Long term GF doesn't love me, yet again!

LegacyUser

Hey all try to make this quick.
Will be with my GF 7 years this xmas, we just bought a house last year and I just got off the phone with her crying telling me she's bored with our relationship and doesn't know how she feels about "us"!

She pulled this same ****e 3 years ago when we were on holiday that I bought for her birthday. we spent the whole time with her telling me she didn't love me but wanted too.

At that time I had a loan out to buy an engagement ring. Money went straight back to the bank.

She says treat her well but wants more.

Now I am not perfect and can't travel far because I suffer from anxiety while travelling so she's saying that this is most upsetting for her.

at this point I'm just sick of this and can't under why she be like this. Or why she can't bring these hissy fits up with one of her friends.

Any advice

LegacyUser

Look OP.

I'm a girl and at 3 years into our relationship, I didn't know what I wanted. I decided I didn't know whether or not I loved my boyfriend. I knew I should - I knew I wanted to - but I just couldn't figure out whether or not I actually did, or whether how I felt was enough.

This went on for 6 months, until we broke up briefly and I realised how much I needed him. So 7 years later, we're still together.

To be honest, you and your girlfriend need to have a chat. A long one. She needs to figure out what she wants, and (I hate to say this) she probably needs to figure it out on her own. There's not much you can do for her, except be patient. I don't know how old you are, or whether you met in school/college, but people do change and maybe she has.

Sorry I can't be a bit more cheerful.

Chinafoot

Just-dont-know wrote: »

Hey all try to make this quick.
Will be with my GF 7 years this xmas, we just bought a house last year and I just got off the phone with her crying telling me she's bored with our relationship and doesn't know how she feels about "us"!

At least she's being honest with you and wants to talk about it. Your attitude towards the whole issue isn't great though. Its like you want her to just shut up and get on with things.

Just-dont-know wrote: »

She pulled this same ****e 3 years ago when we were on holiday that I bought for her birthday. we spent the whole time with her telling me she didn't love me but wanted too.

And what did you say to her? Did you listen to what she was saying, try to talk about it? How did you leave things then? You're still together 3 years later so I'm going to assume all was ok in the end. Just because she had her doubts three years ago doesn't mean she's never allowed have doubts again.

Just-dont-know wrote: »

At that time I had a loan out to buy an engagement ring. Money went straight back to the bank.

She says treat her well but wants more.

Now I am not perfect and can't travel far because I suffer from anxiety while travelling so she's saying that this is most upsetting for her.

Ever heard of the 7 year itch, OP? Yes you've bought a house together but she could still feel that after 7 years and not being engaged that the relationship might not be going anywhere. I would question why you were prepared to propose 3 years ago but not since then despite your relationship still going for the last 3 years.

Have you received any counselling for your anxiety when you travel? Are you making any attempt to fix the situation or is it a case of "sorry love, you know I can't travel." She sounds bored. It happens. The best thing you can do is talk to her.

Just-dont-know wrote: »

at this point I'm just sick of this and can't under why she be like this. Or why she can't bring these hissy fits up with one of her friends.

Sick of it? She told you about her doubts twice in 7 years and you're "sick of it"? Again, your attitude is pretty shocking here. Its not like she's doing it every 6 months and messing your head around. She's telling you that she's not happy with the relationship and your solution is don't talk to me, go and bitch to one of your mates. The fact that you even call this a "hissy fit" speaks volumes.

Do you want to be with her? Do you want to have a proper relationship where doubts and fears can be discussed like mature adults and a solution can be found? Or do you want someone who will just suck it up and get on with things without bothering you? Tbh, it sounds like its the latter you're after.

LegacyUser

I don't know what you mean by 'anxiety while travelling' but as an aside I have heard that hypnosis can really help people with a fear of flying - and with general anxiety too, whatever it may be. Just a thought.

LegacyUser

Listen obviously I cant display the full picture here but I don't think its over reacting when your partner tells you she doesn't love but wants to but doesn't know but maybe she does but she doesn't feel it but wants too.

3 years ago I was very patient and loving and caring and told her I could wait for her to figure it out. And I thought she did.

As for working on the anxiety I have never been more active on this. Spending a fortune on therapy and medications which I think is working greatly and I feel better on a daily basis while big trips are still out of reach. But she says its not enough.

My fear is that we do get married or worse start having children together when she finally decides that she wants out. Which would be her packing her bags and back to her parents leaving me to figure out what to do with the house and anything else.

I was prepared to purpose 3 years ago because I was sure i wanted to be with her. Then she tells me she doesn't love me but wants to but doesn't know.What was I suppose to do with that?

Now I feel like I'm making every effort and sacrifice while she still complains about being bored. I quite literally pay for every bill and mortgage even though she swore she could afford to share these, it turns out she couldn't.
I put myself through more pain going places to make her happy yet I don't make they effort??

I will be home this evening where we will talk. She is already trying to play this down over the phone but I cannot put so much effort into this to have her cry like a child that its not enough.

I understand people have doubts and worries but that what friends are for in my opinion. To set you straight or give you advice. By bring this to me in all its glory it simply puts into doubt our whole relationship.

This has got me thinking how I feel about her. Putting the house and anxiety aside and just look how we are together. Honestly I really do love here and when thing are good they are great and when they are bad we talk it out. But this is on another level again. We talked about this last nigh and she just doesn't make sense.

We'll see tonight I guess but I cannot do more, or sacrifice more than I already have to make this work.

LegacyUser

Just-dont-know wrote: »

I understand people have doubts and worries but that what friends are for in my opinion. To set you straight or give you advice. By bring this to me in all its glory it simply puts into doubt our whole relationship.

I would much prefer my boyfriend to speak to me when he has doubts or worries than to think he is talking behind my back to his friends! Don't you think you are in a better position to solve problems in your own relationship than your girlfriend's friends are?

PopUp

OP it sounds, and I am not saying this to have a go, like you can't stand her.

Seriously, you haven't mentioned one good quality.

I don't think she's alone in feeling like the spark has gone.

You can reignite it, but it takes WORK. A lot of work, and it sounds like neither of you are interested in that.

I'd never tell a stranger to end a 7-year relationship based on two posts on the internet, but from what you've written here, I see nothing but dislike and contempt for each other here. All I'll say is that if you do choose to end it, neither of you has to be the bad guy. It is possible to split and not be bad people, just no longer suited to each other. But carrying on a dead relationship is the easiest way to start hating someone you used to love.

Taltos

OP

sounds like this relationship has run it course.

Now you could both get all emotional, crying, tears, recriminations.
Or you could simply thank each other for all the joy etc over the last 7 years but now just close the door on it.

If she doesn't know now - well come one - think you know the answer there...
And I get you are angry and frustrated - but don't you think you deserve so much more??? So give a huge sigh of relief and be thankful that you did not get married...

Maybe seek legal advice for disposal of joint property etc...

Who knows - maybe time apart will do you both good...

LegacyUser

She's insecure. Reference the Beyonce song.
I'll bet lots of friends/relatives have had the whole excitement& anticipation of engagement/wedding, & she's looked on, &had the mundane bits of house buying& being stuck in the country (yes, I'm sure she could travel on her own/with friends, but she'd probably much prefer to go with you) to contend with.
It's a girl thing, esp after 7yrs, they love a bit of attention& a big public display of your love for them.
She sees you spending all your time and effort on YOU& your phobia, and probably thinks, this is what he does if he wants something, he goes all out for it. So...why isn't he making a similar effort for me? Cue bust-up. Cue you ducking& diving for cover.
Life will probably be much simpler& easier for you once you get on with things.

LegacyUser

Well, Big talk last night.

She had talked to her mother and a friend about how she felt and they suggested she talk to me. I was happy about this because I just wanted to know that she had actually thought about this.

She has basically felt like she can't see a future with me when she wants to travel and I can't.
Thats she feels alone all the time even with me and that she wanted to take a break to see what else is out there. (Or basically who else is out there)

To be honest I said I didn't know it was this bad but that I couldn't do more on the travelling side than I already am.
That there was no way I could have a break for her to sleep around and get back together.

Honestly, it has been a very bad couple of months with money being very tight for me and especially recently where I have been forcing myself to travel in and out of Dublin city center for a course.

She then suggested couples counselling which through as she just went from wanting a break to see other people to wanting work on it. I thought we talked about everything but obviously not enough.

I said that is it possible that we have just become friends that live together but that was met with "Is that how you feel" as an accusation.

I just don't understand how she can go from wanting to see other people to wanting to make it work with me. If the travelling thing was the main reason for all this and that hasn't hanged they how can she be ok to try again. I asked her all this but it was merely brushed aside.

Now we're giving it a month to really try to get the spark going again and see if the feelings for each other a really there.

I am willing to try because we are friends and I do love her. I am willing to pay attention and make an effort but I have so much doubt.

I guess only time will tell. All I know is we came so close to ending our relationship last night and it seemed so amicable, so natural. Regardless of what happens there will be no enemies in this which gives me hope.

Thanks for the replies. A lot to consider.

LegacyUser

Quote from OP:'I just don't understand how she can go from wanting to see other people to wanting to make it work with me. If the travelling thing was the main reason for all this and that hasn't hanged they how can she be ok to try again. I asked her all this but it was merely brushed aside.'

Because she is just a human being. Feelings and emotions are complicated especially you guys have been together for 7 years, the spark is lost and that a lot of work and effort needed to be put in.

She may want out but then she still has feelings and love to you.

Counselling is a good idea.

And OP, be honest to yourself as well. And honest to her. Tell her all your feelings: confused, exhausted, tired of putting effort, felt tight with finance...

LegacyUser

OP, I think your situation is probably more common than you think. I've been married for nearly a year and there are genuinely times when I question if I love my wife or not. Our relationship seems to go from being absolutely amazing and fantastic and I'm on top of the world to feeling like we're completely incompatible in the space of a few days. When it's bad, I really question why we're together and feel like the rest of my life is going to be miserable. However, this is the way I feel only about 5% of the time. The rest of the time I feel like the luckiest man in the world. At the minute, I think I'm bottoming out, so hopefully I'll feel in love again in a few days!!

It sounds like this is how your girlfriend is. One minute she wants to work things out, the next she needs a break. There's every chance that you two could go through your entire lives like this. I think that I'm going to feel this way for the rest of my life. One day I'm head over heals in love, another day I feel like I'm pretending to be in love. I don't know if this post is of any benefit to you but all I can offer to you is that love and feelings are incredibly complex and can change drastically from one day to the next. I guess I'm happy that I feel like I'm in love the vast majority of the time. Best of luck OP, I hope things work out for you