My girlfriend wants to go to college in england..

RonanH92

Hey

I'm in leaving certificate at the moment and I'm 17. I'm in a serious, long distance relationship with a girl the same age as myself. I know most of you will think I should not be so serious at a young age but I like to think that I'm mature beyond my age and a dedicated person. My past of bullying and loneliness has left me an emotional person. And my most recent problem has left me drowning in tears!!
My girlfriend has had these ideas of us being together forever, to get married and have kids together. But she's starting to suffer the distance between me and her and has been angry at me for the smallest of things.
Tonight she told me she doesn't want kids or get married. She wants to go to college in England for 4 years and travel the world. I thought to myself that maybe if we took things slowly she would eventually want me to be with her forever. She was madly in love with me!!
That was until she told me I wasn't allowed go with her.
I couldn't hold the tears!! She had no response. I asked her did she still love me and she said she does and that she cares for me. She said her education came before me.
Why won't she let me be with her?
Am I a burden to her?
Does she want to break up with me?
She says she would stay with me for the 4 years but thats too long for me to be apart from her!!
The last year has been hard enough with the distance of an hour between us.

Please I need your advice!!

Taltos

OP

I have been there so will keep this short.
Suggest that for now you both separate, call it a break until after your exams.

Suggest to her that you both need time apart right now to concentrate on your exams so you can have a secure future - hopefully together. Just the stress of long distance with exams that will help shape your future is not a great mix.

Once your exams are out of the way and you have your college offers then maybe meet back up - but trust me for the next 9 mts just focus on one thing here... Leaving Cert.

Maybe you'll get back together later, maybe you won't.

RonanH92

Taltos wrote: »

OP

Suggest that for now you both separate, call it a break until after your exams.

I'm a very intellegent student and I'm afraid a break will end us so I'd rather stay with her tbh. It would kill me otherwise

Taltos

I know this sounds stupid - but sometimes in order to keep someone you really do have to let them go. Otherwise you just end up tearing everything apart to such an extent that recovery is not possible.

Mate - I have been there - I too refused to let go. Until I was told in no uncertain terms to get knotted...

Have the talk, let her know it is NOT what you want but since you just want her to be happy you think that this will be for the best for the moment. Sometimes you just have to accept that we cannot control everything, and have to just sometimes accept whatever happens no matter how much it tears us up inside. It does get easier though, well until posts like yours bring it all back (cursed with a memory that means years ago can seem like yesterday, whereas yesterday in some cases might not have happened yet).

Mr. Loverman

You have to let her live her life, so don't try to control what she does.

The reality is you are both very young and it is unlikely a long distance relationship like this will work. (Sorry...)

But what I can tell you is you're 17 and I am so jealous of the journey you are about to start... that age of discovery between about 17 and 27 where you meet lots of different people, fall in love with numerous women, experiment with all sorts of things and in general have a brilliant time. So please don't feel too sad because I promise you you have some great years ahead of you, with or without your girlfriend.

RonanH92

Its just that this girl has done so much for me. I literally have no one but her!! If I lose her I'll go in reverse and end up with the depression from before. I was a mindless drone before her. She means way too much. I'm meeting her again at a LC thing on Thursday

Taltos

Mate - if you don't let her go you will almost guaranteed lose her totally.

However, if you prove to her that you listened to her and heard her concerns and agree to what she is saying there may yet be room to keep a friendship (though I do not always recommend this, as it is harder to get on with your life - maybe take an extended break from contact for 3 mts...).

Allowing one person to define you is not healthy however, you can develop a dependency on that person for validation or feelings of self-worth. Being like that you are less and less likely as time goes on to be really happy in yourself.

Many of us have gone thru similar experiences to what you are facing now. I know it stinks, I know you just cannot get your head around what is happening and I know that it feels like everything is sh1t. You know what - just try to accept those feelings, don't dwell on them but move past. It does get better (actually it can get a hell of a lot better...), but what really shows what type of person you are and what type of person you will be is how you handle this situation right now.

Listen to her, accept that you cannot force her to stay with you - guaranteed in just a few weeks or less it will all blow up and there will be NO coming back. End it now on her terms, and who knows... Stranger things have happened and I do know of at least one couple now married with kids who went through a break-up like this. They each met and dated other people afterwards and after (I think maybe 2 yrs) got back together as they both realised how good they had it. Now married +10yrs with waaay too many kids (am a godfather to one)....

Don't force it mate - sometimes you just have to go with the flow, even when it feels like it is drowning you.

(I lost some really good girlfriends when I was younger by not accepting what was staring me in the face and not learning to accept the choice now facing you)...

Taltos

RonanH92 wrote: »

Its just that this girl has done so much for me. I literally have no one but her!! If I lose her I'll go in reverse and end up with the depression from before. I was a mindless drone before her. She means way too much. I'm meeting her again at a LC thing on Thursday

ps - saying any of this to her - actually to any partner places an unfair burden on them and does amount to emotional blackmail. I know you might think it - but don't ever go that route.
Worst case you will be despised for it - and end up with a rotten reputation to-boot.

budweiser90

I know its sounds hard but the best thing you can do is keep your distance. Lose complete contact with her until you finish your LC. Both of you should focus on your education. Give each other space. When its over meet up with her and talk. When you get out of school and hit college things will change, but in a really good way! You will meet so many new people, travel all over the place. Don't let this breakup get you down. Everyone goes through **** like this! Remember your not the only one

baby and crumble

+1 to what Taltos just said. It may be the case that your gf senses the dependency and wants out, it's a lot of pressure to put on a 17/18 year old girl.

I think in your case it's best to let go. By all means, try and keep in contact, meet up when she's home from college, but (and I can't stress this enough), she has made her decision. You're not going to change it. She wants to do the course she wants to do, and in another country, specifically and expressly without you. It's tough, heck, my partner is just back from a year in the UK doing a masters and it's been hell, and this is our 7th year together! It takes so much work and dedication to make this kind of relationship work, and unless you are willing to spend lots of money and time visiting each other, it's not going to work.

And I don't mean to sound condescending, but you guys are only 17, only heading into LC year. That's incredibly young to be in this serious a relationship, no mater how mature you are or think you are.

ApeXaviour

She's doing that thing where she breaks up with you, without breaking up with you.

My past of bullying and loneliness has left me an emotional person.

Sounds like a fairly regular childhood/puberty, the latter of which you're not even through yet!

You're not a burden, you're not anything bad... she no doubt has strong feelings for you. She just wants to move on and explore in her life, gain some experience before settling down. You should quit focusing on the negatives, self victimising (it's all you mate), and take this as an opportunity.

You're right at that stage, you think you feel a love like no man ever experienced before. We have been there. Thankfully it's not the 1940s or you'd likely be getting married and ruining your life. You won't see it, but coming from experience I think she's doing you an amazing favour. Trust me, as much as you think you do (and I know you do), you don't want to be tied down right now.
You now get to look forward to your 20s, where you will meet many new people and have tons of new experiences. Don't put so much stock in this one lass. You'll find other women who can and will actually make you genuinely happy...

Zen65

RonanH92 wrote: »

I'm in leaving certificate at the moment and I'm 17. I'm in a serious, long distance relationship with a girl the same age as myself. I know most of you will think I should not be so serious at a young age but I like to think that I'm mature beyond my age and a dedicated person.

I've read your post several times, and at the risk of sounding cruel, I see no evidence to support your assertion that you are very mature. You are very intense, and I think you are confusing these two things.

You say in your OP:

I couldn't hold the tears!! She had no response. I asked her did she still love me and she said she does and that she cares for me. She said her education came before me.
Why won't she let me be with her?
Am I a burden to her?
Does she want to break up with me?

It seems to me (and I'm about 30 years older than you, so while I cannot claim any special gift of insight I've seen your lifetime several times over already) that your girlfriend is the mature one; she knows that getting her education now will set her up for a better life. On the other hand, you are clinging to a lifeboat without realising that the sea is calm, the water is warm and shallow, and you are easily capable of swimming to other vessels and shores with only modest effort on your part. You want her to stay with you because you are afraid to move on.

If you are as mature as you say, recognise that at 17 it is unlikely and unhealthy to think that this is the relationship that will see you through the rest of your life. Be glad of the time you had, gain confidence and grow from it, but do not strangle yourself and this girl by clinging too tightly at this time.

I mean no offence, you asked for advice and this is the advice I believe you need to hear.


Be at peace,

Z

Chinafoot

Zen65 wrote: »

I've read your post several times, and at the risk of sounding cruel, I see no evidence to support your assertion that you are very mature. You are very intense, and I think you are confusing these two things.



It seems to me (and I'm about 30 years older than you, so while I cannot claim any special gift of insight I've seen your lifetime several times over already) that your girlfriend is the mature one; she knows that getting her education now will set her up for a better life. On the other hand, you are clinging to a lifeboat without realising that the sea is calm, the water is warm and shallow, and you are easily capable of swimming to other vessels and shores with only modest effort on your part. You want her to stay with you because you are afraid to move on.

If you are as mature as you say, recognise that at 17 it is unlikely and unhealthy to think that this is the relationship that will see you through the rest of your life. Be glad of the time you had, gain confidence and grow from it, but do not strangle yourself and this girl by clinging too tightly at this time.

I mean no offence, you asked for advice and this is the advice I believe you need to hear.

OP this poster has hit the nail on the head. Read and re-read this post until it sinks in.

You sound far, far too dependent on your girlfriend. She has laid her cards on the table now and all you can do is accept how she feels and resepct her decision. You don't have a choice here. You can't rely on someone else to make you happy, it doesn't work like that.

If the bullying your experienced when younger is still affecting you then you should speak to someone about how you're feeling. Does your school have a counsellor? Your GP could refer you or you could even ring the Samaritans.

I wouldn't advise you to try to stay together while she is away. You will not enjoy your own college experience and, without being mean, you already consider an hours travel time as long distance...it takes me that long to get to work. How are you going to cope if she is in another country?

You are in your last year of school and the you're going to head to college where you are going to meet tonnes of new people and make plenty of new friends. The only one who will stop that happening is you.

unattendedbag

OP i think she has broken up with you, or at least she wants to. Why else would she say she doesn't want you to come with her to england. If she was as madly in love with you as you are with her then she'd probably be making some unrealistic plans of moving to england together and living together etc...

She is looking towards the future now and doesnt see you in it for the medium term at least. If someone moves country at 18, spends 4 years in college and maybe another year travelling the world then they will not be the same person they were at 18. People change, grow up and move on. The best advice I can give you is be prepared for things ending soon, either in the coming months or even next setember if she leaves. But end things on good terms and accept what comes. That way you will have a chance of looking her up in the future and you never know what can happen then.

magneticimpulse

If you love her this much, you will let her live her life and do what she really dreams off.

If she really wants to go to college in England and travel the world, why wont you?

You are defintiely putting too much pressure on her. Im 29 and id be scared if a guy asked me to marry him and have kids...if I was 17 and a guy said that, id run away.

There is plenty of time to get married and have kids. Now is the time for your studies and for her studies and for the 2 of you to make a career so you can both get good jobs (if not in Ireland, abroad). But its a once in a life time opportunity to do well and dont blow it for 1 girl. You get one proper chance at LC (repeating not great) but you get lots of chances to have girlfriends.

Let her do her thing...if she enjoys college, and of course (you will be in college etc) then you 2 can go traveling together (maybe)...but stop being so smothering, nobody finds that attractive. Give her some breathing space, some time to think.

If she does end it, pick yourself up, chin high and move on. You survived your life without her before and you can quite easily live your life without her after.


Chin up

RonanH92

i know this thread is really old but i thought i'd let you all know that i dumped that girl after alot of her threathening to dump me!! Thank you all for your support