concerned about friend's behaviour

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Not sure if this is a good place to post this but mods feel free to move.

I'm worried about a friend. Not my closest friend but she doesn't have anyone else and I'm what she'd call her closest friend, probably even her only friend.

We were in the same course at college and initially remotely connected through friends, we've both now finished college and ended up in the same circle of buddies.

She was going out with a guy through college and he treated her terribly. The most thing i knew about her through college was that she supplied us with a daily fix of "WTF??" as she told us about what her bf was up to from a totally innocent standpoint, while we all sat there wondering WTF is wrong with her to think this is okay?? I don't even know where to begin for examples.

She didn't seem to have any self awareness when it came to appearance or anything like that, never wore makeup or nice clothes, never styled her hair, had a lot of facial hair that could've easily been taken care of but wasn't, she seemed to just fall out of bed and into college. I'm not judging her on that, just pointing it out as i feel it's relevant to my overall post. How i describe her makes her sound like she had low self-esteem, right? But this girl had a very high level of self importance embedded in her head to the point where I couldn't feel sorry for her in the college days, I couldn't say she was someone I liked as she had some very stuck up and judgemental attitudes on other girls, always giving out about thin girls showing off their figures or such, and it always felt like an indirect hint at us other girls sitting at the table. (since we've left college she seems to have matured or changed a bit and has no-one other than me to talk to which is why i'm posting this).

Her bf cheated on her constantly and she either turned a blind eye or was completely oblivious. She sat at our table in the college canteen one day and declared that he'd fallen onto a rake and got scrapes down his back that were exactly like finger nails. She laughed about this as she told us, in a 'how dumb is my bf??' way. Only one girl at our table spoke up and was less than discreet about her opinion of this. The girl in question stormed off from the table in disgust and declared that not every man is an asshole when she was told her bf was clearly cheating.

Every week after that there was more stories and rumours, from both friends and confirmations from the girl herself. Her boyfriend worked in Dublin and came down home to Cork at weekends, then he didn't return for several weeks in a row and some of our friends saw pics of him on facebook with another girl, etc. It soon came clear that he had fallen for someone else, it wasnt just a casual fling he was having anymore with random girls. It was one steady relationship and all the while his girlfriend was literally infatuated with him, couldn't talk about anything other than him and talked like he was some saint.

Perhaps I should've spoken up and told her straight out what the rumours were at the time, but i didn't. I didn't know her that well and assumed she knew and chose to turn a blind eye, I'm still not sure. Some other friends assume she was just very innocent to it all, but how blind can one person be?

One weekend when we were all out together, her bf arrived late straight from Dublin after ignoring her for a couple of weeks and not coming home at weekends, his neck was covered in hickies, the lads were openly slagging him off about his 'sexy city chick' and his girlfriend stood there seemingly oblivious, or just forcing herself to ignore the laugh around her.

Needless to say, about two weeks later he dumped her in a really horrible way, just argued with her and told her to eff off, that they were over, in front of all of our group of friends in a crowded bar. She still followed him home that night and begged him to change his mind.

That was over a year ago. I only got closer to her in the months after the breakup as i felt really terrible for her. every day there were more rumours surfacing about the awful stuff this guy did behind her back. The day after he dumped her, he updated his status on facebook as 'in a relationship with XXX' yet she spent almost 5 years with him and he refused to state that he was in a relationship with her on FB or bebo.

I advised her to delete him when I saw what he was putting up but she refused and didn't admit that what she was seeing was affecting her, but how could it not be? I think he was doing it on purpose but he still daily posts pictures of himself and his current gf (the city girl) lying together in bed and stuff that would have to upset any ex who still has feelings.

So now the reason for my post - at this point this girl has no friends left as everyone disapproves of her behaviour, and she never really had any friends anyway. She continually tries to 'get back' with her ex, he never responds to her frequent texts, emails, messages on facebook etc.

She seems to STILL be in total denial as to what happened.

She has told me that she can't understand why he ended things without explanation (I'd have thought it couldn't possibly be clearer but she seems to have completely blocked out the fact that he cheated on her all the way through and dumped her for another woman who he is still with!)

I have tried to explain that he's not worth it, to forget about him, that he treated her terribly, I've been completely ignored. She just seems to act like she can't hear me when I mention that he cheated and she deserves better.

It's like her only aim in life is to be with this guy, she told me she planned to marry him and have children and wants to get that dream back on track. IT seems to me that she can't contemplate establishing a future with anyone else, she can't handle her dream being thrown off track.

Every time you try to put her straight, she just completely ignores the info and repeats what she said initially. For example -
Her - I saw him last night in the pub, he looked gorgeous
ME - forget him, he was there with his girlfriend, don't waste your time thinking about him
Her - He was wearing this lovely blue shirt, it really suited him
Me - But you shouldn't worry about what he was wearing now, he's a thing of the past.
Her - he smiled at me but he hasn't replied to my texts yet, i wonder why?

I'm not exaggerating. This is the same routine week in week out.

She is obsessed with her ex and even though he treated her worse than I've ever imagined a human could treat another, she is still just infatuated.

I'm a very independent girl and I'm soon to emigrate to oz. I'm trying to be a good person and find a way to help this girl out though I have to admit that I can't for anything get my head around this type of behaviour as I have never been like this over a guy, I've had two serious relationships but when they ended, that was that. I moved on.

When I leave ireland, this girl will have no one. She will continue to go to the bar on her own and dream about her ex walking over and talking to her, I imagine. She has gone on her own before when I've been away.
She is more of an outcast than anything with our group at this stage but i can't help but feel really bad for her. No one even acknowledges her other than me.

I think she has a mental issue, but i don't believe it's self esteem as she continues to have a high opinion of herself which makes it very difficult to tell her anything. I'm not looking for a medical diagnosis. I am just concerned as to what will become of her when I leave.

And it's not that she's 'not all there' or 'simple'. She is perfectly normal in other regards, she can laugh and enjoy a night out as any of us can, but she's always ready to snap back to her obsession with her ex, always watching to see him or mentioning how once she gets drunk she can't help but text him - he's never so much as talked to her since they split, yet she has approached him many times and had one direction convo with him which was so embarrassing to watch and that's when i first started to feel awful for her.

IS it a matter of just letting her be? Or do i try to write a letter to her hoping that may get into her head because i am certain talking doesn't work. She just doesn't have the ability to listen to anything negative about her ex.

I'd appreciate anyone replying that has advice on this odd behaviour. I'm not pretending to be this girl's best friend or anything because I want to yell at her and tell her to snap out of it, forget him, but there is no-one else who cares at all so i'm her best hope to offer advice.

Overheal

Self importance and self esteem are not the same. I'm self important; not confident.

I'm not qualified to speculate on exactly what the problem is. But, it sounds deep. Out of my depth, out of most people's depths. Could be anything from the inane to the morbid. It sounds like she may have even been the victim of rape as a child but again, thats an unqualified statement and intuition on my part and only based upon what is said in your OP. There may be no way to know what the problem is. But there is one.

By the end of your post I can't help but think just like you are telling her to drop this obsession of hers, there are times when its prudent to just move on from friends. If she doesn't want your help there is unfortunately nothing you can do but hope that she will work out herself.

On your way out, yes, I think this is one of those rare opportunities where a letter may be just the thing. Hand penned, single draft, thought-out, honest. As much paper as you need. For her but also OP for you. It speaks wealth about your character that you're concerned about your friend and it's clear that it's weighed on you for years and years. I get the feeling if you go to Oz and you still are carrying this thing on your chest, you'll regret it. Travel light.

seenitall

You cannot help someone who doesn't want to be helped.

Your friend very clearly doesn't want to be disabused of her (deeply-rooted) delusions, and whatever her problem is, it is very definitely a matter for professionals, not you.

A letter, as per the poster above, is not a bad idea, except I have no doubt whatsoever that it will make very little difference to her state of mind, the same way that anything you say on the subject falls on deaf ears.

I really don't think there is anything more you can do, OP.

You are a decent person, the kind that the world is in short supply of.

Best wishes.

LegacyUser

Thanks for taking the time to read my longg post and thanks for your replies!

I should add a little more detail.

I definitely don't feel like a good person, I feel an exceptional amount of guilt for not telling her what kind of person her bf was when they were together. I question if She only started going into huge denial when things really came to light. Maybe up to that she would've seen him for what he was if someone had been there for her and confirmed her suspicions. All of her circle of 'best friends' during college (I wasn't part of this group) knew what was going on and failed to speak up. Maybe it was after all this that the damage was done to her head.

She was definitely never raped or anything like that. Quite the opposite actually - she was never let do anything or go anywhere. Really sheltered. Her parents are what i would call very odd. When she first heard I was going to Oz she went home and asked her parents if she could go (asked, she's 25!) and her father screamed and roared about how stupid it was to even consider leaving the family home, she still lives at home. She came back and told me she wasn't allowed go. I told her that she is old enough to make her own decisions but she didn't seem to think she was, yet she makes her own decision to continually act as though she is still seeing her ex by going to all the same places as him every week, attend his favourite football team's matches when he's there, etc.

I should mention that she got a boyfriend just a couple of weeks after her breakup, I don't know how this happened or anything about it, i was not with her when this happened, she pays him zero attention, he seems to be really interested in her and seems to be a lovely guy, but he may as well not exist when her ex is in the room. He's not aware of her obsession, I believe. No idea why she's in a relationship when she's still so into her ex but I thought it would be good for her to move on initially.

Anyway think I'll def be going with a note.

shinikins

Overheal is right, you need to put this down on paper and go on your travels with a light heart.

I had a similar friendship with a girl i worked with many years ago, she was completely obsessed with this one guy(whom she would never name) and it was her main topic of conversation. How he smelled that day, how many times he had smiled at her, if he had said hello, what he was wearing, what she had gleaned about him from other people who knew him, how she had followed him home(:eek:)!!!!. It was endless.
In my case things got complicated when i mentioned to her that i had been seeing a guy who worked in the same building, and it turned out to be her crush. I bent myself over backwards to try and be a good friend to her, but in the end, she wasn't willing to look at her behaviour and realise that what she was doing wasn't healthy, and the stress was affecting my health and wellbeing. I wrote her a letter, and stopped all contact with her. I don't know if the letter had any impact on her, but eventually she stopped popping up in bars we were in.

I felt like such a sh1tty person to do that to her, but tbh you have to be selfish in this instance, as i was in mine. Your suffering because of stress over her life, and in the end it is her life and she will do what she will do. You can't change her, she has to do that herself. You are a good friend to her, but you can't be responsible for her actions. Write her a letter and post it when you leave, she will be more likely to read it all then. Sometimes the written word has more impact on people, because no matter how many times you have said it to her, when its there in black and white on a page in front of her, she has only two choices, to read it or ignore it.

jimmycrackcorm

Emmajayne84 wrote: »

I definitely don't feel like a good person, I feel an exceptional amount of guilt for not telling her what kind of person her bf was when they were together.

You shouldn't feel guilty as this girl quite clearly did not want to hear it.

LegacyUser

Shinikins, thanks for your response. It helps when someone's been through something similar. The level of obsession with this guy seems to be very similar to my friend.

Your story certainly worked out very awkward!

I guess what I'm most stressed about here is that this girl's behaviour is NOT normal. We've all seen girls who get a bit too attached to a guy, one way love, but this is beyond that.

I'm worried that I'll be gone away for a couple of months and hear that she's in a mental institution for doing something stupid. Once I go, there will be no-one there to discreetly guide her to a different pub to avoid her ex. This doesn't always work anyway but I try to keep her distracted. I can imagine her behaviour will becoming increasingly uncomfortable for her ex when she's turning up at his gym or in the bar on her own staring at him all night and trying to catch his eye.

I can imagine him NOT taking it well if he sees her there on her own and realises she isn't there because her friends are, she's there to see him.

I'm not sure what it would take to push her over the edge but her behaviour has definitely become more intense as the year has progressed. I expected her to get over him when she started seeing him out with the girl he left her for, but she seems to not see the new girlfriend at all, just pretends she doesn't exist.

As you've all advised, I will write a letter telling her that I am concerned about the way she is behaving for a guy who treated her terribly, dumped her and is in a relationship with someone else, seemingly happy. I'll make sure I'm gone when she gets it.

I just don't want to be responsible for having her suddenly become aware of her actions and not have anyone to talk to, because quite frankly our other friends have become very cold and quite cruel to her because of her behaviour over the past year. They became frustrated with telling her to back off and her completely ignoring them.
I've treaded softly all the way. It made no difference either way because she just pretends not to hear when people tell her she needs to stop following her ex.

Fingers crossed if it's on a letter, she'll read it. I honestly believe she needs professional help. I know I can't fix her, but I'd love to be able to give her a gentle push in the right direction.

Thanks all . x.

Overheal

Emmajayne84 wrote: »

I'm worried that I'll be gone away for a couple of months and hear that she's in a mental institution for doing something stupid. Once I go, there will be no-one there to discreetly guide her to a different pub to avoid her ex.

It really comes down to giving a fish and teaching to fish. The truth of the matter is she really shouldn't, at 25, need someone to hold her hand. Rest assured when you're gone that surely she will make some mistakes but haven't we all, and didn't we learn from them? I guess some things can't be taught, only experienced.