Self esteem crushed by au pair mother

LegacyUser

Hey everyone, going unreg for this. I'm 19 and going into second year at college. I study Spanish as part of my degree and during the summer I went to Spain to stay with a Spanish family who are family friends of my lovely Spanish teacher. They said they couldn't pay me (even though they're very wealthy) but would provide room and board in exchange for me looking after and speaking English with the two kids, and as this was cheaper than going to a language school, I was happy with that. I was so excited before I went but things started going downhill as soon as I arrived. I'd got up at 5am for the flight from Ireland and arrived exhausted into almost 40 degree heat, which was a shock to the system. The family picked me up from the airport, the kids were a little shy (understandably) but the mother was firing questions at me, which was fine, but she kept going on about how quiet I was, even though I thought I was being really friendly. When we arrived at the house, a load of other kids arrived to play in their pool, so I got changed and got in there with them, to be honest it was awkward cos they only spoke Spanish, and the mother had told me not to speak Spanish in front of her kids, so it was awkward but anyway I played along with their pool games, and was basically trying to observe the two kids I'd be looking after, get an idea of their personalities and so on. So I'd been at the house a total of 2 hours and I hear the mother on the phone to my Spanish teacher, complaining that I was really shy and quiet. After 2 hours! And knowing I'd been up since 5 and had had a bit of a shock at the difference in temperature! I was doing my best.

So basically I felt that she had labelled me as shy and quiet from the moment she met me, and nothing would change that, even though I explained that I like to weigh up situations a bit before jumping in and that I was a bit nervous with the Spanish. She complained that I didn't seem keen to speak Spanish but she was a bit intimidating and also I couldn't speak it around the kids, so opportunities were limited. I used to watch TV at night with her and her husband after the kids had gone to bed, but she often used to just argue with the husband, making me feel really uncomfortable, or when I was talking to the husband, she'd turn up the TV, so obviously I'd feel like I was annoying her by talking! One night I had enough of her complaining that I didn't speak, yet turning up the TV when I did, and I told her that to which she stormed off in a huff, telling me I was unforgivably rude. The next day I apologised and said I should have said it in a politer tone, but I stood by the comment. After that, she got better about the Spanish thing, but carried on telling me how shy and quiet I was. She used to have various family members come to the house for gatherings, but would never introduce me, leaving me to wander in awkwardly, not knowing who anyone was. She couldn't comprehend why that made me uncomfortable. She thought I should bound in and introduce myself, and when I didn't, accused me of having no interest in Spain or Spanish, which I thought was really unfair.

She also used to make all kinds of comments about me personally, like asking me why I had acne and advising me to stop eating chocolate (I have acne because I have hormonal problems and am on medication!) and telling me my eyes were 'dead' and had no soul (I have really, really dark eyes). When I told her I was intending to go to South America in a year or two she laughed in my face and told me it would never happen as I wouldn't be capable of doing it (she had kept telling me to go and visit cities at the weekends but I didn't really want to do it alone, fair enough, that was a bit wimpy but I come from a very small town and this was my first trip abroad alone). She also made it clear she thought I was a weirdo for not befriending her teenage relatives at family gatherings, but it was all so awkward. Nobody made the first step to engage me in conversation and I felt that even if she had introduced me by saying 'This is X and she's our au pair', it would have been so much easier. Half the people had no idea who I was. She also complained that I didn't thank her for the dinners she cooked, but I did often comment that they were nice. I would have felt a bit odd saying thanks for every meal as I was meant to be part of the family but perhaps that was my mistake. The thing is, my Spanish teacher and others insisted she was lovely and well meaning, so basically I've come away feeling like it was all my fault it didn't go well. I made a huge effort during first year of college to be social and make friends, as I come from a very sheltered little village, and now I'm totally crushed. I thought I was a normal, likeable person but I've just spent 3 months being told I'm a freak, basically. The mother even said I was nothing like the other Irish lady she knows, that she is really friendly and nice. That hurt me a lot. I'm not a bubbly, outgoing person, but I pride myself on being sincere and honest and my friends back home think I'm funny and fun to be with. Is this the impression I give to people? That I'm sullen and miserable and not a nice person? I'm dreading doing anything like that again now. I'm so crushed.

Herbal Deity

She sounds horrible tbh. But due to cultural differences, she may have found your behaviour strange.

When I was a teenager, I went to France for 3 weeks in the summer. I am a naturally quiet person, and back then I was 10x as quiet and shy as I am now. I spent the 3 weeks having the mother express extreme concern over the fact that I did not speak much. She kept asking if I was sad or homesick. Every Day. She kept telling me that if I did not speak I would learn no French. This made me much, much less likely to speak because of the subtle pressure she was putting on me.

I hated nearly every minute of that experience. I didn't really get along with the boy in the house who was my age or his friends either. But what I realised was that the problem was not with me, but rather that for cultural or personal reasons, I just didn't fit with the family. They weren't used to someone like me.

I went back and did another summer exchange the following year in a different part of France and it was much better. The family were bang on and I fit in with them.

Chalk it down to a bad/unfortunate experience and move on with your life.

LegacyUser

Hi Crushed,

I've been living in Spain teaching English since January this year. First off - don't let this crush you, don't take it personally.

Can I say - what a bitch! I see this all the time here - rich families want an au pair because they don't want to look after their kids, then pay them pittance. I've been offered so many jobs, and even had one woman get into a row with me via email because i complained about the pay. Teacher's here get paid on average 12-15e an hour, often more. NO WAY should any family ask somebody to work for free. There are plenty of au pair jobs where room, board and food is paid for, as WELL as a salary. Think about what you're providing - a native speaker, giving classes in English which normally go for 15e an hour, for free......as well as minding their kids. So next time, insist on a wage, and set down the conditions ie; u finish work around 6pm, anything after that is paid for and asked in advance, weekends u don't work.

as for the speaking spanish - most families, including hers, don't want you to speak spanish around their kids, seeing how that's always the case, unfortunately, it's not the best way to learn the language....

as for the woman's behaviour, i'm sorry, but I've met a lot of mother's like that, and have heard a lot of bad experiences of au pair work. Spanish mother's can be quite demanding and pushy with their kids. Especially those with money tend to treat their au pairs a little like dirt. Very often you need to have a strong word, in spanish, to tell them to back off and they'll have a bit more respect for you. If you don't have the language, it's kind of hard to get their attention.

as for spanish people, in general, they can be quite out-going, loud, a little 'take what's mind' attitude. personally, I love their confidence. What can seem rude to us - not introducing you to people, for them, is them accepting you in the group, thinking look, here's this new person, they're now one of our group, why would I need to introduce them? U do have to make a bit more effort to 'push' ur way into groups....but generally once u make an effort, the spanish are incredibly friendly and accepting. I find they're not as stand offish as other cultures, they don't watch and judge you, once you're there, and u get on with them, that's it.

the constant comments about being shy is just their culture. to them, they don't understand why ur shy....being quiet or shy is a little rude here, as it shows you don't want to get to know them.....u have to get over ur nerves, sometimes to the point of being rude right back....somebody told me when i arrived here and was having trouble getting a good deal on a bank account 'but, why didn't u shout at them, if you shout at them, then they will give you a good price'........laughable, a bit like a bad sitcom, but it's the way. sometimes u gotta be rude, demanding, and they'll jsut see it as normal behaviour...that said, don't be insulting, just assertive.


her comments about ur skin and inability to travel - over here, they don't have the same boundaries, I think she came accross wrong to you because of that culture difference. Maybe she was being a bitch, but possibly, it was just another question to her. They can be quite nosey, and anything is up for discussion, the way they see it, she was taking an interest in you. often that's to teh point of giving advice when it's not asked for....and the travelling, well, if you made no effort to get out on ur own, which I can understand cos it's scary...and already u were doing one major move on ur own, she was just being a bit sarky and mean........don't listen to her, she probably doesn't expect u to take this as personally as it obviously is. she probably expects u to just brush it off. which is what u should do - u've just gone and done a huge commitment to living in a foreign country, with people u don't know, alone, with no back-up.... that's incredible! don't let her get to u , next year u'll be in argentina.

look, judging from her not paying you, and some of the comments, I'd say u had a bad experience with this woman. she probably realises not paying u is bang out of order and is trying to treat u like crap to justify it to herself. if you go back, insist on her treating u better, i know u think that it'll be mean maybe, or that u don't want to be pushy or shout at ppl....and u don't need to get aggressive, but put a bit of bite in what u say and say it loudly cos she'll listen then. and often, once u give somebody here a bit of a bollocking, the respect goes up and u're accepted....ppl here do it to each other all the time, and it's not taken personally, and it's not really offensive, even on the phone, ordering ink for my printer I found myself saying ' holy feck, u don't have the ink? why not! i need it now! find it for me'....and instead of the usual...no we don't...he replied....oh, ok, i'll look again, and found it. surprise surprise.

that said, maybe find a different au pair?

dan_d

Hey Op.

While I think you had a bad experience with that woman, I do agree with the last poster.

I have a number of Spanish friends, and they are LOUD!!Think of any Spanish students you meet in Ireland - they're loud and shouting and can be rude. Anything is up for conversation - literally, anything. They are quite pass-remarkable, it's just their way.I'm not saying it's nice, but they do do it. The other thing is that they are well able to complain and make their point, whereas here in Ireland, if we don't like something, many people tend to just say "oh it's okay", rather than complain. Again, I'm not saying it's nice or good, but it's how they do business

You are just fine OP, and please pay no attention to that lady. She was obviously not very nice - I remember being told that many of the Spanish students that come over here are from the wealthier families in Spain and are usually little b"&%*rds (the words of a Spanish person, not mine!!), and let's face it, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree...;).

Consider it as an education for next time. Next time, demand to be paid, and (assuming they're a bit nicer that that lady), tell them outright if you're not happy with something they are saying/doing. do stand up for yourself. But you seem like an absolutely fine person OP, don't let it get you down.