Lost...

LegacyUser

Hey all,

I am a 21 year old student getting ready now to start back in college now next week...to cut a long story short I have suffered from depression since before I started college in '07 and up until recently I had seen a marked inprovement in myself.

A bit of background:
I left home under a domestic violence senario, which went on for 17 years of my time when I was at home, and I suffered alot as a result of this and as did my mother (I dread to think of some of the things she put up with, it was that bad) and sometimes still is!

I left home in late August '07 to start college, it was extremely difficult to the point I travelled a round trip of over 500km every weekend and I have done this every weekend for the last three years up until this August. I lived at home during the summer as well, which was hurendious (sp?)

Anyway, I havn't been home now in over a month and it's killing me because I don't know what's going on...it really gets to me!

I have been on medication up until a couple months ago and I felt in some ways that I was coping, barely but like coping and I am seeing a councellor but I still can't get my head around it, it tears me apart on a daily basis to the point I don't know when the last time I smiled was and I used to self harm on a daily basis up until 6 months ago...

I don't know why I am writing all of this...I suppose I need to get it out, does anyone have any advice for me...where to go, what to do?

Thanks in advance!

Hersheys

Firstly, well done for posting. It's difficult to admit to some of these things.

Why did you come off the meds?

Congrats on not self harming for 6 months - that's an achievement. Believe me, I know how hard it can be to stop cutting.

What is it that you need help with, coming to terms with what happened?

Do you speak to your family regularly?

LegacyUser

Thanks!

The reason I came of the meds was becauae things did get bad for a while when I was at home and I didn't feel that the meds were helping...looking back on that decision now it wasn't the wisest one!

I did go to my doctor a week after I came off them and I was doing okay but I don't think that I was doing as good as I wanted to be and now I feel that I am starting to hit rock bottom...

Tbh, I don't feel as if I have achieved anything by not self-harming, every day I still feel on the verge of doing it...

I try and limit contact with family as it's hard talking to them and you never know or get the full picture!

I did think that I had come to terms with some of what went on, but I think I dwell on it and can't or won't let myself move on.

Hersheys

If you're struggling without the meds, would you consider going back to your GP and discussing your options? Perhaps you weren't on the right ones - its like everything, different meds suit different people and if at first you don't succeed...

You've achieved more than you'll ever know by not self harming - I know what those urges are like. Its over two years since I self harmed (one slip about 9 months ago, but that's a long story) and I still get the urges - today I curled up in a ball on my couch trying not to cut, but I got through it, and I'm proud of me for it, and I'm proud of you for not doing it too. I know what it feels like to want to, to need to feel it, but there are other things that can distract you. Try XXX mints and really cold water, I find that helps distract me. Go for a walk. Go online. Do something... Anything but cut...

If you find you're still not over what happened, maybe go back to your counsellor, or try a new one? If it's still having an impact on your life, it mightn't be any harm. Have you ever spoken to a family member about what's going on?

LegacyUser

Tbh, I just saw my GP there a week ago...but I think I will go back before the weekend just to get something mild to help calm me down....like even last night I had to go down the road of a sleeping tablet to get sleep and then today I just couldn't physically get out of bed...I feel torn!

Distraction is an answer, just difficult to put into practise....when the urge takes over, its hard to go back. You're doing great though, it's good too hear of someone turn the other corner

I do attend my councellor on a weekly basis and I have opened up to her, but I feel that their is only so much I can say/do, I can't really go much further with her and I don't want to leave her cos she is great to me and good support!

My family don't want to know, my mum see's it as normal, and won't discuss it at all...

LegacyUser

Hi op,

I know what it is like, i have been in a similar situation, you are doing all you can and yet it is still so overwhelming. You are still in survival mode so anything you are doing is fantastic, it sounds like you have been through so much. Also it sounds like the meds are helping you through the stress of home and the issues of abuse you suffered, you are doing the best you can on your own, better than a lot of others could do, so see your strengths, and realize that you are getting older and you can get through this, you already have the awareness over your truth and you are not in denial about anything unlike the people at home!

I realized at one stage that all i knew was my dysfunctional chaotic home-life, i was drawn to it because despite everything it feels like home and you feel safe there in the strangest way! but once i realized i had to detach from that environment and embrace a healthier one i gave it a go. You may not be in a position to move out yet if you are in college, but if you could it would work wonders for you, then you would be out of the chaos and in your own space, although you would have the inner turmoil still there you can work on it and have a soft place to land, i did that and also went to group therapy with other girls my age, that really helped. Eventually the depression lifted for me and i did not have to take any medication.

Is there anyone else you can live with?

LegacyUser

Hi snookii,

I'm afraid I moved out over a month a go, thats why I'm finding it so hard I think...I'm away from what I'm used to!

I am going to go briefly back on meds tomorrow I think, depending on what my Doctor says, I just feel as if I'm getting annoyed over the slightest things! Yesterday, I couldn't get out of bed!

LegacyUser

lostwoman21 wrote: »

Hi snookii,

I'm afraid I moved out over a month a go, thats why I'm finding it so hard I think...I'm away from what I'm used to!

I am going to go briefly back on meds tomorrow I think, depending on what my Doctor says, I just feel as if I'm getting annoyed over the slightest things! Yesterday, I couldn't get out of bed!

Hi Op,

I know!... those days can be very frustrating and not only have you a lot on your mind you end up beating yourself up on top of it, the way i managed to over come my depression was i had to accept myself and the pace i was only able to go at, like you have to learn to sit with yourself and become aware what is coming up for you, of course your going to have strong emotions because you have a life time to release, but as time goes by it does pass, it is frustrating but you wouldnt be going through all this if you hadnt so much to process from the past, thats what they say depression is... anger turned in....

Its a good thing to now start to become aware of how you are speaking to yourself, like what is your internal dialogue like who's voice talks to you is it your parents giving out voice or your compassionate kind voice... if you are not used to hearing a kind voice then it is good to get to know what it would be like, there are so many books that saved my life if you are interested in hearing other peoples experiences and how they healed these books and resources are really good...



Louise L Hay YOU CAN HEAL YOUR LIFE she had a terrible childhood, was raped by and oul wino, went on to have hard times only to get cancer and heal completely and become a massive inspiration to the healing world. Her book is a best seller world wide.

hayhouseradio thats a free online radio its got all the top healers on weekly slots, look out for Wayne Dyer, Esther and Gerry Hicks, Doreen Virture, Marianne williamson.

Eckhart Tolle A NEW EARTH he goes through each chapter of that book with Oprah it is a hugely successful webinar event, its on oprah.com+anewearth

Susan Forward TOXIC PARENTS thats a great one, especially in the beginning it goes through all the toxic behaviours and how to deal with confronting your parents and being an adult in their presence. It has many examples of peoples experiences that i really related to.

Those resources there saved my life, i didnt find my therapy enough or the Irish society up to date enough in the mental health areas, the whole mindset about depression needs to change here big time.

Im sorry if this is unhelpful because i know the days can be really tough and its hard to talk to people but there is hope out there please keep the faith and do anything you can to feel better! All the best.

LegacyUser

Thank you so much for you replies...

I will definitely consider looking into some of those resources that you mentioned! I'm just going to take each day as it comes, back on meds as off today... new one's so maybe they'll be better suited to me....


Back at college next week, so hopefully that will bring a bit of structure to life, an force myself to kick myself out of bed in the morning!

Thanks again!