What to do???

LegacyUser

I am in a total mess. I am in my mid twenties (female) and married for a couple of years. The thing is, I am in love with someone else and I know in my heart that I would be happier with them. They are also married and know that they would be happier with me. Before this happened I was one of these people who immediately judged anyone who cheated on their partners and thought they were all ba****ds and that there was no excuse for this. I am the last person anyone would think would do this. Now that it has happened to me I realize that it is not that simple. I have gone through hell and still am. I amn devastated and am not eating or sleeping. This has happened and is done now so my question is really what should I do? Should I end it (my husband doesn't know) and get on with my life and try and forget about the person I love, even though I know in my heart he is far more suited to me and would make me happier? If I am not suited to my husband maybe there is someone better for him too and in the long run he would be happier too? I cannot tell him what has happened because I don't want to hurt him that way. I would find it very hard to leave him too as I would hate to hurt him, but in my heart I know that isn't a good enough reason to stay together. I also worry about what our families would think/say. I know what I have done is wrong and nothing anyone says can make me feel worse about that so I would be grateful is people could offer advice rather than criticism. I totally understand if people read this and think "what a bitch" as I would have thought the same before this happened but believe me, unless you have gone through it you cannot understand how hard it can be. I didn't mean to fall in love with someone else, I got married too young and didn't realise there was someone better for me. I have cried my heart out over this and have been suicidal a number of times. Thanks for reading

Oryx

The only way you are going to get proper perspective on the whole situation is to get away from both men for a time. While you are still caught up in the emotions of both situations you wont see the wood for the trees.

You also need to accept that you cannot get out of this situation now without hurting someone. You can limit it, certainly, but you cant prevent it and any attempts to postpone that hurt will likely make things worse.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the reply Oryx. Are you saying I should stay away from both of them for a while in order to see who I want more? The thing is I know in my heart who would make me happier and it is not my husband

Oryx

Anon2010 wrote: »

Thanks for the reply Oryx. Are you saying I should stay away from both of them for a while in order to see who I want more? The thing is I know in my heart who would make me happier and it is not my husband

No, Im saying you need to get away from both of them to get a clear head on everything. Its about more than simply choosing one.

bubbaloo

It sounds to me like, as you said, you got married too young and I can understand that you have now found someone you can envisage in your future.
But I think it is unfair to continue lying to your husband.
Your family/friends etc may react negatively to begin with but they will gradually get used to the idea and learn to accept your new life - whether or not that be with this other man.
You will be a happier person if you are true to yourself and others.
I would comapre this situation to someone trying to accept that they are gay. If they continue to live a lie they will be miserable and those around them will not understand why.
If they find the courage to come out and live the truth they will be happier in the long run and those around them will learn to accept them for who they really are.
I hope you can see what I'm trying to say.

LegacyUser

Hi Anon2010,

Having gone through a separation recently I can advice the following.

Stop all contact with the person you are having an affair with at once. I know this will be difficult for you because you are most likely addicted to them but it is very important to help solve your problem. You are being selfishly disrespectful not only to your husband and family but also to his wife and family. Be honest and open with your husband, this will take courage, but it is necessary for him to understand everything that is going on. You can not simply say you want to leave that you are unhappy as he will never understand. I would strongly recommend counselling as a method of trying to deal through all your issues with your husband. You may be suprised to find what might come out in this process, but it is very important to go in with an open mind. Take your time with your husband to work through things and see if there is any hope for your marraige or not. Weigh up all the pros and cons about seperating, this is a very important decision with major impacts for the rest of your life. Be very carefull not to rush it.
Read up about what happens in affairs, why they happen and the feelings that people develope in the process of one. Affairs for the most part are not real life which is why your feelings can be so extreme. Look at the statisics of success rates for people having affairs to have a long term relationship following on from one. They are extremely low and there are good reasons for these.

Upon giving yourself the space and time and having worked through everything with your husband you will be in a better position to decide if staying or going is the best decision. If at that point you decide that going is the right thing for you then you can say you tried everything in your marriage. You are then free to follow up on your other relationship. If it is meant to be with this other person then it will be, but you need to work on the one you committed too first.

As I said at the beginning of my reply I have gone through separtation recently. My wife had an affair and wanted to leave to be with that person. Through the process of the separation she realised that she did not in fact actually love the other person but it was all too late. Too marriages ruined and a lot of people deeply hurt as a result.

Take your time, be 100% sure and good luck.

LegacyUser

Thanks bubbaloo.
The thing is that I know my husband doesn't deserve this. He has not really done anything "wrong". He doesn't have a drink or gambling problem. He is basically reliable etc. etc. I used to think we had a good relationship but looking back there was obvisouly a reason why I fell in love with someone else! I am not trying to make excuses for what I did but juat to give some background - When we first started going out myself and my now husband really hit it off and for the first yeat things were wonderful (we were only 18, we got married when we were 25). But as the years went on he stopped putting in as much effort to our relationship whereas I continued to put in the effort. For example, in recent years he forgot my birthday or else remembered it but did not get a present etc. etc. He stopped asking me anything about my day or about my life in general. If I told him that I would like to be asked about things eg. if I had a doctors appointment I would like him to ask how I got on, he would get annoyed and say that if I wanted him to know I should just tell him. I suppose I was always the one looking out for him and taking care of him in the relationship. He lost his job a few years ago and never really put any effort in to finding a new one. I would look up jobs and email them to him but he rarely phoned about them and when I asked him to he would tell me I was "nagging" him! I was always the one planning everything holidays etc and if it wasn't for me we would do nothing. I got planning permission for a house for us a couple of years ago without any help from him and since then he has never said anything about starting it, if it wasn't for what is happening I would be pushing this too. I did everything with respect to bills, forms, tax etc. etc. I suppose I just got tired of giving all the time. He can also be impatient and hates if I ask him too many questions as he thinks I am being nosy, whereas I am only showing an interest and would be delighted if he asked me a load of questions about my life!! The other big thing is his attitude to sex. I'll describe this best with this story - one valentines day he made me a nice dinner and afterwards tried to initiate sex, for whatever reason I didn't want to and he got very annoyed and basically said that after he made dinner the least I could do was have sex with him!!! That is just one example - we had different attitudes to sex which has been a cause of many arguments. There is no chemistry (from my side) between us. I never feel like having sex with him and so never initiate it and I always kind of thought there was something wrong with me. Now I realise that I just wasn't with the right person and that is the reason. I feel so sad to think I will not be with someone I feel passion for

LegacyUser

Bob 244 - only saw your post after I had replied to bubaloo's. I would never be able to tell him about the affair - this is not for my sake as I'm sure it would actually help me deal with the guilt, but is for his sake. It would be very hard for him to deal with this. He know's we have not been getting on and it would be easier for him to deal with break-up because we are not right for eachother.
I am very sorry to hear about your situation and I understand your point of view but my situation is different - I do not just think I am in love with someone else and it is not as if we have been living in a dream world where everything is perfect. We have both been through hell because of all this and we still want to be together. We are both so right for eachother compared to the people we married (we both married too young, probably because we weren't confident enough to believe we would find someone better for us). I know in my heart I would be fullfilled and happy with him, that is the heartbreaking thing. I feel like it is a choice between being unhappy for the rest of my life because I don't want to hurt people or hurting people but being happy

Zen65

Anon2010 wrote: »

I am in a total mess. I am in my mid twenties (female) and married for a couple of years. The thing is, I am in love with someone else and I know in my heart that I would be happier with them.

I think you've just discovered that there is no such thing as a soul mate.

When you married your husband, did you not feel that he was the one? Do you not love him now? And here you are just 2 years later thinking that somebody else is better!

I am basing my response on the presumption that your relationship with your husband was good until you found this "better man".


If you both leave your partners, ruining 2 lives in the process, and you marry this other man, .... it is highly likely that in years to come you could meet another who you think would make you even happier.

The chances are that if you split from your husband, and this other man splits from his wife, that four lives will be ruined. Of course maybe it will work out for you (though I suspect not) and only two lives will be ruined.

I'm not for staying in a dead marriage, but breaking a marriage (two marriages in this case) because you met somebody you might be more suited to is a different thing altogether.

My advice is to stop your relationship with this other man. Work on your marriage and let him work on his. Opting for greener hills when there's grass on yours is a poor strategy in life, and in the longer term rarely brings happiness. Two years is very little time to have dedicated to making your marriage a success.

tbh

op

But as the years went on he stopped putting in as much effort to our relationship whereas I continued to put in the effort. For example, in recent years he forgot my birthday or else remembered it but did not get a present etc. etc. He stopped asking me anything about my day or about my life in general. If I told him that I would like to be asked about things eg. if I had a doctors appointment I would like him to ask how I got on, he would get annoyed and say that if I wanted him to know I should just tell him.

How do you know that, after say three years of being with this new guy, things won't be exactly the same once the novelty and the thrill has gone?

Look people say that you have to work at a relationship, right? well, this is what they mean. Sit down and tell your husband that you feel this way, and give him a chance to change. If he doesn't, you can't say you didn't try.

LegacyUser

tbh and Zen65 - thanks for your comments which I suppose are similar.
I can assure you that there is no "thrill or novelty" involved in the relationship. It has been extremely difficult for both of us and I know that it is hard for someone who hasn't been in this situation to understand that. It is not a question of "the grass is greener". We are just much more compatible in every way. We look after eachother so much as opposed to one person looking after the other. Someone made a comment about 2 years not being long to give it a try but we have been together 9 years in total so I think that is the more relevant figure. I don't want to be in this situation - I wish it was my husband who was right for me but he isn't and I think it is impossible for him to be - I feel like I want him to be a totally different person.

Oryx

Think about and answer this question honestly: (though you dont have to reply to it here)

If your new man was suddenly gone from your life, would you still leave your husband?

LegacyUser

Oryx - is your point that if I answered yes to that question then I should stay with my husband?

Oryx

Anon2010 wrote: »

Oryx - is your point that if I answered yes to that question then I should stay with my husband?

No, its to understand your own motives for wanting to leave. It is often a very, very, bad idea to leave one relationship solely in order to jump into another one. You need to be very sure that the faults with your marriage are real and not just because you have another, better guy waiting to take over. Its so you dont find yourself making the same mistakes again, further down the line, in spite of what you feel for the new guy now.

If you didnt have the other man, would you stay within the security of your marriage is what I am asking?

tbh

Probably that you should leave your husband. Listen I think you know what you want to do. It doesn't make you a horrible person, or even a bad person. If you want to leave your husband, then own that decision an take whatever pitfalls and benefits that cone along with it. It won't be smooth and it won't be painless. The only person who knows if it'll be worth it is you. No-one here can say "you'll all live happily ever after". It might not work. It might destroy your husband. You might regret this for the rest of your life. All you can do is make the call based on how you feel right now, and see what happens

greengiant09

i think you should leave your husband....whether it works out with this other guy is another thing. like someone said before, you thought before that your husband was right for you.....and now you think some other guy is. wouldn't surprise me if a year or 2 down the line, you realise that he isn't either. don't let your emotions rule your life....use your brain. however, out of decency, you need to leave your husband.

Kimia

I'm going to give you a slightly different perspective OP. I too have had the long long term relationship (we weren't married) but were together for years and years. It was a given that we would get married eventually and be together forever. We too started going out when we were very young. In the end, I suppose I fell out of love with him. I cringed at the thought of being intimate (it was like he was my brother or something) and I was so so unhappy, because of the situation, and also because the thoughts of hurting him were horrific because I still loved him, just not in that way anymore.

I didn't have an affair, but I did do something stupid which I regret to say showed that I didn't want to be in the relationship anymore. No excuses but I was young and foolish and scared and I hurt him probably more by my confusion/inaction than anything else. Everytime I brought up leaving he would cry and beg me to stay so it was a horrific, horrific time.

After this something stupid, we finally broke up for good. It took a year or so of me having absolutely no identity, I didn't know who I was, I was stupid much more, more often and I really floundered for a while. But slowly and surely I got myself together, and then met my now OH and I have now been with him almost twice as long as the original bf. And it has never gone stale, or tired etc. We have our rows, who doesn't, but I'm so happy with him.

My point is, you only have one life. You will not get another chance at this one, so if you really feel that unhappy, get out of the relationship. You sound slightly infatuated with this other man, so I don't know what to say about that only be careful. It may not be as good as you think it will be, so try and be realistic, and take is slow.

Excellent advice above from another poster - you WILL end up hurting someone by ending your marriage, and starting this new relationship. You can't help that. But you also can't help how you feel and we all deserve to go for a shot of happiness. Your husband will get over it, but please, if you're sure, be brave (like i wasn't) and finish it with him, cleanly and respectfully. Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Thank you all for your replies. I totally understand alot of your opinions that I thought my husband was the one so in a few years I may fall out of love with the man I love now. However I know myself and I know this will not happen. I was too young when I met my husband and we were right for eachother at the start but we grew up and changed and I don't think we're right for eachother now. I suppose things just moved on - we were together for years, got engaged, got married, just because it was the thing to do. The man I have fallen in love with understands me so well, he knows what I am thinking and what I am going to say before I say it. The sexual side of things is much better - like you said Kimia I cringe at the thought of initimacy with my husband, it is almost like we're brother and sister. I feel so sad when I think I have to go on like this for the rest of my life but I do not want to hurt him.

Oryx - your question is difficult and I am not certain of the answer. I suppose if I lost the man I love for whatever reason I would stay with my husband because I don't want to hurt him. If I had the courage though I should end it to try and find someone who is right for me and give him the chance to find someone who really loves him for who he is

Zen65

Zen65 wrote: »

I am basing my response on the presumption that your relationship with your husband was good until you found this "better man".

OK - after I posted my earlier response I see you posting that your marriage was unhappy in the years leading up to this. That certainly changes things.

All of which makes Oryx's question more important: would you leave your husband anyway, even if you had not met this other guy? Is your marriage really that dead?

If so, then I can understand why you should leave and move on. A life spent in a relationship without intimacy is going to be unfulfilling, for both of you.

Are you sure this other man is willing to end his marriage too? Have you spoken to him about doing that - seriously? It's a very big step to take, and he may have reservations about hurting his wife. In the end, you might be left with nothing - which is why you need to be sure that you want to end your marriage anyway!


Be at peace,

Z

LegacyUser

Zen - He is in same boat as me. Except that he was never in love with his wife at all, whereas I was at the start. He like me, gave everything and did everything for her but got nothing in return. It is complicated of course and he is trying to sort things out.

I regret getting married so young and wish I had the confidence back then to realize that I could have been with someone better suited to me. I feel sad to think that because of that mistake I am trapped now. I don't feel passion for my husband and before anyone says that it would die in a few years with the man I love, there was never real chemistry with my husband

tbh

Anon2010 wrote: »

. I feel sad to think that because of that mistake I am trapped now.

that's crap tbh. You're not trapped. You could leave your husband today. Your problem is that you don't want to be the bad guy in the eyes of your husband and his family/friends.

LegacyUser

tbh, that isn't true. I feel trapped and that I must stay with him because I don't want to hurt him. If I was just thinking of myself I would leave him today and not care! He would think I am ruining his life if I left him. Although I am sure he would be ok, he is young and he would probably meet someone else better suited to him than me. I care about him and it breaks my heart to see him cry, even though there were plenty of times I was crying and he just left me there.

I do also worry about letting my family and his family down. I am sure they all think everything is fine and that next on the agenda is a baby!

tbh

Anon2010 wrote: »

tbh, that isn't true. I feel trapped and that I must stay with him because I don't want to hurt him.

If you didn't want to hurt him, you wouldn't be having sex with someone else behind his back.

That's like me saying my wife thinks that brad pitt is coming to her birthday party next week, but I'm not going to tell her the truth, because I don't want to hurt her. newsflash: she's going to get hurt. All I can do is try to give her as much of her dignity as possible, and let her know before she finds out along with everyone else.

If I was just thinking of myself I would leave him today and not care! He would think I am ruining his life if I left him. Although I am sure he would be ok, he is young and he would probably meet someone else better suited to him than me. I care about him and it breaks my heart to see him cry, even though there were plenty of times I was crying and he just left me there.

You do care about him, I believe that, but you're doing what's best for you, not for him. If you were me and I were you, you'd be advising me what I'm advising you to do - leave your husband - because it's for the best, for you and for him. The only reason you can't see that is because you're in the situation, and you're afraid. It's totally understandable, but we have to deal with reality, not fantasy.

You're posting here saying "why can't things be simple? Why can't I just have what I want with no complications?"

well - tough love - you can't. It's that simple. You don't get to have what you want without hurting someone. Sorry. And even better - it's too far advanced now to go back to the way it was.
If you don't leave your husband, but don't talk to him about this, you'll aways yearn for what could have been, and you'll resent your husband, and you'll hurt him.
If you leave him, you'll hurt him.
If you tell him the truth and stay with him, you'll hurt him.

I do also worry about letting my family and his family down. I am sure they all think everything is fine and that next on the agenda is a baby!

your family will forgive you. His family will forget you.

LegacyUser

First one main problem this country has is the constant worry and concern of "what are people/ family going to say/ think?"

This is worst than any other places I have lived. Who cares what your family or friends or neighbors would think!! It is yours and your husband concerns for now...then of course the other guys side.

I have seen too many posts in this forum for concerns on age difference/ race/ nationality...etc.. 2 people love each other or not anymore shouldnt be anyone's business or right to judge.

Ok back to you, the main thing is that you married your teenage years sweetheart, and you are young and by experience I can tell you that if you feel this way already, it is not going to get better at all.

I went though something similar years ago and I could see slowly my feelings for him changing and me hating myself for not "staying in love" ..nothing you can do but life happens, and when you are young you obviously going to growth to get to know yourself more and others and sometimes when you get into a relationship too young you simply grow appart. simple as.

You must talk to your husband, no point it letting this drag on, Im not even mentioning the other guy because its irrelavant just now.

Explain how you feel about the marriage and him, gently of course, then go to see a councelor for married couple and see what is left between you two and talk think through.

After that only you will be able to see clearly, and his thoughts as well, for all you know maybe deep down he's not feeling it either anymore.

Best of luck, and don't waist anymore of your or his time and do something about it, it will be really hard I'm not going to lie but in the end it will be better for both of you.

Fairy

tbh

i just want to say op, I've a lot of sympathy for you, and to repeat, you're not a bad person or anything. but, you're in a situation here, and it needs to be resolved, and the only way it will get resolved is when you take control of it.
there is no magic wand solution here. You need to be an adult, and make a difficult decision.
You should either decide to leave or decide to stay, but whatever you decide, own it and give 100% to it.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.
I know I have made a total mess of everything. I really am devastated over what has happened and to be honest I'm in a terrible state. I didn't want to fall out of love with my husband, I really did give the relationship everything. I don't want to hurt him but I feel that if I end things with the man I love I will regret it for the rest of my life. I will always be looking at my husband wishing he was the other man.

Anyway, thanks for the advice. I don't know what I'm going to do but I agree that I need to do something and sort this mess out somehow.

Thanks again

StarryMoon0

If things hadn't changed with your husband, ie lack of romance, forgeting your brithday ect do you think you'd be in this position?

If you did some counselling and this stuff came out and got worked on, and got better, do you think you might look at things differently. I think most people starts affairs because they are unhappy. Its a shame that this happens, rather than actually looking to fixing the original relationship.
I'm not critisizing, I'm just wondering if the both of you had had open communication and not let the "spark" die, would you have gone looking for the spark.

I was close to doing the same thing as you, but i realised i loved my husband deeply, i was just lonely and feeling unloved. I seen that i had to work on what i had, instead of looking for better elsewhere, because there was a good chance that the "better" would turn out not much differently.

Only you know the answers, it may be beyond salvaging, but to find out, you have to be incredibly honest with yourself.

tbh

Anon2010 wrote: »

I know I have made a total mess of everything.

there isn't a single person reading who hasn't done that at least once.

fungun

Id always be careful about quick judgments in these type of cases (not sure if any kids are involved in either of your relns?)

Oryx's question is key. You have fallen in love with someone else. Its very easy to then analyse your reln and see all the bad things over the past few years and forget the good things because you want to (subconsciously I mean, no blame attached)

You only married him 2 years ago, so despite you saying you have been unhappy for a long time....well, were you really? Or does it seem that way now when you are comparing him to this new love? Before you met this guy, had you thought "Im unhappy in my marriage" or not?

If you had then Id consider leaving your husband but Id be wary about going straight into a new reln.
If you had not thought this, then Id try to get some time for yourself, perhaps away from both but at least away from the new guy, to really understand how you feel about your marriage and your husband. But to do this properly you need to get past the 'high' of your affair.

LegacyUser

Fungun - I often felt unappreciated and taken for granted before I met someone else. I felt tired of doing everything and planning everything and felt tired of being told I was "Nagging" if I asked him to do something. I felt tired of being told to stop making noise by clearing up after dinner because he wouldn't do it (said he'd do it "later") and wanted to watch television. I knew there was something not right about our sex life in that I never wanted to iniatiate it and his attitude that if he did something nice for me the least I could do was to have sex with him. Having said all this I never considered leaving him because I didn't know how it should be I suppose. In terms of getting over "the high" of the affair that definitely doesn't apply. Things have been very very difficult for both of us and we still love eachother and know we would make eachother happy so it is not a case that I am fooling myself. To be honest if we can get through the stress of all this we will get through anything!

StarryMoon0

Anon2010 wrote: »

Fungun - I often felt unappreciated and taken for granted before I met someone else. I felt tired of doing everything and planning everything and felt tired of being told I was "Nagging" if I asked him to do something. I felt tired of being told to stop making noise by clearing up after dinner because he wouldn't do it (said he'd do it "later") and wanted to watch television. I knew there was something not right about our sex life in that I never wanted to iniatiate it and his attitude that if he did something nice for me the least I could do was to have sex with him. Having said all this I never considered leaving him because I didn't know how it should be I suppose. In terms of getting over "the high" of the affair that definitely doesn't apply. Things have been very very difficult for both of us and we still love eachother and know we would make eachother happy so it is not a case that I am fooling myself. To be honest if we can get through the stress of all this we will get through anything!

Did your husband do this always? As in from day one, or did it slowly build up?
If your husband treated you like your lover does, would you love him?

Its a vicsiou cycle, he does something you don't like, you cut yourself off emotionally, he does something else, you retreat further, and now that you've retreated, he knows this..our OH's are not completely stupid. We know when someone cuts the emotional bond. Have things spiraled due to lack of communication, of not talking about the issues?
And then your saviour comes along..treats you just how you want to be treated, says all the nice pretty things..and you can easily transfer your love. You want to fele loved, needed, appreciated, and in fairness, your OH should be doing this for you, as you should be for him.

Been there... difference is, I have come out the other side of it and taken some responsibility for my actions. Why did I not stand up for myself, why did I not tell him how I was feeling..

Everyone has thier choices to make, I hope you make yours with a clear head. Leaving someone for someone else can be dangerous territory. If your not willing to put the work into your existing relationship over the years, why would you expect the outcome of this relationship to be anything different? Floating along on love is the honeymoon period, after that it settles into a more stable deeper connection. What happens when he's mad busy at work and is wrecked and forgets your birthday?

If you need to leave, then do so by all means, but you owe it your OH to be upfront why. If you don't believe in the love of your new man strong enough, and must hide it away, then you have to question why. And there is all chances you have withdrawen form you marriage emotionally for a good while now, you owe your OH an explanation why. We all do what we have to do, but if you can't show respect to a person who was part of your life in such an intimate way then you are starting a new life with a dirty slate.

LegacyUser

Fungun - No it wasn't always like this - I suppose it slowly built up, a long time ago. Things haven't spiralled due to lack of communication. I have always been very good at talking about things and telling my husband how I am feeling. The problem is he doesn't understand. For years I have been telling him that if he looked after me more and took care of me and really thought of me then I would be more inclined to initiate sex etc. But he doesn't understand and just thinks I'm making excuses. If I have to constantly ask him to treat me the way I want it just feels like even if he does do what I ask for a few days it is only because I asked him and that takes the good out of it. Whereas the person I have met actually understands me and it comes naturally to him to be caring and thoughtful and look out for me. Looking back, this never came naturally to my husband. He has always been selfish. Now I feel it is too late. I think I got sick of telling him and telling him and now I think in my heart that I don't really care anymore

Chicago Chick

To be honest the only person who can really know what is best for you, is you. I do however think that what most of the other posters have said about the dangers of jumping straight from one relationship to the next should be listened to carefully.

I know a couple of people mentioned marraige counselling but maybe it would be best for you to go and talk to somebody by yourself and try to work out what you are looking for in this new relationship if you were to leave your husband and how you may feel if it doesn't work out for you?

I think that no matter what you decide somebody is going to get hurt so the main thing is to make sure you will really be happy at the end of this and to cause as little pain as possible to all involved in both relationships.

sbsquarepants

Anon2010 wrote: »

Fungun - No it wasn't always like this - I suppose it slowly built up, a long time ago. Things haven't spiralled due to lack of communication. I have always been very good at talking about things and telling my husband how I am feeling. The problem is he doesn't understand. For years I have been telling him that if he looked after me more and took care of me and really thought of me then I would be more inclined to initiate sex etc. But he doesn't understand and just thinks I'm making excuses. If I have to constantly ask him to treat me the way I want it just feels like even if he does do what I ask for a few days it is only because I asked him and that takes the good out of it. Whereas the person I have met actually understands me and it comes naturally to him to be caring and thoughtful and look out for me. Looking back, this never came naturally to my husband. He has always been selfish. Now I feel it is too late. I think I got sick of telling him and telling him and now I think in my heart that I don't really care anymore

Sorry to state the obvious, but it sounds to me like you should never have married this guy in the first place! I would be weary though if i was you, it's very easy to be attentive to someone when they're new in your life, doesn't mean it will always be that way. And to again state the obvious, if you and this new guy do get together, you both need to realise that you are now in a relationship with someone who has already PROVEN that they are both willing to have and capable of maintaining, an affair behind their spouses back, basically an accomplished liar!
I don't mean to be harsh but those are the facts. If your marriage is dead, then by all means get out of it and try make yourself happy, everyone deserves happiness, but I personally would have my doubts as to whether you're on the road to that end.

LegacyUser

What do you do? what you do is, if you do not love your husband, then leave him to find someone who does. You move on, build a life for yourself - on your own initially anyway, figure out who you are (seeing as you have been in a relationship for all your adult life) and then see if this man is for you or not.

Why move out of one house into another? Its a recipe for disaster. if you are meant for each other then a year of 'dating' wont damage that. But you need to be alone, be independent and get your head and heart straight after the break up of your marriage before you jump head first into anther relationship.

LegacyUser

sbsquarepants - I thought the same as you before this happened me - that people who had affairs were "accomplished liars" but in my case this affair happened for both of us for a reason. We were both doing all the giving in our relationships and subconsciously needed to be loved and looked after. I have never lied to anyone in my life about so much as a chocolate bar before all this. This would not happen either of us again if we got together because we would be so happy together and loved by eachother we wouldn't need anything else. I have said already that we are by no means in a honeymoon period or anything like that - we are going through hell but are still certain we are right together

fungun

I guess what Id just caution against is this scenario - had a friend who felt much like you did, reasonably unhappy but not enough to break up marriage. Had an affair for about 6 months, was at the point of leaving. Had a big think and hesitated. Took a bit of space & time. Decided to try one last time with a real open mind and try to rediscover what he had had at the start with his wife.
Now they are about the happiest couple i know.

Did you ever have anything with your husband? If so, it might be worth seeing why its gone and is it worth trying to recover.

LegacyUser

Yes we did have something at the very start. But I think so much has happened this then I wonder if it is too late. I feel that I am wanting him to be another person, to be someone he can never be. Even if he by some magic did everything I want it would be because I asked him to and not because he wanted to and because it came naturally to him. I don't think he can ever truely undertstand me just as I don't understand him

LegacyUser

OP I think you owe him the chance to at least try change. Sometimes people do not actually realise how bad they are hurting the other person or driving them away. You may actually be surprised to learn that you were not always the perfect partner either. I have to be honest, your comment 'Things have been very very difficult for both of us and we still love eachother and know we would make eachother happy so it is not a case that I am fooling myself' screams of someone who is in a stage of infatuation. Most affairs are difficult!

Take responsibility for your actions and the decisions you have made. You are an adult, start acting like one, be completely honest and open with your husband. He's not stupid and he deserves the truth. You are not saving him by not telling him, you are only saving yourself more guilt.

LegacyUser

Thanks Bob.
I can assure you I am not in a stage of infatuation - I can understand why you would think this though and I probably would have thought the same before all this. I genuinely know this man and I know he's not perfect but he is so much more right for me than my husband.

About telling my husband - in a way I would love to do this but I really think that would be selfish - I would be telling him to ease my guilt and deal with it but it would hurt him hugely and I don't want to hurt him in that way.

Darlughda

I went through the same as you 12 years ago. Without the benefit of some very, very good advice here on boards.

Even if I could go back in time, there is no way I could keep myself away from the intoxication I felt for that other man.

I lost the best friend of my life. I still dream of him to this day. As for the other fella, waste of space, never crosses my mind unless I deliberately try to remember him.

If I could go back, I would wish for the strength to end the relationship with the man who was my best friend, and the courage to walk away from the intoxicating attraction of the other man, and just start afresh, anew, elsewhere.

Exchanging one relationship for another really comes with a heavy, unpleasant price. If the new relationship is right, it will be able to withstand distance and time apart. Moving from one relationship to another is never a good idea.

Moomoo1

Anon2010 wrote: »

]The other big thing is his attitude to sex. I'll describe this best with this story - one valentines day he made me a nice dinner and afterwards tried to initiate sex, for whatever reason I didn't want to and he got very annoyed and basically said that after he made dinner the least I could do was have sex with him!!! That is just one example - we had different attitudes to sex which has been a cause of many arguments. There is no chemistry (from my side) between us. I never feel like having sex with him and so never initiate it and I always kind of thought there was something wrong with me. Now I realise that I just wasn't with the right person and that is the reason. I feel so sad to think I will not be with someone I feel passion for

surely it's _your_ attitude to sex that's the problem and not his?

LegacyUser

Darlughda - thanks for your reply and sorry to hear how things worked out for you. My situation is different though as the man I fell in love with it definitely not a waste of space! And I am not "Intoxicated" by him.

Moo Moo - Well I don't think that getting angry with someone because they don't want to have sex with you on one occasion is a good attitude! I don't think either that someone should feel obliged to have sex with their partner because they cooked them a nice dinner!!!! The example I gave was very early in the relationship and it was rare at that stage that I wasn't in the mood for sex

Moomoo1

Anon2010 wrote: »

For years I have been telling him that if he looked after me more and took care of me and really thought of me then I would be more inclined to initiate sex etc. But he doesn't understand and just thinks I'm making excuses. If I have to constantly ask him to treat me the way I want it just feels like even if he does do what I ask for a few days it is only because I asked him and that takes the good out of it.

In practice I don't think that's true. Taking care for someone and doing things for someone won't really mend broken chemistry issues.

There are plenty of men that absolute barstewards and wasters who won't lift a finger to do anything for the woman, yet their partners are absolutely besotted with them.

Moomoo1

Anon2010 wrote: »

Moo Moo - Well I don't think that getting angry with someone because they don't want to have sex with you on one occasion is a good attitude! I don't think either that someone should feel obliged to have sex with their partner because they cooked them a nice dinner!!!! The example I gave was very early in the relationship and it was rare at that stage that I wasn't in the mood for sex

oh ok. The way you said it, it seemed that you haven't wanted to have sex with him for some length of time, and then when he made you a nice dinner (and you still didn't want to do it) he got annoyed.

frankly, in his shoes, I'd be looking for a way out myself (this is just a statement and not a criticism).

sbsquarepants

Firstly, I hope things work out well for you!
Secondly, having an affair does involve a lot of lying and deceit. If you really are sure you want to be with this other guy, and you have faith that he feels the same, then stop all the sneaking around and stand up and be counted. Have the courage of your convictions and deal with the consequences. What you're dong right now isn't fair on anybody, yourself included!!
It's sad that your marriage turned out this way, but it's a fact of life, people change and grow apart for a million reasons. There is no reason whatsoever why you should be trapped in an unhappy marriage or relationship, but I think you do kind of owe the person you entered into the marriage with a duty of care and a responsibility not to lie and cheat. You know full well you're not protecting him by doing this, you're shielding yourself and the other guy from the fallout. And while that is perfectly understandable, it's just not right, picture it with the roles reversed, what would you rather your husband done, have an affair or tell you how he felt? What would hurt you less in the long run?
Don't beat yourself up that you either do or don't love somebody, either this guy or your husband, that's more or less out of your control. All you can control is what you do about it. You can't make yourself love someone anymore than you can make yourself not love them. Look out for yourself first. Loving or not loving someone doesn't make you a bad person. Wanting to be happy doesn't make you a bad person. Having a marriage go sour doesn't make you a bad person. Systematicaly lying to someone you swore care for, well that's a different story.
You sound like decent person, you really do. My advice would be to do the decent thing. Best of luck