Can ex's be friends?

LegacyUser

My partner and his ex are part of the same group of friends, they have all been friends since secondary school. I know she isn't going anywhere so I suppose I just have to live with it.

They went out for about 2 years and my partner broke up with her approx 3.5 years ago. Their relationship has been difficult since because she wanted them to get back together, they have gone through long periods of not being on speaking terms because she has gotten upset whenever my partner met other girls he might be interested and the like. She starting seeing someone herself within a year of the break up and they are still together and have a little girl.

When he met me they had been speaking again and he's indicated that some normality had returned but when she realised things were serious, she cut off contact completely. That was over 2 years ago now. She avoided social occasions where that we were attending for a long time but in the last six months or so she has started coming along to them and more recently has started trying to speak to my partner and in the last few weeks has started sending him texts randomly.

ON one of the group get togethers I went to the bathroom in the pub and she was in a cubicle with one of the other girls who is a close friend of hers. She was drunk & crying and saying how she will always love my partner and how hard it all is.

I haven’t spoken to my partner about this as I don’t want to come across as jealous but it seems she is starting to work her way back into his life and clearly still has feelings for him & this really makes me uncomfortable.

Do you think I should be worried?

LegacyUser

To answer your question, simple answer - no.

She has motives. She'll continue to try her case, continue to try to get her claws into your man. Only you can be sure that he won't react, that's a matter of trust. But overall, not a situation I'd like to be in. It's uncomfortable. So many women seem to be like your boyfriend's ex, waiting around, hanging onto the past waiting for the chance to dig their claws in again. It's really pathetic.

I suggest you talk to your boyfriend about this, make him aware of what you overheard and let him know it makes you sad/uncomfortable. See what he feels about it.

I wouldn't like to have my partner receiving texts from their ex who is still in love with them though. wonder why she went into another relationship and had a kid if she's still into the ex?

Sephiroth_dude

In my experience no.

AvaKinder

In general the answer to your question is : it depends on the people involved. My ex is my best friend and has been since the day we broke up. But it only works in situations where both people know the relationship didn't work and neither harbours any hope of getting back together.

In the situation you described it's unlikely this girl could ever be a real friend to you partner since she's still apparently in love with him. However they will have to be sort of civil if they still share the same group of friends. It's not fair for one to be shurt out of a group because of this situation.

LegacyUser

AvaKinder wrote: »

However they will have to be sort of civil if they still share the same group of friends. It's not fair for one to be shurt out of a group because of this situation.

But how is it fair on the new partner in the relationship (in this case the OP) to be shut out or put out (mentally) because of this?

Surely the ex needs to keep her mouth shut, back off, or just go away? How is it healthy for her to stay hanging around the same group of friends if it's going to affect her to the point that she's crying in the toilets over her ex even though she has since had a child with someone else. Surely the best thing this woman can do is to go away, find new friends, or arrange separate nights out where her ex and his girlfriend are not present?

She managed to avoid social outings where her ex was present for a long time, so she obviously managed to get by in some manner, yet now she is back on the scene again and her contact is continually progressing, from not talking to her ex at all to now talking to and texting him.

It's clear what direction this is heading and I don't see why the OP should have to stand by and watch this develop.

Sadly OP, there are a lot of women out there who seem to be completely unable to get over their exes, even when they've moved on and had children with someone else. It's totally unfair and in general I think these women are not mentally stable but all you can do it talk to your partner, let him know how you feel, then step back and trust him.

LegacyUser

Thank you all for your responses.

In a way I was hoping that I was over-reacting and you would tell me there is nothing to worry about.

I do trust my partner but I know that plenty of people before me have trusted theirs only to find out they were wrong. I am a bit worried that he might still care about her on some level, as they had been friends for a very long time, and maybe she might ware him down.

With regards to her other relationship I think the pregnancy was an accident and they decided to give it a go. It doesn't really sound like her heart is in it to be honest.

fungun

it can work but only after time enough that neither have feelings.....which is clearly not the case here.

But if your OP broke it off with her, is now with you and is behaving appropriately then it doesnt sound like you have anything to worry about tbh. A mopey woman like that is never that attractive!

The only worry id have from your side would be that if you are going through a bad patch with him, its horrible to think there is a woman there trying to take him from you. If you feel this way then Id make him aware of this and let him know it makes you feel uncomfortable.

d10carter

Yeah but not close.

whatsamsn

Short answer: No

Long answer: (might as well just sum it up with bullet points :pac:)

• One could argue it all depends on how it ends. To a degree thats true. If a partner cheated or did something nasty. You wouldnt be friends. But what about general breakups?
• General break-ups are pretty much the same. The relationship didnt work out. Who honestly would want their ex still on the scene when they are out to meet someone else? ... They wanna move forward.
• "lets be friends" is one of the most cliche lines used in life. or should I say "I'd rather not appear to be the bad guy, even tho i dont care, so i'll say lets to be friends even tho we never will be" ... would be more accurate.
• An ex is an ex for a reason. Weather you broke it off with them, or they broke it off with you. Keep the past in the past.
• If two people regain a friendship. I'd say majority (not all) of the time its not really a friendship. Its just two people being civil. Or being false.
• A word of warning tho, if you happen to date someone new and the ex is still on the scene (who is also single) - is clearly having sex with the person you are dating. I've lost track of hearing how many "ex-now-friends" were still doing the business.

Chinafoot

lallypally wrote: »

But how is it fair on the new partner in the relationship (in this case the OP) to be shut out or put out (mentally) because of this?

Surely the ex needs to keep her mouth shut, back off, or just go away? How is it healthy for her to stay hanging around the same group of friends if it's going to affect her to the point that she's crying in the toilets over her ex even though she has since had a child with someone else. Surely the best thing this woman can do is to go away, find new friends, or arrange separate nights out where her ex and his girlfriend are not present?

Sorry but I think thats a bit over the top. Yes she has feelings for him, but the crying in the toilets could have been down to drunken emotions. Perhaps she'll get over it once she sees that he has really moved on. The OP has given no indication that this ex is trying to steal him away. The OP overheard her crying,it's not like the ex has been mouthing off to all who will listen that she's still in love and is going to steal him away. They have the same friends and the OP can't expect her to just disappear forever. It sounds like the ex took some time away to get over it and is now trying to settle back into her old social life and attempting to be friends with him. She could be genuinely trying to get their friendship back, or at least have come level of friendliness for when they are in social situations together. Crying and saying its so hard means exactly that, it's hard for her. But you know what, she'll get over it.

lallypally wrote: »

She managed to avoid social outings where her ex was present for a long time, so she obviously managed to get by in some manner, yet now she is back on the scene again and her contact is continually progressing, from not talking to her ex at all to now talking to and texting him.

Yes, clearly she's on a mission to steal him away :rolleyes: Why should this girl not see her friends? Should she stay away for any nights that he's going to be there? Should she miss her friends' birthdays? Engagement parties? Exam results drinks? All for fear of upsetting the current girlfriend? Give me a break. As for her going from not talking to texting, well like I said already, there's a good chance the no contact was down to her being mature enough to try to get over her feelings away from him but now she's trying to reconnect due to having the same friends and inevitably having to see each other. Still having feelings for someone doesn't make her some sort of harlot.

lallypally wrote: »

It's clear what direction this is heading and I don't see why the OP should have to stand by and watch this develop.

How is it clear? For all we know she's just finding it hard after not seeing him for so long. Feelings can all come flooding back but by the sounds of the crying she knows well nothing is going to happen.

lallypally wrote: »

Sadly OP, there are a lot of women out there who seem to be completely unable to get over their exes, even when they've moved on and had children with someone else. It's totally unfair and in general I think these women are not mentally stable but all you can do it talk to your partner, let him know how you feel, then step back and trust him.

Unfair on who exactly?

And yes you're right, she should let her partner know that she's feeling insecure and paranoid about his ex being back within her circle of friends that she's had for years. If she trusts him then there's no hassle. If she makes this into something its not all she'll do is alienate herself from this group of people. The girl can have all the feelings in the world for him but its not going to make a blind bit of notice if he's not interested.

thefeatheredcat

wishexwoulddisappear wrote: »

When he met me they had been speaking again and he's indicated that some normality had returned but when she realised things were serious, she cut off contact completely. That was over 2 years ago now. She avoided social occasions where that we were attending for a long time but in the last six months or so she has started coming along to them and more recently has started trying to speak to my partner and in the last few weeks has started sending him texts randomly.

ON one of the group get togethers I went to the bathroom in the pub and she was in a cubicle with one of the other girls who is a close friend of hers. She was drunk & crying and saying how she will always love my partner and how hard it all is.

Regards your partner, no you shouldn't be worried. If you're feeling insecure with her around, then express it. They have history, a pre-existing friendship before you came along and both are part of a group of friends that you have been invited into.

I would say that yes, she's still hung up over him but when realised that things were serious between yourselves she backed off. Maybe she had some false hope of resolving things with eachother even just on a friendship level.

If she's back within the friends, it's probably to be with her friends and have anight away from her child with her partner.....she may not have an agenda to get back with your partner.

As regards crying in the cubicle - that's alcohol and insecurity/emotions and alcohol is a depressant and makes unhappy people much more unhappy. Unless you were standing listening to the whole conversation from start to finish, you shouldn't assume what she said is about being in a relationship with your partner but you could have mis-heard or mis understood what was said (again alcohol). She may have been talking about the friendship they had rather than the relationship they had.

She has a partner and a child and I think if concerns are to be expressed it should be concerns as to her emotional well-being and her having friends to see if she's ok and alright and getting help if she needs it. She needs social inclusion rather than exclusion and that wouldn't be up to you to decide.

Voice concern to your partner but I don't think you've any reason to feel threatened by her. She's probably wanting to sort out the friendship and any unresolved issues and make things up to him for the grief over the years. She has a child and a relationship to think of, I would think she would be doing the best to make a go of things with him.

LegacyUser

It's all very easy to come in here and tell the OP not to worry, or not to feel stressed/threatened by this, but as someone who has gone through the same and watched the gradual increase in the type of contact made by my partner's ex, it's really NOT a nice situation to be in.
It's thoroughly upsetting and depressing in fact.

This woman should have a bit more self respect and respect for other humans and back off now to concentrate on her OWN boyfriend and their child, rather than being so immature to be out crying in a pub toilet over her ex from a long time ago.

LegacyUser

thefeatheredcat wrote: »

Regards your partner, no you shouldn't be worried. If you're feeling insecure with her around, then express it. They have history, a pre-existing friendship before you came along and both are part of a group of friends that you have been invited into.

Just to clarify I haven't become part of this group by default because I'm with my partner. My partner and some of his friends are from the county & a few of them moved into the city years ago(8-9 years) which is how I got friendly with them. I met my partner through my friends and he has since moved in with me. They are my group of friends, I've worked and lived with some and I don't think it's fair to say I've been invited in. It's more like the ex is a country cousin who visits from time to time.

thefeatheredcat wrote: »

I would say that yes, she's still hung up over him but when realised that things were serious between yourselves she backed off. Maybe she had some false hope of resolving things with eachother even just on a friendship level.

If she's back within the friends, it's probably to be with her friends and have anight away from her child with her partner.....she may not have an agenda to get back with your partner.

As regards crying in the cubicle - that's alcohol and insecurity/emotions and alcohol is a depressant and makes unhappy people much more unhappy. Unless you were standing listening to the whole conversation from start to finish, you shouldn't assume what she said is about being in a relationship with your partner but you could have mis-heard or mis understood what was said (again alcohol). She may have been talking about the friendship they had rather than the relationship they had.

I don't drink much and hadn't been drinking that night and I definitely didn't misunderstand. She even said that she can't understand what she sees in me and actually took issue with the fact I don't drink alot, said that I was a dry a**e.

Being honest their is no question over what she feels for my partner. I am worried about what her motives might be.

I can understand if she just wanted to be civil at social occasions but the texting is unsettling. He hasn't responded to any yet she will still send one every 3-4 days.

LegacyUser

So it's yet another psycho, clingy ex who won't let go and move on even though the man involved has absolutely no intentions of running away with her, or even doing anything with her.

Still texting every few days even though he doesn't reply?

Just embarrassing.

I guess all we can hope for with these repeated threads is that one or two of these clingy women read the thread and get the message that their own situation isn't likely to progress so they may as well stop hassling and stalking their ex.