Annoying Roommate

LegacyUser

Hi,
Ok, so this probably isn't as bad as some of the room-mate issues I've seen on PI in recent days but its annoying nonetheless.

Moved in with a friend a while back. Generally we have good craic and stuff but sometimes he bugs me like hell.

I HATE being petty but you know when a load of little things all combine and build up to just p*ss you off.

A lot of it is about minor things in the house and minor expenses.

Around the house the things that annoy me are just general cleaning up, doing the dishes, even just loading/unloading the dishwasher, throwing a bag of rubbish out. Its like If I don't do it nobody will. I'm NOT an OCD neat freak kinda person. I lived with another girl before who was so I know what it's like but ya know, when the bin stinks, change it, when the counters in the kitchen are covered in crap, they need a wipe down, piles and piles of beer cans need to get thrown out once in a while, where there's crap all over the floor, clean it up. He does it occasionally but only if I'm too busy with work that I end up leaving it go too long.

Same with expenses. He's very casual about expenses, it's always "Ah, sure we'll work it out, I bought this thing and you bought the other things last week"
Like, I'm not overly picky, I'm not going to argue over pennies or a couple of euro...
But here's an example.

We share a car, I use it more due to work admittedly but lately he pays less and less petrol money. i.e. less than he would actually consume. Avoids filling it when its low as he knows I'll be forced to do it next time I get in the car.
I had a 6-pack in the fridge at the weekend, he asked if he could take a beer as he had none in, no problem I said, Sunday morning all 6 were gone.
If I have a some crisp or something in the cupboard, he'll eat them if he likes.
If I buy milk, he'll use it if he needs it.
Every weekend before going out he asks me for a pack of chewing gum to take with him that he knows I have in the cupboard.
If we went halfs on the pizza I'd probably never see that half of the money "Sure, it'll even out, I'll get next weeks" he'd say.
If I go to the shop he'll ask for icecream or some crisps. If I get it he doesn't pay cos it's only small and if I don't get it he makes out I'm the stingiest person in the world cos I wouldn't buy him a 50c ice cream.
Going back to point number 1, as he doesn't clean he doesn't buy any "common" household items.


I said it to him about the drinks at the weekend but he said I was stingy, and I wasn't going to drink them on Sunday anyway but like I bought them, I will drink them this week or whenever I want, now I have to go buy more when I want them.

Its just that when ever I say anything he makes me feel so stingy mentioning it.
I mean, yes, it's VERY stingy to complain about a pack of chewing gum but when it's like every week I'm covering his petrol money, packs of gum, a 6 pack of beer, an ice cream at the shop, bought his half of Dominos, go to Tescos and buy toilet rolls, kitchen paper, washing up liquid, etc... sure thats 50euro right there easily as week. I'm not made of it!

Its going on a while now, I kinda thought it'd even out more but it doesn't really the longer it goes on, I seem to buy all th

LegacyUser

Why are you sharing a car? I've been in a situation like that and it was very annoying but I only had to put up with it for a few months as I was living with my friend for 8 months while I did a course. It sounds like your friendship is getting in the way of the 'business' side of house sharing. Would it be possible for you to move in with strangers instead?

Jo King

You have been suckered. Stop subsidising him immediately. If he accuses you of being stingy just say "so I am stingy, at least I am not a parasite".

thefeatheredcat

How long have ye been friends?

You need to sit down with him and explain what you feel about this situation before you come to blows but not in the same way as you've posted here... you need to offer some solutions.

He may think you like doing some of the stuff like cleaning (I do most in my house only cos it gets my anger out) or had a housemate previously who tolerated picking up after him, and may not think a pack of crisps or whatever is an issue of money - it's not about the money, it's about being taken advantage of really.

A solution is to talk about it before you harbour resentment towards him and suggest that you have a jar or something that you both contribute to for paying for household items like you've mentioned and agree on a certain amount a week. You can also both work on a rota of cleaning items that you can take turns in doing and alternate the work weekly.

Revise your agreement about the car share re petrol, fill it up after use or something.

If he can't be somewhat reasonable about expenses and the like and you can't sort out the issues, well, consider if you can still live with him? Friends are not the easiest to live with cos they can take things like that for granted so easily. It's not fun being taken for granted and doing everything and if you feel you're being taken advantage of (which I think you are) then speak up but try and iron out some of the issues. But you're not his personal shopper and spare wallet and I wouldn't tolerate being used as such.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

He has your head wreaked to the point that you even think its stingy to complain! What a looser this guy is, like grow up and take responsibility for yourself!

I would not want to live with someone like that can you move out, its not your job to have to teach him to clean and pay for stuff, i would just say lessoned learned, move on???

tenchi-fan

My brother was like that with me. Always calling me stingy, yet I always ended up being out of pocket and never received any of the generosity he prided himself on.

2 years on the dole, 6 months doing fas courses, now receiving btea, and all the while taking handouts from his gf. what a guy!

Your friend is manipulating you. You have high standards in terms of your cleanliness, fairness and personal finances. He's exploiting this. By ridiculing you he calls your standards into question. And when you try to argue your point, he says you are proving his point!

I think it's possible you have been manipulated to long to be able to win an argument. The only way to win is to keep your finances separate even if that means scaling back your friendship a bit.

Don't offer to go to the shop for him. Stop the ridiculous car share even if it means you walk 10 miles to work. Keep your treats in your room and consider buying a mini fridge. If he questions you, don't enter into conversation apart from to say it is NONE OF HIS BUSINESS.

You should also set guidelines on the cleaning. Some housemates simply don't clean - either out of pure laziness or a superiority complex that they are too good for it. If he's one of them either move out, ask him to move out, put up with it, or get a cleaner and pay half each.

ManOfMystery

If I was in your shoes, I would start making a list of every single thing that he skips paying for - with a price beside it. Add this up over the next few weeks and perhaps when he actually sees something tangible (i.e, how much it is costing you) then he won't find it so easy to call you stingy.

You can always ask him to carry out the same exercise but by the sounds of it he won't have much to chastise you over.

LegacyUser

I had a house mate like this who would rob food. I came home one day to find him drinking my beer and he announced loudly that he didn't like the taste of it, the bloody cheek! If it didn't have to go in the fridge, I started keeping food in my room, especially alcohol, if I wanted a cold beer I'd put it in the freezer for 15 minutes before I wanted it rather than leave it in the fridge for his benefit. You should start standing up for yourself, you're not his mammy and it all adds up.

HavingCrack

The cleanliness thing could be difficult. Some people genuinely don't mind living in a messy house. It just doesn't bother them. For everythign else, just stop giving hima free ride.

andreac

Stand up for yourself and learn to say no. If not he will continue to do what hes doing.

LegacyUser

Its just annoying, complaining about the money makes me seem stingy, complaining about cleaning or tidying makes me seem like a neat freak housemate... neither is good but I swear I'm not like that.

On the clenliness. I lived with a housemate who was a bit over the top on cleaning and re-cleaning everything before. I dont want to be THAT guy. I can be fairly disorganised myself and it can take me a while to organis or clean my own stuff if I'm busy but I think anyone knows the difference between whats acceptable or not. Like, I don'tcare if the bins aren't taken out every day or whatever, but when it smells the house or stuff is left on the floor then you kinda have to take it out.

I DO complain about it but he makes me out to be a complete cheapskate... like last weekend he asked me if I have a pack of chewing gum for him, I looked at him like "Jeez, you are passing a Spar on the way buy your own for once.".. so he starts telling me "Its only a pack of chewing gum jeez, you're not that stingy are ya". Like, I don't care about on pack of gum, its not about that, its about the action of him taking it being a habit now!

The beer thing was mad. He asked for one and drank the whole lot. He reconed it was ok as I wasn't drinking them that night, like as if I would just throw them out or something and buy a new 6-pack next weekend... I've made a point at this one. I'm just jokingly telling him what a boyo he is stealing peoples beers, joking about it but trying to get my point across. He's saying in a mocking tone that he'll buy them back.

Its other things in the house. Like he didn't want to buy a microwave as he eats takeaway most nights. That was fine if he doesn't use it but I went ahead and bought one as I use one alot. He seems to use it more than me now. Again, I'm not gonna put a padlock on a microwave, he can use it. It's just annoying that while moving in he ducked out of buying some regular household items saying he wouldn't use them and didn't want to pay for them (which is fair enough), so I bought them myself if it was something I would use a lot. But then he uses them as much as me if not more... in that case like why did he refuse to go halfs on things we needed if he's gonna use them all the time?

I dunno... I think I'm just ranting now.
Its hard to live with friends I think, petty issues seem to build up to annoy you. I know all the things I mentioned are tiny but there is so many of these tiny issues I haven't even mentioned that it builds up in to one big thing.


The only thing I can compare it to is going for rounds on drinks with your friends. Nobody really counts. Maybe one night one guy ends up buying an extra round over someone else but as friends the chances are the other guys will be first in the round another night and buy one more. It evens out over time, nobody is counting pints or anything.

On the other hand you sometimes have the friend who always seems to duck to the toilet when it's his turn to buy a round, or buys himself a water on his own round so its cheaper to buy and asks you for a vodka when its your round, then calls you stingy when he finds out you didn't buy him a double. Its kinda like that. In that case it never works out... thats just a guy who you are buying large rounds for and rarely gets the same for you. Its hard to drink with someone like that.

LegacyUser

I think he's probably used to living with 'closer friends' and maybe you're more used to living with acquaintances, if you get me? Have you considered trying a studio or bedsit or a house where nobody knows one another? Most of the houses i've shared have been with people I know very well, and literally everything is shared, nobody takes the piss and if someone does nobody minds letting them know without there being any embarassment either way. But I have lived in other houses (briefly) with people i'd know but wouldn't be close to, the sort of houses where people have their own press/practically label their own stuff, which is fine but maybe more suited to an environment where you're living with complete strangers than sort of half friends/half strangers

andreac

People will only behave like this if we allow them too and if we dont stand up for ourselves. Hes taking advantage and you are allowing him too by not standing up for yourself. Theres a word that comes to mind for someone like this, doormat:rolleyes:
If you arent going to confront him properly then theres no point in complaining about it.