke up with 18 months ago, WHILE she is supposed to be in a new relationship. That is a major red flag. Ignore these things at your peril you'll find.

Moomoo1 wrote: »

if he breaks up with her, what message will that send? 'I must lie next time'. Not good at all. Also, he would be left wondering of what might have been, of whether he threw away a possible future for them. Always better to take things to their natural conclusion instead of trying to predict the future.

Irrelevant. If she's in a situation where her love/obsession with her ex is an impediment to future relationships to such an extent that she has to consider 'lying' to cover it up then she is not in a position to go into any relationship. It is emotional fraud.

And note; it's not about sending her messages (although incidentally it would show her you can't use someone new when you are still in love with someone else)

His instincts should be telling him something is badly amiss here. It is unwise to ignore that niggling voice. She is mugging him.

LegacyUser

pollypocket10 wrote: »

OP I don't agree with all thats being said here, as I don't think we have enough info to go on.

Can you elaborate a bit on what actually gets your GF down? Over 9 years a couples lives become very entwined, they have same friends, social circles and probably the same places the like to eat, same pubs they like to drink in and so on.

When you split from someone like that you lose a big part of your life, and not just the Ex. Is it possible that your GF is missing friends and feels cut off from other aspects of her life or is she more focussed on her ex?

If it's the ex then I would think she is not ready to be in another serious relationship but if it's her old life then I think some counselling could be a great help to her.

Yes, she wouldnt go back to him even if it was possible. She was the one who finished it. Its deffo the life that she once had that gets her down. And i must say,only once in a while. She has cut him off completely, but its friends of friends and family members that keep reminding her. The other thing is, she DOESNT rely or expect me to be her councillor. ONly tonight we had a discussion and she wants us to just stop even talking about it. Says it isnt my problem and that with time she will deal with it. She is going to go talk to a professional aswel i think. It is a massive loss when you spend the best part of a decade around someone and their frinds and family,and then it all goes. I understand that. Im just going to try not be so obsesive about it and let it be dealt with naturally. For the record, she isnt hung up on her ex. I think i put myself across wrongly. Its ore to do with th elie she has left behind, not him.

Chinafoot

needssomeadvice wrote: »

Yes, she wouldnt go back to him even if it was possible. She was the one who finished it. Its deffo the life that she once had that gets her down. And i must say,only once in a while. She has cut him off completely, but its friends of friends and family members that keep reminding her. The other thing is, she DOESNT rely or expect me to be her councillor. ONly tonight we had a discussion and she wants us to just stop even talking about it. Says it isnt my problem and that with time she will deal with it. She is going to go talk to a professional aswel i think. It is a massive loss when you spend the best part of a decade around someone and their frinds and family,and then it all goes. I understand that. Im just going to try not be so obsesive about it and let it be dealt with naturally. For the record, she isnt hung up on her ex. I think i put myself across wrongly. Its ore to do with th elie she has left behind, not him.

Well tbh OP, your thread title and original post are incredibly misleading. You spoke about the break up, about her ex, and you'll have to forgive me but I reckon you're changing the situation now because you're not getting the responses you want.

Best of luck OP. I genuinely hope it works out for you.

Ickle Magoo

needssomeadvice wrote: »

Yes, she wouldnt go back to him even if it was possible. She was the one who finished it. Its deffo the life that she once had that gets her down. And i must say,only once in a while. She has cut him off completely, but its friends of friends and family members that keep reminding her. The other thing is, she DOESNT rely or expect me to be her councillor. ONly tonight we had a discussion and she wants us to just stop even talking about it. Says it isnt my problem and that with time she will deal with it. She is going to go talk to a professional aswel i think. It is a massive loss when you spend the best part of a decade around someone and their frinds and family,and then it all goes. I understand that. Im just going to try not be so obsesive about it and let it be dealt with naturally. For the record, she isnt hung up on her ex. I think i put myself across wrongly. Its ore to do with th elie she has left behind, not him.

But he is the life she left behind - there isn't a part of his family, friends and things they did together that wouldn't have been about him, their friends, their holidays, their life together.

If she's over him and is happy in her new life then I'm not sure why a year later she is grieving for her past to the point she requires professional intervention. That would suggest to me it's not the life she's missing because all those things are replaceable and should have been replaced by now, it's who was in that life that can't be replaced.

I think you are being incredibly stoic OP but either your girlfriend isn't being honest with you or hasn't even been honest with herself.

Best of luck.

Moomoo1

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

If she's over him and is happy in her new life then I'm not sure why a year later she is grieving for her past to the point she requires professional intervention. That would suggest to me it's not the life she's missing because all those things are replaceable and should have been replaced by now, it's who was in that life that can't be replaced.

there can be a few reasons:

-she loved him but wasn't in love
-he acted badly (cheated, took her for granted, etc)

I am sure there are others. But the point is, those things aren't black and white, there are shades of grey. I don't see why feeling bad about the breakdown one relationship should stop you having another. Yes, it would have been great if the OP had swept he off her feet so comprehensively that she forgot about anything that went on before, but in real life it doesn't happen like that.

Ickle Magoo

Okay - and both of those reasons would be fall under "not over him", which I think is what most people are seeing & precisely the point I was making. A slight pang of hurt or regret or nostalgia I could understand but anything more than that over a year later is "not over him" with bells on and that's hardly fair to the OP.