should i give it a go?

LegacyUser

I met a guy about 6 weeks ago. I've been out of a long term relationship well over a year, and quite happy to be single...in fact I've been quite gun-shy since. He was my first love, it ended badly and afterwards I realised I'd lost myself in the relationship, I looked to him for validation, and because his heart wasn't in the relationship, he treated me with little respect, berrated me and brought me down, and often tried to push me away with some crap behaviour or insults 'for my own good'. I put up with a lot of stuff and I was always the one to say i'd be more independent.

So I met this guy whilst back home visiting family, but I live in a different country. He wants to keep seeing each other, I'm hesitant. I feel I should split with him now -I've no intention of returning to his country, and though he mentioned moving here, I don't like talking about it as we haven't been seeing each other long, and I don't think I'd like the idea anyways.

Thing is, I like chatting to him, we email almost every day and he makes me smile. back home, we hung out nearly every day ...I like the flirting and the prospect of him visiting in a few weeks...it's only a short plane journey to see one another, but I can't afford it on the level it would need....also, I'm not sure I want to be faithful or in a relationship with someone long distance, they generally don't work out and we've not been going out long enough - why try?

another thing I've an issue with is his job....he's only young, mid -20's but hasn't been to college (dropped out due to illness)...and he's applied again, but might not get it.....it may seem shallow, but I'm scared he has no ambition and will make nothing of himself......my ex was lazy, intelligent, but didn't see the point of working. it was a major turn -off, to see so much talent wasted in a dead end no-respect job....It's not that I wanted him to make millions, but it is important to me that a person is happy and working towards bettering themselves, even if it's not to make tonnes of money, but to do something worthwhile with their time.....I worked so hard in college, got a degree and at least made a shot at a career...it isn't working out now, and though I'm workign for pennies, I moved out of Ireland cos I didn't want to stay on the dole, and I'm learning a new language in teh process.

I know this guy reads a lot, taught himself the drums (he's quite good) and knows a lot of random facts...but can I trust that he'll find his path....I know it might seem too soon to start thinking of things like that, career, security etc...but I'd hate to fall for the same type of guy again (another musician too!), and face more time tied to the person I love, but not seeing our lives go anywhere together. I've been brought up to want more from life, to work hard, to improve urself, doing a dead end job is fine if it's leading somewhere...but now with college looking like it's not gonna happen for this guy- will it be like the last one, a guy full of excuses and talk but not doing anything with his life?

Taltos

OP

I think you might be overthinking things and doing too much comparison to your ex.
At the end of the day what is important is how he makes you feel. Do you look forward to spending time with him. Does he make you feel loved and safe and excited, etc.

However - it has only been 6 wks out of a relationship where you describe that you lost yourself. So - is 6 wks enough to find youself again???

I am normally of the opinion that when you find love you have to grab it - but based on you losing yourself what chance of success would this stand, added to that your hangup on him being successful/driven (educated)...?


PS - apologies on getting the duration incorrect, must have misread.

seenitall

guest2 wrote: »

doing a dead end job is fine if it's leading somewhere...

Lol. I had to laugh at this OP, sorry.

It doesn't sound to me like you are "feeling" it for this guy, really. I mean, 6 weeks in, is, or should be, the honeymoon phase, and not the phase of looking at all the reasons why the guy is not suited to you, why the long- term and distance would be difficult etc etc. It's a sure sign that YOUR heart is not in this one.

Perhaps your gut is also talking to you a bit. Perhaps you see yourself in another relationship down the line with another guy who is the type of guy who doesn't suit you and your needs in a relatonship.

Dunno... that's only how it reads to me, OP. Something to consider.

LegacyUser

Hi Taltos, thanks for your reply - but I've been split with my ex for well over a year again. I feel like I'm finding myself again, and I've more confidence in myself etc....

this new relationship only started 6 weeks ago...it's not a relationship yet as such, we said we'd try keep it casual, knowing the distance etc and we'd be free to meet other ppl....but I guess even tho we said that, if I like the person, I can't be with anyone else, i'm fairly monogamous.....and i like him, I can't help but want to talk to him and chat to him so the same intensity we started with back home (seeing lots of each other) has continued to here.

I'm comparing him a lot with teh ex...I'm just really nervous of ending up with someone not suited to me again - seenitall u kind of hit the nail on the head with that comment....but I don't know if it's seeing the flaws in him....or seeing my ex and the mistake i made choosing him.......

as for the distance practical stuff- i'm not the type to ignore the obvious practical stuff....I DO see distance as a problem, I did long distance before and it was ok, but we'd been together for 2 years and I was only gone for 6mths....I just don't want the heartbreak a few months down the line when both of us realise there's no finish point to the long-distance and there's no point continuing....but even though I know that....I still really want to keep seeing him and talking to him....should i stop it?