Surfing more important than the girl?

Labs

Have been seeing a guy for 3 months really nice, kinda falling for him and was happily just going with the relationship flow until this morning.

In summary I have always known he loves to surf it's his obsession, but he actually said it would always come first before me. I would always come second to a good swell and I dunno he is a great guy and its early days but would love some feedback on weather people think that's cool or not?

Being highly driven professionally I can understand but this is a sport.... He said he'd try to see me most weeks but they way he said it will always come first over me feels a bit ominous!

LegacyUser

watch his actions - I know he SAYS you will come first - but watch what he actually does. Try to see things objectively though when the swell v. u comes around and weigh up how important it was that time to see you or how imp. it was to do what he loves.

thing is - having that ambition is pretty sexy, having that drive to pursue ur passion....unless he's neglecting you for it, I'd go with it....maybe try give surfing a go? I'm sure there are hobbies you pursue that he doesn't, so respect his desire to keep his sport up. It's not something he'll ever drop...sorry, but if you're hoping that one magical day he stays home with you instead....well, even if he did for a while, he'll end up back on the board...and rightly so, it's part of who he is.....now u gotta figure out how happy you are with this....i know from my parents, my dad is obsessed with a certain sport, goes there every night, and she learned to accept it's something he loves to do and fighting it won't get you anywhere....

whatsamsn

Labs wrote: »

..... but he actually said it would always come first before me. I would always come second to a good swell and I dunno .....

Hmmm. Thats not a good thing to say.
Thats kinda like him officially putting that out there so if it becomes a problem he can easily turn around and say "well i told you" ... :rolleyes:

One could say that maybe he is reeling from a bad relationship where he SHOULD of put surfing ahead of his ex. Hence why he stated that in his new relationship. Who knows in 6 months he might feel differently.


But op, giving people the benefit of the doubt when other facts are present is very foolish to do. So i say take him on his words. That he will put surfing ahead of you. Question is do you want to accept that.

Faith

I've lost count of how many times I've posted this now, but I spent nearly two years with a musician who was training for a professional career in music. Music always came before me. Gigs, college, band practice, any work experience that came his way, music society in college... Anything that was remotely related to music was more important than me.

It was soul-destroying.

It was made worse by the way that he made me feel awful every time I got upset when he wouldn't see me because he had music stuff on. We lived 80 miles apart. I'd drop everything to see him, and he wouldn't even cut band practice short to get to my house before midnight on one of the two nights we spent together. He wouldn't cancel anything if I offered to go to him.

I simply can't advise you to stay with this guy unless you're extremely independent and happy to take second place forever. You'd basically be a part-time girlfriend.

thefeatheredcat

he's told you now and has been upfront that surfing is always going to be a priority over you.

think about this - are you going to be happy if after you painstakingly arranged a weekend together or something or had plans for private time he gets a phone call or a text from his friends that the waves are good in Cork, Dingle, Clare, Galway or wherever and he blows you off at the drop of a hat?

Chances are probably not.

Unless you are very independent and are happy with him doing his thing and you doing yours then I would probably take this as a chance to leave before you get hurt.

Trying to build a co-dependant relationship based on his interest and passion that you do not share (even if you suddenly took interest in surfing, which is much more than a sport btw) is most likely not going to work.

seenitall

No, it's not cool.

I wouldn't go so far as to call it ominous, but at three months into a relationship it is very far from promising, too.

In other words, I myself couldn't live with always taking a second seat to a sport, even it is a passion. But I know that when emotions are invested, it is very difficult to make a break from someone on the basis of his mere words, regardless of them being the words of warning.

Well, you will soon see how well he is living up to his warning, anyway.

It's your call. I hope you make the right decision for yourself.

Good luck with it!

Labs

I said a hell of a lot of curse words after reading all your replies, thanks for them all though I was just hoping there would be a few more positive ones instead of so many good reasons our relationship wont work... am a bit in shock now. I really like this guy cant believe this kind of ultimatum from him would just completely end things.

I am an independent person think its due to being an only child and really until he said all that I was happy with how much we saw each other and how it was going, having been hurt before I prefer the taking it slow approach. He has said he is going to make an effort to see me once or twice a week and I told him unless he wants us to break up it has to be quality time and he agreed

General consensus is fairly negative though... But i'm going to give him a chance apart from this he is a really sweet intelligent sexy guy and we have lots in common and I just can't let that go yet

Does anyone else think it sounds like I like him a lot more then he cares for me? ha

santana75

Labs wrote: »

Does anyone else think it sounds like I like him a lot more then he cares for me? ha

I'll give you a perspective from the other end of things. Im an athlete myself and my sport has always been there from as far back as I can remember, so its literally a part of me. Its everything to me, I think about it night and day. I train twice per day, everything I do is for my sport. Its a drive to be the absolute best I can be. I love playing my sport and couldnt imagine my life without it. Now the thing is, Mrs Santana takes part in the same sport, only not to the same extent. But she understands and thats the crucial thing here because I think whats going on with you and this guy is that you dont get it, you cant understand how somebody could prioitise a sport over you. You live in a different world, admitedly the world that most people live in, where sport is something they'll do on very much a part-time secondary basis. But for this guy his sport is primary and thats how athletes think, its all about their sport. And yes, a lot of athletes are self absorbed or at the very least, absorbed in their sport. Dont take it personally, like Iike I said, you literally live in a different world to this guy. There is no woman on the planet who could make this guy put surfing second so its nothing to do with you at all.
Things work between myself and Mrs Santana because she gets it and the reason she gets it because shes immersed in the sport we both play herself. Youre not a surfer and it sounds like youre not involved in any sport yourself OP so its pretty hard for you to truly understand where this guy is coming from. For you, people and socialising will always come first, for this guy, training and competing come first. I think you'll end up getting hurt, sounds like its happening already. Dont wanna be the bearer of bad tidings or anything but I think youre trying to fit a square peg in a round hole here. Good luck.

seenitall

Hi OP,

I know things look bad for your relationship from the side of the posters on here, but you should keep in mind that it is your life and your relationship after all, and at the end of the day the only thing that really matters is how this prioritising on your bf's part is making YOU feel.

So I think that, all in all, you have made a good decision: don't do anything rash, see how it goes and how you feel a bit further on in the relationship, and if it ever gets to the stage where you become unhappy with both his priorities and your choice, you can always choose to move on.

As regards who likes whom more, I honestly don't know what it sounds like. It is quite possible that this guy likes you to his utmost capability of liking any girl at all. It's just that the surf comes first. So I think the really relevant question is can you live with that, and not the degrees of like and similar.

jessiejam

[/QUOTE]In summary I have always known he loves to surf it's his obsession, but he actually said it would always come first before me. I would always come second to a good swell

I would have walked as soon as he said this. Its his hobby not his profession. I'm sure if he really wanted to he could fit both in comfortably. If your happy coming second best to a hobby then fine, some people are ok with that, you don't seem to be.

Distorted

I'm a bit like Santana75, except I'm a woman who is an athlete. I've always gone out with other athletes, because I like to have something in common with the person in my life. And its not just the doing of the sport, its the attitude towards life, the focus to succeed, the drive, the ambition...I get sick of middle aged men at my club moaning about their wives who don't do any sport (to them - I'm not interested, I don't want to hear it).

I'm wondering though whether you do have more in common than you think. You mention you are ambitious and driven in your career, and it sounds like his is driven and ambitious in his sport. I'd be thinking about how old he is and whether he competes successfully or not. Because you could feasibly come to admire him for his talent and committment if he is perhaps no older than mid twenties and successful in surfing, with prospects. Competing successfully doesn't necessarily mean winning money, but being up there with the leading guys, or at least having prospects to do so.

Otherwise, if he were say 35 and didn't even compete successfully, I'd be thinking he was a bit of a bum. And that would go for any sport. Nothing wrong with still training around the rest of your life but if someone is still obsessed with a rigidly obsessive training schedule that prevents other parts of their life from moving forwards when they're getting on a bit, unless they are successful, thats a bit strange really.

NickDrake

You have to understand surfing is not like any other sport and it is hard for those who do not partake in it to understand it.

I am presuming he is a good surfer and that means he will be travelling a good bit to waves and this means a full day.

This is what you are going to have to put up with I'm afraid.

One of my friends is an avid surfer. A real ripper but his gf understands and gives him time. Its what he does and defines him.

My advice is put up with it. Don't try and understand it.

But maybe you can. Take up surfing. While he won't want you tagging along to every break as they vary in difficulty and some are more dangerous than other, I presume he won't mind you joining him on the easier days.

Good Luck!!

LegacyUser

NickDrake wrote: »

You have to understand surfing is not like any other sport and it is hard for those who do not partake in it to understand it.

But maybe you can. Take up surfing. While he won't want you tagging along to every break as they vary in difficulty and some are more dangerous than other, I presume he won't mind you joining him on the easier days.

Have to agree with this.

I surf and if I knew that there was an amazing swell on the way, I'd have the car packed and other things would take second place. Friends don'[t understand that getting up in the morning to travel west for a wave is far more important than an extra Friday night pint with them.

It's not like other sports in that he's not just playing for 2 hours on a Sat morning and he knows the days he'll be doing that so you can plan the rest of your day.

It's unpredictable.

I've been invited away for a few weekends with friends and I can't commit to them. Why not? Well, I don't know what the waves will be like elsewhere. And only my surfer friends can comprehend that.

But, if you joined him on those trips, you'd get to see some wonderful parts of the country every weekend. Join him on a trip or two. Suggest that you stay in some nice places and you'd get to see him when he's finished.

As for the comment about being 35 and being a bum!! FFS - it's a hobby. For most surfers it's not about competing. It's fun, enjoyable, keeps you fit, out in nature, following a passion, and living life

LegacyUser

I think it's fairly simple really. He's just not that into you.

If he was, he'd be putting you ahead of his surfing hobby.

When you meet the love of your life, you put your hobbies on the back bench. He hasn't done this for you...

LegacyUser

As an avid surfer, i know well the feeling of wanting to drop everything when the conditions are right, and just go catch waves. Unfortunately, ireland has some of the best waves in the world. As somebody who has been in a long term realtionship, and gets his fair share of surfing, it is about compromising, from both of you. Although he says, swell is his number one priority, actions speak louder than words. I used to say something similar but in reality, it wasn't a hundred percent true. It also depends what stage of surfing he is at, if he has just been bitten by the bug and is progressing, he will want to surf the entire time as it is so addictive. However, if he has been surfing a good few years, he will only head away when the surf is really good or he hasn't been in the water a long time and should be more compromising.

Unfortunately, surfers are selfish people, and only other surfers understand and can accept this selfishness, especially if they are on the receiving end of it. For exaample, if a close friend of mine missed my birthday because he was getting some good waves, i would not care in the slightest. I say see how it goes. If surfing really is getting in the way of the two of you, and you're not happy then you'll know what to do. If you can handle him, getting away on day trips and weekends here and there, and everything else is good then don't ruin a good thing because he is not saying you are his number one priority. You have only been togther 3 months so becoming his number one priority may take time. If possible, say you'd like to go away surfing with him, even just to watch, because there are some great waves being surfed in remote, beautiful places, and you'll see a side to ireland you didnt even know existed.

LegacyUser

OP, I feel for ya... like one of the posters above, I was seeing a guy who was a musician. He was never really as blunt as your bf was about music coming before me (I almost wish he had been!), but it was something I kind of realised without it being said. It was what he did before I came along, and I didn't expect him to change his lifestyle for me, but that didn't stop me falling for him really quickly and really hard.

Unfortunately it was also the main reason that we ended up breaking up. To be honest, I would advise you to call it quits now because the feeling when you realise you're coming second to something is just horrible. But of course, it's your life and I know what it's like to cling on and hope that something will change, or that you'll get used to it.

I don't want to be the runner-up in anyone's life, I want him to love me as much as I love him. But right now, he's too focused on his music to commit to a relationship with me or anyone else. It sucks.

PhysiologyRocks

I find it strange that he felt he needed to make a point of saying surfing comes first.

I mean, surely in the normal course of events, two people will meet as often as they can/want to. If surfing comes first, that will become apparent.

I would get the impression that he is either trying to let you down gently, or else he is a bit odd. Either way, I would steer clear.

LegacyUser

i surf wrote: »

I used to say something similar but in reality, it wasn't a hundred percent true. It also depends what stage of surfing he is at, if he has just been bitten by the bug and is progressing, he will want to surf the entire time as it is so addictive. However, if he has been surfing a good few years, he will only head away when the surf is really good or he hasn't been in the water a long time and should be more compromising.

Unfortunately, surfers are selfish people, and only other surfers understand and can accept this selfishness..

Actually that is very true. I would be less impulsive about it now and even this weekend coming I'm thinking more of a date with a girl I met recently than about the waves.

seenitall

34534534 wrote: »

I think it's fairly simple really. He's just not that into you.

If he was, he'd be putting you ahead of his surfing hobby.

When you meet the love of your life, you put your hobbies on the back bench. He hasn't done this for you...

Oh boy. Yes, because everyone in the world is naturally cut from the very same cloth and will invariably hold to the same prescribed standards of feeling and behaving, especially when it comes to love.

Newsflash:

some people like their world to revolve around their relationships, some don't.

Some people put surfing first, some don't.

Some people like to make vastly generalised claims, some don't.

Labs

Thanks again for all the replys everyone,

Reading through them and thinking it over I do feel part of the reason why I like him is his drive, dedication and he is a great surfer, as far as obsessions go its pretty damn cool. We also have other stuff in common even if I haven't a clue about surfing.

The extreme way he put it as someone else said is due to his ex baggage, so although it may seem strange i'm going to give it another few weeks anyway. I'm going to bring up the idea of me going with him some weekend I think that'll give me a good idea if we could really work, if he wants me to be around when he's doing what he loves, even if it's just holding the camera.

Although I think it was way too soon for him to bring it up, he said it in such a strong way so that I would take him seriously, he didn't want to lead me on and disspoint me. When he texted later that day he said he was sorry to have upset me earlier and it wouldn't be too long again till he saw me and hugged me. I think he does really care about me.

I really like the guy but he isn't my number one priority right now ether really if i'm honest, ( an amazing PhD is my hearts desire! ) I don't think it would be healthy if he was after only 12 weeks.

Maybe after a few more weeks i'll feel completely neglected and i'll have to move on... Or maybe i'll be just as happy the days he's off surfing as the days we do stuff together, hopefully if he wants to keep me he'll make those days count !

PhysiologyRocks

Okay, purely hypothetically...

If surfing genuinely will ALWAYS come first for him, how would you feel if you were to fall head-over-heels in love with him and surfing was still his priority? If he means it really, then it won't change. If he doesn't mean it genuinely, then he's fickle... Neither seems awfully appealing.

If you were to get married... How would you feel then if surfing came first? Your child's birthday... off goes daddy to catch a wave.

Let's say you get together and you feel a few years down the line that surfing now comes second to you... If you find out otherwise, then what?

Also, we're not comparing like with like here... surfing is an activity. You are a person. It worries me a bit that he thinks the two are comparable.

John Mason

soccer will always come before me in my relationship.

it doesnt bother me in the slightest - i just head off and do my own stuff.

i love the fact that every 2nd friday he is at matches at the moment. i love my friday nights without him :D

LegacyUser

Labs wrote: »

............. even if it's just holding the camera.
!

Wow - you are a surfer's dream. He'll love it.