Insecure

LegacyUser

Hi all,
I need some advice badly. A little background first, i’m a guy in my late 20’s.I had a tough time growing up, was bullied when i was younger. I didn’t have any proper friends. Was a very late starter with girls due to being very shy. This all has led to serious insecurity issues which effect my relationships. All this has led to me suffering from depression and ending up on anti depressants and seeing as councillor in the last few years.
I started going out with a new girlfriend a couple of months ago. Absolutely crazy about her, and the best thing that has happened to me in a long long time. The problem is, just like previous relationships, my insecurity is causing massive problems. It is at the point where she is considering breaking up with me because it is putting a massive strain on the relationship. I worry about everything, i worry that i’m not as good as her previous boyfriends or other guys out there, i worry that i’m not good looking enough, i worry about my penis size, i worry about her drooling over hot guys on the tv or at rugby matches etc.
Well i’m sure you can all see why she is annoyed and fed up of me already!!!
I feel awful tonight and just want to sort everything out. I don’t want to lose her. I know I need to sort myself out. But i need help.
Has anybody been through a similar situation? And can they offer me any advice?

Thanks

LegacyUser

I was like that when I was in my late 20s.

Could never stop worrying about stuff like that. Jealous of exes, what ifs?,

Age helps as does figuring out that you're you and she's going out with you - not some fantasy person off the tv

Have a read of The Feeling Good Handbook which has some great practical advice about the type of thing your thinking about.

And remember, she's just a person too.

From what I remember about being like you back then, I was hanging onto her because I feared I'd never get anyone like her again. It was fear based - "if she goes, I'll never get another one" which is not good for any relationship.

Start by reading that book. Improve your self esteem. Remember that nobody is perfect and that most people have hang ups. That good looking guy on the tv could be a complete knob - he could also be a great guy but who cares. Your gf is going out with you because she likes you.

Sound Bite

OP, I've been in this type of situation except I was on the opposite side. I broke up with that guy as the constant questioning, lack of trust etc was claustrophic and smoothering. Believe me your girlfriend will leave you if you dont get a handle on your behaviour very quickly.

I dont mean to sound insensitive and apologise if I am but you are worrying over trival things. Her Ex is an Ex for a reason. She has chosen to be with you not him or anyone else. Do you not understand that? Nobody is forcing her to be with you, she is because she wants to & because you obviously have a number of good qualities.

With regard to your looks, firstly remember we often see ourselves differently to how others see us. Given your insecurity, you are probably only focusing on the bad points, e.g. for example you may not like your nose & that becomes you focus, whereas others dont notice your nose because they see sparkling eyes or a nice smile. Some of the most attractive men I know dont even realise they are attractive. Also most women are not that supperficial. Its who you are inside that counts.

Also worries about the size of your penis are unnecessary. Again, you are the only one focused on the size of it. Your girlfriend doesnt have any issues with it.

Have you considered the possibility that you may not be ready for a relationship yet? Before you can love someone else, you've got to love yourself. Maybe you still need to work on being happy with you, before you try being happy with someone else. Only you can change and control your behaviour.

Good luck

mackbolan

I worry about everything, i worry that i’m not as good as her previous boyfriends or other guys out there, i worry that i’m not good looking enough, i worry about my penis size, i worry about her drooling over hot guys on the tv or at rugby matches

Good that you said this because now you know what you are doing wrong:

- You worry about everything.
- You compare yourself to other men.
- You think you aren't good looking.
- You worry about the size of your penis.
- You get mad when she is drolling over other men on the telly.

There is no man on earth who is not anxious at one time or other about all of those things.
The other men you are comparing yourself to are just as insecure as you are.

Now consider this:

- She worries about you.
- She choose you over other men.
- She thinks you are good looking enough to be her boyfriend.
- She seems to be quite happy about your penis because I presume you two are having sex?
- She is sitting beside you watching the telly while the rugby is on.

She likes you and you have nothing to worry about.

So simmer down and enjoy the attention.:D