What is wrong with me?

LegacyUser

Do you ever feel like you need to know everything? That you need to know where she is; what she is doing right now; who she is with; what she is thinking?

I can't help but feel this way. I need to know everything. I need to be in control of everything. I'm used to being in charge but when it comes to matters of the heart, I rightly don't have full control. I'm not trying to say I want full control. That's a ridiculous notion. I can't help myself feeling like I need it though. If that makes any sense?

It's as if I have so many insecurities that I have to be in total command of everything. I know it's good that I can realise and admit this, but I haven't the slightest notion on how to fix it.

I was recently involved with this girl. A beautiful girl but a very complicated girl. She was special. Unique. Easily the most unbelievably amazing person I have ever met in my life. It ended for reasons I won't get into but we did end on good terms. As much as it pains me to say, it's extremely, extremely unlikely that we will ever get back together again but I want to keep her in my life. I can't cut her out.

However, while we were together, I couldn't help myself looking at her phone when she wasn't there. I couldn't stop myself either. I'd be looking through her messages thinking "who's this guy?" or "is this someone else she's seeing?" etc.. Sometimes I would have the willpower to stop myself. I knew it was wrong, bad, but I couldn't help myself all the time. I couldn't trust her. Other times though I would trust her with my life.

There were times when I could never accept the fact that she was with me. That she chose me out of the hundreds of other guys that asked her out every other day. That she felt a connection to me. In my eyes, she was far too beautiful for me. And it made me question alot of things about myself. I'm not exactly an ugly duckling either, she's just an unbelievably attractive woman.

What she looks like doesn't bother me at all. It's her person I'm attracted to. Her attitude, her way of thinking, her personality.

But I often found myself, sitting in front of her questioning myself. "Should I touch her?" or "Should I kiss her?". I felt that I needed to know what she was thinking. That I needed her approval before attempting. This is with someone who, even after a couple of months of going everywhere hand in hand - literally hanging out of each other - having a great time together, I was STILL querying whether I should do this to her or not. Whether I should kiss her or not.

As to be expected, she must have been exasperated by this behaviour, she often just went to bed leaving me with nothing for the night.

I hesitated so much that I blew so many chances with her. Chances that I will in all likelihood never have again. And it's breaking my heart.

Zen65

headiscrazy wrote: »

Do you ever feel like you need to know everything?

What age are you, OP?

Z

LegacyUser

Zen65 wrote: »

What age are you, OP?

Z

I'm 22. I realise I'm still "young and learning" but why did it have to be with her that I realised how far my insecurities and indecisiveness reached. I feel I'm going to carry this with me for the rest of my life. I feel like I can never forgive myself for this. I don't want to cut her out of my life but sometimes I feel like that's the only way to move on as much as it pains me to say it.

Zen65

headiscrazy wrote: »

I don't want to cut her out of my life but sometimes I feel like that's the only way to move on as much as it pains me to say it.

It's probably the best way to move on. Many of us make a mess of our early relationships if we are honest about it, but that's really why we have them.... to learn, just as we learn other skills in life.

But at 22 I'd be concerned that you have not learned to put perspective on your relationships. Obsessing about what your OH is doing when you're not around, what she's thinking even when you're there, ....... these are the thoughts (typically) of a younger, less experienced person. Checking her messages is a serious mistake, especially when you have not had a reason to be distrustful (apart from your own insecurities).

Relax, enjoy experiences for what they are. Not every relationship leads to true love, but most can be enjoyed for a time nonetheless. Enjoy the times, and recognise when those times have ended.

You already know you cannot know everything, nor control everything, so do not vexate yourself by trying nor by dwelling on the matter. Life is an adventure, and if you spend all of your time analysing it in detail then you miss the action. It's like going to a live concert and watching the whole thing through the small LCD screen of a camcorder.

Be at peace,


Z

Spaniola

OP
i agree with everything Zen 65 has mentioned, but i do think you need to use this experience to ask why you need to know everything, why you have a compulsion to check her messages etc. you stated *insecurities* but the extent of them sounds like a teenage antics rather than 20's....maybe this is a steep learning curve? First relationship?

My advice is to use the experience though, look for the reason why you feel the need to control, because if this goes unleashed into the next couple of relationships, i cant imagine them being successful.

LegacyUser

You're right. It is my first meaningful relationship with a girl. I've always been too shy and afraid to ask anyone I liked out. With her, I just thought "screw it" and went for it. It worked out well so I want to keep that attitude in the future. Although right now I don't feel like dating anyone.

When I'm preoccupied, I rarely think about her, but when I'm idle, bored, she's all I think about.

As I've said before, I recognise my mistake and I vowed to myself I'm never letting myself do anything like that again. I'm just afraid that I'll get paranoid and fall back into "old habits" so to speak next time someone comes along.

We still keep in regular contact, but we can't be together. I don't want to cut her out. I know it's the easiest and best way but she is still a very good friend. I can understand why I'm being told to cut her out but I don't want to. I know it's painful but I'd rather experience the pain than forget about her. She still means too much to me to let her go. I mean alot to her as well. I know that now.

I just want to know what you would advise is best in this scenario? Should I not talk to her for a couple of months and try rebuild a friendship from there? Or should I keep in contact and try to let my feelings fade. I don't know. I have an idea that they won't fade. I'll suppress them and when I see her next, they'll all come rushing back in an instant.

As I've said, I don't want to lose a friend. She was a girlfriend first, friend second but she is still a friend.

Thanks for all your advice so far. I really appreciate it.