Undiagnosed medical problem affecting me and my relationship

LegacyUser

Hi, I'm sorry if this is incoherent or confusing. I'll explain in further detail if anyone has any questions.

Basically, I have had an undiagnosed medical condition that causes extreme pain during sex and so has prevented me from having any with my boyfriend for the last year. When it all started, I went to the doctor for numerous tests and nothing showed up. I was then sent to a gynaecologist who did nothing but repeat what the doctor did and come up with the same results. Since then I have been going to the doctors regularly, trying to find an answer but to no avail.

The reason I'm coming here is that I need advice on how to manage the emotional pain that comes with not being able to be intimate with my boyfriend and for not having a cure for this problem. We have been going out for almost 3 years now and this problem has been there for almost half of our time together. He is nothing but wonderful, telling me that he doesn't care because he loves me and that he'll wait as long as it takes but I still feel incredibly guilty and upset about the whole situation. Everytime I go bed I think about the situation and get frustrated and upset that it has gone on for so long with no resolution in sight. I end up crying myself to sleep half the time because I just feel so hopeless about finding a cure. And I know it might sound melodramatic because it's not like I've a serious illness or anything but I love my boyfriend like crazy and I think he deserves a relationship free from all this crap.

Sorry if this is a bit all over the place, but that's just the way my head is now really. I just want to know if there's anyway I can make the wait for a diagnosis easier for myself and (primarily) my boyfriend?

fungun

Just because you cannot have sex does not mean you "cannot be intimate with your boyfriend"

Although a part of me would miss sex if my partner had the same issue, I think it could be more than made up for with a mix of other sexual activities. And exploring all those avenues (if you pardon the expression!) could make for a healthier sex life in the long run!

From your post it sounds like your guilt about it is nearly more of a problem than the actual medical problem, id work through that with your bf (with counselling if needed)

LegacyUser

OP, I'm not giving medical advice but I had a similar experience with a past boyfriend, and went to about 4 doctors to get a diagnosis - the last one finally diagnosed vaginamus which is a psychological problem, and not physical at all.

In my case, I practically 'closed up' down below every time we tried to have sex. I was very unhappy in the relationship, and after some counselling I was able to link my unhappiness to this particular issue. I have never had the same problem with any other boyfriends since.

Are you stressed (apart from with this issue) in the relationship in other ways - do you have money worries etc? Explore all parts of your life and you will be amazed what stress/worry can do to a person, and how your body can react in various ways due to stress.

Like I said, I'm not giving a medical diagnosis, but speaking from my own experience.

darad

My first thought was the same as the poster above. Given the fact that there's no physical diagnosis have you considered it may be a psychological issue?

LegacyUser

unregistered wrote: »

OP, I'm not giving medical advice but I had a similar experience with a past boyfriend, and went to about 4 doctors to get a diagnosis - the last one finally diagnosed vaginamus which is a psychological problem, and not physical at all.

In my case, I practically 'closed up' down below every time we tried to have sex. I was very unhappy in the relationship, and after some counselling I was able to link my unhappiness to this particular issue. I have never had the same problem with any other boyfriends since.

Are you stressed (apart from with this issue) in the relationship in other ways - do you have money worries etc? Explore all parts of your life and you will be amazed what stress/worry can do to a person, and how your body can react in various ways due to stress.

Like I said, I'm not giving a medical diagnosis, but speaking from my own experience.

Thanks to all of you for your replies. I should probably have mentioned that as well as pain during sex, I have pain during urination as well so I'm pretty sure it's not psychological (and tests have shown it's not a UTI).

And also, the nature of the problem means that I cannot be touched at all down there without feeling pain so he can't do anything for me. I, however, can and do do things for him but I just feel so bad that we can't actually have proper sex. He's such an amazing boyfriend and I feel like he deserves so much more.

I just don't know how I can stop feeling so miserable about the whole thing because it's always on my mind. Anytime I see a couple having sex on TV or in a movie I just feel like crying because I wish I could do that with my boyfriend. It scares the crap out of me when I think that there's no resolution in sight, that this could go on for longer. Is there any way I can stop this physical problem from affecting me so much psychologically?

Ickle Magoo

I would keep trying different doctors until you get some answers. Ask for a referral to a specialist or try to get an appointment with a clinic or clinician that specialises in women's sexual issues. If you are in pain just doing a pee then there is clearly an issue there and getting palmed off by medical personnel because they can't work out what it is just isn't good enough - ask for an appointment with a urologist as well.

Best of luck

LegacyUser

janedoe123 wrote: »

Thanks to all of you for your replies. I should probably have mentioned that as well as pain during sex, I have pain during urination as well so I'm pretty sure it's not psychological (and tests have shown it's not a UTI).

And also, the nature of the problem means that I cannot be touched at all down there without feeling pain so he can't do anything for me. I, however, can and do do things for him but I just feel so bad that we can't actually have proper sex. He's such an amazing boyfriend and I feel like he deserves so much more.

I just don't know how I can stop feeling so miserable about the whole thing because it's always on my mind. Anytime I see a couple having sex on TV or in a movie I just feel like crying because I wish I could do that with my boyfriend. It scares the crap out of me when I think that there's no resolution in sight, that this could go on for longer. Is there any way I can stop this physical problem from affecting me so much psychologically?

Unreg here again.

I had exactly the same symptoms OP, when I got that vaginimus. I had subconsciously, 'closed up' down below, so even going to the loo was painful for me too.

If all tests have come back clear as per your posts - then it's a psychological problem for definite. Like I said, I wasn't very happy in the relationship, although I was pretending I was - my ex had all the control in our relationship (which was my own fault, looking back), and on some level, I took control of the sexual side of things.

I'm surprised when your tests came back normal that no doctor has suggested it's psychological to you. It was the first thing every doctor said to me (once medical stuff was ruled out).

mood

I would agree with what others have said about seeing different GPs and specialists to find the cause. Also counselling might help you cope or may even be the solution. I would go private if it's an option for you.

LegacyUser

unregistered wrote: »

I'm surprised when your tests came back normal that no doctor has suggested it's psychological to you. It was the first thing every doctor said to me (once medical stuff was ruled out).

When I went to the gynaecologist she - out of nowhere - asked me if I had been sexually abused. I told her that I never had experienced anything even remotely like it and no more was mentioned about it being psychological. It seems like everytime I go into the doctor she just fobs me off with a shrug and a half-arsed suggestion like 'eat less sugar'. Unfortunately, I can't afford to go private as I'm only a college student.

I'm afraid to even ask the doctor or anyone about counselling because I think they'll just say that it's not that serious a problem. I feel like anytime I tell the doctor about the emotional pain it's causing me she doesn't take it seriously. When I tried explaining the situation to my parents they said that seeing as I'm only 20 I shouldn't be having sex anyway. Sometimes I feel like the doctors feel the same and this is why they haven't done much for me. I was referred to a gynaecologist and, after that didn't work (couldn't get a proper examination done because it was too painful) it's just been doctor's visits for tests that always seem to show up nothing. I wish I could stop myself from feeling so hopeless.

Kimia

Jesus how dare they say that to you. Do not listen to them OP, of course this is causing you emotional pain and fair play to you for asking for help in the first place as a lot of the time these things end up being swept under the carpet.

The doctors that you have seen are clearly useless, they haven't solved the problem and they are also making you feel uncomfortable and as if you're annoying them by asking for help with this issue. Find another doctor. And if he/she says the same, find another one. And keep doing this until you find someone good. I had a really bad experience with a doctor once when I was having a smear test and it took an awful lot for me to find another one that I could trust but I have a great one now. PM me if you want their details because I promise you they won't dismiss your concerns.

Don't give up OP, keep pushing and keep asking. You are entitled to have a normal happy sex life with your boyfriend and you will have one, you just need a little medical help and that starts with finding a good doctor. I don't know what to say about your parent's comment about you shouldn't be having sex anyway, that's obviously a different story, but take no notice. This is your life, not theirs. Best of luck. x

LegacyUser

Kimia wrote: »

The doctors that you have seen are clearly useless, they haven't solved the problem and they are also making you feel uncomfortable and as if you're annoying them by asking for help with this issue. Find another doctor. And if he/she says the same, find another one. And keep doing this until you find someone good. I had a really bad experience with a doctor once when I was having a smear test and it took an awful lot for me to find another one that I could trust but I have a great one now. PM me if you want their details because I promise you they won't dismiss your concerns.

I'm just after getting off the phone with my boyfriend after a very emotional conversation about this problem and he said the very same thing. I see now that you're both right. My doctor and the gynaecologist were nothing but flippant about the whole problem and I just accepted this because I thought that maybe they were right about it not being that important. I think the bad experience I had with the gynaecologist put me off hounding other doctors for a solution because I didn't want to go through that embarassment and pain again. But now I see that if it's affecting me so much emotionally, I should be going to a doctor that will actually be willing to try and figure this out and not just throw the same old tests at me. It'll probably be hard to find a decent doctor (I might end up PM-ing you in the future for details, Kimia ) and I might have to go through more inconclusive tests again but if it gets me better again it'll be well worth it.

I think it's better for me to focus on trying to figure out what's wrong rather than just sitting around getting more and more hopeless and upset about it all. Granted, I probably will get upset about it from time to time but if my doctor is actually actively trying to help me rather than me having to hound them the whole time, I should feel a bit better.

Thanks so much guys for giving me advice on what to do. Ye kind of pulled me out of the hopeless state I got into.

Kimia

Good for you girl. You'll be fine, I'm sure you'll find a good doctor that will help. I'm here if you need my doctor's details (I'm based in Dublin). Best of luck!

flying _squirl

<snip>

darad

Good luck with this op, maybe its not a thing to discuss with your parents in future, 20's hardly an age where they should be concerned about you having sex, your health and safety yes, but actually having sex, no.

carolmon

janedoe123 wrote: »

(couldn't get a proper examination done because it was too painful)

I wonder how the doctors can be so sure it's not physical if they haven't managed to carry out a full conclusive examination?

OP this is where I'd start first even if it meant having an examination under anaesthatic....................
phychological problems can be worked on but I'd want to be 100% sure there was no physical problem first and that my health wasn't at risk
The pain sounds very extreme, please make sure you see a specialist asap.